To not want partner to go to wedding without me?

[forfarhill]

Okay so obviously this is more complicated than just the title, so let me try and explain
without writing a novel!

I am engaged to my partner and we have a 14 month old. We’re currently having a very rough patch that I’m not sure our relationship will survive, but we both want to try and work it out.

The rough patch started after my partner decided he was going to buy a motorbike (one of my big deal breakers, he already does extreme sport and he had to borrow money for the bike), we argued over it a bit, then he decided to get a tattoo in a developing country whilst on holidays at a family wedding despite me asking him not. I couldn’t attend the wedding as it was not child friendly, but I encouraged him to go.

After he informed me he’d gone ahead and got the tattoo we had a massive argument, this is while he’s still overseas. I told him he’s prioritising his wants over his own child and fiancé. That before making big permanent decisions he should at least consider and consult his family. I should also point out the I have an OS trip planned that’s been 6 years in the making, that he was meant to be coming on, instead he took his holiday leave to visit his mates, and instead of delaying the bike purchase so he could afford to go he chose to get the bike.

So we argued and then agreed to talk when he got home. He went to the wedding and then out clubbing with his mates.

He texted as usual for the rest of his trip. When he got home I could tell something was off, he came out with that he needs ‘space to consider if he can ever be happy in this relationship.’ And that he wants his freedom. This is all out of left field for me, sure we argued but it wasn’t this serious.

About three days later he confesses he screwed some random girl from
the club because he ‘thought we were done’. Which is bullshit. We’ve been together 8 years, I never would’ve ended it over text and he knew that and even agreed to discuss it when he got home.

So he’s now living at his parents while we organise couples therapy and see if we can unf**k this mess he’s made.

In the meantime he’s been invited to a friends wedding, he’s only known this person around 9 months, and this wedding is while I will be away OS. I’ve told him I think it’s super inappropriate for him to attended without me, given the current circumstances and the fact I currently don’t trust him. He thinks I should not be worried and it’ll be fine as he only cheated because ‘he thought we were over’ but I think he obviously can’t be around girls and drink without there being a risk. Besides this is all very fresh, of course I’m not going to trust him!! I feel if he wants to work things out then he needs to prioritise me and what I need currently to be comfortable.

WIBU if I told him this is a nonnegotiable boundary for me and he’s not to go?

You’re a doormat OP and this relationship is doomed. I’d get out now.

I don't think there is any saving this and I would cut my losses and leave.

He can't never go anywhere without you being hes 'at risk being around women'. That is not a relationship. Absolutely it's his own making but it's not sustainable for either of you.

You don't trust him (and that's his fault) therefore its dead imo.

I’m honestly exhausted. I will certainly strongly consider what you’ve said.

You've reached the point of no return.

He can't be trusted not to misbehave and you shouldn't be in a position telling him he can't go out to a function on his own.

I expect he now feels boxed in and that will lead to him wanting to rebel.

I think you should both accept it's not going to work and what is the best way to live forward for your child amicably without accusations of who did what etc.

Please OP for goodness sake. Stop trying to find answers and solutions and set out step by step plans to save this fairytale you’ve constructed.

He has told you loud and clear he doesn’t want what you do. Sorry, that must hurt you. But why aren’t you listening? He has had sex with someone else whilst you were pregnant. Is that really the relationship you deserve? Of course it bloody isn’t.

He has already left you emotionally. Take control, get rid and move forward with you and your baby.

If you continue with this relationship you are only storing up trouble for the future. Either end it now or end it when your child is around to witness it all.

By that reasoning it shouldn’t matter if it’s on your face. A body modification is a body modification right?
I didn’t realise that most people don’t even discuss things like tattoos and the like with their partners.

I also didn’t realise that when you’re in a relationship you actually don’t have any say in the other persons life. Like where they go or what they spend your money on.

Ironically he can now control where I get to live and gets to have a say in my life until our child is 18.

Hi op the way I see it is that you have partly enabled him. Living like a single man but getting all the benefits. Now you’ve had a baby the big baby (your partner) doesn’t like it - he said he wants to end it - he doesn’t like or want the responsibility of a child. He’s feeling left out so maybe felt entitled to sleep with someone else.
You sound like you are doing ALL the work.
He works part time? WHY? Is he disabled - he can go out twice a week, follow his hobbies and travel abroad!!! Wow. Does he contribute financially?
He’s a cock lodger? Try therapy if you must but I hold out little hope.
Hes useless actually. Can’t even look after his own child - unbelievable.

