To feel a bit annoyed that this woman tried to tell me my own nationality?

[threelegdonkey]

I'm not sure of the correct phrasing so apologies if I've gotten it wrong!

Basically, I was not born in the UK but have lived here most of my life as my parents moved here when I was very young. I do look and sound typically British.

Met a client at work today, recognised her accent as being from my 'home country' and started chatting to her about where we were both from. She said I didn't have much of an accent and I said I'd lived in the UK for X amount of years and she very obviously scoffed at me, rolled her eyes and said 'Oh, well you aren't really [insert country] then are you. You're British'.

Aibu to be a bit offended by her dismissiveness? Not that being British is a bad thing at all it's just that despite the fact I grew up here I don't consider myself to be particularly British. I had no British family members around me growing up so most of the culture, art, food, music, customs etc I was surrounded by at home were from my home country. I was badly bullied as a child because of the fact I was 'different', because I wasn't born here. So it did feel very hurtful to have my whole life experience completely dismissed by this person just because I've developed a British accent.

Aibu? Was she rude and insensitive or am I being over sensitive?

That last not a link, was probably hoping to italicise.

If you tell the ‘where are you REALLY FROM’ type “nowhere” it either really puzzles them or makes them more persistent.

This is a totally understandable emotional response from you given your experience of childhood school bullying, added to which there were no doubt some difficulties in your home life as a result of being 'different' and the demands/conflicts of assimilation, whether you were conscious of that at the time or not. People don't get it if they've not lived it and most people have not lived your situation. It could be really interesting for you to do a few sessions with a qualified therapist on this issue. We carry that kind of luggage (childhood bullying) around with us throughout our lives and it's only when someone makes a throwaway comment that really stings that we are aware of it. Once you've lightened the load, you won't care about that kind of comment if it's clearly from someone who is not intentionally trying to injure you. You'll know whether it's worth your time expanding/explaining your perspective or whether to simply bat their dismissiveness straight back to them.

OP - it is the arrogance of others who seek to tell you are what they want to think you are.
I look white have a British accent but actually had a mixed race mother who spoke 3 languages, a white caucasian father who spoke 3 languages. I was born in a different country to both of them, spent my child hood till 17 in another country, moved around the world but am now settled in GB.

The arrogance of people who tell me I sound British / am white - there fore am British annoys me but I pity them now rather than get angry. I usually start talking in one of the languages of my childhood which flummoxes them. I now just respond with - of course you know my nationality better than I do and leave them to it - patronising morons. the Aussies were the worst - I had to be a bloody POM, until they saw my mother then I was a bloody Lebo!

Pity them in their small minded world rather than get angry - their prejudiced mindsets are not worth your time

Thats part of being mixed race, or being in between in some way. You never quite fit and people always try to place you, on both sides. I try to ignore it now.

Look up 'third culture'.

But there is a difference between growing up in a country and experiencing day to day life, challenges there versus you growing up in a second country but claiming to be a national of 1st because you get to experience some of its customs. I grew up in my home country, the kind of struggles I had there, most people of that ethnicity growing abroad have such rose tinted view of the country because they got to be guests there for few weeks every year, knowing the food and festival but not knowing real dynamics of the complexities of the every day lives, society, how people within societies act, what are the struggles people have between different regions or group of people. They just know a few festivals and eat the same food I do but they know nothing about what it is like to live there. I was bullied in my school in my home country too, but that does not make it my choise to decide it is not my country. Whereas dh did not grow up in home country and despite school bullying, and having a good connection to country of his parents and lovely memories, he knows his nationality is where he grew up, going to school and college there, having friends, playing local sports, enjoying their music.

Your nationality is usually your passport, the country you grew up in, not the country your parents grew up in. And why only this group of people get to not want to associate themselves with the country they live in because of the bad experiences. There are so many people who had bad experience in country of their origin and never lived abroad, but they cant get to say thats not their nationality.

They identify themselves but does the country in question also agree they have the same rights as the citizens of the country?

Which country is your home country?

You are what's known as a "Third Culture Kid". Them not quite fitting in anywhere is well-documented.

Nationality is where you've made your home.

Home country, and ethnic roots can't always be precisely defined, so it's polite to let the person concerned decide that.

It's pretty rude to bring it up with a stranger.

👏👏👏👏

She was rude.

Idiot. Are you aware of your staggering ignorance?

This

Barack Obama wrote about this issue really well in his book, Dreams of my Father. He was born to a white American mother with an absent black Kenyan father. He was brought up by his white grandparents in Hawaii. He called himself Barry and identified with his white family. It wasn't until he met Michelle that he started to see himself as black and to research his black heritage.

Nice mix! And absolutely get what you mean by ceased to care.

I have 3 in this. 2 by blood (one is very much "no, you do not belong mate") and 1 by moving.
I have spent basicly same amount of my life in UK as in my native country by now but I have an accent in English so it gets questioned and now slight one in my native too! It's also the small things like food and clothes which don't fit anywhere neatly.
Hilariously, I am british now, I have paper and million jokes from my friends and family to prove it yet I am not accepted into Brit groups on facebook😂
I've been in uk close to 20 years, half my life, as said can't get rid of the bloody accent (nor did Arnie and look how far he got so it shouldn't be that bad)so when I say on holidays I am from UK... The faces😂 Same with Brits. So then I have to verbally draw a diagram of my life. I don't know at which point one can claim the country but one would think that being close to 2 decades and even working for the gov would mean something. Nope.

