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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not do anything for DH's 50th

176 replies

Iheargoats · 21/06/2023 11:16

It's his 50th next month, AIBU to not sort anything for his birthday?

I've asked him if he wants to go away anywhere. 'No'. Do you want anything? 'No'.

He doesn't have any family apart from his mum and he never bothered keeping in touch with friends the past 20 years so he lost them all, so no one else will do anything for him.

Shall I just get a card and his favourite drinks?

OP posts:
ItsNotWhatItsNot · 21/06/2023 16:12

Throwing your entire life away and depriving yourself of having a kid you desperately want just to keep some shitty bloke around is grim. So depressing. You could choose peace, freedom, enjoying life, have a kid, divorce and get half the marital assets instead of choosing misery.

Beautiful3 · 21/06/2023 16:26

For my husbands 40th, I got an experience for him. Jumping out of a plane! He was a bit upset as he expected a party. But he doesn't see many of them and I don't know where they live now, it's been over ten years since I've seen them. Also our family is quite fractured, on both sides. So it would have caused issues, if some were invited and not others. Not worth it.

Leastsaidsoonestscrewed · 21/06/2023 17:16

shropshire11 · 21/06/2023 11:23

He may be shy, lacking confidence, and wary of asking for attention. But everyone likes a gesture on their birthday, even if it's something mild. It might be caring to do as PP have suggested and book a meal at his favourite restaurant - maybe write him a nice card?

No, 'everyone' doesn't.

GCalltheway · 21/06/2023 17:56

How old are you?

Insist at least on having a child or adopting op, if he wants you to stay with you he should be compromising too. If you are deeply unhappy a child won’t solve it, but if you are happy enough but without purpose would love a baby why not get pregnant as a gift??

Please get some counselling. Your childhood sounds awful and it’s affecting every decision you make.

monsteramunch · 21/06/2023 18:01

GCalltheway · 21/06/2023 17:56

How old are you?

Insist at least on having a child or adopting op, if he wants you to stay with you he should be compromising too. If you are deeply unhappy a child won’t solve it, but if you are happy enough but without purpose would love a baby why not get pregnant as a gift??

Please get some counselling. Your childhood sounds awful and it’s affecting every decision you make.

You're suggesting that bringing a baby into an unhappy, joyless (as OP described it) home and dynamic is a good idea?

You really think that's fair on the baby? Goodness.

Also I'm adopted and I really do wish people would stop thinking that adopted children are back up plans to give people purpose / the next best thing to a biological child.

Adopted children deserve a secure and loving environment, not to be dropped into an unhealthy, unhappy home to give one of the parents 'purpose'.

ScientificallyProcessedCrisps · 21/06/2023 18:01

What do you do during the day if you don’t work so have no work mates, your time with your dh sounds dull as hell and you have no children? You are young, get a job and get out there. Wake up op! Do something with your life!!

SleepingStandingUp · 21/06/2023 18:04

Iheargoats · 21/06/2023 11:38

No. None whatsoever. :(

Show quote history

Divorce papers?

SybilWrites · 21/06/2023 18:07

Oh God OP, it sounds miserable. You do know you're not responsible for his happiness, or his mental health? He won't have a breakdown if you leave and if he does, it's not down to you.

I wonder how old you are? You say you're quite a bit younger. Has the door really shut on you having kids (with someone else, or even alone - not with him!)? He sounds very selfish (and exceptionally dull).

And I also think that if you left him, your confidence would grow exponentially. Try it!

GCalltheway · 21/06/2023 18:08

monsteramunch · 21/06/2023 18:01

You're suggesting that bringing a baby into an unhappy, joyless (as OP described it) home and dynamic is a good idea?

You really think that's fair on the baby? Goodness.

Also I'm adopted and I really do wish people would stop thinking that adopted children are back up plans to give people purpose / the next best thing to a biological child.

Adopted children deserve a secure and loving environment, not to be dropped into an unhealthy, unhappy home to give one of the parents 'purpose'.

Show quote history

You cherry picked my post. I said if she was happy with him maybe having a family is a good option for them. It is certainly fulfilling.

I am sorry it has triggered your feelings around adoption. I said she could consider having her own baby too.

We have 89,000 children in the care system, I was actually thinking of them and how a comfortable, sensible, stable home would benefit them.

Lottapianos · 21/06/2023 18:08

'Insist at least on having a child or adopting op, if he wants you to stay with you he should be compromising too. If you are deeply unhappy a child won’t solve it, but if you are happy enough but without purpose would love a baby why not get pregnant as a gift?'