Personally, in a monogamous relationship (where you haven't both agreed to poly), not shagging someone else IS the boundary. He has disregarded that and now you get to decide whether that's ok by you...or not. Whether he goes to the next wedding seems like a bit of a non issue compared to this.

The tattoo - his body, his choice.
The bike - out of order to make big purchases/cause financial strain to the whole family for his own pleasure.

As far as your child goes: they will learn what they 'deserve' in a relationship based on how you allow yourself to be treated. If your daughter was in a relationship like this, would you be thrilled for her that she's met her 'prince charming '? Or, if your son was treating a partner and their child the way your partner treats you, would you be proud of him?

Therapy may be helpful but you will both have to face up to a lot and both be prepared to do the work. His behavior so far doesn't suggest that he'll be prepared to do what's necessary.

Hi OP, so sorry for the situation you are in, my heart goes out to you.

I think you have had a hard time on this thread honestly - you are not unreasonable about the tattoo or the bike, certainly not in wanting him to accept your request about building trust back by not attending this wedding...

But your real problem is none of those things. It's that somewhere along the road in his recovery from the devastating depression, he has internalised some profound selfishness - "I have to take care of myself and my MH, so what I want/what feels good to me IS ALL THAT MATTERS."

Then, even though he proposed and planned your child with you, it was always a given to him that what he wanted/needed would be the priority over you and over his daughter.

In trying to support him, you've enabled this. You sound massively generous and supportive but somewhere, something got twisted and you've enabled a selfish man-baby who can't understand that relationships take compromise. That sometimes you out your partner or child's wants/needs ahead of your own.

This is fruitful discussions for therapy and may well assist in co-parenting. But as PP's have said, he has to WANT to change... It seems like he doesn't want that. So for your child's sake, in your shoes, I'd be mentally preparing for a platonic co-parenting relationship with him, not throwing more of your love, time and energy at this black hole of a person.

Wish you all the best

Whoa-rest of his life? Are you joking. Maybe a year would be nice. Christ. I never said forever he will be beholden to tell me everything and let me AirTag him.

I'm not suggesting that his depression isn't real but you've been more his therapist than his GF Op, you've put all your effort into making him feel better and let him do as he liked, even now you're still focussed on him. You've done all the work but now your relationship is all wrong, he wants to be free and out taking risks while you stay home making the money, looking after your DC and put a roof over his head, it's all give on your side and all take on his.
He wants you to go to therapy together but he won't change Op, it won't make him be a better Father or stop him putting himself first. For the sake of you and your baby it's time to stop worrying about him and put yourself first

I feel if he does this one thing then we can gradually rebuild trust, I don’t intend to try and stop him seeing his friends but I will be expecting him to drink in moderation and keep in contact. Also mostly he will be local, this is an interstate wedding (so hotels) and it’s happening whilst I’m not even in the same time zone.

If it’s all based on a form of control/ultimatums, which is what the drinking in moderation/keeping in touch is, then it’s immediately dead in the water. Don’t prolong it under the banner of ‘rebuild trust’ bullshit.

I’m in no way a fan of your partner as his behaviour has been appalling, and he sounds like a prize dick but you do sound like you want partners to exhibit an unhealthy amount of control over each other. You shouldn’t need to discuss body modifications with a partner and get their blessing. If I have a desire to go have my tongue split, have fake horns inserted and tattoo my face, you should not be in any way obligated to consult with your partner. It’s your body, you do what you want to your own body. The outcome is that your partner may no longer be attracted to you, and if that’s the case, that’s okay they have the choice to leave. It shouldn’t be a case of people being restricted for fear their partner won’t be attracted to them! Worse case is partner leaves, and if you want another then find someone who is attracted to how you want your body.

The motorcycle piece is also odd. I’d take issue because he spent money the family could not afford on it. Your main issue however, seems to be one of control, in that he may have an accident or die. My DH wanted a bike when our kids were young, we could afford it so I said fine, but if we get a call from school that a kid needs to go home sick being on a bike won’t get you out of it. It won’t get you out of doing your share of drop offs/pick ups and I won’t be lending my car and being without it. He would need to get a cab pronto to pick up kid and then worry about getting back to bike to pick it up under his own steam, I wouldn’t add this to my plate running around to facilitate. He decided not to get the bike😁. I couldn’t tell him he couldn’t get a bike for fear of injury or death though, that’s a risk that’s a personal decision for him, not for me to control.

I think the tattoo thing for me is a bit on the fence. I wouldn't expect to get the final say over whether my partner could get a tattoo or not but if I hated what he was planning I'd certainly say something. In the same way if I wanted to have a skull tattooed on my cheek or die my hair green I wouldn't expect my husband to insist that I cannot, but I'd expect him to have something to say about it and I couldn't very well then be affronted if he wasn't attracted to that.

Because he recognises you as a meal ticket and wanted to trap you.

Im sorry to be blunt there and I know it’s hard but that is the cold hard truth of it. So many men do this. They get a woman pregnant who they know will take on the brunt of the responsibility and then behave as if they’re single. They get all the benefits of a committed relationship and none of the drawbacks.

Lovey, you want a relationship, not a project. Women are not rehabilitation centres for needy, lazy men.

He talked a good game, but actions speak louder than words.

Strike one - he can't effectively parent his own child.

Strike two - he gets a tatt in a country where it's a health risk (I have tatts, I wouldn't have an issue with H doing what he wants to his body, but I would be angry if he took health risks).

Strike three - he fucked someone else and then made up the world's shittest excuse for why he ended up dick-first in her.

Save your valuable time and invest it on people who deserve it and appreciate it. This guy is not family material. Model boundaries for your daughter - that it's important to know your worth and refuse to put up with being treated poorly.

Yeah basically, and he was still sometimes short on cash.

OS is overseas.

I’m thinking you’re right with the coparenting. He can’t just walk back in.

I also didn’t realise that when you’re in a relationship you actually don’t have any say in the other persons life. Like where they go or what they spend your money on

Joint money is a bit different but no I don't think you get a say on where someone goes or what they do to their body regardless of whether you're in a relationship with them or not. An opinion I guess is the word, on how it would make you feel definitely, but not a say in whether they are allowed to do it or not.

Sounds like he doesn't want a relationship with you. Just let him go.

I also didn’t realise that when you’re in a relationship you actually don’t have any say in the other persons life. Like where they go or what they spend your money on.

But the point is that in a respectful relationship you don't need to have any say in this because you trust the other person not to cross your boundaries. You agree groundrules and dealbreakers (such as not cheating or drinking heavily as a matter of routine), stick to them and then let the other person crack on unless and until they break a rule.

I would never dream of telling my DP he couldn't go to a wedding or get a tattoo. But by the same token I'm as sure as I can be (and you can't ever be 100% sure) that he won't cheat on me or go on benders. In a respectful relationship you don't to police this sort of thing.

If you get to the point of having to veto things your partner does it's already dead in the water.

He had sex with some random women at a club.

why are you bothering with this Pathetic loser??

I honestly think once the need to keep tabs on someone (even for a year) starts then it's dead. It's not reasonable, imo, to tell him he can't or isn't allowed do X Y and Z. Your say in the matter is whether you leave or stay.

I agree re that the last thing you should do upon breaking up is starting looking for someone to fuck. Given his rationale I should be on tinder right now.

Thanks for taking the time to reply. Blunt or not.

Relationships should be easy and loving for the majority of the time. You and your spouse should act as a team, especially once there are children. You don't have any of that . I was you 26 years ago. My husband prioritised motorbikes and drinking with his friends and weekends away on the boat one of them owned.He slept with other women. I tried to make the relationship work because I was brought up that once you are married you stay married ( and realistically I had nowhere to go). We had a 3 year old and a 2 year old when he eventually left with a 17 year old colleague from work. I turned myself inside out trying to make him love me and our family. He didn't. Your fiance doesn't love you. It is far easier to get out when you aren't married and you have only 1 child. I felt a failure for a llong time. Then I met my second husband and realised what a waste of time it had been to try to force the first marriage to work. You should never be with someone you can stand to live with. You should always be with someone you don't want to live without. You may feel he is that for you. He doesn't feel the same at all.

OP, you’re not seeing the wood for the trees.

You think him not going to the wedding is a sign he will change but he won’t. You will keep looking for the next sign and in the meantime you waste more years on him.

He has said he wants to leave. Don’t let that panic you into holding on to him. Let him go.

And whatever you do, do not bloody marry this loser.