To not want partner to go to wedding without me?

[forfarhill]

Okay so obviously this is more complicated than just the title, so let me try and explain
without writing a novel!

I am engaged to my partner and we have a 14 month old. We’re currently having a very rough patch that I’m not sure our relationship will survive, but we both want to try and work it out.

The rough patch started after my partner decided he was going to buy a motorbike (one of my big deal breakers, he already does extreme sport and he had to borrow money for the bike), we argued over it a bit, then he decided to get a tattoo in a developing country whilst on holidays at a family wedding despite me asking him not. I couldn’t attend the wedding as it was not child friendly, but I encouraged him to go.

After he informed me he’d gone ahead and got the tattoo we had a massive argument, this is while he’s still overseas. I told him he’s prioritising his wants over his own child and fiancé. That before making big permanent decisions he should at least consider and consult his family. I should also point out the I have an OS trip planned that’s been 6 years in the making, that he was meant to be coming on, instead he took his holiday leave to visit his mates, and instead of delaying the bike purchase so he could afford to go he chose to get the bike.

So we argued and then agreed to talk when he got home. He went to the wedding and then out clubbing with his mates.

He texted as usual for the rest of his trip. When he got home I could tell something was off, he came out with that he needs ‘space to consider if he can ever be happy in this relationship.’ And that he wants his freedom. This is all out of left field for me, sure we argued but it wasn’t this serious.

About three days later he confesses he screwed some random girl from
the club because he ‘thought we were done’. Which is bullshit. We’ve been together 8 years, I never would’ve ended it over text and he knew that and even agreed to discuss it when he got home.

So he’s now living at his parents while we organise couples therapy and see if we can unf**k this mess he’s made.

In the meantime he’s been invited to a friends wedding, he’s only known this person around 9 months, and this wedding is while I will be away OS. I’ve told him I think it’s super inappropriate for him to attended without me, given the current circumstances and the fact I currently don’t trust him. He thinks I should not be worried and it’ll be fine as he only cheated because ‘he thought we were over’ but I think he obviously can’t be around girls and drink without there being a risk. Besides this is all very fresh, of course I’m not going to trust him!! I feel if he wants to work things out then he needs to prioritise me and what I need currently to be comfortable.

WIBU if I told him this is a nonnegotiable boundary for me and he’s not to go?

One and only as in my only boyfriend. First everything for me. He’s had many gfs before me.

You made his life very easy. No real responsibilities. He doesn't need to pay rent or bills, he doesn't need to parent his child, he doesn't need to be a good partner, he doesn't even have to work full time.

I can understand why you are afraid to let go, you are probably still hoping he will all of a sudden choose you and your DC, but he is not showing you any indications that he wants that. As harsh as it sounds, he is probably staying with you because he has it easy.

It doesn't sound like you are ready to accept it though, so I think you should still go ahead with the counseling and maybe it will at least bring some closure.

I think it's pointless asking him not to attend the wedding, he will do as he pleases and if he wants to cheat on you again, he will do it whether he is away or not. He is not showing you even a basic decency by trying to gain your trust back. Again - as harsh as it sounds - I think you made his life too easy and he is going to wait until you end it. He has nothing to lose.

How old are you both OP?

Threads like this are like saying you're worried about the leaking kitchen tap whilst the house is on fire.

OP, you need to end it.
You are clinging on out because of this ideal you have in your head, and it's already broken - it isn't fixable.
You will spend years of your life trying to fix it and be in exactly the same situation later down the line, but with less money and less time on your hands - you'll look back and wish you'd just walked away now.

No one is saying any of that.

What we are saying is that no person can control or change another person. In an ideal world, any permanent body modifications would be a discussion between partners. However, he’s shown repeatedly that he’s going to do whatever he wants regardless of what you think or need.

He wants the benefits of a committed relationship and none of the drawbacks. He can continue to live like he’s single and still have you at home, funding it all.

He’s got it good with you. He can work part time, have all the nights out he wants, all the hobbies he wants and barely contribute a thing. His parents are backing you because they know many other women would cut and run long before now.

