To not want partner to go to wedding without me?

[forfarhill]

Okay so obviously this is more complicated than just the title, so let me try and explain
without writing a novel!

I am engaged to my partner and we have a 14 month old. We’re currently having a very rough patch that I’m not sure our relationship will survive, but we both want to try and work it out.

The rough patch started after my partner decided he was going to buy a motorbike (one of my big deal breakers, he already does extreme sport and he had to borrow money for the bike), we argued over it a bit, then he decided to get a tattoo in a developing country whilst on holidays at a family wedding despite me asking him not. I couldn’t attend the wedding as it was not child friendly, but I encouraged him to go.

After he informed me he’d gone ahead and got the tattoo we had a massive argument, this is while he’s still overseas. I told him he’s prioritising his wants over his own child and fiancé. That before making big permanent decisions he should at least consider and consult his family. I should also point out the I have an OS trip planned that’s been 6 years in the making, that he was meant to be coming on, instead he took his holiday leave to visit his mates, and instead of delaying the bike purchase so he could afford to go he chose to get the bike.

So we argued and then agreed to talk when he got home. He went to the wedding and then out clubbing with his mates.

He texted as usual for the rest of his trip. When he got home I could tell something was off, he came out with that he needs ‘space to consider if he can ever be happy in this relationship.’ And that he wants his freedom. This is all out of left field for me, sure we argued but it wasn’t this serious.

About three days later he confesses he screwed some random girl from
the club because he ‘thought we were done’. Which is bullshit. We’ve been together 8 years, I never would’ve ended it over text and he knew that and even agreed to discuss it when he got home.

So he’s now living at his parents while we organise couples therapy and see if we can unf**k this mess he’s made.

In the meantime he’s been invited to a friends wedding, he’s only known this person around 9 months, and this wedding is while I will be away OS. I’ve told him I think it’s super inappropriate for him to attended without me, given the current circumstances and the fact I currently don’t trust him. He thinks I should not be worried and it’ll be fine as he only cheated because ‘he thought we were over’ but I think he obviously can’t be around girls and drink without there being a risk. Besides this is all very fresh, of course I’m not going to trust him!! I feel if he wants to work things out then he needs to prioritise me and what I need currently to be comfortable.

WIBU if I told him this is a nonnegotiable boundary for me and he’s not to go?

I‘m not grounding him. He can do whatever he likes. But it’d be nice if he’d at least consider my feelings .

Get rid. The wedding isn’t the issue here. You can’t trust him to go to a wedding alone and that in itself is a major issue.

I think I may have enabled him as well.

You've done everything you could (and more, way more than normal) to keep this manchild happy and keep the family together, he has at no point showed himself as a capable partner and father.

Now he's moved out. It seems terrible at the moment, all this, but in time you're only losing a huge source of anxiety, a cheater, and a barely-there parent who can still do just as much from a separate address.

Please don't work any harder to get him back. Attend the counselling with the stated purpose of working out how to co-parent your little one in a co-operative and healthy way. Don't expect less of him as a father due to his previous MH conditions, there are tonnes of single parents or SAH parents who have been hospitalised for depression. It's not depression that makes you act like a single teenager when you're an engaged dad in your late twenties, it's selfishness.

He wants and needs to be single. It's over. And you are 50 times the person he is and will honestly thrive.

Don't fall into the trap of thinking that you can't "throw it away". It is not your job to fix people. You can offer practical and emotional support, but that's only ever appropriate if the person wants to try and fix themselves.

Google the sunk costs fallacy. That's where you are right now.

Instead of thinking about it being a failed relationship, consider that it's a stage of your life but you have gone in different directions so it's now time to journey on without him.

@forfarhill

I‘m not grounding him. He can do whatever he likes. But it’d be nice if he’d at least consider my feelings .

But we're going round in circles with this. He won't consider your feelings. He's incapable of doing this. You need to let go of the expectation that he will. You won't be able to move forwards with your life until you stop expecting him to do things he can't or won't do.

I'm just trying to imagine a situation where he was off on a trip and you refuse to look after your baby because you "can't deal with them at night" and your partner's brother has to take over instead.

Can you imagine??

OP, you have two choices. Stay with this man who treats you like shit and happily lets you fund his ridiculous lifestyle, and hope he changes (he won't). Or leave, and take a chance on forming a new relationship with someone who actually cares about you. Stay and be miserable, or leave and have a chance of a happy life.

Sorry @forfarhill I started my pp to you at about 7.45am, and although I haven't had a chance yet to catch up on all the posts since then I can see there have been a lot! So if I have said things that are no longer relevant please accept my apologies - oh and my apologies also for forgetting to say what a lovely and caring person you seem to be. I think your 'fiancé' is very stupid in not realising how lucky he is/was, he will probably live to regret it!

We are going round in circles a little here. The language is sort of irrelevant, grounding, controlling, whatever... The fact is you don't want him going somewhere without you because you don't trust him. That's not the basis of a relationship and it's not sustainable. He clearly won't do it either. So the only option you have is to stay or leave.

This post makes it sound like you treat him like a child @forfarhill. You're not his parent or his babysitter. You don't like his choices and his behaviours but he's an adult and he gets to make his own decisions (even when they're foolish ones).

