To not want partner to go to wedding without me?

[forfarhill]

Okay so obviously this is more complicated than just the title, so let me try and explain
without writing a novel!

I am engaged to my partner and we have a 14 month old. We’re currently having a very rough patch that I’m not sure our relationship will survive, but we both want to try and work it out.

The rough patch started after my partner decided he was going to buy a motorbike (one of my big deal breakers, he already does extreme sport and he had to borrow money for the bike), we argued over it a bit, then he decided to get a tattoo in a developing country whilst on holidays at a family wedding despite me asking him not. I couldn’t attend the wedding as it was not child friendly, but I encouraged him to go.

After he informed me he’d gone ahead and got the tattoo we had a massive argument, this is while he’s still overseas. I told him he’s prioritising his wants over his own child and fiancé. That before making big permanent decisions he should at least consider and consult his family. I should also point out the I have an OS trip planned that’s been 6 years in the making, that he was meant to be coming on, instead he took his holiday leave to visit his mates, and instead of delaying the bike purchase so he could afford to go he chose to get the bike.

So we argued and then agreed to talk when he got home. He went to the wedding and then out clubbing with his mates.

He texted as usual for the rest of his trip. When he got home I could tell something was off, he came out with that he needs ‘space to consider if he can ever be happy in this relationship.’ And that he wants his freedom. This is all out of left field for me, sure we argued but it wasn’t this serious.

About three days later he confesses he screwed some random girl from
the club because he ‘thought we were done’. Which is bullshit. We’ve been together 8 years, I never would’ve ended it over text and he knew that and even agreed to discuss it when he got home.

So he’s now living at his parents while we organise couples therapy and see if we can unf**k this mess he’s made.

In the meantime he’s been invited to a friends wedding, he’s only known this person around 9 months, and this wedding is while I will be away OS. I’ve told him I think it’s super inappropriate for him to attended without me, given the current circumstances and the fact I currently don’t trust him. He thinks I should not be worried and it’ll be fine as he only cheated because ‘he thought we were over’ but I think he obviously can’t be around girls and drink without there being a risk. Besides this is all very fresh, of course I’m not going to trust him!! I feel if he wants to work things out then he needs to prioritise me and what I need currently to be comfortable.

WIBU if I told him this is a nonnegotiable boundary for me and he’s not to go?

He doesn't care what you think. He's making that blatantly obvious. He's been making it blatantly obvious for ages.

As people are fond of saying on here, you can't change his behaviour - the only thing you can change is how you respond to it.

OP, what are you trying to get out of this? What does a good outcome look like for you?

Is it that he apologises, goes to counselling, starts being an equal parent and contributors, and you feel like you're in a genuine partnership?

If so, then you need to step back and take a long hard look at whether this person is actually capable of giving you what you want. If getting a good outcome means a huge amount of compromise on your side, then this is not the right relationship for you

You need to look at what he does - because he's already demonstrated that his words are meaningless.

when you get home then we can go over it and you can tell me what you’re thinking. And yes it would’ve been nice to get a look at the design etc but I wasn’t saying ‘hey man I own you, you can’t have a tattoo’. I don’t know why people think that

The reason ‘people think that’ and you are getting the responses you are getting is that decisions regarding your own body are not a group activity. The expectation for someone to sit down with you and ‘tell me what you’re thinking’ is inappropriate. Why look at a design unless you want to comment/approve. I’ve been married for decades, and if DH had of expected me to sit down and go over my plans for anything to do with my body, explain what I’m thinking, and get him to review and comment on what I planned would have had me out the door in seconds.

I think if it were me I probably would have offered not to go but if he’s not done that I agree he should go to the wedding- think of it like a test? Can he manage not to have sex with a random and get a tattoo, or into debt? You’re not going to be able to keep tabs on him and that won’t solve it- to an extent you have to let him make his own choices and if you can’t live with them you leave him. I’d have been out by now TBH but you obviously want to work things out- but you’re not going to do that by stopping him doing things.

Op forget couples therapy and use that money to do some solo therapy to understand why you are allowing someone to disrespect you like this and are determined to flog this dead horse of a relationship.

He can’t handle her at night so him having her wasn’t an option, although I did ask.

You wrote this about him and his daughter and no-one has picked up on it, but you need to know that this is NOT normal.

In this day and age, most men can parent their own child.
More than that, they WANT to parent their own child.
And you shouldn't have had to ASK. If one parent is away, the assumption is that the other parent will have their own child!
Yes, if you are away for 6 weeks, then he might need some babysitting support in order to go to work etc, but 'can't handle her at night' actually means - I have never taken the trouble to learn what she needs and how to soothe her. I am not interested in being her parent, just in having cute cuddles when she is calm and easy and then handing back.'

This tells you a LOT about his attitude.

