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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

“Accidental” pregnancy. Has it ever worked out?

158 replies

Definitelynotagoodidea · 21/06/2023 08:23

Had a fallout with one of my closest friends who let it slip after a couple of drinks that she’d stopped taking the pill without informing her partner of 6 years. Her reasons are that they’ve discussed having kids and he definitely wants them but he just wants them to be in a perfect financial/home situation before trying. She thinks he will be fine with an accidental pregnancy but won’t discuss it upfront with him as she knows he will tell her “not right now”.
She’s in her early 30’s and he’s 10 years older and my view is that he actually doesn’t want kids at all which is why he’s employed numerous delaying tactics over the last couple of years so this has disaster written all over it. However, apparently I am wrong and loads of people do it and have happy outcomes.

YABU - yes, loads of women do this and it all works out.
YANBU - terrible idea. Friend is deluded and will likely all end in tears.

OP posts:
StrawberryWasp · 21/06/2023 13:22

FWIW, I had a true accidental pregnancy and was just as shocked as my DP. Whilst I wanted to consider the implications of keeping vs abortion, he categorically said I must get an abortion as it was my fault I’d become pregnant (contraception was my responsibility). I had the abortion as I felt so much pressure not to ruin his life and it broke me. Wouldn’t recommend.

This is really sad @Yellowflower47 .
Why have we let men disassociate sex from pregnancy??
This is a dream for men. Sex without consequences. Doesn't exist for women.

Twizbe · 21/06/2023 13:53

You need to tell your friend to wise up now! You say partner so I assume they’re not married.

You also mention he’s a high earner with several properties. None of which I imagine she owns in any way.

My guess is that she wants the baby and imagines a decent lifestyle with said baby and him continuing to provide it.

If they’re not married she will get bugger all apart from CM. If he’s self employed in anyway he could also fudge it so she gets very little.

She is playing a risky game.

AntediluvianWitch · 21/06/2023 13:57

I know three women who did this.

Two are now single mothers and still can't understand why the men weren't thrilled at the "accidents".

One is in a miserable marriage where he won't even touch her and is having a full blown relationship with another woman. He ignores his child and her, but she won't leave because she'd be financially far worse off without him.

thecatsthecats · 21/06/2023 13:57

Definitelynotagoodidea · 21/06/2023 08:43

I think it’s the constant shifting of goalposts. Firstly, it was the “we need a house with more space”, then it was “let’s get the house renovated first” and this has continued with all sorts of excuses and the latest is that he wants to have at least six months worth of savings in the bank before trying. He’s in his 40’s and has a highly paid job and a number of rental properties. They appear to be in a great financial position so I’m not sure why he is so reluctant to give my friend what she desperately wants. I can only assume he doesn’t actually want kids and is stringing her along but I could be wrong.

Show quote history

My husband could, and gently did level the same accusation at me, because I gave those same reasons for delaying having a baby.

georgarina · 21/06/2023 14:00

thecatsthecats · 21/06/2023 13:57

My husband could, and gently did level the same accusation at me, because I gave those same reasons for delaying having a baby.

Show quote history

It's different for a man than for a woman..

AllyCart · 21/06/2023 14:04

Well I'd bin your "friend" for a start.

She sounds appalling!

Badbadbunny · 21/06/2023 14:06

Lies/deceit are not a good foundation for sharing parenting together.

My sister did this and there've been long term consequences which have basically ruined their lives and their childrens' childhoods, with ongoing consequences. She has said, many, many times, she wished she'd not done it.

If you can't be honest with each other, you really shouldn't be having children together.

StrayGoose · 21/06/2023 18:00

@Maxiedog123 that's crossed my mind as well - maybe he has had a vasectomy.

User135644 · 21/06/2023 18:16

I couldn't be friends with a sociopath.

SchoolShenanigans · 21/06/2023 18:18

I've known a few women who have admitted to doing this. They're all split up now. I think it's indicative of poor communication and a poor relationship really, so if she does it, that's on her. But I would imagine she'll be a single mum at some stage, although maybe she's willing to take that risk as she's early 30s.

Orban · 21/06/2023 18:20

Sounds like they're both pissing each other about. Not your business though. I'm sure you don't know everything that goes on in their relationship.

MintJulia · 21/06/2023 18:49

So he tells her he wants children but uses stalling tactics to delay until they are too old, and has sex without taking responsibility for contraception.

And she has come off the pill because she believes he's only worried about the finances of the moment, and so intends to fall pregnant 'accidentally on purpose'

They sound as bad as each other I wouldn't get involved.

Florissante · 21/06/2023 19:19

has sex without taking responsibility for contraception.

