To not do anything for DH's 50th

[Iheargoats]

It's his 50th next month, AIBU to not sort anything for his birthday?

I've asked him if he wants to go away anywhere. 'No'. Do you want anything? 'No'.

He doesn't have any family apart from his mum and he never bothered keeping in touch with friends the past 20 years so he lost them all, so no one else will do anything for him.

Shall I just get a card and his favourite drinks?

We ALL take a risk when we have a child, no one can possibly know how it will affect us, what kind of parents we will make.

I am conscious that I can over analyse, and when it comes to having children I was really really careful not to make a mistake I couldn’t reverse. I think it creates a lack of certainty. That’s okay.

Yes we were in love and ‘ready’ but is anyone really ready?!

Only op could say whether he would be a good father and whether it would be a good thing for them. She could also foster instead?

Are you completely tone death or did you even bother to read op’s post @Unexpectedlysinglemum ? 🙄

@GCalltheway

Only op could say whether he would be a good father and whether it would be a good thing for them. She could also foster instead?

Fostering also requires huge commitment and focus from everyone in the household.

I don't think you have experience of care system leavers / adoption / fostering so I don't think you mean for your posts to come across the way they do.

I think I'll leave it there and I do appreciate you don't mean to sound dismissive or flippant about adoption and fostering.

@ScientificallyProcessedCrisps that reply was based on the first post (before she admitted she didn't like him or his company very much!) I'm advice was based on what he seemed to be in the original post- an antisocial guy that she wants to do something special for but has no ideas.

'I don't think you have experience of care system leavers / adoption / fostering'

Oh that's crystal clear. I'm finding your comments about fostering and adoption very ill-informed and unhelpful. You're doing a huge amount of projecting - you took an enormous gamble by having a child and (lucky for all of you) it all turned out swimmingly so you can't seem to imagine that it wouldnt work out the same for everyone. Well that's naive at best

OP has made it clear she won't be having a child with this man and that's entirely sensible. For all his apparent faults, he is fully entitled to say he doesn't want children and to mean it

@Unexpectedlysinglemum ok fair enough!

A new wife. He sounds tedious.

Scientificallyprocessedcrisps you mean “tone deaf” but that isn’t the right expression here anyway!

What's he into op? If he's autistic there's usually an interest.
I would honestly not do the surprises..... for some people it's really uncomfortable.
Cook him his fav dinner, set the table to show effort, maybe suggest watching a film?
I would write something really lovely and personal in a card, maybe make a photo book of key events in his life and try to do something related to his interests

He has no interests.

I've sometimes found that people who don't have friends and close family don't really like to acknowledge birthdays because it just highlights how few people they have in their lives. One birthday card on the sideboard is a bit depressing.

Just do something nice at home. Get a takeaway or make his favourite meal and pick out a movie to watch together. Present-wise, maybe something edible to go with the movie.

Op,

So there are two of you in this relationship both putting what he wants first.

Not the recipe for a happy life.

Of course you are unhappy, you have made a ridiculous sacrifice for someone you are not in love with and whom you do not share a connection with.

A really flawed decision.

You have one life, are still young, and yet are throwing it away.

You will bitterly regret these very poor decisions.

Get out and give yourself the chance of happiness or at the very very least tell him that you want one child or you or gone.

Stop being such a ridiculous martyr.

It is utterly thankless and eventually you will feel extremely foolish.

How old are you, OP? When did you last work and what did you do?

If you haven't worked for a while, could you enrol for a full time course so that you are mixing with other people? It would help you restart your career.

I think you're at a huge risk of having an affair (given your relationship and the amount of free time you have) - that would be much more hurtful to him and it might force you into moving faster with your affair partner than you should.

It's so sad you have so little joy in your life.

Do you work, volunteer, have any hobbies yourself?
You know the adage, you can't change another person, you can only change yourself.

PP is right - time to sit down and think through how you want to spend the rest of your life. Maybe find a life coach (a gentle one, mind) to plan out some actions and a timescale, and build from there. If you are of a similar age to your DH - can you really see yourself doing the same ol', same ol' for the next 40 years

He doesn't have to be a bad person for you to leave him. You're not happy and you are not compatible. Life is short. This is it. No second chances. Go out there and live your life!!

I find your whole thread incredibly sad. Sad that neither of you have any joy in life. I'm not sure what the answer is other than leave him, which you say isn't an option, but honestly - you're a long time dead, you need to start living your life.

Think I’d be serving 50th birthday divorce papers, miserable bastard. Please try and find some joy somewhere else.

Sounds fun to live with

No absolutely not dismissive at all, and you are right I have don’t have direct experience so probably should just keep quiet on the subject.
I suppose I can only say what children have brought to our marriage and I get (very) bored easily, so for me they have helped me see the beauty of roots and stability. Children bring so much richness to a home, and we are tighter and stronger for it.

In ops place I would leave, yes.
I feel she is way too comfortable and the set up financially and won’t risk it, and who can blame her if she had a cold and unloving childhood. It’s understandable.

None of my business obv but… I really think you should leave him.

It would be sad and hard at first but I think after probably just a few months you’d feel like a new woman.

Enjoy your life. You could still be friends with him, too? You don’t need to feel like you’re abandoning him?

You say you’re younger… still young enough to have children?

We have 89,000 children in the care system, I was actually thinking of them and how a comfortable, sensible, stable home would benefit them

@GCalltheway that’s kind of you to think about all the children in care. How many children have you adopted or fostered and what age were they?

OP, reading this was like reading an alternative future if I hadn’t left my ex. I too had been in an abusive marriage before and thought that the kind, slightly-autistic but otherwise appassionate man I was with afterwards was a blessing in comparison. But there was no spark, he didn’t want kids, took no joy in life, but was miserable when I tried to leave. Eventually I did and married the most wonderful man last week (I’m in my late-30s and we are now trying for a baby). Life is too short. Don’t compromise your own happiness for someone else’s if you want more, however hard that decision may feel now.

Blimey @Iheargoats why are you together? I agree with @MadamWhiteleigh this is a good opportunity for you to look at why you are with someone who brings you no joy whatsoever, and how you want to spend your next few decades. I also feel bad for his Mum.

As someone who has fostered 10 children and adopted I would urge people to remember it isn't just something to do b/c you want kids. They are dc with the most horrendous starts in life who need to be parented quite uniquely in order to help address some of the areas deeply impacted by their trauma.

Not saying op without her husband couldn't explore this. But certainly not with him and certainly the skills and capacity needed aren't for everyone.

What a waste of life.
Seems like you’ve got a great future to look forward to with him.