I think you’re scared of letting this relationship go because of how much time you’ve invested already, and what the future will hold. Someone told me something once when I was in a similar spot- don’t throw good money away with bad money.

He’s shown what he is and now that you know- any further investment in him is a wasted investment. Put that investment to better use- work on yourself and focus on your beautiful daughter. Be the woman you’d want her to be.

@standardduck is right.

You need to get to a place where you are able to face up to the fact that your relationship is over and stop worrying about trying to control marginal and irrelevant things like whether or not he goes to a wedding.

I would focus on counselling, whether it's with him or on your own. Your priority is to leave the relationship and support yourself as you do that. Everything else is window dressing.

Stop trying to fight pointless fires and control things you can't control. Look after yourself, try to get clarity on what you need to do and boost your own self-esteem to the point where you can see why this relationship is so damaging.

Your daughter also deserves better - think about it this way, if your daughter were in exactly the same position as you are now, what would you think she should do? And be brutally honest with yourself here, totally remove yourself from the scenario and look at it objectively.
Don't teach your daughter that it's okay to stay with a guy who prioritises friends, holiday and clubbing over his young family.

So is his daughter not your daughter and therefore not going on holiday with you?

He's mugging you off completely. He's got you tied in with a baby, funding everything, providing free housing (which I bet you're keep clean and comfortable within minimal input from him).

He's a fucking cocklodger. Except he's now taking his cock elsewhere and expecting you to tie yourself in knots to 'keep the family together'. He's exploiting your emotional tie to him being your first.

Why are you allowing him to cheat on you?
Why don't you have more self belief.

Tbh if you forgive this time, you can promise yourself there'll be more opportunities to forgive him again..

He's not having a difficult time adjusting to being a father he's still behaving like a single school leaver....why did you see him as even a good boyfriend let alone a dad ...your his party fund financing his party lifestyle

If I made a questionable choice I would certainly accept taking actions to help
my partner be comfortable-not forever obviously but certainty for a bit.

@forfarhill as kindly as possible, why did you post on Mumsnet, because even though nearly everyone has pointed out that he isn't going to change, and that he does not respect you, and sadly he doesn't love you either, you just keep on giving the same response? Please do not take his lack of caring about you, personally, I don't think that at this stage in his life he would, or even could love anyone other than himself. This is not about you or your baby, it is not your fault OP.

You have actually probably been far too reasonable and accommodating with him (so if there has been any fault on your side then there it is). I think that in the last decade or so, young people (and increasingly, more people of my generation - in our 60s) have had all these accusations flying about, calling people 'narcissistic', 'controlling, accusing them of not treating their partners as individuals, who even though they agreed to be in a partnership with the other partner, and even though they may have agreed to have a baby with their partner, they must still be treated as a completely seperate person - to me, on this occassion at least, a completely seperate entity, fills the description far more accurately.

Actually, scrap my last thought please, as having thought about it for another 0.5% of a second, the term/description that fits your 'fiancé' to a T is 'nonentity', to me, your 'partner' is a prime example of a nonentity. I am also questioning myself for having referred to the father of your child as your 'partner', I think I will just Google that term...

Ok, I Googled it, and my own understanding of the word "partner" in a romantic, or at least sexual way, is actually wrong. The term "partner" in that type of situation does appear to just mean someone you share an intimate (sexual) relationship with. Whereas to me, being in an intimate partnersip with someone is about so much more than just having sex with another person. It is about sharing common goals and beliefs when it comes to the "big" things in a relationship, and under my constraints, what you have with the father of your child comes no-where near to being a "partnership". So the point I think I am trying (very badly) to make, is that I think that you have been trying far too hard to be a caring and reasonable partner, when he hasn't been trying at all!

When I was young - and I got married to my first husband at a very young age - the books I had read, the films I had watched, the poetry we had to study at school, led to a very naive, and immature me wanting to be "in love" and to desperately wanting to be "loved". I am afraid @forfarhill that your thread here very much leads to me thinking that you also want and need the accomplished ideal of the 'romantic partnership', one that is so much more than the sharing of sex with our "significant others". I still have enough hope (and naivety?) that for the majority of relationships, that sort of relationship can/does (still?) exist.

