To feel a bit annoyed that this woman tried to tell me my own nationality?

[threelegdonkey]

I'm not sure of the correct phrasing so apologies if I've gotten it wrong!

Basically, I was not born in the UK but have lived here most of my life as my parents moved here when I was very young. I do look and sound typically British.

Met a client at work today, recognised her accent as being from my 'home country' and started chatting to her about where we were both from. She said I didn't have much of an accent and I said I'd lived in the UK for X amount of years and she very obviously scoffed at me, rolled her eyes and said 'Oh, well you aren't really [insert country] then are you. You're British'.

Aibu to be a bit offended by her dismissiveness? Not that being British is a bad thing at all it's just that despite the fact I grew up here I don't consider myself to be particularly British. I had no British family members around me growing up so most of the culture, art, food, music, customs etc I was surrounded by at home were from my home country. I was badly bullied as a child because of the fact I was 'different', because I wasn't born here. So it did feel very hurtful to have my whole life experience completely dismissed by this person just because I've developed a British accent.

Aibu? Was she rude and insensitive or am I being over sensitive?

I was thinking of Irish too. My sister is Irish nationality, born there to an Irish father and British mother at the time did not convey British citizenship. Sic months after birth they moved to the UK, 50+ years ago now. I think if my sister met an Irish person and tried to chat about their shared home country she might come across as a bit odd.

I think you are being over sensitive. She thought she had bumped in to someone who has a shared experience of your birth country and was disappointed that you hadn't lived there since you were a preschooler. And so that changes the conversation that you may have had otherwise. I wouldn't worry about it.

You are both and neither.
It's very annoying and sometimes confusing state for immigrants. Sometimes even second gen has this crisis of who they are.
Not British enough in many Brit's eyes, not native enough to many people in country of origin.

Yes, exactly this.

It's the downside of generations moving around, i can give you a scenario that will blow your mind!

My friends for the past ten years or so move frequently for work, since marrying they have lived in easily 10 countries. They own a place in UK and one in Germany. They plan to return to the UK one day

My friend is German, married to an English guy at present they live in Spain, they have 4 children. One child was born in Belgium, one in Switzerland, one Italy and their youngest in Spain their ages range from 10 to 1. What nationality are their 4 children?

They laugh about it and identify as Europeans 🇪🇺

Nationality (and race) are complex.

Theres "legal" nationality... so pretty much what your passport says.
Theres "cultural" nationality... your influences growing up
Theres "where you are from" I.e. your home town/country growing up (not necessarily where you were born.)
And where you were born
And all that adds up to how you feel.

Its clear you feel more strongly about your birthplace and felt your family background was stronger than your other influences. (No idea about your legal nationality).

My elder DD feels British but has no feeling of "home". She has no affinity to her home country. Has moved around a lot. But in a few years she will probably feel more towards the place we've settled in. (Been here two years, she's turning 12).

It doesn’t matter how long you’ve lived here etc she was rude and dismissive to you, someone she’d only just met! Of course that’s unacceptable! I wonder how many people she ‘puts right’ a day?

It is complex. Lots of people with Irish citizenship are in your shoes. As someone who grew up in Ireland, I'd consider them legally Irish but culturally British (although I wouldn't be so rude as to say it). An Irish woman my age would have grown up with Bosco, the Den, the Leaving Cert, the Gaeltacht, learning Irish and then forgetting it the second they left school. Someone who grew up in GB would have different cultural touchstones.

Sounds like she was being very clumsy. Could she have met people at home who had foreign passports but identified as the nationality of the country they grew up in? Sometimes when people meet some people with a particular viewpoint they assume everyone in that situation shares that position.

Ethnicity and nationality can be different. You can be an ethnic African, Swede, Chinese, Canadian or whatever, yet hold British nationality.

It does seem a bit rude and dismissive - generally when meeting new people you look for things in common, not shut those down and look for the differences. And I think anyone being critical of how you describe your nationality is very personal and bound to put you on edge a bit - I get similar when people get into (usually probably well meant and just interested) 'Why don't you speak Welsh then?' conversations if I don't know them well. I know that's not the same but sometimes end up with a feeling that I'm being criticised for doing my nationality wrong!