Citozens of everywhere and nowhere.
I am glad I decided not to have kids because the little one would be fucked considering my husband's heritages on top🙈

I’m surprised at everyone saying they think the OP is Irish. My grandmother was Irish but spent all her adult life in England. She would go back for a long holiday every summer with my dad and his siblings and as children we also had our Summer holidays there. I remember multiple conversations in which my Dad’s cousins would as when he was next home or make reference to him being Irish, despite him never having lived there and being very definitely a Yorkshireman. Recently my husband was working in Ireland and met someone who had just been on holiday (in Ireland) to the place where my grandmother grew up. My husband mentioned it (but pointed out that my father and I had never lived in Ireland and didn’t claim to be Irish) yet still I have been referred to his “Irish wife” ever since.

I would consider my husband to be pretentious if he said he was from his families country. He’s lived here, with a couple of stints abroad since he was a baby. Speaks English, went through the English school system and university, looks and dresses in a very English way. When we visit his family people are surprised that he has family there. How people identify is complex but I think you’re stung as it came from someone you thought you had kinship with. If an English person had said you’re not really English you’d be upset too for different reasons. Your identity is yours, you don’t need other people to cheerlead it.

identified with his white family...
see himself as black...

Interesting choice of identity words with different races.

As interesting as your post is, if it was the other way round, I'm sure it wouldn't be seen as a good thing. In fact, Michelle would've been seen to have policed his identity and told him who he should be instead...or influenced him that way at least.

This thread proves it.

If I could ban one word, it would be 'identify'. Seriously, no one cares. This random woman was a bit rude, sure, but does that actually have any impact on your life? No.

In the same way I don't get upset when people seem to assume I am Eastern Eurpean before I open my mouth (have the look apparently?) Just move on and ignore it. That woman won't be sitting worrying about you saying you are one nationality when you grew up somewhere else. Why waste the headspace?

The woman was very rude. It's nobody's place to correct someone when they say they are British/Indian/Spanish etc. You nod and smile. You don't try to 'reclassify' them as if you know better.

My husband was born in France and has lived in the UK for longer than he lived in France. But if anyone tried to tell him he wasn't French, he'd fall about laughing.

How frustrating for you. It seems you've suffered alot because you weren't 'British' enough when growing up and now you get rejected by a fellow countryman of your birth nation...!

That's your situation and I've no idea what that must feel like. But I think it would give you an understanding and empathy that can enrich your life.

I think your feelings about it on both sides are justified of course. You are between a rock and a hard place.

This will always irk you unless you decide to adopt an attitude where you get less hurt by it. Try to muster some aplomb with the fact that you have a birds eye view on this. And forget it, it's their ignorance and clumsiness. They well may not realise how hurt you were by it. Maybe you could have a little sentence ready to say with a smile when this happens again. A succinct reply that kindly says your stance on it and possibly makes people think on it. Xx

Yep but what about those of us who maybe sound British, were born in a different country and grew up in a third country. I am not British, I have no British passport and did not grow up here so don't have the kids TV anecdotes etc. I am not entitled to a passport here, nor am I entitled to a passport in the country I did grow up in. The only passport I have is the country of my birth which is where my parents are from. So I am decidedly multi cultural and actually I would not appreciate people labelling me British just because of my accent, for many reasons but also because it is factually incorrect!
I think it was extremely rude of this person to declare nationality of the poster, it's none of her business. Sure she can chat about the interesting upbringing or the different cultures influencing but it's literally no one's business what nationality a person is and certainly not something other people can declare opinions on!

you Aren’t being unreasonable however if she was British and tried to say you weren’t then I think you’d also find it offensive.

Interesting that people don't question whiteness this way. There's no are you fully white with 2 white parents or mixed race with white heritage when someone says they're white. White is white but Black needs clarification. I wonder why.

Also interesting that the mixed race guy can identify as white because "to be fair he is very light skinned". Will it be okay to police a mixed race guy who identifies as black the same way. I doubt most mixed race people who identify as Black are very dark-skinned, so it seems the other one is justifiable if he looks white enough but the opposite isn't the case. I wonder why.

I'm just pondering so this isn't exactly necessary for you to respond to.

I totally get you, OP.

I'm Asian, born in an EU country outside the UK, but have lived here since the 80s.

To "my people", I'm a banana, and they seem to look down on those who don't have the same experience as themselves of living in their country. Even my own mother, repeatedly tells me I have the worst Cantonese out of my siblings, despite having a GCSE grade A in it, and two of them dropped out of Chinese school well before they got to GCSE! That one is probably fie the stately home thread though!

Here, I mostly get "where are you REALLY from" even when I tell them in my very British accent, that I have grown up in the UK and have a British citizenship. But no, they want to have the opportunity to tell you that their cousin's wife's brother went to some obscure part of China once to teach English.

It used to annoy me, but you will always get the same sorts of comments to when discussing heritage and ethnicity.

In your case, she was definitely rude. As if being 100% from where she is from is superior.