His partner is / was taking the Pill.

Orban · 21/06/2023 19:23

So what? He's a grown up. If he wants to avoid pregnancy he needs to take steps to ensure it doesn't happen.

MintJulia · 22/06/2023 06:38

Florissante · 21/06/2023 19:19

has sex without taking responsibility for contraception.

His partner is / was taking the Pill.

He's leaving the decision making and effort to her rather than dealing with the issue himself. His laziness will cost him dear!

wheresmymojo · 22/06/2023 06:56

If I'm completely honest I feel like this is as close as women can get to raping someone.

The courts have been clear that if a man says he will wear a condom, and then he takes it off without the woman realising...that is rape because her consent was only given on that condition.

I don't see how that doesn't apply the other way around?

If a man is only consenting on the condition that the woman is taking contraceptives, that consent isn't there if she has secretly stopped.

wheresmymojo · 22/06/2023 06:59

DeeplyMovingExperience · 21/06/2023 08:47

"Accidental" (on purpose) pregnancies are very common. Men who think all women are honest about using contraception are stupid. If they don't want to cause a pregnancy, they have to take responsibility for containing or disabling their sperm.

ALL unplanned pregnancies are caused by men. They seem not to be able to grasp this.

I have a very low opinion of women who deliberately get pregnant without a man's consent. However, the men are totally culpable for not taking care of their own contraception.

My brother has FOUR children that were unplanned, and seems not to be able to grasp how it happened. Fucking idiot.

Would you have the same opinion of a woman who got pregnant because she trusted the man to use a condom and he secretly took it off or put pin holes in it?

Dinobore · 22/06/2023 07:00

YeahIsaidit · 21/06/2023 08:42

A guy removing a condom during sex without saying is "stealthing" and AFAIK is illegal, in my opinion doing this is exactly the same thing and should be treated the same. I think that is deplorable and I'd question my friendship with this person

I agree it's awful to be deceitful but condoms do more than protect against pregnancy. A woman stopping contraception isn't opening the other party up to STIs etc against their will and knowledge.

Florissante · 22/06/2023 07:03

wheresmymojo · 22/06/2023 06:59

Would you have the same opinion of a woman who got pregnant because she trusted the man to use a condom and he secretly took it off or put pin holes in it?

Show quote history

I agree. Deceitful, inexcusable behaviour.

Florissante · 22/06/2023 07:03

wheresmymojo · 22/06/2023 06:56

If I'm completely honest I feel like this is as close as women can get to raping someone.

The courts have been clear that if a man says he will wear a condom, and then he takes it off without the woman realising...that is rape because her consent was only given on that condition.

I don't see how that doesn't apply the other way around?

If a man is only consenting on the condition that the woman is taking contraceptives, that consent isn't there if she has secretly stopped.

Agreed.

wheresmymojo · 22/06/2023 07:04

I don't think that negates any of the comparison TBH.

The vast majority of STIs can be dealt with in a week with antibiotics.

Children are a lifelong commitment.

Assuming I wanted neither an STI nor a child - I'd take any STI except HIV over the child.

LondonSouth28 · 22/06/2023 07:06

I know so many women who have done this. One in a marriage who desperately wanted a third, husband didn't but she took matters into her on hands.
Recently heard of one - she tells boyfriend she is coming off pill as she wants 'a break' from it, she says let's use rhythm method, he leaves the tracking to her... and he finds out she is pregnant when he finds a + pregnancy test in a drawer. He is happy about it, and when he told me this it's like he hadn't quite done the maths yet...

Goldencup · 22/06/2023 07:10

BananaSpanner · 21/06/2023 08:34

I was about to answer yes to your question as we had an accidental pregnancy and all was fine and happy (and still is 12 years and another planned child later). However, whilst we were careless, we both knew we were being careless, there was no deceit.

Me too he is 19 and a wonderful young man, we are both so proud of him.

wheresmymojo · 22/06/2023 07:12

I'm a strident feminist but that means equality - not seeing something a woman does as 'okay' when the male equivalent would be abhorrent.

IMO there's no difference between this and a man putting pin holes in a condom (and this man being one you're in a supposedly loving, committed relationship with!).

It's quite clearly the same.

Consent given to sex on a specific condition does not hold if the other person knowingly removes that condition.

It's like the recent cases where women have pretended to be men to have sexual interactions with other women...

If the other person wouldn't have had sex with you had they known the full circumstances then it's at the very best morally disgusting and at the worst, criminal.

I don't believe you can make it criminal in every case (I wouldn't have had sex with him if I'd known he was married) but given the outcome of this type of behaviour is lifelong emotional and financial commitment to a child I believe it should be criminal.

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