You may not see it but you're trying to control him. You're trying to make him into the man you want him to be. The man you see (or saw) potential in. But that's not actually who he is and seemingly not who he wants to be.

You need to let him go and stop trying to hang on to a relationship that is dead in the water I'm afraid. You want your 'little family' but it's very evident from his behaviour that it isn't what he wants. It sounds like he tried to be something that he's not but he couldn't keep it up. It's not him. You can't make him be that person. You need to let him go.

When someone SHOWS you who they are, you should believe them.

He is showing you he cant look after his dc
He is showing you he doesnt want to share a life with you (making big decisions on his own)
He is showing you he cant be trusted

When are you going to believe him? When are you going to step away from your dream that you found a good partner who would share your life and join you in parenting your dc? He is showing you that he will not do that with you.

You can't make him be considerate towards you. I'm sorry OP but genuinely you can't make him have the feelings for you that you want or deserve. If he's your first, or first serious, or first sexual experience, first romantic experience I just don't think you understand that this is not how either of you should be.
If you had more experience you would know that, you would have kicked him into touch long ago, he might be OK in a sort of 'go out and have fun, but don't think of him as husband material' type way, but you can't turn a person like that into a good husband /partner.
I didn't mean any of that as a criticism of you as you are probably feeling that is what is happening, but truthfully I've met men who just aren't the sort who should marry. Don't waste your time on him.

It's already 'shaken down' - it's over. Honestly you're just wasting time now - bin him off and find someone decent.

Personally, I think this is where the problem lies..

There’s nothing wrong with you, but there is something massively wrong in you’re relationship, even before all this.. you’ve allowed him to have total freedom without having to think about your needs, you’ve made allowances for his mental health, you’ve not expected him to pay equally, you’ve not expected him to raise the child equally.. you’ve never expected him to be an equal partner.

it comes across in your posts that you were never really 100% happy with any of that, you just went along with it because you thought that is ‘how it should be’ and you trusted him, but honestly, he has taken full advantage of you, what he’s doing now is just an escalation of what he’s always done.. he knows ultimately you’ll just put up with it because you always have.

I think people on here are seeing your requests as unreasonable, but even if they are slightly, that is NOT the issue here at all, these requests are your attempt to have some say and control in your relationship when you never have before, but it’s all a waste of time, ultimately he will not go along with what you want as he never has before, he may pretend, just to string things along for his benefit, which will get your hopes up but ultimately he is not who you need him to be, he never actually has been, and you can’t MAKE him change now.

he is not a partner to you
he is not a father to your child
he will never be the man you want him to be.

I really feel for you OP, he’s not a decent human being at all, don’t stay with him for the sake of it or, god forbid, the sake of your child, you will be miserable the rest of your life.

Erm, he cheated on you. The wedding invite is a bit irrelevant in the light of that, surely?

Yes you’re correct. I worry about everyone.

He is not having a manic episode, hes just not that into you.

I feel you are flogging a dead horse with couples therapy.

I will tell you, you cant fix him. He doesnt want to be fixed.
All that said, if you want to look back in 2 or 3 or 5 years and say I tried, then crack on.
If however you may feel you just wasted 2 or 3 or 5 years, then just stop.

I guess I have a skewed version of how relationships should be then. I would never go ahead and do anything without first discussing it, even just telling them what I was planning. I feel like you really mustn’t like or respect your partner very much if you don’t care what they think.

So the fact that motorcycle accidents make up 17% of road fatalities yet account for 4% of licence holders isn’t a logical reason? Putting your life at risk when you have a baby seems pretty selfish, sure he could’ve compromised or he could’ve delayed. Or you know he could take out life insurance.
And shockingly he’s already talking about getting rid of his car because he won’t be needing it.

Is it really reasonable for someone to take up BASE jumping for example when they have a family? I just don’t think it is. Not while your kids are young anyhow.

Apparently I’m doing a great job of being both a doormat and a controlling bitch.

He will go to the wedding anyway

Fucking yes. I wasn’t trying to have the final say. I was saying don’t do it while you’re in an unregulated developing nation, when you get home then we can go over it and you can tell me what you’re thinking. And yes it would’ve been nice to get a look at the design etc but I wasn’t saying ‘hey man I own you, you can’t have a tattoo’. I don’t know why people think that?

And yes exactly, I’d expect to ask their opinion and then make a choice around how much weight it held for me.

But that’s what I’m saying, I get an opinion, they don’t have to care but they should at least offer me the chance to voice my opinions. If everyone thinks it okay to go out and book a two week overseas holiday without even consulting with your other half (especially when you have a small child) then I definitely have the wrong idea about relationships.

Of course you get to voice your opinion. No one is saying otherwise. What they are saying is you cannot make him listen to and agree with them because ultimately it is his choice where he goes and what he does.

Your choice is going or staying and no one would blame you for going in fact we've all encouraged you to multiple times.

There is no saving this. Not even if he turned around now and said okay I'll never go anywhere without you again so I'm not tempted. That's not trust.

Well you see this is just it, we had discussed and agreed on all this stuff and then he reneged on it. Suddenly it was ‘I’ll do what I want.’ Even after we’d had all these discussions. I don’t even know what is going on anymore.

So leave.