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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not do anything for DH's 50th

176 replies

Iheargoats · 21/06/2023 11:16

It's his 50th next month, AIBU to not sort anything for his birthday?

I've asked him if he wants to go away anywhere. 'No'. Do you want anything? 'No'.

He doesn't have any family apart from his mum and he never bothered keeping in touch with friends the past 20 years so he lost them all, so no one else will do anything for him.

Shall I just get a card and his favourite drinks?

OP posts:
Redshoeblueshoe · 21/06/2023 13:04

Why aren't people reading the full thread. It's got fuck all to do with presents, and much more to do with the fact he is a miserable bugger who doesn't want any contact with the outside world

Codlingmoths · 21/06/2023 13:06

Book him a cruise for his birthday? He can sit in the cabin and you can enjoy the travel!

Plantymcplantface · 21/06/2023 13:11

@Sparkletastic gives fab advice.

“Cook his favourite meal and make him a cake.

Then sit down with a therapist or a friend and think about what you want for yourself.”

I’d add in, together with the meal and cake. Book a trip event or holiday you would love - for the two of you. He isn’t interested but you will love it. Spend some money on something you will remember despite his unenthusiastic self. Go on a cruise and leave him in the cabin. See the mountains or Rome or Venice or the Northern Lights and go on every excursion treating them as wonderful free solo day trip out and please yourself. You can afford this now and maybe won’t be able to if you decide to split in the future.

phoenixrosehere · 21/06/2023 13:16

Is there a reason you can’t say “Happy Birthday” and leave it at that?

He doesn’t sound interested in his birthday which isn’t uncommon so why “do” something if he doesn’t want to celebrate it.

My DH has his birthday and Father’s Day weeks from each other and I ask him weeks in advance what he would like to do and he decides about a week sometimes days before and it’s usually something simple and we keep to that because that is what he wants.

gingercat02 · 21/06/2023 13:16

Iheargoats · 21/06/2023 11:38

No. None whatsoever. :(

Show quote history

Divorce papers?

justanothermanicmonday1 · 21/06/2023 13:17

Why don't you give him divorce papers for his 50th? I'm sure that would get a reaction out of him 😆

Boltonb · 21/06/2023 13:21

God. It all sounds so miserable. And even worse that you won’t leave or seek happiness because you like the comfort of his money.

What a miserable way to live. Really, you should leave and enjoy your life with a fulfilling partner.
In reality, to answer your question, get him a card.

Trickedbyadoughnut · 21/06/2023 13:22

I am so sad for you :( You deserve so much more. It's out there for you, it really is.

I am autistic and I would just say that I think you have to bite the bullet and leave, despite the begging - I hate change, and I think that's pretty typical with NDs, hate the idea of it, have meltdowns about it, but once the change has happened and I'm left to get on with it, I actually adjust pretty well.

therescoffeeinthatnebula · 21/06/2023 13:24

It sounds like you’ve tried various big gestures before, either because that’s what you would like, or you think society would expect that.

Some people don’t like making a fuss at birthdays. I quite enjoyed my lockdown birthday. No one made me do anything and I spent the whole day asleep.

It also sounds like you’ve been together long enough to know he’s not just saying it - he really don’t care about birthdays.

Maybe his ideal birthday is just a normal
day pottering around with you. You did say he didn’t want to break up, so he must value spending time with you doing simple things. Try that.

You might find yourself accepting him for who he is, rather than getting disappointed that he doesn’t care about your latest gesture. Or… you might realise this life really isn’t for you. In which case, your birthday present can be divorce papers.

Chocolatelover3 · 21/06/2023 13:28

OP I think you need a wake up call and I hope these comments give you that - you have one life. One! You need to go out and enjoy yourself.

If you love him and want to stay together then I’d make time for yourself to do things that you love still. If you’re unhappy together I’d really consider moving on, you might look back and regret all the happiness and experiences you never got to have whilst you could

dottiedodah · 21/06/2023 13:29

It sounds like you are craving security.Did you have a difficult childhood maybe? I think lots of posts telling you to leave ,but maybe not what you want? If he is happy for you to go on holidays and nights out with friends then go! For his birthday I would just say "We are going to NT property " or suchlike . I hope you can find a middle ground or life will be miserable for you

Lottapianos · 21/06/2023 13:29

Oh OP, this sounds so miserable. You're stuck, wishing he was nasty to you so you would have a 'real' reason to leave. He sounds so utterly joyless, and like he brings nothing good to your life apart from money. And as you know by now, that's just not enough

Stuffing your feelings down and painting on a happy face is a short term coping strategy, but it WiLL catch up with you. I very much agree with the suggestion of seeing a therapist - just for you, don't even think of telling him. You need to get to understand yourself better and work out what important to you, and what you might want the rest of your life to look like

SquirrelSoShiny · 21/06/2023 13:31

You might find it worth reading the long-running threads on ASD relationships and seeing if any of it resonates with you.

