To have said this to DH about his children?

[INeedToEscapeSometimes]

I have gone through something really difficult recently, I don't want to go into detail mainly because I struggle to talk about it but it has really affected me and my view of life. At home it is me, DH, our shared DC and his older DC who stay with us 50% of the time.

I have felt quite smothered recently, I've not been able to take much time off work due to high demands and I feel burnt out, stressed and upset most of the time.

DH has been helping a lot at home, taking over the chores and things and has been comforting and affectionate.

But one thing I'm struggling with is having a full house so much after a full week at work. My SC are a lot sometimes and can be very full on and messy and I've been struggling to enjoy the time they are here.

As such I've been trying to take myself away a bit when they come. This has included taking my own DC out sometimes for the day just me and them and these days have been so special to me, I have been so comforted by little cuddles and watching them enjoy a day out or just getting home and having a little movie night with them in our bedroom. This is not constantly, sometimes I just take myself upstairs alone or go for a walk by myself and leave all the DC together, but occasionally my DC will ask to come up or I will take them somewhere nice for a little treat.

My DH said last night that he feels like I'm withdrawing too much from SC and I should include them too. He doesn't seem to understand I just need a bit of space right now and some wind down time. They are here most weekends so it just feels a lot.

Anyway, I ended up saying basically that I don't feel comfort from his children in the same way as ours, that they don't bring me the same peace or happiness spending time with them that our DC does and I need that right now.

He is upset by this and is saying things like how he thought I cared about them and loved them. He doesn't understand how that can be true but it's not the same as our DC. It feels more like work in a way our DC doesn't, less natural I guess.

Anyway, he's now saying he wants me to spend some solo time with SC to 'get over this'. But I just want to breathe for a bit. Not forever, just some time.

AIBU.

Not an option - as the OP explained upthrad, they are there every weekend. Weekdays she is at work and DC are at school/care.

Firstly I'm so sorry for your loss, its understandable that you're not in your best headspace right now.

That being said, it is coming across like you are letting that headspace affect the way you are spending time with the children in your life. Unless I've missed it earlier in the thread I think you need to carve out some time in your week where you get some support for the bereavement you've suffered whether it be through counselling or a support group or doing something that doesn't involve talking like rambling etc. Somewhere that you get time for yourself to process and be upset and remember the person you've lost.

It's natural to want to hold your children that little bit tighter when you've suffered a loss, we all do it. But you aren't just a mum, you're a step mum too and your sc need you, you're still an important part of their lives even if you don't necessarily feel the same level of attachment to them as your own dc. So the way in which you act now will have bearing on how they feel in their home with you, how they feel about their relationship with you and ultimately how they feel about themselves. Children are observant and intuitive. If they perceive you wanting to spend more time with just your dc and not them then they are going to feel that as a rejection and wonder what it is about them that wasn't good enough to get invited up for the movie or to be involved in what you're doing with your dc. I suggest you look at flexible working or whatever way you can to build in more quality time with your dc during the week when your dsc aren't there and instead of focusing on the rush and the faff between work and bedtimes, try to savour story time and bath time etc because that's all quality time too. If my dh was pulling back from my dc I'd probably let it go for a while, but 5 weeks (while not long to process grief) is a long time for children to notice a difference. I would try to plan it so that your dh is taking his dsc out for an hour or two to do something fun to give you time with your kids but I think it's important to remember that this is taking time away from your dh being with your dc (presumably he works a full week too) and you're taking time away from your dc bonding with their older brothers and sisters because you view them as different and right now are making a distinction. I think the feelings you're having are natural enough, but you need to find support to get yourself through this outside of your children because it's coming across like they're forming part of your coping mechanisms at the moment maybe subconsciously.

YABVU

I’m thankful I didn’t have a step-mother like you.

She adored me and my sister and never showed that we weren’t wanted. We were always welcome and never felt like outsiders.

You signed up for this, and I feel sorry for your step-children and your DH.

And don’t think your SC don’t know, because they will.

Does it ever occur to people like you that we're all equally glad not to have step children or partners like you?

I would hate to have someone in my life who, even as an adult, was this self absorbed and unable to see the nuance in the situation enough to muster even the slightest bit of empathy for somebody in OPs position.

My thoughts would be to muddle through as best that you can at the moment, but definitely look to having some counselling and do you have a holiday booked for a break from everything?

But I can see that what you have said to your DH (even though it may all be true) does give him rather a dilemma. Sometimes thoughts can be voiced, and sometimes best left in our own heads. As you have said yourself all DCs are his own children and he wants to love and protect them all.

The problem with you having time and space specifically with your own DC is that you are creating a divide which is clear to him, and presumably to your Step children. You are clearly showing that you prefer to spend time with your own DC but not as part of your blended family, and that's a problem. If he didn't think it was a problem he wouldn't have raised this with you would he?

I can see how you may need time and space, but somehow you are going to have to navigate this so that your DH and your SC do not feel excluded. The older children must be noticing that you are going out separately with the younger ones and that you are going upstairs and having the younger ones follow you etc. It's not a great dynamic sadly for a happy blended family going forward.