But please realise OP that that is very sadly not what you have with the father of your baby, and by all that you have said, that isn't going to change under any of the current scenarios, so please, please, please OP, don't give him anymore chances. Even if he did "pass" this ultimatum, he will cannot change his inner character, as to do so would need an incredible amount of desire (from him) to succeed, and also the stamina, resolve and patience for such a change to take place, which could easily take several years, if it could happen at all. You are worth so much more than that OP, and if you still don't believe me, or anyone else about that, at least believe it for your very dear child. In your case, both you and your dear child will be much better off if he doesn't ever live with you again, and if you can help manage your child's expectations of him - without denigrating him - that would be even better.

Please believe me OP when I say that I know how difficult and scary it is to walk away from what might (but is highly unlikely to) be one's only chance of living in a traditional and happy real life partnership. If the romantic and loving partnership with another person doesn't happen - for whatever reason - I still truly believe that both your, and your wonderful child's lives, will be so much better long-term without your child's selfish father living with you. 🧡

Yes because you’re a decent, committed partner who would want to fix the relationship.

He isn’t and you can’t, for all the will in the world, force him to be. You can only respond accordingly to what he is showing you.

And he's not so?

And I do think even if he did once the trust has gone there would always be something that would cause you worry, something you didn't want him to do, some reason or another you think he's at risk again. It's not your fault but that is what cheating does. You don't trust him end of and no amount of limiting his interactions with other women will make you trust him again.

I don’t no, I was heavily and horribly bullied and I had a very traumatic experience where I watch both my sister and father die in accidents on front of me. My family, what’s left of it, is very solid and supportive. I thought that’s what I was building. Im
very close with my partners family, and they’re heavily involved with DC.

I guess there just is something wrong with me.

He doesn't sound like a keeper to me. He's far too selfish.

But I’m not trying to police him? Or control him?
I’m simply asking him to consider me. That’s it.

@forfarhill

I guess there just is something wrong with me.

There is nothing wrong with you. The problem is him. You deserve much, much better. The only question is why you can't see this yourself.

I'm very sorry to hear you've had such a difficult life. I'm sure this has coloured your approach to this.

But as kindly as possible, your insistence on trying to "fix" this useless piece of shit of a man is dragging and your child down.

The only thing "wrong" with you is that you are focusing on the wrong things. Stop worrying about him and put yourself first.

@forfarhill

But I’m not trying to police him? Or control him?
I’m simply asking him to consider me. That’s it.

Trying to stop him going to a wedding is controlling. In a good relationship you don't need to do any of this tuff. It's a complete waste of your energy.

He won't consider you, that ship sailed a long time ago. Stop trying to make him do things he's either unprepared or unwilling to do. Put yourself and your child first.

Why are you wasting your youth over this wanker? He is selfish beyond measure, has no respect for you or your child, spends (I take it as joint) money on what he wants, has potentially put you at risk of HIV or hepatitis. You deserve better - free yourself now before it’s too late ❤️

Late twenties. He very much old enough to know better. His mother panders to the mental health thing a lot. I’ve tried to be reasonable but fair.

I’m not a quitter and very rarely can I not work hard enough to get something done, but I think this has defeated me.

But I’m not trying to police him? Or control him?
I’m simply asking him to consider me. That’s it

But you are. And that's not to say I don't understand why, just that it won't work. You can't rebuild trust by keeping him away from what you consider a risk. That isn't trust, that's just trying to keep him away from temptation and it won't work.

You need to stop thinking of this man as the one and only. He is highly unsuited to you in pretty much every way. Leaving aside the cheating for a moment, you clearly want to live in very different ways and you dislike the things he wants and values. It seems to me you've committed yourself to the man you'd like to be with rather than the one he actually is. Arguing about weddings is a tiny symptom of a far bigger picture. Even if he agrees not to go, you're still left with a man who wants freedom over commitment, makes decisions you disagree with and cheats on you. How can that ever work for you?