But no, I wouldn't force him to do anything. I would also get the hell out while you're young and healthy enough to do so, regardless of anything else. You deserve to have a life.

billy1966 · 21/06/2023 13:33

If you at least had a child it would be a source of some joy.

Your life sounds dreadfully empty.

Go back to work and build a life for yourself.

Tiddlypomtiddlypom · 21/06/2023 13:35

Iheargoats · 21/06/2023 12:14

Absolutely he's really not a bad person. I wish he'd cheat or gamble or call me names then I'd have a 'reason' to leave.

I would have loved a family. I came from a dysfunctional family with no love, so it would have been wonderful to have had my own family, it's always been a huge hole in my life.

But I wanted to put DH first and I never wanted to try and persuade him to do something he wasn't 100% wanting.

We've had chats before and he has engaged, but it's always short lived before he's back to usual.

I asked him years and years ago if he could, just once, book a surprise meal, or a cinema trip, anything at all - he still hasn't gotten around to it. But I don't think he can help it.

Show quote history

Wait, so you didn’t have children that you wanted, because you didn’t want to upset him?

winelove · 21/06/2023 13:36

Get him a nice card, a cake and some small presents. Some good socks, some practical gadget. Those types of thing. Make a nice lunch.

Then you need to think about yourself. You are not happy. Make some plans.
Understand where the financials are, start putting some money into your personal account. Build your life outside of the marriage. Know the value of your part of the marriage. Speak to a solicitor.

Go on holiday with friends, spend weekends doing what you want. Build your confidence. Go back to work. You may not be ready to leave yet but make some plans, I think deep down you know this is not what you want.

Wishing you the best of luck.

Escapingafter50years · 21/06/2023 13:37

I'm reading your posts with such sadness OP. Thinking "what about you?" and feeling you'll hit old age and be so sad that you didn't do so so many of the things you could have done. I hope you can reach deep inside and find some of the bravery you need to enable you to live the life you deserve.

Why do you feel responsible for this other adult? What happened in your earlier years to make you feel you need to parent your husband? I say that as someone who has only learned through therapy that I am responsible for me and not for other adults (especially my narc "mother") - and that that goes for them too.

zoomiesdrivememad · 21/06/2023 13:43

Divorce papers.

You'd get half the money so you could still live your life financially comfortable and you'd be happy.

Bluetrews25 · 21/06/2023 13:49

((((Goats))))
Sending you a hug.
I urge you please to think about yourself.
Do you have a job? If not, maybe get one, social interaction is vital for many of us.
Are you able to try for a baby on your own? (Apologies if this is insensitive)
Do you want to spend the next 40 years like this?
The cage may be gilded, but it is still a cage.

Punkkitty · 21/06/2023 13:50

Get him a divorce…

FinallyHere · 21/06/2023 13:51

Every birthday morning then he will ask me 'so what do you want to do'.

Do that. Listen to his reply. Do that.

Lottapianos · 21/06/2023 14:00

'Why do you feel responsible for this other adult? What happened in your earlier years to make you feel you need to parent your husband? I say that as someone who has only learned through therapy that I am responsible for me and not for other adults (especially my narc "mother") - and that that goes for them too.'

Very good questions for OP to answer for herself. That was my experience of therapy too - mind-blowing at the time but so freeing

TheGoddessFrigg · 21/06/2023 14:03

Oh OP this is so sad. It reminds me of the saying: 'Dont set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm'.
I had an ex who made every single occasion or outing a soul sucking misery. Honestly, the Dementors would have kicked him out for being miserable. He always complained about the price of meals out, & would say if I knew how to cook properly we wouldn't need to go out.
After I left him, I've never had a single day where I've missed him- except to think how much worse things would be if he were here...

capricorn12 · 21/06/2023 14:05

Could you stretch to a hitman?

Pegsmum · 21/06/2023 14:11

Book something that you would like to do and give it as his present. It’s up to him whether he joins in or not. Just look after yourself because he’s not going to.

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