I don't think it is unreasonable to want to know about tatoos/motorbikes etc and his use of money is like a teenager.
The fact that you need to ask/tell him that you are unhappy with him spending money planned for something else on a motorbike, tells you that he DOESN'T think it is necessary to communicate with you about stuff at all.

Please leave. For your own sake, you are worth so much more.

I agree with PP that counselling can be a useful tool through a break up to help you communicate for the future as you will be co-parenting together (good luck with that, I bet he just opts out)

I am a firm believer in focusing soley on the actions, disregarding the words.
List every action that is demonstrating that he wants it to work.
Then cross out the things like telling you he loves you, or bunches of flowers or romantic/begging text messages that are minimal effort. See what you have left.

Next, cross out the things that he says he's doing, but in reality, you are doing all the legwork.

Say for example he says he wants to do couples therapy. Great! Is HE doing the legwork to find the best therapist for your relationship, calling to make appointments, ordering the self-help books? Or are YOU taking the action? So cross that off.

Is he making more of an effort to be a hands on dad? Or is he just saying he wants to and expects you to do the legwork to show him? Ditto.

It seems that all the women in his life are scrabbling around for any sort of reason as to why he's a shit head, and excusing him but there are loads of lovely people with depression and other MH issues who would never dream of being this horrible to their partner. He might be a selfish shithead with depression but he's still a selfish shithead. It's not depression or manic episodes causing this - and even if it were, nobody's mental health means that they get to cause harm to others without repercussion.

He's got it really good with you. You supplement his income so he only has to do part time, you put a free roof over his head, you do ALL the parenting, you do all the running around for his health issues, all the life admin, and he's behaving like a teen who's won the lottery. He's not going to dump you, unless another sugar-mommy comes along. Why would he??

Be brave and dump him. If he REALLY wants it to work, then he will show you in spades after you break up how much he wants you - but I suspect that you are stalling at that decision because you know what happened the last time "he thought he was on a break" 🙄and you know that there will be no way back from that. I think deep down you know.

I think with the tattoo thing it's perfectly fine to say 'hang on DH, you're drunk, in another country, I think you should think about this'. I don't think it's unreasonable to question what your other half is planning on doing with their body and if my DH randomly called me up and said I'm pissed and going to go get a tattoo I'd be a bit ermmm well shouldn't you think about this first?! I wouldn't tell him he needs to come home and sit down with me to go over designs for me to approve but I'd certainly not just say 'ok dear whatever you want'. By the same token it is obviously ultimately his choice. The only real choice you have after that is to stay or go if you can't deal with what he chooses to do.

Im sorry but You deserve better. Go and live your best life with your baby and make amazing memories x

Agree - although PP have flagged this as well.

Yes, to help him split up with you. That's what my husband's wife did with him. Couples therapy so he'd realise it was over and had been for ages and this is how it's going to work going forward.

It's over you just haven't got there yet....

None of this makes him, or you, a bad person, just not the right people together.

I’ve taught quite a few students in thirty years who tell me earnestly that they will get the work done, that their studies matter to them etc - and then no work appears. A few have done this repeatedly and I’m sure at least some genuinely believed that they would do it in the moment they were speaking to me.

Actions speak louder than words. Ignore what he has said in the past about how much you mean to him, and how he will change etc - and look at what he has actually done. At the moment he was speaking he may well have believed it himself - but the temptation to go out drinking etc is too strong. He basically hasn’t grown up and his DM is making excuses. I’m the mother of a 23 year old - if he behaved like that I’d be on his case immediately.

As others have said, you sound much more like his parent than his girlfriend. Take this quote from one of you early posts on the thread

I’ve already had him have a full screening for everything and I’ll send him
back in three months again.

I assumed he was much younger than you until I read that he was your first boyfriend but he had had many previous girlfriends.

He’s clearly a total prick and you’ll be well rid when you get round to dumping him, but mothering your partner rarely makes for a good relationship. He’ll start to feel resentful and controlled, and you’ll both lose all respect for each other.

Good job you’re not married. This will be a good thread to bring up next time the usual clowns bang on about how backward the UK is compared to Australia where the state starts to merge people’s assets after a certain period of living together.

Bless you OP, you have an emotionally traumatic background. I am so sorry you have experienced all of that.

I do think a counsellor could help you unpick all of this and help you see that you haven’t done anything wrong here, other than try to build your dream little family on extremely dodgy foundations.

Ignore all the side shit about tattoos etc, the overall message here is that you have saddled yourself with a loser.

I hope a better future awaits you.

Well you see this is just it, we had discussed and agreed on all this stuff and then he reneged on it. Suddenly it was ‘I’ll do what I want.’ Even after we’d had all these discussions. I don’t even know what is going on anymore.

You do know what's going on, if you're honest with yourself. You're just choosing not to face it. You've agreed and discussed groundrules. He's broken them. He's chosen not to respect those rules and therefore he doesn't respect you or value the relationship.

