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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

“Accidental” pregnancy. Has it ever worked out?

158 replies

Definitelynotagoodidea · 21/06/2023 08:23

Had a fallout with one of my closest friends who let it slip after a couple of drinks that she’d stopped taking the pill without informing her partner of 6 years. Her reasons are that they’ve discussed having kids and he definitely wants them but he just wants them to be in a perfect financial/home situation before trying. She thinks he will be fine with an accidental pregnancy but won’t discuss it upfront with him as she knows he will tell her “not right now”.
She’s in her early 30’s and he’s 10 years older and my view is that he actually doesn’t want kids at all which is why he’s employed numerous delaying tactics over the last couple of years so this has disaster written all over it. However, apparently I am wrong and loads of people do it and have happy outcomes.

YABU - yes, loads of women do this and it all works out.
YANBU - terrible idea. Friend is deluded and will likely all end in tears.

OP posts:
caringcarer · 21/06/2023 09:00

I think this is a bad thing to do. I can't see it ending well.

89redballoons · 21/06/2023 09:02

They're both lying to each other, then.

He doesn't actually want a baby but is lying and saying he does, so that she sticks around and he gets comfort/convenience/sex. She is lying to him about being on the pill.

Her lie is worse because having an unwanted baby for the rest of his life, for him, is worse than being in her early 30s and not having a baby yet, for her. The partner who doesn't want a baby always trumps the partner who does in this kind of situation.

Crimblecrumble1990 · 21/06/2023 09:06

I know a few couples like this. Married, early 30s, kids on the horizon but husband 'just not quite ready yet'. What do you know, accidental pregnancy. All still together and happy though.

Godlovesall26 · 21/06/2023 09:09

Godlovesall26 · 21/06/2023 09:00

Yes, he had an affair (to mess it up further, she was originally his OW affair, he was older with 2 DC 10 and 12 at the time, he left them for her).
They’d been married a while and had a 2yo DC.
So she realised there was another OW already, did this, and ended up with twins.
He actually found out and was furious, but did stay (paid maintenance and kept seeing the older kids, so father wise he’s always been very invested tbf, and still is with all as adults, for the oldest GC etc).

To this day he’s still cheating, everyone knows, but they’re married, and the wife never worked a day (which was her goal also, extremely close family member (but my parents generation), so I’m not going by rumors, not going to state my personal opinion), not working is incidentally a pattern her daughter has followed, except she refuses to get married or have children (which was mum’s plan) so parents still funding lots.

Sorry some aspects maybe weren’t clear.
Wife knows all about the cheating.
Daughter not working is mid 30s, couple of years older than me, and one of the twins just had baby, both him and girlfriend unemployed (by choice, they get enough benefits to rent, and now seem to expect parents to fund DC, which they are, they don’t really have a choice, they can’t let a newborn go without). Now mum and dad are despairing, especially as extremely hard working dad is getting older. No inheritance to be enough to consider, they were never really rich per se, dad did provide well while working but no pension, and so many kids now, especially not working.

Flossiemoss · 21/06/2023 09:11

They are both game playing and have dreadful communication between them as neither can admit what they actually want . Him that he doesn’t want children and her that she wants them. Ideally your friend needs to give him an ultimatum and stick to it. He is as bad for messing her around when she doesn’t have the luxury of time for fertility.

I haven’t sympathy for either of them and would keep well out of it. I doubt it’s the only area of their relationship where communication is so dysfunctional. Some people love like that quite happily. Others not so much.

x2boys · 21/06/2023 09:15

Ingrowncrotchhair · 21/06/2023 08:47

Oh great, another one of those, taking up a woman’s fertile years

She could leave .

EbonyRaven · 21/06/2023 09:26

Of course YABU. Trying to babytrap a man is a terrible idea. It happens a lot more than people think - or will admit though. You get the 'ooh a man should wear a condom if he doesn't want a baby' type comments so the woman cannot possibly be blamed. But if she is on the pill, and he thinks she is on it, and is taking it properly, then he has no reason to use a condom! This is one of the most stupid comments I hear on here.

I know this won't go down well on here, but basically, it's the woman who is always left with the baby, so she needs to be the responsible one and make sure she has her birth control covered, and in place. Yep that's what I said. Cannot trust a man to do it. He doesn't care. He's not going to be stuck with the baby is he? It's always the woman. Don't act all faux shocked and horrified when you fall pregnant when you KNOW you skipped some pills/stopped taking it, and the man leaves, because he didn't want a baby, and he let you KNOW he didn't want one.

I know 4 women RIGHT NOW who have done this @Definitelynotagoodidea and with all but one of them, it did NOT work out. The man left. With 3 of them, they had been with the man for 2-4 months and were all in their early 30s, and 'accidentally' fell pregnant. Shockingly the man did not stay. All 3 men left.

Each one of these 3 women is now struggling alone with a 1 to 2 year old, paying soaring nursery costs herself, having to cut her hours at work, or having to pay childminder fees. Also doing all the night feeds and night waking. No help from the 'dad' at all. 2 of them don't even know where he is.

2 of the women constantly post stuff on facebook about dads who fuck off and leave their children, and leave the mother to cope alone. Whilst I think this is a shitty thing for man to do, in the cases of these 3 women it's farcical. I have had food in my fridge longer than they had been with these men. They were barely even relationships. They didn't live together, they had met about 10 to 12 times, and the women pretty much admitted they wanted a baby for a year or more before 'accidentally' falling pregnant by some rando they met in a bar/online and dated for a few weeks!

