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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not do anything for DH's 50th

176 replies

Iheargoats · 21/06/2023 11:16

It's his 50th next month, AIBU to not sort anything for his birthday?

I've asked him if he wants to go away anywhere. 'No'. Do you want anything? 'No'.

He doesn't have any family apart from his mum and he never bothered keeping in touch with friends the past 20 years so he lost them all, so no one else will do anything for him.

Shall I just get a card and his favourite drinks?

OP posts:
Redshoeblueshoe · 21/06/2023 11:49

I second getting a divorce. You must be bored out of your mind

TheMurderousGoose · 21/06/2023 11:51

I agree he sounds dull as hell. Going to a nice restaurant only to order tap water, and for the only chat to be complaints about the prices? Nah, that ain’t it.

Can you see your life without him? I think it might be a happier one.

ItsNotWhatItsNot · 21/06/2023 11:51

Why are you still married to him? You only get one life.

knittingaddict · 21/06/2023 11:52

CalistoNoSolo · 21/06/2023 11:34

He sounds boring and hard work. Does he bring any joy to your life?

I'm wondering this too. Sounds utterly joyless.

Original poster
Iheargoats · 21/06/2023 11:53

BridportSpectacular · 21/06/2023 11:35

What's his good points?

I think I'd be booking a divorce and looking for a more interesting husband.

Show quote history

Lots of good points, he'd never cheat, he works very very hard, due to our investments I don't 'have' to work and we are financially fine for life. He doesn't ever shout, I have total freedom (if I said I was going away for a week alone he'd say 'enjoy' or if I bought myself expensive stuff he'd say 'that's nice', if I'm out with friends until 2am he insists on picking me up to avoid worrying about me in a taxi).
He does love me very much.

Truth is, I told myself he was a very sensible choice of a husband. But we don't click, and with his no hobbies and him happy to fall asleep every evening at 8pm I feel so lonely. We didn't have kids because he didn't want them.

I've tried splitting up before because I think he deserves better than me feeling so utterly empty, but he begged to stay together. It nearly caused him a breakdown.

It's true that money doesn't buy you happiness. Ready to be roasted :(

OP posts:
OhBling · 21/06/2023 11:54

If you don't like him, I think planning his 50th is the least of your worries right now.

For the record, DH isn't great about committing and thinking about plans. But I love him and wanted to make it special so a) we cancelled the big party as he just didn't have it in him to organise and plan and instead b) he went away with a group of uni friends for a joint celebration. c) I bought him a nice gift that I knew he'd love (he does) and d) me and the Dc made a few things that were special - I ordered a special commemorative beer glass on Etsy, DD drew him a special picture/logo that we turned into a little key ring, I had a photo edited and turned into a framed drawing....

Any of these ideas could work for a man who still doesn't want a fuss. Unless said man has opted out of all family life and is no longer part of your life.

jellyminelli · 21/06/2023 11:55

My God woman. Book yourself the trip of a lifetime, a round the world cruise maybe. If you're staying with him for the money then you might as well spend it!

TheMurderousGoose · 21/06/2023 11:56

Assuming you're 50ish yourself you have a lot of life still ahead of you to live. He may love you but he's not bringing much joy to your life.

The fact there aren't any kids would make the decision even easier for me.

knittingaddict · 21/06/2023 11:57

That wouldn't be enough for most people to stay.

Your partner in life should add something good to your existance, be a friend, someone to share something with, someone to laugh with.

I'm going to be honest here op. I couldn't bear your life and no amount of not caring what you do (which is what this seems to be) would make me stay.

ThisHeatIsKillingMeOff · 21/06/2023 11:58

Book yourself a round the world trip of a lifetime, he can have the birthday present of staying at home sleeping on the sofa and you'll have an amazing time.
Treat yourself op.

Original poster
Iheargoats · 21/06/2023 12:00

Butchyrestingface · 21/06/2023 11:40

Is he depressed or has he always been like this?

Show quote history

He's always been this way, I just thought i was lucky that anyone was interested in me at all when I met him.

I'd been with an abusive ex before him, so DH was so much better in comparison. It's only the past few years (I'm quite a bit younger than DH) that I've started to get some self esteem and realise how miserable I am.

Most days I can stuff the feelings down, tell myself I'm actually lucky and should be grateful, and carry on.

OP posts:
MsMarch · 21/06/2023 12:02

How much younger? If you wanted children, do you still have time if you weren't with him?