Good luck with it all.

Yes and no. Basically yabu, but I get it. It's not the same.

Did you never want time with your Dad? Or to do age appropriate stuff?

I don't understand this, this weekend my GC will be seperated. The youngest coming to a small fair with me, the eldest is going bowling. Other weekends the eldest is taken to the likes of Ninja warrior. I don't see why posters think that your DH shouldn't be taken the strain off you and dressing it up to the children that they are doing stuff more appropriate for their age. If you don't separate children then the eldest misses out.

It sounds like what you have been through is heavy and that you would benefit from counselling or help on that front.

I'm a now adult SC and your post is triggering me massively and probably colouring my judgment. But WTF. They were here before you. You chose to be with a man who has children. Please dig deeper and endeavour to treat them like yours.

I can't begin to explain to you how unfairly treated they must feel when you can DC for one on one time and never offer them the same kindness.

Get help and please treat them like the children they are and not like inconveniences.

I hope you feel better soon.

sounds like mum is grieving. can the step childrens' mother not have them every second weekend or does she expect every weekend off?

Jeez you're burnt out. If you fall over you'll be no good to anyone. SC aren't affected it's DH who's noticed. You need to step back til you feel better. It's no good forcing the issue it'll make you feel worse. Look after YOU. Cup of tea/wine and quiet time. Or clear house in one go. DH could take SC out give you space to breathe this is what you need. You can step up if maybe you come home to a clean quiet home and get some time for you.

Four children every weekend Sheesh that's full on for anyone.

I don't think it's fair that the ex leans on you every weekend to be honest. Are there no other family members to step up. What would she do if you moved away.

Whilst I can empathise with going through a difficult situation and feeling smothered as you put it, I have also been the stepchild who has been pushed out and treated differently.

It has affected my self confidence and given me attachment issues even now as a grown adult with 2 kids of my own. Please don't snub them 🥺

You're also denying them and your own children time with their siblings by not including them in your plans.

If you feel things are getting too much it maybe a good idea to take some sick leave? To take some time for yourself when the children are in school/nursery.

@ Sofa. Can you not accept that some posters have different opinions to you? You shoot down anyone who doesn’t see the OP’s situation from your perspective.
Is it your way or the high way?
Do you fight everyone IRL too?

I am going to be honest here and say I disagree with this.

IF OP is worked up and feeling overly stressed she is no good to anyone. Let alone her SC. That could lead to bigger issues down the line than them simply feeling left out.

It sounds like it’s not all the time. She still makes time for them and of course she’s going to feel differently about her own DC than she does about her SC. That is just life.

No, I don't. I disagree with multiple people because it's an open discussion and people raise new and different points. I'm not the only person who does this.

@ Sofa. Everyone has the right to express their point of view, yet you vigorously challenge. Some people disagree then move on.
I’ll leave you to ponder that.

Is this how you operate Chia? Try and shame posters by saying they’re posting too much?

@aSofaNearYou has been respectful of people whilst you’re the one berating OP posting the thread and telling her to stop arguing and to listen to people like you.

If you can’t take being vigorously challenged then maybe you’re on the wrong forum. I’ll leave you to ponder that.

I clearly have a different opinion to Sofa’s and to many others yet I don’t follow them through a thread to disagree. She can post as often as she likes but her determination and vigorous challenges will not change my point of view. No, I am not shaming her. Don’t be so ridiculous.
The OP has asked if she is being unreasonable, ergo she cannot be sure. What’s the point of arguing back - it implies the purpose of the thread is futile.
On the wrong forum? Are you being ageist? 🤣

Allow yourself time to grieve in whichever way you want. It sounds fine to take yourself off. I doubt your step children are suffering. They have a mum, a dad, 2 homes, siblings. They are loved. You are under no obligation to love them as your own. You have stated, your partner can organise a day out for all. This is a great solution. He is the dad and needs to be the parent here. They have a mum at home. Meanwhile, put yourself first. Your husband shouldn't expect you to be the mum to his kids. Asking you to spend 1-1 with his kids is unreasonable, he needs to parent here, it sounds like he's copping out and you will just end up resenting them.

There is absolutely nothing to stop your their dad doing the same. Why can't he take his kids out for some quality time and a treat or snuggle up with a movie. Does he think it's your job?

PixieLaLa I don't always agree with sofa however in this case I agree the way people have twisted and cruelly berated op is appalling and it needs to be challenged. People who sit behind their screens and spout such venomous words to a woman who is clearly struggling 5 weeks later. Who's dc dm doesn't prioritise spending quality time with her dc I'm aware she's working but she should change her working pattern so she can actually spent time with her dc. Instead op is expected to take on that role share her time with her dcs not allowed to spent time alone with them not even watching a movie. Words have failed me today. This is one of the worst threads I've seen for a long time.

Personally I don’t agree with harassment and that exactly what @aSofaNearYou and @Lacucuracha are doing.

II get that and agree with you. But I do not agree with harassment towards people who have a different opinion. It’s not on.

You’re calling people rude prick and idiots and yet think you’re being harassed?

ok 🤣