To have said this to DH about his children?

[INeedToEscapeSometimes]

I have gone through something really difficult recently, I don't want to go into detail mainly because I struggle to talk about it but it has really affected me and my view of life. At home it is me, DH, our shared DC and his older DC who stay with us 50% of the time.

I have felt quite smothered recently, I've not been able to take much time off work due to high demands and I feel burnt out, stressed and upset most of the time.

DH has been helping a lot at home, taking over the chores and things and has been comforting and affectionate.

But one thing I'm struggling with is having a full house so much after a full week at work. My SC are a lot sometimes and can be very full on and messy and I've been struggling to enjoy the time they are here.

As such I've been trying to take myself away a bit when they come. This has included taking my own DC out sometimes for the day just me and them and these days have been so special to me, I have been so comforted by little cuddles and watching them enjoy a day out or just getting home and having a little movie night with them in our bedroom. This is not constantly, sometimes I just take myself upstairs alone or go for a walk by myself and leave all the DC together, but occasionally my DC will ask to come up or I will take them somewhere nice for a little treat.

My DH said last night that he feels like I'm withdrawing too much from SC and I should include them too. He doesn't seem to understand I just need a bit of space right now and some wind down time. They are here most weekends so it just feels a lot.

Anyway, I ended up saying basically that I don't feel comfort from his children in the same way as ours, that they don't bring me the same peace or happiness spending time with them that our DC does and I need that right now.

He is upset by this and is saying things like how he thought I cared about them and loved them. He doesn't understand how that can be true but it's not the same as our DC. It feels more like work in a way our DC doesn't, less natural I guess.

Anyway, he's now saying he wants me to spend some solo time with SC to 'get over this'. But I just want to breathe for a bit. Not forever, just some time.

AIBU.

I’m honestly gobsmacked, these are the same people who would be raring up & telling her to know her place if the step kids were specifically asking for time with dad & she was insisting her & the shared DC to trot along. You really can’t win on here as a step parent, especially if there are shared children too.

No she didn’t, and no, she doesn’t need to suck it up. That is something for her husband to do, however.

She’s supposed to act as their mother, but if she posted that they call her ‘mum’ and she considers herself to their actual mother, people would be telling her to know her place.

YANBU, you should be allowed to enjoy your children without being guilt tripped by DH about DSC, who presumably get lots of cuddles and time with thei mum and dad.

DH may have a fantasy vision of you loving DSC the same way you love your own DC, but this just isn't reality for many people, and that's fine.

Equal to their actual mother*

@Lozois99 The OP has never said her husband demanded 50% custody?? They have the children every weekend which allows the mother to work every weekend.

She has also never said the children are unwanted or appreciated.

She is grieving ffs. It's so unnecessary to be so nasty.

And when is all this time I have to spend with my children? They are here every weekend and every week day is spent working and doing the general mundane stuff of feeding, bathing and bed time. When is all this magical 50% of the time I get to do these things with my children occasionally?

That's part of it though if you choose someone with children and then add your own with them.

None of the children asked for this setup or have any choice in the matter.

If my DH had the attitude you're displaying here, he'd be losing me. He needs to respect that his kids are his own, I won't have the same feelings about them and I will want my space. Maybe consider that she's not the one that needs to change her attitude.

On your point: “My children ask to come and get in my bed and watch a film sometimes, should I say no?” I think the rule you need to apply is what would you do if one of your biological children asked to do this. I’ve got a few kids and if one of them asked to watch a movie with me I’d ask the others if they wanted to join us, unless it was a special evening just for them- but even then I wouldn’t do it with everyone else in the house. As I say if my other kids found me half way through a movie with one of them and I hadn’t given them the option to join us I think they’d be upset. And yes I wouldn’t be upstairs in bed anyway.

It also sounds like you’ve made a mental division in your mind between weekend and weekday time which I think it could help if you get rid of. I work full time but spend loads of time with my DC in the week, we do activities in the evenings where we drive and chat in the car, watch TV together, go out for meals and coffee quite a bit. Could you try to dial down the house chores etc, divide them more with your DH or rearrange your work pattern (start earlier, do one long compressed day and finish earlier) so you feel like you’re seeing more of your kids in the week. Or maybe even downsize your life so you can work a bit less if that’s possible?

Sorry OP - you sound like you dont like your SC - perhaps should have thought about that before marrying DP.. not sure the solution, but you are going to create a them or me situation if you carry this on in a while... I get you love your own more, but you should have really thought about it before getting involved with someone with kids... be careful as you might make the SC feel like outsiders..

Nope, does not work like that. If this is all she's willing to give then he's the one who needs to suck it up or leave.

That is such a lovely message. I’d do this. Or if that’s too hard, take them out to McDonald’s for lunch (away from your husband) and have the chat then. The main thing is that they know it’s not personal… not that this necessarily should come from you.

It sounds as if he needs to pull his finger out more and support you.

@aSofaNearYou and your DH should as it shows you're not blended family material. Fine but don't use a man with kids as a sperm donor for your own kids

I agree with this post. If you enjoy watching a movie just with your DCs and want to do it without the SDCs, why not skip the bath one night per week or get pizza and eat it in front of the tv once a week a special treat? I can understand why you wouldn’t want to do those things for various reasons. But I don’t think you can be watching movies at home just with your DCs when your SDCs are in the house anymore, so something has to give.

Has someone actually suggested that the OP shouldn't watch a film in bed with her kids? What the fuck 😂

Well my DP completely disagrees, so we're fine!

@aSofaNearYou id love to hear the step kids view...

This forum is absurd at times. Even if you hadn’t been just through a traumatic event, you are perfectly entitled to spend 1:1 time with your own children at the weekend sometimes. No one should be telling you that you can’t. Don’t be afraid to stand up for yourself with your husband. He doesn’t get to deny you that 1:1 time with your own children because it suits his other children better. I bet the SC aren’t even that bothered anyway.

I often do things with just one child at a time, you can get to know them so much better than if you’re always in a big group (where the other child might not enjoy the activity anyway because it’s not age appropriate for them). Sometimes we do things all together, sometimes we don’t.

On the flip side a 9 and 10 year old don’t always want to do what a preschooler and reception aged children want to do. Perhaps they like 121 time with their dad. If op had 4 kids of this age range, it would be natural for her and her dh as the parents to do separate age appropriate outings some of the time.

That's different though . I do things with my kids individually, but they all know they are my kids. The step kids know they aren't 'her' kids

I'm sure he puts far more thought into his own mum than he does into me.

Yes, they know she isn’t their mother. It’s quite the assumption that they’re even looking for her to pretend that she is.

This! There's remarkably talk of her DH in all this. As you say, he can step up, explain stepmum is feeling sad atm because her loss so wants a little quiet time for herself to feel sad, so he'll take them out to have dad time. Just with them. Then OP can spend time with her own kids, which she says is a comfort to her. And his kids get a bit of time with just dad (which they'd probably love. Just until op is back on her feet.

Yanbu, they aren't your children. I can't imagine loving or caring about anyone else's kids equally to mine. That's not saying that you are awful to them, it's just that yours are yours. I would absolutely not compromise my time with my own children just to make his feel equal. That's what he needs to do not you. It's doesn't sound like you treat them badly at all.

No the op needs to get help if she is that depressed , no normal person puts herself first before the children involved . That’s just being selfish, if they do they are far from normal