To have said this to DH about his children?

[INeedToEscapeSometimes]

I have gone through something really difficult recently, I don't want to go into detail mainly because I struggle to talk about it but it has really affected me and my view of life. At home it is me, DH, our shared DC and his older DC who stay with us 50% of the time.

I have felt quite smothered recently, I've not been able to take much time off work due to high demands and I feel burnt out, stressed and upset most of the time.

DH has been helping a lot at home, taking over the chores and things and has been comforting and affectionate.

But one thing I'm struggling with is having a full house so much after a full week at work. My SC are a lot sometimes and can be very full on and messy and I've been struggling to enjoy the time they are here.

As such I've been trying to take myself away a bit when they come. This has included taking my own DC out sometimes for the day just me and them and these days have been so special to me, I have been so comforted by little cuddles and watching them enjoy a day out or just getting home and having a little movie night with them in our bedroom. This is not constantly, sometimes I just take myself upstairs alone or go for a walk by myself and leave all the DC together, but occasionally my DC will ask to come up or I will take them somewhere nice for a little treat.

My DH said last night that he feels like I'm withdrawing too much from SC and I should include them too. He doesn't seem to understand I just need a bit of space right now and some wind down time. They are here most weekends so it just feels a lot.

Anyway, I ended up saying basically that I don't feel comfort from his children in the same way as ours, that they don't bring me the same peace or happiness spending time with them that our DC does and I need that right now.

He is upset by this and is saying things like how he thought I cared about them and loved them. He doesn't understand how that can be true but it's not the same as our DC. It feels more like work in a way our DC doesn't, less natural I guess.

Anyway, he's now saying he wants me to spend some solo time with SC to 'get over this'. But I just want to breathe for a bit. Not forever, just some time.

AIBU.

This is someone 5 weeks into what sounds like a harrowing bereavement situation. It's not "rude and nasty" and she doesn't necessarily have it in her to be "kind and polite" all the time in her own home. The stepkids are old enough to understand that right now OP is really upset and not herself and sometimes she just needs to be left alone. This is a temporary situation. Have some compassion.

YBVU. If I were your husband, I’d be devastated by what you’ve said and how you detach from family life at weekends.
How can you expect your DH’s kindness and empathy when you fail to reciprocate?
Why have you posted on AIBU when you bat away dissent? Stop arguing, consider your husband’s feelings and what some of the posters are telling you, otherwise you risk losing him. Seek help for your problem then fully engage with the situation you knowingly entered.

You might want to read the thread...

Well I would say it to their faces, if it needed explaining - they are having contact time with their dad - I'm sure they KNOW that's why they're there. If OP and her husband break up they're not going to come and stay with her, are they. They'll go to their dads. It's not mean it's just a fact. It's not the same as saying no-one else wants to see them or they're not welcome, not at all.

Nanny0gg I have thankyou it's disgraceful.

I think it unfair to take 1 child out and not the others unless they all get a turn at going out for 1-1 time

DSC do get 1-1 time, with their dad. I don't have the energy right now to be planning trips out with all of them 1-1, I'm not a merry-go-round where all the kids need to get a turn. They are having 1-1 time when I'm out with their father.

Op I'd remove yourself from this thread the vipers are out and twisting everything. For your mental health.

If my kids got into my bed and said can we watch a movie I'd say yes let's all watch one together eith the other kids in the living room but then I wouldn't be watching TV in bed in the middle of the day, may be get rid of the TV in your room, so there is less separation

I'm not upstairs watching a film by myself I usually just take myself up for a bit of space to read it something and DC will come and find me occasionally and ask to get in and put something on.

Read or something not it

What would you do if your SC came in and wanted to watch a film with you?

Yes you're probably right

They can, they've never asked. I'd prefer it if they didn't personally but I wouldn't say no.

INeedToEscapeSometimes
I hope you don't mind I've reported the thread as the answers your getting are appalling. I know you can report your thread aswell if it gets too much for you.

OP I don't think you're being unreasonable, I think it's important for everyone take the time they need. Loss is really tough to deal with, and having someone else's kids around every weekend can also be very overwhelming and a lot to deal with.