Woman No 4 is still with her man btw (married 3 years together 7.) He wasn't ready for a baby and was fuming when she said she was pregnant - both 33. But the baby is 15 months old now and he adores her. So yeah it CAN work out, but it's more likely NOT to. Woman No 4 had been with her man for 7 years, married to him, got a home together, decent income etc, so that's possibly why he warmed to the idea in the end.

Doesn't mean every man in that situation will though! Several years ago I knew a woman who 'accidentally' fell pregnant whilst married (had been married 7 years, together 10, both 34 y.o.) He left when the baby was 3 months old. Said he never wanted children, and stuck with it. He was furious from the minute she said she was pregnant, and ended up fucking off and leaving her with the baby. She also deliberately babytrapped him. Told everyone she did had done this! (Come off the pill and not told him.) He found all this out when the baby was 3 months old, and that's when he left her.

Yellowflower47 · 21/06/2023 09:39

There’s no way of being sure if it will or won’t work out. There are some men who will be happy, some men who will be shocked but supportive and some men who will want the pregnancy to end or having nothing to do with the baby. You don’t know who you’re dealing with until it happens.

FWIW, I had a true accidental pregnancy and was just as shocked as my DP. Whilst I wanted to consider the implications of keeping vs abortion, he categorically said I must get an abortion as it was my fault I’d become pregnant (contraception was my responsibility). I had the abortion as I felt so much pressure not to ruin his life and it broke me. Wouldn’t recommend.

Lcb123 · 21/06/2023 09:42

Imagine the reverse. That's so deceitful. Fine if she tells him she stops taking pill and contraception is his responsibility. there's no 'perfect' time to have a baby - but not fair to bring a child into the world if the dad doesn't want it.

maddiemookins16mum · 21/06/2023 09:47

fiftyandfat · 21/06/2023 08:43

Deceit around contraception is not accidental.

100% this.

Sugargliderwombat · 21/06/2023 09:48

This is a disgusting thing to do to someone.

Summerfun54321 · 21/06/2023 09:56

It's not right but I wouldn't judge a friend for doing it. If her parter really doesn't want a baby he can wear condoms. If he is adamant he doesn't want children then he needs to take on the responsibility for contraception.

riverlodge90 · 21/06/2023 10:05

This video springs to mind....

vm.tiktok.com/ZGJCAX9t2/

  • stopped contraception
  • used natural cycles but had sex on red (need contraception day)
  • "manifested" the pregnancy
  • took a pre natal
  • overhauled diet and lifestyle

States was "surprise" pregnancy 🤨

eandz13 · 21/06/2023 10:08

YANBU! That is vile!

xogossipgirlxo · 21/06/2023 11:02

It's horrible. I would never want to be tricked into pregnancy like this.

OdeToBarney · 21/06/2023 11:08

Fucking awful of her. Just gross.

Florissante · 21/06/2023 11:11

YeahIsaidit · 21/06/2023 08:42

A guy removing a condom during sex without saying is "stealthing" and AFAIK is illegal, in my opinion doing this is exactly the same thing and should be treated the same. I think that is deplorable and I'd question my friendship with this person

I agree. And I agree with a PP who said that it is morally reprehensible.

TheSeaDoesntKnowMyName · 21/06/2023 11:12

orangegato · 21/06/2023 08:36

What a fucking mess. If a bloke stealthed a woman to get her pregnant there would be uproar.

Yeah bringing a kid into the world only one parent wanted is not going to end well. It may extend the relationship due to necessity, but not in a good way.

She’s a psychopath for doing this.

and If a bloke woman stealthed a woman man to get her pregnant there would be (still) uproar.

No decent person of either sex would do this

orangegato · 21/06/2023 11:17

TheSeaDoesntKnowMyName · 21/06/2023 11:12

and If a bloke woman stealthed a woman man to get her pregnant there would be (still) uproar.

No decent person of either sex would do this

The YABU percentage says otherwise, seems some people think it’s perfectly reasonable. Shudder.

It’s creepy as hell, more so when an ACTUAL HUMAN LIFE is involved imo.

StarmanBobby · 21/06/2023 11:19

I was an accidental pregnancy, my parents were 18 & 19. They married and stayed together happily ever since.
DW - similar situation - her parents were 20/21, got married and have stayed married 50 years now. Hate it other. always have apparently. There's been affairs, fighting, separate beds for over 30 years etc. They're misrable.

Depends, doesn't it?

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 21/06/2023 11:26

Were you accidental or "accidental"?

StarmanBobby · 21/06/2023 11:29

There's no way my 18 year old mother wanted to pregnant, from a boy she barely knew. No way. They're lucky it worked out!

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 21/06/2023 11:30

So not "accidental" then. Which js what the OP is asking.

lou9393 · 21/06/2023 11:34

My friends partner fell pregnant within a month of them seeing each other, she lied about contraception and even told him she had had an abortion that didn't work, to see his real commitment I guess, although I understand there is always two sides to every story. Two years on and they have just got engaged, whether it's for the right reasons I'm not sure, they definitely don't come across as the happy family unfortunately.

YeahIsaidit · 21/06/2023 11:52

Tell her partner!!

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