“Accidental” pregnancy. Has it ever worked out?

[Definitelynotagoodidea]

Had a fallout with one of my closest friends who let it slip after a couple of drinks that she’d stopped taking the pill without informing her partner of 6 years. Her reasons are that they’ve discussed having kids and he definitely wants them but he just wants them to be in a perfect financial/home situation before trying. She thinks he will be fine with an accidental pregnancy but won’t discuss it upfront with him as she knows he will tell her “not right now”.
She’s in her early 30’s and he’s 10 years older and my view is that he actually doesn’t want kids at all which is why he’s employed numerous delaying tactics over the last couple of years so this has disaster written all over it. However, apparently I am wrong and loads of people do it and have happy outcomes.

YABU - yes, loads of women do this and it all works out.
YANBU - terrible idea. Friend is deluded and will likely all end in tears.

I think you should encourage her to tell him. Tell her to say that since now all they need is the cushion of some savings, they have the time TTC and the pregnancy to achieve that, plus she’s not as concerned about that aspect especially now with the recent announcement of more free childcare so she’s taking the first step towards preparing for that and stopping taking her contraceptive. It’s not being dishonest like she currently is but giving him a bit of an ultimatum.

I agree it's morally corrupt and an awful thing to do, personally I don't think both actions are equal. For one pregnancy adversely affects the female by a long shot, and I don't think introducing laws around women taking body altering contraceptives is aspirational.

Men can wear condoms though if they want, sure in a trusting relationship you should be able to trust your partner, but they do have tools at their disposal to also bear some responsibility. They are not quite clearly the same, and how you'd police or prove womens bodies to make it illegal is scary. Again, I believe it is abhorrent and not something I'd ever consider and there's no circumstances its okay, but still it's not equivalent. Especially as a man can never get pregnant, a woman being at risk of pregnancy against their knowledge is different to a man.

It seems to me in my Hagdom that this issue is one of the last vistages of internalised misogyny. Young women have been so stripped of their autonomy that they feel the need to deceive, simply to take control of their own reproductive health. Men believe they have the right to insist that their sexual partner take endogenous hormones and these women don't feel able to say no. And we blame the women ? Really ? Because a man's right to do exactly as he pleases trumps everything. This is all in the past for me, I am 47 and at times have been very clear that the risks of hormonal contraception (blood clots) far outweigh that of unintended pregnancy. What DH chooses to do with that information is his lookout.

Starting to sound like he's just as deceitful. So maybe they deserve each other.

Can you imagine the uproar if couple decides on pill as contraception and the the man will come up with "you know, I will use condom as well just in case".
The threads on here would be massively full of LTB.
"he is cheating and doesn't want to infect anyone with anything"
"he doesn't trust you!"
"he is controlling and doesn't trust you"
"he is lying about something, probably prostitutes"
It would NEVER be hailed as positive thing to do since both agreed on pill.
Tbh I would not be pleased either if DH came in with using condoms as well after we agreed different contraception.

Would you call woman lazy if the couple agreed on condoms and the man making sure they are stock up? I bet the answer would be no.

The fact that people on here actually don't even realise that they are arguing for men to not to trust women is weird.
"well, his own fault, he should have not trust her" is what all these are doing.

Back to the situation in the OP, it has so many flags he might as well be a lifeguard. The age difference, his attitude and her being afraid of a Frank conversation. Unfortunately I have intimate knowledge of a few relationships with this dynamic- it does not end well.

Can’t understand how it is illegal for a man to remove a condom during sex without consent from the woman but not illegal for a woman to withdraw taking the pill and having sex with a man without him consenting.
These type of women are the reason men don’t trust the majority of us who would never do this.

IMO knowingly putting another person in a position where a child can be conceived without consent should be illegal.

Can’t understand how it is illegal for a man to remove a condom during sex without consent from the woman but not illegal for a woman to withdraw taking the pill and having sex with a man without him consenting.

You really can't understand the difference? That's very sad. Morally I agree both are abhorrent, but legally what on earth.

A child can be conceived from any PIV sex, yes things can be done to reduce that probability but it cannot be eliminated. For me there is also something about lying by omission and lying by commission.

My impression is that lazy men who are comfortable in the status quo make an assumption that their sexual partner will continueusually using long acting hormonal contraception with out consultation or discussion. Do they check ? Do they reopen the contraception discussion even once a year ? It is just common courtesy when someone is disrupting their entire endocrine system for your benefit to check in with them periodically. Do these men do this ? My money would be not. In fact I would go further I would suggest such discussions are actively avoided or discouraged.

