To feel a bit annoyed that this woman tried to tell me my own nationality?

[threelegdonkey]

I'm not sure of the correct phrasing so apologies if I've gotten it wrong!

Basically, I was not born in the UK but have lived here most of my life as my parents moved here when I was very young. I do look and sound typically British.

Met a client at work today, recognised her accent as being from my 'home country' and started chatting to her about where we were both from. She said I didn't have much of an accent and I said I'd lived in the UK for X amount of years and she very obviously scoffed at me, rolled her eyes and said 'Oh, well you aren't really [insert country] then are you. You're British'.

Aibu to be a bit offended by her dismissiveness? Not that being British is a bad thing at all it's just that despite the fact I grew up here I don't consider myself to be particularly British. I had no British family members around me growing up so most of the culture, art, food, music, customs etc I was surrounded by at home were from my home country. I was badly bullied as a child because of the fact I was 'different', because I wasn't born here. So it did feel very hurtful to have my whole life experience completely dismissed by this person just because I've developed a British accent.

Aibu? Was she rude and insensitive or am I being over sensitive?

My family moved to the country I live in now when I was very small. I don't remember living in my birth country. I'm the opposite of you, I identify more with the country I grew up in. All of my cultural references, where I went to school, what tv shows I watched, what sweets I bought at the shop as a kid, what exams I did, curriculum I studied, language I learnt, politics and history I know best, jokes I tell are all the same as people that were born here. There are a few things different but overall I have far more in common with people here than I do my birth country.

It would seem weird to me to think I was as Spanish for instance as someone who lived in Spain all of my life when I barely even remember it for me personally there is more to a persons nationality than where they were born. Identity isn't a big thing for me though, I got a tough time as a kid over it so I grew a thick skin and don't really care what anyone thinks of where I'm from. I know that lots of people are sensitive about it though so I take the smile and nod aproach if someone says where they are from. At the same time though that woman was as entitled to her views as you are even though it would have been more polite for her to pretend she thought you were as Spanish or whatever as she is.

I'm mixed race, grew up in one country, have lived in another for decades. Reality is you'll never quite fit in anywhere. Sorry. It is what it is.

I’m not genetically from anywhere in the UK but as i grew up here I consider myself British.
mots up to you how you identify but I can understand why others would see you as British (especially as you say you look British)

I’m afraid this is nonsense!

My dc have been brought up in a dual language and dual nationality family.

They can appear totally British in a British setting and totally French in a French setting.

The people they meet may only see one side of them but that doesn’t mean the other doesn’t exist!

Bluntly, people shouldn’t make profound judgements about people whom you’ve met for only 5 minutes.

@Screamingabdabz oh come on that's not even remotely the same thing!

I'm not identifying as a unicorn or some other ridiculous impossible thing that anyone with eyes and a brain can blatantly see I'm not, I'm identifying as something I ACTUALLY AM just in a more subtle way than other people who are also from there present as.

I'm not saying I'm as (for example) Indian as someone who has grown up and lived there their whole life but neither am I totally NOT Indian just because I haven't lived there in a long time. It's a sliding scale isn't it? I still have some part of me that is very much attached to my country of origin whether or not other people can see it on my face or hear it in my voice.

YANBU she is very rude. I agree with the poster who said the people who say otherwise have never been on the receiving end of this.

I think your kids are probably quite the exception? If all of their schooling was in France for instance do they know the games that are played in the schoolyards in Britain, what they have for lunch, the annoying poem that everybody is forced to learn and remembers word for word 20 years later, the ice lollies people would buy on a hot day, the school uniforms or the million other small things that make up our childhoods and our cultural references? Like if I mention the guy on the news who slipped on the ice I can pretty much guarantee that everyone in the country I live in now will know what country I live in and what news segment I am talking about. I don't have those same references for the country I was born in and to me it is small things like that that make up your cultural identity. I think it would be really unusual to know those inside out the same way as someone who has lived somewhere all of their life would.

You fit where you think/say you fit. A few people a saying ridiculous things doesn’t make them true. It is within your power to say who you are. It’s not up to them.

Her words seem insensitive and dismissive. But at the same time I can kind of understand her point of view. For example I'm Irish and I'm not sure I would regard someone who's lived in Australia or America since childhood and doesn't speak with an Irish accent as being Irish in the same way as myself. It's just a cultural thing. That said, it doesn't excuse her rudeness and I certainly wouldn't express my thoughts in the same way as her.

I once got into a long argument about my nationality when living abroad.

I was getting my visa updated (Government offices) and they put that I was "English" on my renewed visa. I objected - handed it back and said I was "Scottish" or "British" but NOT English.

Government worker told me I was mistaken - I was indeed English!

This led to a long debate. Eventually, exasperated, he pulled out an atlas and only then relented. He changed it to "Scottish".

This is easy to say glibly, but until I "escaped" my home country aged 11 it was literally everyone including my classmates and extended family who considered me an outsider. (In the end I begged my mum to send me to boarding school here inspired by the likes of The Worst Witch.) You can't say to a 9yo girl "just ignore them" if "them" includes her own uncles. That shouldn't be her responsibility. My only option at the time was leaving, which I did.

But I digress from the main point.

The main point is, it's nice to have some curiosity about people's heritage especially if it's unusual or different. It's not nice to make snap judgements or "correct" them on their own story, or disclaim their right to share your heritage, which is what OP's acquaintance did.

exactly…they have no idea. As someone who went back to their parents home country at age 16 I was gutted that I was essentially rejected by a lot of people outside my extended family.