He doesn't sound like a bad man but he does sound like a man who really just wants a nice, easy, quiet life but who is married to someone who wants more. It's okay to want more. If he loves you this much, can't you sit him down and tell him you need to talk seriously about how unhappy you are? Suggest counselling etc? As otherwise, you're not sure you can carry on?

TheMurderousGoose · 21/06/2023 12:03

(I'm quite a bit younger than DH)

So in your 30s?

Whichclubisittonight · 21/06/2023 12:04

Well this obviously isn‘t really about the birthday, but more about how unhappy you are.

He doesn‘t sound like a bad person, perhaps just not one you‘re compatile with.

Would YOU have had children, if he‘d been up for it?

I think rather than worry about birthdays, you need to have a long chat with him about how unhappy you are and see whether there is a compromise somewhere, where he makes an effort to go out/go on holiday/engage with you more and, if he genuinely loves you and wants to stay with you, you would hope he would want to make the effort.

If not, life it too short to be stuck being unhappy.

Mrsjayy · 21/06/2023 12:04

He sounds like.he loves you being there if you don't want to separate then I don't think grand gestures are going to cut it with him. What does he like doing with his money ? .

Original poster
Iheargoats · 21/06/2023 12:05

jellyminelli · 21/06/2023 11:55

My God woman. Book yourself the trip of a lifetime, a round the world cruise maybe. If you're staying with him for the money then you might as well spend it!

This made me smile for the first time in a while! I definitely could do that if I had the confidence.

I admit the finances are a big factor in staying but it's more the overall security, the known, rather than the unknown. I'm a coward.

OP posts:
ThisHeatIsKillingMeOff · 21/06/2023 12:05

If your in your 30s, leave! It's not to late to find the love of your life.

Mrsjayy · 21/06/2023 12:06

What I meant was if you are going to stay in your marriage you might need to emotionally disengage from him.

Original poster
Iheargoats · 21/06/2023 12:08

Mrsjayy · 21/06/2023 12:04

He sounds like.he loves you being there if you don't want to separate then I don't think grand gestures are going to cut it with him. What does he like doing with his money ? .

Oh nothing, he doesn't spend. Literally, nothing on himself.

He has holes in his clothes.

I bought him new clothes but he prefers his old clothes. Long suspected Autism with him, he can't help it, another reason I feel I can't leave.

I do think often he'd be happier with me, but he can't see that.

OP posts:
Mrsjayy · 21/06/2023 12:09

It sounds hard 😕

Mrsjayy · 21/06/2023 12:11

You need to start living book a holiday as a pp said he either goes or not it's up to him.

FrenchandSaunders · 21/06/2023 12:12

This is sad OP, how old are you? What do your family and friends think about him?

NeedToChangeName · 21/06/2023 12:13

In your shoes, I'd probably cook his favourite meal at home and not make too much of a birthday fuss, as it doesn't sound as though he wants that

But, his 50th birthday isn't really the issue

Noicant · 21/06/2023 12:14

Look if you aren’t going to leave then build yourself a nice life. Go out with friends, take yourself off to a nice restaurant once a week for dinner, invite a friend. Book some trips abroad without him etc.

Original poster
Iheargoats · 21/06/2023 12:14

Whichclubisittonight · 21/06/2023 12:04

Well this obviously isn‘t really about the birthday, but more about how unhappy you are.

He doesn‘t sound like a bad person, perhaps just not one you‘re compatile with.

Would YOU have had children, if he‘d been up for it?

I think rather than worry about birthdays, you need to have a long chat with him about how unhappy you are and see whether there is a compromise somewhere, where he makes an effort to go out/go on holiday/engage with you more and, if he genuinely loves you and wants to stay with you, you would hope he would want to make the effort.

If not, life it too short to be stuck being unhappy.

Absolutely he's really not a bad person. I wish he'd cheat or gamble or call me names then I'd have a 'reason' to leave.

I would have loved a family. I came from a dysfunctional family with no love, so it would have been wonderful to have had my own family, it's always been a huge hole in my life.

But I wanted to put DH first and I never wanted to try and persuade him to do something he wasn't 100% wanting.

We've had chats before and he has engaged, but it's always short lived before he's back to usual.

I asked him years and years ago if he could, just once, book a surprise meal, or a cinema trip, anything at all - he still hasn't gotten around to it. But I don't think he can help it.

OP posts: