To have said this to DH about his children?

[INeedToEscapeSometimes]

I have gone through something really difficult recently, I don't want to go into detail mainly because I struggle to talk about it but it has really affected me and my view of life. At home it is me, DH, our shared DC and his older DC who stay with us 50% of the time.

I have felt quite smothered recently, I've not been able to take much time off work due to high demands and I feel burnt out, stressed and upset most of the time.

DH has been helping a lot at home, taking over the chores and things and has been comforting and affectionate.

But one thing I'm struggling with is having a full house so much after a full week at work. My SC are a lot sometimes and can be very full on and messy and I've been struggling to enjoy the time they are here.

As such I've been trying to take myself away a bit when they come. This has included taking my own DC out sometimes for the day just me and them and these days have been so special to me, I have been so comforted by little cuddles and watching them enjoy a day out or just getting home and having a little movie night with them in our bedroom. This is not constantly, sometimes I just take myself upstairs alone or go for a walk by myself and leave all the DC together, but occasionally my DC will ask to come up or I will take them somewhere nice for a little treat.

My DH said last night that he feels like I'm withdrawing too much from SC and I should include them too. He doesn't seem to understand I just need a bit of space right now and some wind down time. They are here most weekends so it just feels a lot.

Anyway, I ended up saying basically that I don't feel comfort from his children in the same way as ours, that they don't bring me the same peace or happiness spending time with them that our DC does and I need that right now.

He is upset by this and is saying things like how he thought I cared about them and loved them. He doesn't understand how that can be true but it's not the same as our DC. It feels more like work in a way our DC doesn't, less natural I guess.

Anyway, he's now saying he wants me to spend some solo time with SC to 'get over this'. But I just want to breathe for a bit. Not forever, just some time.

AIBU.

Don’t be so short sighted.

No the op needs to get help if she is that depressed , no normal person puts herself first before the children involved . That’s just being selfish, if they do they are far from normal

😂 "no normal person".

I think you'll find it's perfectly normal to put yourself first a little sometimes. Especially when you've just gone through something really hard and you what you're costing the child isn't that much.

OP is getting a hard time. If she was a step dad she wouldn’t get this much grief.
Step mums either never do enough, or they overstep the mark and do too much.

The children are different ages, it’s not going to be unusual for them to be doing different things. When OP is busy then then could spend time with their dad, alone! There’s nothing wrong with that, isn’t that what most non resident children want!

The narrative on MN is SM should always put their SC first.

Why would it not give more time with your DC? You would presumably have from 3 pm onwards with the one in school, plus all of your day off during holidays and at half terms. You could also maybe get to things like school plays and concerts more easily.

And why isn't it feasible to take time off work? You would have to if you were physically ill. You are telling us that you are mentally fragile, but your remedy for that is basically to hide away at home, with or without your children and always without your SC. Why not insist on taking the time off from work rather than from home life?

Why get together with the father of very young kids only to reject them later when you have your own

No, they're there because it is their home. And also to spend time with their father, his partner and their half siblings.

Beg your pardon Sofa.
I thought marriages are about team work. I must have been wrong for the last 42 (yes 42) years.

If this was a man saying this he would get slaughtered we all know this

If course you can OP.
The sc can spend lots of time with their Father which is how it should be..not being 'thrown' at the step mum.
You need time to get your self in a good place mentally, and if he can't understand this ..... he's bloody useless.

Some off you should be ashamed of yourselves.

newjobnewstartihope she's physically been through a traumatic experience.

What you want is not unreasonable how you phrased it to your DP was poor and it is understandable why he reacted as he did.

One thing I can guarantee is you've damaged your relationship with your DH permanently. This will always be in his head, and he will notice it every single time you withdraw from your stepchildren in a way you do not from your so-called 'own' children. And every single time he brings it up in future, you will become defensive over it and he will go off in a huff and so will you. And then eventually this will go on for a period of time before it's either 'stay together for the kids or split because we're all miserable.'

You speak of your 'own' children as if they are some form of mini-psychiatrists for you in a way that your SC could never be. You need to realise that this is not the responsibility of any child, biological relationship or not. If your behaviour was truly equal towards them all, your 'comfort' would come simply from the enjoyment of their presence.

Your attitude towards your blended family is frankly disgusting. Your SC have been through a lot themselves, and they don't deserve your callous behaviour and I seriously hope they are not too badly affected when, one day, they will notice it.

This was seriously harsh. But your loss does not give you the right to toy with the mental and social wellbeing of (as far as information given thus far) children who are innocent. The feelings you describe in this thread are nothing to do with your loss and were almost definitely there before.

You really need to consider how you want to move forward because you've significantly changed your DH's perspective on the woman he brought into his children's lives as a step 'mother.'

@newjobnewstartihope step dads are not expected to parent children that aren’t theirs in the way step mums are.

Lol at the handwringing over OP ‘damaging her relationship’. Perhaps the husband should be worried about any damage he’s done to their relationship by putting this expectation on her when she’s in the midst of grieving.

And of course losing a man is obviously and famously known on Mumsnet to be a fate worse than death.

🙄 God more people supporting husbands with ridiculous, unrealistic expectations.

If his perception of her has changed it's his own stupid fault for assuming shacking up with him meant she would feel as he does about his kids. Ridiculous assumption, and one I would never make.

YANBU at all but maybe shouldn't have said it so bluntly. Sometimes a lie works better. I think your DH doesn't like being stuck with his own kids and suddenly doing his lion share of the housework. He's not hurt, he's lazy, and making you feel bad so that you parent his kids.

And why is it their home? Because it’s their fathers. They’re going to where he is. If he moved out and lived elsewhere then they too would go elsewhere. Making sure they spent time with their siblings would also be his responsibility.

@Chiaia

Marriages are not about guilting your partner for having natural feelings and expecting a huge amount from them with no empathy and no give and take. This is the equivalent of expecting her to love his parents as much as he does, expecting her to want to be around them as often and as much as he does. It's not realistic, it's not healthy.

Being a stepmother 50:50 of the time, you are already giving a HUGE amount. He should be grateful for that. Having no respect for there being limits to how much you will actually enjoy it is not a positive thing at all.

I’m not sure how you came to that conclusion from what I wrote?

We were there EOW, so she had 12 other days of the fortnight for time with her child. Taking her child out would not be an issue if it hadn’t been done with obvious malice and the intention to separate. Children typically want to belong - whether that’s in a blended family or not - and benefit from inclusion whether in a family or wider community.

I didn’t go to spend time with her exclusively but she & her child were part of my ‘family’.

You have to ask yourself this - would you like it if your husband did things with his own kids and didn't include yours? You got with a man who already had children, so it would be unfair to not include them in some of the things you do.

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I think this is honestly miscommunication OP. You are clearly stretched way too thin, you're at burnout, you have all the classic signs, teary, tired, needing to draw back, it's no wonder the cuddles and calm time with your littler ones is what you need. Some more calmer time. I totally get that.

Sounds to me that you love the SC but you just are totally sensory overwhelmed all the time. I think that's the way you can explain it to your DH, you just need to step back for a bit from whatever you can. Burnout can really be destructive OP so I totally get it.

Why the father separate with the children's mum and get together with OP who he knows has no unconditional love towards his children, and then resent the OP when she has her children for whom she has unconditional love?

I completely understand how you feel (although not in that situation myself), although I do think it's the kind of thing you can never actually admit to your DH, DC or SC.

I think I would just keep 'special' DC only trips to your time that DSC aren't there...

Her children are also his children, so it's not the same thing at all.