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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

“Accidental” pregnancy. Has it ever worked out?

158 replies

Definitelynotagoodidea · 21/06/2023 08:23

Had a fallout with one of my closest friends who let it slip after a couple of drinks that she’d stopped taking the pill without informing her partner of 6 years. Her reasons are that they’ve discussed having kids and he definitely wants them but he just wants them to be in a perfect financial/home situation before trying. She thinks he will be fine with an accidental pregnancy but won’t discuss it upfront with him as she knows he will tell her “not right now”.
She’s in her early 30’s and he’s 10 years older and my view is that he actually doesn’t want kids at all which is why he’s employed numerous delaying tactics over the last couple of years so this has disaster written all over it. However, apparently I am wrong and loads of people do it and have happy outcomes.

YABU - yes, loads of women do this and it all works out.
YANBU - terrible idea. Friend is deluded and will likely all end in tears.

OP posts:
BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 21/06/2023 08:25

Had she said that she and he have decided that as its him that wants to wait, its down to him to sort contraception, fine. And technically, if he doesn't want a baby (yet) he should be wearing condoms.

But if they are in a long term committed relationship and both mutually agree to one form of contraception, her removing that without saying so is practically criminal imo.

I'd tell her to tell him or you will.

yadeciN · 21/06/2023 08:31

I can't look at my friends who did this the same. 2 let it slip. I also believe many, many of the accidents are not accidenta🤷

And yes, if thereis contraception agreed, withdrawing it without discussion is shit and I would lose all the trust in the partner. It will eventually come out.

So fucking immature bringing kids into this.

Behindthelines · 21/06/2023 08:33

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BananaSpanner · 21/06/2023 08:34

I was about to answer yes to your question as we had an accidental pregnancy and all was fine and happy (and still is 12 years and another planned child later). However, whilst we were careless, we both knew we were being careless, there was no deceit.

thimbbwebelr153 · 21/06/2023 08:34

I know one women who did this. They are together but miserable

orangegato · 21/06/2023 08:36

What a fucking mess. If a bloke stealthed a woman to get her pregnant there would be uproar.

Yeah bringing a kid into the world only one parent wanted is not going to end well. It may extend the relationship due to necessity, but not in a good way.

She’s a psychopath for doing this.

Midnightslikethis · 21/06/2023 08:38

My BIL is with a horrible woman (horrible for lots of reasons) who did this, 3 months into a relationship as she knew he'd never stay with her otherwise. He has stepped up and they've been together 5 years so I guess it's worked out OK for her so far but according to DH they live like flatmates who co parent so it probably won't last forever.

SallyWD · 21/06/2023 08:38

My friend did this this with 2 of her pregnancies (she had 3 children). Well I suppose it worked out in the sense she now has 3 grown up children and is still together with her partner. However, it's morally reprehensible.

DisquietintheRanks · 21/06/2023 08:39

Ime it's fairly common and tends to work out if the man really did want children at some point. I do think the percentage of fathers who end up leaving all/most parenting to the mother in these circumstances is quite high. And sometimes they leave totally of course.

Behindthelines · 21/06/2023 08:39

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x2boys · 21/06/2023 08:42

BananaSpanner · 21/06/2023 08:34

I was about to answer yes to your question as we had an accidental pregnancy and all was fine and happy (and still is 12 years and another planned child later). However, whilst we were careless, we both knew we were being careless, there was no deceit.

Yes this happened to a friend of mine both knew they were not using contraception and she got pregnant very early into the.relationship,which was a surprise to them.both despite them both being qualified Nurses ...
They did split up.for a while,but went on to have their daughter and then had a second daughter a couple of years later ,and got married
So yes it worked out but there was no deceit
I think it's a different situation though if the women deliberately comes off contraception and doesn't tell her partner .

YeahIsaidit · 21/06/2023 08:42

A guy removing a condom during sex without saying is "stealthing" and AFAIK is illegal, in my opinion doing this is exactly the same thing and should be treated the same. I think that is deplorable and I'd question my friendship with this person

Original poster
Definitelynotagoodidea · 21/06/2023 08:43

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I think it’s the constant shifting of goalposts. Firstly, it was the “we need a house with more space”, then it was “let’s get the house renovated first” and this has continued with all sorts of excuses and the latest is that he wants to have at least six months worth of savings in the bank before trying. He’s in his 40’s and has a highly paid job and a number of rental properties. They appear to be in a great financial position so I’m not sure why he is so reluctant to give my friend what she desperately wants. I can only assume he doesn’t actually want kids and is stringing her along but I could be wrong.

