“Accidental” pregnancy. Has it ever worked out?

[Definitelynotagoodidea]

Had a fallout with one of my closest friends who let it slip after a couple of drinks that she’d stopped taking the pill without informing her partner of 6 years. Her reasons are that they’ve discussed having kids and he definitely wants them but he just wants them to be in a perfect financial/home situation before trying. She thinks he will be fine with an accidental pregnancy but won’t discuss it upfront with him as she knows he will tell her “not right now”.
She’s in her early 30’s and he’s 10 years older and my view is that he actually doesn’t want kids at all which is why he’s employed numerous delaying tactics over the last couple of years so this has disaster written all over it. However, apparently I am wrong and loads of people do it and have happy outcomes.

YABU - yes, loads of women do this and it all works out.
YANBU - terrible idea. Friend is deluded and will likely all end in tears.

Obviously she shouldn't trick him into a pregnancy. It might work out, it might not.
But he's also an arse for dicking her around. A woman in her 30s doesn't have all the time in the world if she wants a family. And he knows this. By his 40s he should either be ready kids if he wants them, or have taken proper control of his fertility if he doesn't.

I think this is actually more common than people expect. It's definitely not ok though

I 'accidentally' got pregnant but my partner knew I wasn't on anything and he wasn't prepared to wear a condom so it definitely wasn't very much of an accident on either side 😂 luckily my partner is grown up enough to know it takes two to tango and he was thrilled when the baby was on the way

My DC2 was accidental, in that I was actually on the pill but for whatever reason it failed! What you're describing is not accidental on your friend's part, it's very much planned and I think it's appauling trying to trap someone with a human. If he doesn't want kids, yes he should be honest, but the choice shouldn't be taken out of his hands on purpose! Kids are a huge responsibility

After a quick Google, stealthing is considered rape, so ladies who think that this is OK, you could have some unpleasant visitors at your door (police) and I truly hope that happens. Tricking someone into getting pregnant is disgusting and you deserve all the legal implications that come from that

When you handball your contraception to someone else, you take your chances.

This.

My friend wanted a baby and similiar to yours it was 5 years to save for a house, 3 years to save for the wedding and then 2 years to enjoy being married she found herself 37 he was 47 and by sheer chance she discovered he had already had a vasectomy when he was 40 without her knowledge when she was away with work for 4 weeks.

just saying

Of course it's rape, the woman hasn't consented to sex without a condom. Not sure what the crime would be called in the scenario described in the OP though, as rape by definition involves penetrating someone using a penis without consent.

It's not his clock he's trying to run down.

I’ve seen accidental pregnancies work out and not work out. In the case where I know she was lying about being in the pill, it didn’t.

A friend of mine got pregnant accidentally (not sure how accidental, she was slack in taking the pill and also taking other meds known to affect the pill) and her DP was livid as he categorically didn't want more DC.

However by time DC arrived, things totally changed and he's been a great dad.

Rape is forcing someone to have sex they don't want to have. In this instance the man doesn't want to have unprotected sex and unknowingly is by deception.

To be fair, he’s always been pleasant to talk to whenever I’ve met him. Lazy though. Very much requesting my friend to fetch him drinks, snacks etc from his position on the sofa. Also likes to talk about himself a lot which is fine but obviously I visit to see my friend, not talk all night to him while she runs around after him.

I’ve read all the responses and I agree that what she’s doing is not even slightly okay. Unfortunately I think she is acting out of desperation and is afraid of the outcome of having a frank conversation with him.

A boyfriend of mine lied to me saying he was infertile when he knew he wasn't, an accident in the army apparently. I had an abortion and he had a proper meltdown and left. This was many years ago.
It turns out he'd done this to 2 previous girlfriends and was a compulsive liar who had never been in the army.
I felt absolutely violated. I wouldn't wish this on anyone.

This is terrible. Maybe they need to sit down and discuss what they want. What happens in years to come and this child finds out that mammy tricked daddy into having them. These things always come out in the end. They might overhear a conversation between the mother and father.

From a legal POV I am right, though RapeCrisis uses a definition closer to yours. Screenshots attached for reference.

I did not mean to minimise the actions described in the OP btw. I think it's utterly morally reprehensible and I could not live with myself if I were her.

I agree he sounds like a time waster if children are her priority. Does she really want children with a man who isn't keen? I think that will be the problem, not how they were conceived. Doesn't make it the right thing to do though.

She would be better off telling him she's stopping. They've been together 6 years and neither getting any younger so if he really doesn't want children then he can use condoms or better yet, be honest so she can move on and find someone who does.

She needs to take control of her own life but in an honest way.

The YABU vote is only 10%. (At 13.02 on 13/06/2023.)

One of my close friends did this. The 'father' left her during pregnancy and has never seen his son who is now 7 and a lovely boy. It's been really hard for both of them.

It was 70/30 at first, even so one in ten think this is an okay thing to do??

Friends of mine were married. She openly wanted a baby and he was dragging his feet. She went off the pill and they had their first. Now they have multiple and he has said he's glad she 'took the decision out of his hands'

Why does the “doesn’t want one” trump the that wants one?
Women have the bits to make and carry a baby. No surprise if they feel the need to use those bits.
If a man doesn’t want to be involved he really doesn’t have to be.

Lying is the bit of this that is wrong. But contraception does fail sometimes so it’s always a risk.

Men should be told there is risk of pregnancy every time they have sex, and they should only have sex with the intention to support any baby which may be created.

They can then choose whether they want to take the risk and preventative measures they may want to take.

Woman lying about the level of risk due to their own contraception is misleading them and isn't justifiable.
She should be honest: I want a baby so I'm not taking the pill. You make your decision.

Men who waste women's time like this bloke really piss me off though, and I do kind of think: if you're going to keep stringing her along and using her for sex, this is what happens.

Men are getting away with a bloody life of riley and women are letting them.

I think quite a lot if men want to produce offspring but only on the basis that the woman does 95% of the rearing and caring.

These days a lot of women don't accet that, and you get a whole breed of men delaying as long as possible and then only grudgingly giving in when they realise time's running out and all their friends have kids.