Dear god. This is some of the worst advice I've seen on here, and thats saying something. You don't agree to have a baby as a 'compromise'. He has made it clear that he doesn't want kids and OP has very smartly honoured that agreement and realised it's a non-starter. And 'get pregnant as a gift'??? Honestly, please have a word with yourself

GCalltheway · 21/06/2023 18:13

Lottapianos · 21/06/2023 18:08

'Insist at least on having a child or adopting op, if he wants you to stay with you he should be compromising too. If you are deeply unhappy a child won’t solve it, but if you are happy enough but without purpose would love a baby why not get pregnant as a gift?'

Dear god. This is some of the worst advice I've seen on here, and thats saying something. You don't agree to have a baby as a 'compromise'. He has made it clear that he doesn't want kids and OP has very smartly honoured that agreement and realised it's a non-starter. And 'get pregnant as a gift'??? Honestly, please have a word with yourself

Op didn’t smartly agree! She said she wants a child. Why should his wish come before hers? If you had rtwt you would know he was warming to the idea. It could be just what they need, a new chapter.

Lottapianos · 21/06/2023 18:16

Yes, she wants a child. He doesn't. So the smart thing is to make sure she didn't have a child with HIM

How do you think a baby that is unwanted by one parent would fix a relationship that OP says has no joy in it whatsoever?

monsteramunch · 21/06/2023 18:17

@GCalltheway

You cherry picked my post. I said if she was happy with him maybe having a family is a good option for them. It is certainly fulfilling.

Do you think OP sounds happy with him? She described him as bringing no joy to her life. You described the active choice to become parents as a 'compromise'. That isn't how children should be brought into a family. Both parents should be actively excited to be parents.

I am sorry it has triggered your feelings around adoption. I said she could consider having her own baby too.

Biological baby, I assume you mean. I am my mum's 'own' child even if she didn't give birth to me. I'm incredibly lucky to be adopted and am so grateful I was. My feelings about adoption aren't negative. I'm not 'triggered'. Adoption is an incredible thing. It's also very tough, very complex and requires every person involved to be absolutely committed to the work it takes to be successful for the child. A half arsed prospective dad doing it as a 'compromise' isn't good enough.

We have 89,000 children in the care system, I was actually thinking of them and how a comfortable, sensible, stable home would benefit them.

Yes I was one. And I can tell you now that bringing a cared for child into an unhappy home where the parents aren't both absolutely, proactively committed to that child thriving is unlikely to work and failed adoptions are both heartbreaking and hugely damaging for children in need of forever homes.

We aren't consolation prizes or compromises.

GCalltheway · 21/06/2023 18:25

monsteramunch · 21/06/2023 18:17

@GCalltheway

You cherry picked my post. I said if she was happy with him maybe having a family is a good option for them. It is certainly fulfilling.

Do you think OP sounds happy with him? She described him as bringing no joy to her life. You described the active choice to become parents as a 'compromise'. That isn't how children should be brought into a family. Both parents should be actively excited to be parents.

I am sorry it has triggered your feelings around adoption. I said she could consider having her own baby too.

Biological baby, I assume you mean. I am my mum's 'own' child even if she didn't give birth to me. I'm incredibly lucky to be adopted and am so grateful I was. My feelings about adoption aren't negative. I'm not 'triggered'. Adoption is an incredible thing. It's also very tough, very complex and requires every person involved to be absolutely committed to the work it takes to be successful for the child. A half arsed prospective dad doing it as a 'compromise' isn't good enough.

We have 89,000 children in the care system, I was actually thinking of them and how a comfortable, sensible, stable home would benefit them.

Yes I was one. And I can tell you now that bringing a cared for child into an unhappy home where the parents aren't both absolutely, proactively committed to that child thriving is unlikely to work and failed adoptions are both heartbreaking and hugely damaging for children in need of forever homes.

We aren't consolation prizes or compromises.

You have strong feelings around this subject clearly. A couple that have been together for a very long time often do stagnate, it can become joyless unless effort is put in. He sounds more joyless than most, but it sounds otherwise like a strong union and he would make possibly a very good father given the chance.

I don’t believe op should have sacrificed her chance to have a baby - however it arrives, it’s too much to ask of anyone.

Maybe a starting point should be an honest and open discussion about children and future goals. Op doesn’t sound like she is going to leave any time soon, so it might be better to invest in the relationship and come to an agreement.

monsteramunch · 21/06/2023 18:34

@GCalltheway

I think lots of people feel strongly about child centred decisions when it comes to family planning, I'm not sure I'm unusual on that front.

I don’t believe op should have sacrificed her chance to have a baby - however it arrives, it’s too much to ask of anyone.

She doesn't have to sacrifice her chance to have a baby. That doesn't mean she should have one with a man she has a joyless relationship, who isn't proactively excited to become a parent. She can end the relationship and prioritise becoming a parent whether by hoping to meet a suitable father or looking into other routes to parenthood.