I don't think you should feel bad, you're not doing anything out of spite and you're not trying to leave anyone out, you just need some space and I think that's totally ok. Surely it's normal to seek comfort and love in those closest to us especially in the trickier times. All the kids are safe and well and looked after so keep trying to work through this.

Maybe it would be a good idea to make sure your husband knows exactly how you feel and that' you're still having a hard time dealing with everything. Not sure if relevant to you OP but when I experienced a very close loss last year I expected to feel 'better' and be more back to normal after the funeral - I kept saying to my DH that I'll feel a lot better once the funeral was over with, and I really didn't, I felt just as shit and the whole thing was so overwhelming. He was great and just carried out supporting me however I needed.

I personally would make sure to organise a really fun and special day out for all 6 of you when you're feeling up to it though.

This thread is bonkers.

Of course the OP can spend time (including weekend time) just with her/their/smaller children. It is a normal thing in bigger families.

They can coordinate, so DH does something interesting with the older ones, if he wants to do so.

I suppose part of the issue is, that in this case 50:50 means majority of the weekends, so there isn't a natural free time with the younger ones.

It seems a really sad situation for them, for you and for your husband. I hope you all get through it and the children do not realise how you feel.

I don’t think you’re doing anything wrong. Why can’t the op have a day with kids during the weekend? It’s not like she’s got time in the week as she’s working and the kids are at school or nursery. When she is able to have the day with her kids then?

Some perspective is needed here. This situation is very recent and the grief still very fresh for the poster. Prior to this she was presumably able to parent and step-parent fine and in a way where the step-children felt included. She now sometimes, not all the time, needs some brief respite from the burdens of family life at the weekend especially after working full-time. This will not be the case for ever. She is still taking part in regular family life. I think her husband needs to step up more here while the healing process takes place.

I'd prefer it if they didn't personally but I wouldn't say no.

That's awful. I don't often engage in threads about SMs - I agree that sometimes those can be utterly vituperative but really, I often wonder why people make the choices they do, to create blended families or to form a long-term relationship with a man (in the case of SMs) who already has children.

I agree with a PP - I couldn't do it (and haven't - single parent, 3 DC).

But if you are going to, you need to work hard on parity of treatment and involvement. No, they are not your DC. But you have entered into their young lives, their home, and as such need to treat them inclusively.

Your SDC are also young - I find it heartbreaking how you speak about them.

I'm also very sorry for your loss and hope you are getting support, outside of the issues you posted here.

Wow for fuck sake! She’s not treating them badly, she’s taking time for herself, taking her kids out & her stepkids are getting one on one time with their dad! How many times on this forum have people jumped on a step parent for not giving stepkids time with their parent and trying to insist their own kids have to be part of every parent & step child interaction?

i’ve seen on here so many times where it’s been pointed out that the steps visiting is TIME WITH THEIR DAD & now this woman is being slated for taking a bit of time away from parenting not-her-kids?

She’s said it’s temporary! This isn’t her trying to leave them out of world Disney holiday, or taking away their bedroom to turn into DCs playroom, she isn’t asking him to see them outside of their home, which I could understand people judging her for these things, she’s not asked that he look after all the kids on his own every weekend.

This!!!!

This is a human being going through a really tough time, I can't believe the lack of compassion and kindness on this thread, it really is shocking.

Op as your loss was 5 weeks ago I think it’s ok for you to do whatever you need for comfort
it does sound like you’re pushing your Sc away and projecting some of the feeling onto them, which is understandable but maybe long term is a little unfair. Long term too you cant lean on your children too much as that isn’t fair to them either.
5 weeks it’s so fresh, i don’t think whatever is happening now will harm anyone long term. But I do think some counselling would be good for you to work through this in a healthy way and (continue to) be a good mum and SM
it isn’t reasonable for DH to expect you to love SC as much, but I do think he’s right that they need to feel like a loved and wanted part of the family. Again 5 weeks from a loss is maybe not the time to tackle that.

No, but (especially under the circumstances when you’re not spending as much time with your SDCs, and they are likely noticing it) it would be nice to invite the SDCs to join in, too. It seems like such a small gesture/courtesy to ask if they’d like to watch, too. Watching a film with them shouldn’t even be that taxing.