As a man if you knew your partner had been on hormonal contraception for 10 years and that they want children to assume they will effectively keep using these hormones effectively under protest indefinitely is misguided at best and controlling at worst.

My DH wanted to wait. I said no, it'll be too long until the "right time" by your metrics and I'm too old to wait. So he said ok, let's stay trying now then. Because he actually wanted a child, it wasn't a drama. I do have one friend who never wanted children and was very upset to be trapped with one; he's stayed but it isn't great. I'm afraid your friend might find a lot of difficulties ahead with this path. It's much better to just manage the discussions up front.

So the route of this issue is lack of female empowerment. Perhaps if we sorted that out by for example exploring why OP's friend isn't able to be straight with her bloke we get somewhere.

My DSD was conceived this way. Her mum used to be proud of it, telling all of her friends, and me. Now, six years later she denies it. She was surprised when he left her two years after their DD was born. She seemed like she always thought they would get back together, even after DP and I met and got serious.

They cooparent better than some, but my DP is really damaged by how he became a father. It definitely didn't work out how anyone imagined.

I would absolutely never do it to him no matter how much I wanted to be a mother, it put him in a deep depression and he really worked hard to be a good dad and come out of the other side.

I really wouldn't want DSD to know that's how she came to be, luckily her mum has stopped saying it in front of her but she used to a lot when DSD was little, telling women to do the same.

Because the serious consequences of getting pregnant fall on women. Of course it’s right that men can’t trick women into PIV sex.
Its really not the same for a man. There’s no physical risks, no childbirth and he doesn’t have to be involved if he doesn’t want. Even the CMS is easily avoidable.

Of course lying to anyone is despicable but I think the urge to have a child is an understandable one especially given the outcome won’t necessarily be detrimental to the other party. If you’re in a relationship with someone you know wants children I’d say it’s up to you to protect yourself or to be honest and find a new relationship.

I know someone who did this. They are still together about 10 years later but by all accounts he's miserable and also lost access to his other kids through this relationship which might account for why he's still around. Who knows. Whatever the outcome, it's an awful way to treat your supposed partner and I don't know how you could ever be at peace with yourself.

I love your phrase "my hagdom", is this where you have run out of fucks as 50 approaches?

In normal relationship you would come and say "ok, we need change".

Thisia ridiculous man hating blame.
"well they don't regularly check so....". It's normal for partners to announce wanted changes and discuss them like adults. Whether that is contraception, money, rearranginh furniture.
No one should just unilaterally decide they will stop doing something agreed on, especially like this, and not discuss it.
What if a guy decides to quit job and just does it? His job was shite for him so why not? His partner didn't check regularly that he will be bringing the money into budget.... What ifthe woman did it? They would be called twats for unilateral decision affecting everyone. Rightfully. No one would go and say "well you didn't regularly check so...."

As a man if you knew your partner had been on hormonal contraception for 10 years and that they want children to assume they will effectively keep using these hormones effectively under protest indefinitely is misguided at best and controlling at worst.

Don't trust women even in long term relationship, great

What won't work out is lying about stopping the pill, it will kill the relationship.

However a genuine accidental pregnancy worked for me (we were both using contraception) and now married with a one year old. So yes it can work.

My sister's MIL 'accidentally' got pregnant at 41 because she desperately wanted a third child but her DH made it very clear that he didn't. Their two children were mid teens and her DH was enjoying a new lease of life with having more freedoms again. He was furious that she got pregnant and barely spoke to her throughout the pregnancy. He set about living his life as separately from his wife as possible and was out most nights of the week and played golf all weekend. So she got her third child but lost her DH in the process as he never forgave her and the marriage never recovered.

My friend’s now wife did that to him but he had prior warnings. 2 and 4 months before she actually did get pregnant she phoned him (he worked overseas 6 weeks on 6 weeks off) to say she was pregnant and her contraceptive pill must have failed. It was a false alarm both times but it happened again 4 months later and this time-it was for real. When he told me the story of the false alarms we suggested he be more careful in future and to be sure that he was using contraception too but ultimately she got pregnant on the pill thro an allegedly burst condom too. He’s a decent guy and has stood by her and loves his kids and they have gone on to have a second child but he’s not particularly happy and she got drunk and told us she was just in it for his money while
he was away working.

I don’t think either are particularly happy in life or their relationship but I guess the red flagd were all there and they both ignored it.

I actually know a couple of cases where the man did essentially do this.

Exactly so.