To not do anything for DH's 50th

[Iheargoats]

It's his 50th next month, AIBU to not sort anything for his birthday?

I've asked him if he wants to go away anywhere. 'No'. Do you want anything? 'No'.

He doesn't have any family apart from his mum and he never bothered keeping in touch with friends the past 20 years so he lost them all, so no one else will do anything for him.

Shall I just get a card and his favourite drinks?

If I said to DH that I didn't want to do anything or get anything for my birthday, then I would mean it, and would reserve the right to be annoyed if he did/got me something I didn't want.

Obviously OP knows her DH best, but maybe just take him at his word? Not everyone sets a big store by birthdays.

If he doesn't want anything, then I'd do what he wanted. Get a simple present and that's it.

I was the same with my 50th, it was just another day to me, I not at all fussed about my birthday. I'd have been annoyed if anything had been organised, as I don't like that type of thing.

He's said no

You have your answer

I feel really sad for you - it sounds like you are both stuck and unhappy. You say you are quite a bit younger, there is still so much you could do. You could leave now and have children - my aunt adopted my cousin later in life, my uncle and aunt met in their 40s and have 2 kids now, etc.

He doesn't sound happy either - no friends, no family, falling asleep at 8pm every night and not taking any joy from anything. I wonder if his freak-out when you said before you would leave was as much from his fear of the unknown rather than losing you personally. But if you left it might give him the impetus he needs to change his own life for the better which he won't while you are together.

I feel like you might have to be "cruel to be kind" here.

Do they still have Strip-o-grams? Something like that might get him excited as at the moment the impression I'm getting is that he's well on his way to becoming Victor Meldrew.

Same here,it's all a bit 'congratulations,you're still alive.'

You know you are not responsible for his feelings or behaviour if you do decide to separate.

My DH is like this. He is 60 in a month and wants nothing more than to spend the day sat on his rear, playing his guitar while watching the formula one. For duvet he washes egg, chips and beans and then apple steel and custard for afters. He wants to see his kids and his grand kids IF they want to see him but he really does prefer no fuss, no stress and just taking the day guilt free to do his favourite things without doing any chores or jobs. His idea of hell is a meal out or a surprise party and lots of unexpected presents.

He sounds like a miserable git. I hope you can find the strength to put your own happiness above his comfort and leave. Don’t be wasting your one precious life on this existence.

To add he’s not miserable because he doesn’t want anything for his 50th - I have just turned 50 and wasn’t arsed either - but the rest of it.

For duvet he washes egg, chips and beans and then apple steel and custard for afters

This is intriguing 😀

Order in a Nando's.

I left my XH when I was 38 because I couldn't see that our lives together would improve, and didn't want to feel 'meh' for another 40+ years. It was like being in a boring retirement already.

I met DH and we had DS when I was 40. My life is now very different. It's not perfect (our son has special needs) but one thing I can say is that it's not "meh" or "blah". It's never too late to start again :)

And you are with him why?? ….. he sounds really really hard work

does he not go out with friends etc

He sounds set in his ways. He may be happy being like this, they're many people who are. The thing is you are the complete opposite to his personality and the only reason you're staying as you say yourself is the money.

While there's nothing wrong with wanting to do nothing, be laid back, he needs a partner who can understand this, or be similar, or able to make it work, same way you need a partner to bring out your best side, enjoy similar things to you, want the same things.

I really think the birthday is the least thing to worry about, I believe you should sit down and talk to him and arrange to go your separate ways. Your posts are pouring out sadness, he lives with you, he will know how unhappy you are.

It sounds awful: if he loved you as much as you say, he’d put in more effort to do things you’d enjoy even if they’re out of his comfort zone. 50 is not old…he sounds more like he’s 70 or 80. You still have time to rebuild a better life with a bit of joy in it. Get a therapist to help you save your own life!

Completely fine, OP. First of all, why do we consider 50 more important than 49 or 51? I've never understood that. Secondly, many adults just hate any kind of fuss about our own birthdays - it is cringe making, tbh. If anyone organised anything for me - especially any kind of "surprise" - I would shrivel up with embarrassment. Just let him have a quiet day.

OMG my mum has more energy than this and shes nearly 80. I couldn't put up with it. And letting your wife go away on her own doesn't make him a saint.

Cook his favourite meal and make him a cake.

Then sit down with a therapist or a friend and think about what you want for yourself.

Best birthday ever.

My sister's husband was like this. She'd ask him what he wanted for his birthday and he would say nothing.
So one year she wrapped a small empty box up and gave him it on his birthday.
He opened it, looks confused and asked ' what's this? '
She replied ' nothing, just like you asked for '
Try that op.

What ages are you both? I can't believe you gave up having a family to make him happy and your focus.

My DP genuinely hates the whole birthday thing, maybe your DH does too. He does get me a card and some token gift, as he knows I am not as anti as he is, although I am not that bothered either. He hates the whole commercialisation of it. I got him nothing for his birthday but I did buy him a gift last month which was something he needed at the time.

However, he does buy me small thoughtful gifts through the year when he thinks of something I need or want.

My DP has spent years trying to stop people buying him stuff he doesn’t want. Perhaps the best thing for your DP is an honest discussion about how he feels about the whole gift giving thing. It might turn out that the best gift is to have you accept he hates the whole birthday thing and ignore it in future.

If you want children and are still young enough, that’s more than a good enough reason to leave!

Divorce papers. Seriously if you became ill tomorrow would you regret wasting your life on him ? Buy yourself some happiness.