I usually give a reply like that too.

But often now I don’t disclose it unless someone asks the origin of my name because I’m sick of sharing only to be told I’m not actually X then really 😏

I think she was very rude and dismissive of your origins.

Not sure if everyone would understand if they haven't been though having their culture challenged, but I think people shouldn't make comments on other people's cultural identity.

I would have been offended too.

I think you're both a bit in the wrong. She shouldn't have made her comment as a fact when it's actually an opinion. She's also probably made some wrong assumptions and you could easily have corrected her by informing her that you'd had a very foreign (insert nationality here) upbringing.
The bullying you experienced as a child is not her responsibility though I accept it probably does impact on your emotional response.

I’m on the fence a bit and see both perspectives.

For example, Irish people strongly feel you need the accent and an Irish upbringing to be really Irish, possibly because of the numbers of Americans and others who call themselves Irish no matter how many generations ago the link. This simplistic view of nationality is annoying.

That said, it IS different to be brought up in the UK, surrounded by British kids and teachers (no matter how culturally diverse), British culture, influences. Even with a culturally homogenous home life, those influences can’t be overlooked. So in effect you can end up British X where X is your nationality.

I say embrace all sides of your experience and don’t let this person annoy you!

I think it's your choice how you describe your nationality and she shouldn't have scoffed at you. My DD is half Asian and half English, I would definitely say her nationality is British but her ethnicity is Asian/English.

Yanbu. It's up to you how you identify, no one else.

I have had this when I said I was Jewish from x country. 'Well you aren't really from there are you?'. Yes, actually my family had lived there for hundreds of years (until they had to leave as refugees). Nationality and race are separate. A lot of people fail to understand this.

I never tick 'British' on ethnicity forms, even though I was born here.

I look very typical of one nationality and sound 100% like another so I get what you mean OP. I do get people from both "sides" of my heritage making negative comments so I understand your frustration OP but I think it is best to let it go over your head.

It's the downside of being bicultural, best not to let it get to you.

It would be so nice if we could come up with a good one-liner to respond to the rude ones about our origins/ nationality/ ethnicity. Something light hearted that would stop them in their tracks so we wouldn't have our day ruined so often. I hate people trying to pigeonhole me . Why should we have to defend ourselves? I don't get it either OP.

I like the idea of asking, "are you the nationality police?"

When I am back in my country of origin where I haven't lived for 40 years- but grew up there, people actually ask me where I am from! I enjoy changing the answer each time or inventing a new country. People can be really stupid, don't listen, and are terribly provincial no matter where they come from! They are certainly not worth getting upset over......
( sorry word police for the hanging preposition!)

What a shame we are so keen to pigeonhole others to fit our own prejudices. So many people of dual or multiple nationalities/ethnicities seem to feel they fit nowhere instead of being welcomed by all their heritage.
It's rude of someone else to tell you that you are not X enough but don't take it to heart.

It’s never about how you feel and what feels right for you, but what others think you should be, as evident by pp on this thread.

For British people, you will never truly be accepted because you’re not from here. And clearly, for your home country, you are now being told you don’t belong.

It’s painful - where do you belong? Surely where you belong is what feels right to you, which is who you are and where you are from. Not what others say you should be.

Mmmm I’m quite amused by this because in effect you have done the same thing as the op’s client but far more politely! 😃

I understand your point, you are saying my dc probably can’t properly identify as being culturally British if they aren’t aware of the poem everyone had to learn in school in uk or didn’t watch a certain episode of Eastenders etc but the world has moved on and I would argue that my dc are not so exceptional nowadays:

~like many expat dc with access to fast modern travel, as younger dc they have been able to experience virtually every school holiday and important cultural event from pancake day through to Christmas , with their British cousins of the same age, and now as older dc prefer to experience the same in France with their French friends

~and during term time with the help of modern technology and satellite tv as little kids they had British culture beamed in to our “foreign”’home every day after school in addition to the tv their French friends were watching

~ with the help of modern tech and British children’s books and music me and my dh were able to introduce them to
British nursery rhymes, songs and poems jokes etc and we have made a point of learning the same things in French and of course they have at school too

~ And now as teens with so much of cultural life on-line, they are able to access pop music, streamed tv, social media in both language worlds in microscopic detail!

~ This doesn’t apply to my children but many expat dc nowadays have access to educational immersion in two cultures in bilingual schools which make a point of exploring the things you are talking about in two or more languages

~And many families with one parent of each different culture practice OPOL at home so the dc reach the same advanced language level in both languages and there are a raft of supporting materials on line to facilitate this.

So of course there will be little differences and little things in both cultures they have missed out on but I would argue that dc can be immersed in to two cultures nowadays much, much more easily and in greater detail than when I was a child in the 1970s, and it’s easier now than say even ten or twenty years ago, with more on-line resources available than ever before , when distance and the lack of internet made it far more difficult.

My cousin from back home didn't consider me as one of them. It's pretty common for people to think like that.

I'm third generation. I don't fit in either place (hard to if you're brown). It's annoying, but I don't think they meant anything bad by it. Funnily enough I also get this about the city I am from as I moved where I am now when I was 8, that's a weirder one for me as I feel I am from the city I was born in but also I don't. Guess I'm screwed either way!! 😅