You are now trying to enforce rules which you know he won't stick to. You're wasting your time. You can't control this.

You have two options at this point: either accept that he won't live within the boundaries you've established and stop complaining about it. Or leave. There is no middle ground.

OP another one saying this one is dead in the water. It sounds like an utterly exhausting way to have to live.
If someone has to literally avoid going out in order to control where their dick ends up, it's really not worth the angst.

Wouldn't being alone be better than that? Or ultimately with someone that you can wave off for a night out, knowing they'll come home without having felt the need to have sex with someone else?

You want an adult relationship with a decent person but you dont have a decent person so you are trying to make him who you want him to be by exerting a lot of control.

The relationship is unhealthy and a decent counsellor ought to make it clear to you both that this is a waste of time.

Cut your losses and move on.

I'm going to throw out there that you can be as controlling as you like but he still chose to tell you he cheated to make sure you knew he was capable of it and to make you panic and try to hold on to him. He could have gotten away with it so why didnt he? Now he gets to see friends when he wants, live with mum and dad, and duck childcare responsibilities. What a prince.

she’s our daughter, she can’t go on holiday with me as it’s an adventure trip and complete unsuitable (not to mention dangerous) for a child. He cannot take her as he can’t do nights currently due to is medication, he doesn’t have childcare for when he’s at work and, frankly, I don’t think he wants to.
he could however take a few days leave to go stay with her at my sisters.

I'd get rid now. What's the point in being with him? You can't trust him, he's not an equal partner when it comes to raising a child.
Split, and see if you can have a half decent relationship with him as a co-parent before he really f's things up with more affairs.

I wouldn't trust him to go to the wedding either - the trust is the issue here

Thank you for your well thought out post.
I guess I posted because I was looking for….commiseration? The validation that i am in fact not unreasonable.

You are right though, it is incredibly hard to let go of the romantic ideal, and weirdly, I would find it easier to do so if I never had to see him again.

I feel very trapped, I will have to see him and indirectly hear about his many gfs and then the very likely fact of him marrying and having other children. Likely after massive self improvement. Basically I’ll get to see what I couldn’t have quite regularly. It’s seems awfully unfair. But yes you are right.

TBF after reading all these replies I have ceased trying to contact him, so it has had some impact.

I was devastated when my husband left. It took a while but eventually I realised that if I had known how much better my life would be without him I would honestly gave helped him pack. You will be okay. You will not be okay if you stay with him

We’re actually very compatible in very many ways. We’re both thrill seekers, and incredibly adventurous.
I’m happy for him to have his freedom in pretty much every way but sleeping with other people. I don’t dislike the things he likes and values at all, I’ve actually been a massive encouragement in several of his extreme sports and many other areas as well. I’ve always been open and willing to hear him.

Apart from the couple of arguments we’ve had about the bike and the one while he was overseas we never really argue much at all.

Its really funny but we haven’t actually argued about the wedding, I have been thinking about it and felt he shouldn’t go but I certainly haven’t said that to him nor have we argued about it. I was just trying to see if I was being unreasonable. And from the replies here it appears I was. So that’s done. I won’t be asking him not to go. In fact I won’t be asking anything. From this point forward if he wants to mend things he can put forth the effort. I’m done.

oh and fun fact he called me today to discuss the possibility of becoming a crab fisherman. In a different country. With no experience. I just told him that I really didn’t have any say and he can do what he likes.

I voted YABU because:

1. YABVU to put up with this piece of shit a minute longer
2. It is unreasonable to ban a partner from going to a wedding without you. If you don't trust him, then you don't trust him and the relationship is dead.
3. It is unreasonable to ban a partner from having a tattoo. Yes it's totally ridiculous of him to have it done in a country where hygiene standards are not as good - but in the end it's his decision. However, you wouldn't be unreasonable to insist on an HIV test before sleeping with him if you are concerned about that.

However, you say
I told him he’s prioritising his wants over his own child and fiancé. That before making big permanent decisions he should at least consider and consult his family
He does not care about you and his child. He has shown that he does not care by going out and shagging some woman from a club.
He is a cheat and he has shown that he can not be trusted.
Once the trust has gone, it has gone and it will never be the same again. Banning him from going to a wedding or other events, even if it's just for a few weeks until you begin to trust him again (which you won't by the way) will not solve anything. It will just cause more resentment on his part and he will up and leave at some point anyway.
He is a piece of shit but you cannot control his movements to stop him cheating, nor can you say what he is and isn't allowed to do to his body. The motorbike thing - again, if he has enough of his own money to purchase it, you can't complain about that either - if he was using family money or it meant he couldn't contribute to rent and bills that month, then yes, totally out of order.

I just think he sounds like he doesn't want to be with you and your child any more, he's a shit father and you would be better off, and feel happy without the cheating scumbag in your life.