A child should be at the centre of the decision. Saying she should have one 'however it arrives' even if the way it arrives isn't best for the child, is saying that what a parent wants is more important than a child's wellbeing. I'm not unique in thinking that is wrong.

If a baby's existence is a 'compromise' for either partner, I don't think it's fair to go ahead with conceiving / fostering / adopting / any type of becoming a parent with that partner.

OP has plenty of options open to her that don't involve staying in this relationship and using a baby to try to plaster over the cracks.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 21/06/2023 18:38

Make him a lovely present, like a photo album of all your good times?
And reasons why you're happy for 5 decades of him.

I think a big holiday or a weekend away in a very luxury hotel would be a great idea

GCalltheway · 21/06/2023 18:39

monsteramunch · 21/06/2023 18:34

@GCalltheway

I think lots of people feel strongly about child centred decisions when it comes to family planning, I'm not sure I'm unusual on that front.

I don’t believe op should have sacrificed her chance to have a baby - however it arrives, it’s too much to ask of anyone.

She doesn't have to sacrifice her chance to have a baby. That doesn't mean she should have one with a man she has a joyless relationship, who isn't proactively excited to become a parent. She can end the relationship and prioritise becoming a parent whether by hoping to meet a suitable father or looking into other routes to parenthood.

A child should be at the centre of the decision. Saying she should have one 'however it arrives' even if the way it arrives isn't best for the child, is saying that what a parent wants is more important than a child's wellbeing. I'm not unique in thinking that is wrong.

If a baby's existence is a 'compromise' for either partner, I don't think it's fair to go ahead with conceiving / fostering / adopting / any type of becoming a parent with that partner.

OP has plenty of options open to her that don't involve staying in this relationship and using a baby to try to plaster over the cracks.

I didn’t especially want a baby prior to being married - but we decided to give it a try and it was the best decision we have ever made! Life changing in fact.

Ops dh might be similar - he might well be more open to the idea if she speaks to him.
I can imagine being stuck in a long marriage with no children or friends might be ‘joyless’ so it’s harsh to blame it all on him. We build lives together, op needs to find her voice and communicate what she needs from him, he sounds devoted to her so I have higher hopes for this relationship’s survival.

Hbh17 · 21/06/2023 18:43

I love a restaurant meal, theatre trip, holiday etc. But if somebody were to suggest doing one of these things for my birthday then the answer would be "no". Loads of fuss because I've managed to breathe in and out for another 365 days is excruciating, pointless and annoying. I try to ignore my birthday completely. So, whilst the OP may have other issues with her partner, the birthday thing is irrelevant. People need to just stop imposing their likes & dislikes on others.

ToWhitToWhoo · 21/06/2023 18:44

Two different problems here. The most serious is that the relationship seems at best to have become stale; at worst there is a basic incompatibility. It may be that there is a temporary problem with the husband's physical or mental health, which could be treated. Otherwise, they could try couples counselling, or just decide to cut their losses and divorce. (But I agree with those who advise against bringing children -biological or adoptive- into the relationship with a hope of strengthening it. Children can at least temporarily bring strain to even a good relationship; and it's not fair to the children to deliberately bring them into a dodgy one.)

The simpler problem is the birthday one. I would just give the card and favourite drinks, and not make a thing of the age-milestone. His lack of enthusiasm could indicate that he doesn't want his age rubbed in. Personally, I can't bear to be reminded of age-milestones.

ToWhitToWhoo · 21/06/2023 18:47

Leastsaidsoonestscrewed · 21/06/2023 17:16

No, 'everyone' doesn't.

Show quote history

Agree. The only thing I want for my birthday is to be allowed to forget its existence.

GCalltheway · 21/06/2023 18:52

I think a cruise around Antarctica would be a good choice 😂😂

Lottapianos · 21/06/2023 18:53

'I didn’t especially want a baby prior to being married - but we decided to give it a try and it was the best decision we have ever made! Life changing in fact.'

Well that was one hell of a risk. Lucky that it worked out for you

BansheeofInisherin · 21/06/2023 18:54

The birthday is not the problem. It's not having any connection with his wife that is the problem.

monsteramunch · 21/06/2023 18:57

@GCalltheway

I didn’t especially want a baby prior to being married - but we decided to give it a try and it was the best decision we have ever made! Life changing in fact.

I'm genuinely pleased that was the case for you.

It was a hell of a risk to take and you took it with someone you presumably were very much in love with, not someone you describe as bringing no joy into your life like OP.

You took a huge risk and the person at risk of losing out was the child. The fact it paid off for you doesn't make it any better a suggestion for other people to take the risk. Let alone ones in a less happy, healthy position,

BansheeofInisherin · 21/06/2023 18:59

I would not advise a child with this man. He would suck the joy out of it. Also, he is too old. Men get grumpier as they get older- to be fair I am too!