I can see a few reasons she might be a bit sensitive about you claiming to be 'the same ' as her though. Depending on the country, are there hardships someone growing up there would have faced that you wouldn't have? Or, is she struggling to adapt to bring new in the UK / facing discrimination and feeling it's ok for you as you have settled, pass as British? I'm not saying she's right to correct you in these cases but could understand her feeling a bit sensitive in those cases,and very aware of the difference between you.

Of course she was rude. Anyone who says " you're not really" or "where are you really from" are rude. She should have kept her thoughts to herself.

Yes I love it when people tell me I don't really look this/look more that/must be more this/must be confused/not really this or that - grew up in Chinese/English household in the UK - look Eurasian & identify far more with the Chinese side as dad had far more impact culturally/in every way - but didn't teach us the language. Earliest memories are from visiting people "back home" - but it will be ME who decides what I am/what I feel...

Are you Irish, OP? As I've heard that before from Irish people - if you'd been brought up in France it'd be fine and they'd consider you Irish still, but being brought up in Britain seems to carry a stigma.

If she's Irish I understand where the prejudice comes from, the UK has been awful to the Irish for so long that it'll take a long, long time for prejudices to fade from memory.

She was still wrong though, it's hardly your fault you were brought up elsewhere, and her attitude is both rude and unacceptable.

It's subtle.
My DCs are like that posters but German. They tell me that even though they have never lived there they feel more culturally British than German.
And a lot of that is how they consume media, in particular social media - mostly in English (but not necessarily British)
I have spent more of my life in Germany than the UK. I went to school in England. I feel culturally British, but if anyone asks? I'm from Yorkshire. Nobody can tell because my accent is SSB

I think the reality is that you're both. You wouldn't be you without all the influences and experiences of your childhood. Both are important and you don't have to pick one but if you do, that's for you. Not some random lady.

This lady doesn't know you or your heart or how much home influence you had growing up. She sees what she thinks from a short conversation and instead of choosing to bond over the similarities has chosen to separate over the differences.

Jimmy Carr refers to himself as a 'plastic paddy' ie he has the passport but not the accent.

Yeah plastic paddy is a common term but I don't think it's seen as acceptable any more. One you'd only use about yourself or in jest with someone you're very close to and know it won't offend.

Journalist Afua Hirsch who is of mixed African and UK Jewish heritage - paternal grandfather was a refugee from Nazism.

In her book Brit(ish) she writes at length about not fitting in either UK culture or that in Ghana from where her Mother hails.

An interesting and illuminating read for those of us with singular UK roots.

I think she was being rude.

Ah OP. I can really identify...

This has happened to me.. she was a bit arsey about it, that's for sure. I've found that women tend to reject my ' birth nationality ' whereas men tend to accept it, as a general rule. In fact, men encourage it. ' but your blood is XYZ. You were raised in XYZ household. So you're XYZ !'.

When someone asks me where I am from, I no longer say ' I am from XYZ '. I say my family are from XYZ. It's much easier. Because people would always ask ' oh where abouts ? How long have you lived in the UK ? Your accent is really not there. ' etc.

I'm of southern European heritage so I don't look British, which may be different.

It is what it is. We never fit in anywhere 100 percent. I enjoy surrounding myself with second or third culture people, because only they can really get you. I do have friends that are just from one culture, but I usually prefer people of a mixed background who have also lived in the UK for ages. I feel like they understand.

As a white person (actually a black person who identifies as a white person), I agree with you OP. No one can tell you what you are or police your identity.

However, I doubt the person was trying to be mean. Perhaps they thought, like them, you had lived longer in your home country, therefore had more 'home country' experience than they initially thought.

I've had people say something similar when they realise I identify as white, not black. I just give them time to adjust to what they see vs what I tell them I am. No need to become offended. Who cares what others think.

I’m curious as I’ve never heard of this - are you mixed race with black heritage on one side of your family or are you “fully” black ie 2 black parents?

I do know one mixed race guy who identifies as white though and to be fair he is very light skinned.

I'd have replied, 'ah if only I'd known that when I was getting bullied as a kid for being different'. Yanbu, your painful experiences should not be minimised

I'm an immigrant to this country and my parents were immigrants to the country I was born in. I am roundly rejected, mostly good naturedly, by all 3 nationalities