“Accidental” pregnancy. Has it ever worked out?

[Definitelynotagoodidea]

Had a fallout with one of my closest friends who let it slip after a couple of drinks that she’d stopped taking the pill without informing her partner of 6 years. Her reasons are that they’ve discussed having kids and he definitely wants them but he just wants them to be in a perfect financial/home situation before trying. She thinks he will be fine with an accidental pregnancy but won’t discuss it upfront with him as she knows he will tell her “not right now”.
She’s in her early 30’s and he’s 10 years older and my view is that he actually doesn’t want kids at all which is why he’s employed numerous delaying tactics over the last couple of years so this has disaster written all over it. However, apparently I am wrong and loads of people do it and have happy outcomes.

YABU - yes, loads of women do this and it all works out.
YANBU - terrible idea. Friend is deluded and will likely all end in tears.

I am going with logical assumption it did not end well for the couples.
Because it's shit

Still together, they made it work. I am sure the wives would have preferred their DHs to continue to play the coperate game but the DHs didn't want to, had had enough.

Agree with this. It's terrible behaviour.

This is to do with respecting another person's bodily autonomy. It literally take 2 seconds to say " you still taking the pill?" Not every single time that would be mental but you know occasionally.

Then you are supposed to diacuss that and come up with plan together not just turn up one day jobless.😶

It’s not accidental if one person is planning it, he will never forgive her if he finds out what she’s doing.

But people don't turn up jobless anymore than they suddenly stop taking the pill. Neither of these are spur of the moment decisions. If it appears to come out of the blue then people haven't been paying attention or they know full well how their partner feels, but son's give a shit because they like the status quo

Sorry don't give a shit.

It’ll come out eventually if she gets pregnant. She’s pretty disgusting

You are atill arguing that man shouldn't trust their wifea and need to check regularly they didn't secretly change their mind

I am saying it's common courtesy to pay attention to how your spouse is feeling, about their job, contraception and money amongst many other things. Stopping contraception or quitting your job without telling your partner is an act of desperation, because your thoughts, feelings and needs aren't being sufficiently considered.

Then people shouldn't be in that relationships. It is simple as that.

Yes I am suggesting men should "check in" with thier wives regularly I absolutely am.

Well possibly you are right, but I think this behaviour is fairly widespread so something must be going on on a societal level.

I can't believe with all this there are still arguments essentially saying that it's the man's fault. How annoyed would other's be if their DP stuck their head in every morning to ask "did you take your pill today?" because they shouldn't just assume that an agreed upon method of contraception is still agreed upon. You cannot make a decision like that without telling the other person involved, a sneaky "oops it must have failed teehee" is gross and wrong and saying that the men involved should have double checked is fucked up. Like PP said there'd be uproar if someone just sacked their job off as its a decision that effects everyone involved

I have explained it every way I can. I have never suggested anyone checks everyday that would be patently ridiculous. But open conversations should happen regularly and there should be absolutely no assumption that a women will continue to take endogenous hormones because a man "isn't ready" whatever the fuck that means

What's wrong with assuming that if a woman is taking the responsiblilty to look after contraception by taking the pill, that she'd say something when she stops taking it like someone in a relationship should bloody well do. It isn't a case of the man being lazy and not bothering to check in, they're just trusting their partner. The man isn't in the wrong here

I wouldn’t tell the partner, as some
mentalists have told you to do on here. No need to put yourself in that position. I would encourage her to tell her partner and have an open and honest conversation. However, if she won’t do that it’s none of your business. She’s in a fucked up situation of her own making. She likely hasn’t told her partner because she knows deep down that he doesn’t really want kids, but she’s afraid to face that fact. What a mess.

Also hilarious that some people on here are somehow performing some impressive mental gymnastics to try and blame the man for not checking in re her taking the pill. Bizarre. Sounds like MN.

I know someone e who had one planned child whilst married. They divorced and she wanted a second child and wanted them to have the same dad so she didn't take her pill, got him drunk, got pregnant and got her wish. He has no idea that the child was completely manned by her. They didn't get back together.

Genuine accident and I think it can work out well. Why doesn't your friend tell her DP that she's ready to have a baby and is coming off the pill. Then she can tell him that she's willing to be careful until he's sure, but that if it does happen she's keeping the baby.

She should tell him she wants a baby now and she’s not putting chemicals in her body to prevent that from happening anymore.
If he’s serious about not wanting to create a baby he needs to start wearing condoms or get the snip.
Obviously he won’t get the snip and I doubt he will like wearing condoms, if there is going to be an accident make it his fault rather than by lying which is a terrible way to treat a partner or bring a life into the world.
At his age if he really wanted babies he would already have kids or be getting on with it now, probably not good father material.

This

i would forgive my partner an accident, not deceit.

How awfully manipulative

It’s hugely deceitful, that’s why it’s wrong.

why wouldn’t the deceitful woman mention it?

How is not pumping chemicals into your own body via pills or injections or implants and being 100% honest with your parent that the baton for contraceptive control is now in their hands however they see fit, manipulative??
why Is this always women’s job? It’s my job for me because I don’t want a baby, this woman does want one so what’s manipulation about not taking birth control, some of which can have massive implications for women’s health wellbeing and mental health?
He doesn’t want a baby? He takes responsibility for making sure that doesn’t happen.
Nothing manipulated about it, just the old it takes two to tango and men need to realise that.
I think lying and making a baby with someone who clearly doesn’t want one is not good and will not end well, making it his responsibility is not a bad thing.