To feel a bit annoyed that this woman tried to tell me my own nationality?

[threelegdonkey]

I'm not sure of the correct phrasing so apologies if I've gotten it wrong!

Basically, I was not born in the UK but have lived here most of my life as my parents moved here when I was very young. I do look and sound typically British.

Met a client at work today, recognised her accent as being from my 'home country' and started chatting to her about where we were both from. She said I didn't have much of an accent and I said I'd lived in the UK for X amount of years and she very obviously scoffed at me, rolled her eyes and said 'Oh, well you aren't really [insert country] then are you. You're British'.

Aibu to be a bit offended by her dismissiveness? Not that being British is a bad thing at all it's just that despite the fact I grew up here I don't consider myself to be particularly British. I had no British family members around me growing up so most of the culture, art, food, music, customs etc I was surrounded by at home were from my home country. I was badly bullied as a child because of the fact I was 'different', because I wasn't born here. So it did feel very hurtful to have my whole life experience completely dismissed by this person just because I've developed a British accent.

Aibu? Was she rude and insensitive or am I being over sensitive?

I think you are both being a little over sensitive.

You are right you were born in X country you share culture through your family.
She is right you don’t share the same experiences as those who grew up there. (School etc.)

I once heard someone who called himself “A Christmas Tree Indian”. He said that although he shared food, music, family traditions of his family he grew up in a different country with all of those traditions as well. In other words he was very happy to celebrate Diwali but he also wanted a Christmas tree like his school friends.

I thought it was a very elegant way to describe his situation.

I'd be pretty annoyed in your position. But I'm mixed white and Asian- in my home country I was always "the white girl" (specific derogatory phrase in my mum's language) and now I'm in the UK, I get "where are you from [clearly not around here]" so I'm used to it. It sucks, I fit nowhere.

Tbf I never get it in South London. I fit here. Come live here!

I think you’re reading too much into things frankly. You state you come across as British and grew up in the UK from a young age so to someone who grew up in your home country, you might come across as assimilated into British culture to an extent.

It’s not an insult. They’re not saying that you’re unconnected to your culture. I doubt they were calling into question which passport you have either.

Also she wasn’t to know that you had been bullied etc

She was rude to you. You have your nationality and therefore are a national of that country. Some people find it hard to understand that you can be living outside of the country of your nationality. This other person sounds small minded and probably hasn’t met many multinational people, in the sense of living in other countries. You represent your nationality well and how kind of you to have been so welcoming to this other person.

I can see why it's upsetting but really who cares what some random person thinks? Don't let it take up any more mind space.

Those of us with complicated 'where are you from' stories will always run into rude people, just ignore them. Your own feelings about it are what matter.

This is good advice, I should remember this more

I don’t think yabu.

Her attitude about it was unnecessary and uncalled for. Scoffing at you is rude and it doesn’t matter that she doesn’t know your background. It’s not for her to say how xyz you are when she doesn’t even know you or your experiences.

If you’ve lived here most of your life I would say you’re British even if you have significant influence from another culture. If you’ve grown up through the entire British education system around other British children, you’re British more than anything else.

She was rude and inappropriate and has no right to tell you where you are from.

That is absolutely not your call!

Haha I do like that phrase @saltinesandcoffeecups It works really well 😁

I fully appreciate that I didn't have nearly the same experience as someone who lived there until adulthood, I just felt like I didn't 'qualify' to call myself that nationality in her eyes. Some dual heritage people say that they feel that they don't 'fit' in either group and end up a bit rejected by both. I've felt like that pretty much my whole life so it did sting a bit.

@honeycookies that's exactly my point, who is she to tell me I'm not really from there? The nationality police? She knows nothing about me or my experiences.

You have a different opinion. That's fine.

I think you are being a bit oversensitive - everyone has an opinion, you can disregard it.

I just tell people that I am originally from X country but have lived in a lot of other places. What they do with that information is their business and doesn't change my feelings on the subject.

I know I shouldn't waste time thinking about it really. It just annoyed me so much.

Being mistaken for being 'wholly' British so to speak has been really awkward at times. Brexit was a nightmare, can't tell you how many times I had to hold my tongue when some random has started ranting about 'those bloody immigrants blah blah blah' thinking that I'd agree with them when they were essentially telling me that me and half my family should just piss off back where we came from. It was hard to listen to.

Completely with @Mummy08m on this.

you decide what you are, not others.

particularly patronising when you’re told that youre not part of that community because of your accent /not dark enough/ not light enough etc. you are being rejected.

my ds has this in fucking spades.

very identifiable surname from one country but doesn’t speak the language. But I speak that language (but not from that country).

I’ve got an Asian mum but don’t look Asian (why should I? I don’t look English either). Ds now understands more his granny’s language than he does his dad’s language. But doesn’t look it at all.

I’ve been ‘rejected’ on looks by both my ethnicities for decades. Gets mighty boring in your 50’s when someone tries to enlighten you to fact that you don’t look particularly Asian🙄🙄🙄🙄

I never comment on how people look to their backgrounds. Or sound. People are what their family and experiences are.

so I have no nationality/ethnicity loyalty at all- suits me.

YANBU and I bet the posters saying you are have not experienced it. It is totally meant as an insult- you’re not “Insert Race” enough because you grew up in Britain. I’ve had this before and I usually reply with something along the lines of “Yes, isn’t it lovely that even those of us that don’t live in X still continue the culture/language/traditions”. Knobs. Don’t worry about them, you know what you are.

She was extremely rude and insensitive and it wasn’t her place to tell you what you consider to be your nationality. I think you would have been within your rights to politely reply that there are different ways of belonging to a country and you are glad that some people are more inclusive than others in their perspective.

I sympathise op. I don’t live in my country of origin and tbh people like us never truly fit in anywhere. People also want to pigeon hole others in to strict prescriptive categories, so we don’t feel completely at home where we live and we no longer fit in back at home. It’s not always a comfortable position to be in and people play on that and try and exclude others to make themselves feel more secure sadly.

She's one of those weird gatekeepy people. Just ignore her. It's not up to her, or to anyone on this thread, to tell you where you come from or what you are. You were born where you were born, you live where you live, you have legal status where you have legal status and your cultural experience is likely to be a mixture of things.

I’m afraid I can have ‘a call’. It’s called having an opinion. The op asked for one. Feel free to disregard and jog on mate.

YANBU and I bet the posters saying you are have not experienced it.

^^ YY exactly this, in a nutshell!

I strongly disagree.

I grew up in an area with a lot of Pakistani kids, who considered themselves Pakistani even though most of them were born in the Uk. Because that was the culture they were surrounded by at home. Some went the other way and definitely saw themselves as British and were quite proud of that. Absolutely fine either way, it's their choice how they identify.

She was rude and offensive.

I'd have been offended too.

I too live in a different country to where I was born and sometimes feel like I don't belong in either countries which really saddens me, so I'd be very sensitive to a comment like this too.

You may not identify as being British but you’ve already illustrated yourself how others perceive you as British because you speak and are socialised as British. Therefore most people who met you would probably see and treat you as British even if that’s not the way you feel. It turns out that some school children are identifying as cats. It does not make it so. This is the blunt truth as your colleague saw it too.

Myself and my brother were born in London and our parents were both Londoners.
We moved North to a town in England near the Scottish Borders when I was 3 and he was 2.
He would still try to convince me he was a Londoner when he was 10/12 years old 😂😂 neither of us had full northern accents and sounded 'different' at school but when we visited family we were laughed at for speaking like northerners!

Mine is obviously lighthearted and not cultural like yours OP