OP posts:
Beezknees · 21/06/2023 08:43

Terrible behaviour.

As somebody whose ex has absolutely nothing to do with my DS (his choice and I did not trick him into a pregnancy) I would never ever willingly bring a child into a situation where the father didn't really want them. It's so selfish! Yes it can work out but there is always the potential that the father could walk away.

fiftyandfat · 21/06/2023 08:43

Deceit around contraception is not accidental.

ThreeCoursesForMe · 21/06/2023 08:46

Does your friend care that she's literally, dishonestly removing his ability to consent to an element of a sexual relationship? How would she feel if that was done to her? Sex without a condom as promised etc? Absolutely vile. I'd tell him and disown her.

Ingrowncrotchhair · 21/06/2023 08:47

Definitelynotagoodidea · 21/06/2023 08:43

I think it’s the constant shifting of goalposts. Firstly, it was the “we need a house with more space”, then it was “let’s get the house renovated first” and this has continued with all sorts of excuses and the latest is that he wants to have at least six months worth of savings in the bank before trying. He’s in his 40’s and has a highly paid job and a number of rental properties. They appear to be in a great financial position so I’m not sure why he is so reluctant to give my friend what she desperately wants. I can only assume he doesn’t actually want kids and is stringing her along but I could be wrong.

Show quote history

Oh great, another one of those, taking up a woman’s fertile years

DeeplyMovingExperience · 21/06/2023 08:47

"Accidental" (on purpose) pregnancies are very common. Men who think all women are honest about using contraception are stupid. If they don't want to cause a pregnancy, they have to take responsibility for containing or disabling their sperm.

ALL unplanned pregnancies are caused by men. They seem not to be able to grasp this.

I have a very low opinion of women who deliberately get pregnant without a man's consent. However, the men are totally culpable for not taking care of their own contraception.

My brother has FOUR children that were unplanned, and seems not to be able to grasp how it happened. Fucking idiot.

Anaemiafog · 21/06/2023 08:50

It's the deceit that makes it so awful. One of our three DC was an 'accident' as in unplanned, what you're describing isn't.

StrayGoose · 21/06/2023 08:50

YANBU

Ask her how she would like it if he secretly got a vasectomy?

Marchintospring · 21/06/2023 08:52

She wants a baby. That will hopefully work out for her.
Their relationship might or might not.
It doesn’t sound like she’s doing it to trap him.

Mariposista · 21/06/2023 08:54

I have no words for women who do this.

Maxiedog123 · 21/06/2023 08:55

StrayGoose · 21/06/2023 08:50

YANBU

Ask her how she would like it if he secretly got a vasectomy?

Maybe he has!

It sounds like both of them are deceiving each other...
He is future faking, deceiving her that he will have kids with her while her fertile years go by.
She is deceiving him that she is using contraception.

Has disaster written all over it.
She should rather break up with him and find someone who wants a family before she gets much older

Hollyppp · 21/06/2023 08:56

He won’t make a good dad.

loads of dads who DO want a baby end up being pretty rubbish at pulling their weight. I can’t imagine a reluctant dad is going to be partner of the year

Godlovesall26 · 21/06/2023 09:00

Yes, he had an affair (to mess it up further, she was originally his OW affair, he was older with 2 DC 10 and 12 at the time, he left them for her).
They’d been married a while and had a 2yo DC.
So she realised there was another OW already, did this, and ended up with twins.
He actually found out and was furious, but did stay (paid maintenance and kept seeing the older kids, so father wise he’s always been very invested tbf, and still is with all as adults, for the oldest GC etc).

To this day he’s still cheating, everyone knows, but they’re married, and the wife never worked a day (which was her goal also, extremely close family member (but my parents generation), so I’m not going by rumors, not going to state my personal opinion), not working is incidentally a pattern her daughter has followed, except she refuses to get married or have children (which was mum’s plan) so parents still funding lots.