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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My husband has bought a car behind my back

290 replies

PinocchiosWife · 20/06/2023 22:14

My husband seems to think that this is perfectly reasonable behaviour and I should actually be delighted.

Sorry for the length, didn't want to drip feed!

For context, we have been really struggling with money for a number of years. We had an old banger to get around in, and it was due it's MOT and supposedly booked in for it on a Monday a few weeks ago. I went away for a week working on the Friday before this.

When I returned I was surprised (to say the least) to find this lovely plush car picking me up. My first question was "where did this come from?“ to which he replied really sarcastically "a garage". I then asked where he'd found the money to pay for it, and he said a loan. He was obviously getting really angry so I didn't ask any more initially.

When he was calmer he told me that our car had failed it's MOT, and that he'd borrowed the money for this new car from some friends. He told me how much the car was, but refused point blank to tell me how much he'd borrowed. Apparently it wasn't like that in his family growing up - his dad would just buy a new car and his mum would just say oh that's lovely dear. Because of this he's unable to tell me about big financial decisions. 😂

Anyway a little while later, I discovered that not only that the car was more than he'd said, but also that he'd borrowed much more than the cost of the car. I also found out that the previous car had never even been for it's MOT, but had been traded in for the new car. The biggest shocker to me was that the new car had arrived on the Saturday (a day after I'd left on the work trip). He'd not mentioned any of this at the time despite speaking to me on the phone every day.

When I asked him about this, he said he didn't have to tell me how much he'd borrowed, and continued lying about the cost of the car. Then he said that I didn't trust him, didn't communicate, and proceeded to be horribly angry at me for another week.

So, if you've read all of that malarkey, congrats!
Aibu to expect that spouses should share this kind of information? Or am I not?
Over to you, wise mumsnetters!

OP posts:
billy1966 · 21/06/2023 20:32

Good woman.

Get rid asap.

You are only wasting YOUR time.

Original poster
PinocchiosWife · 21/06/2023 20:38

Yes he is a complete muppet. Am angry at myself for falling for his bullshit in the first place.

OP posts:
Original poster
PinocchiosWife · 21/06/2023 20:42

@Bluebells1970 thank you for being so kind 💐

@Phoenix1Arisen she's not Christian, but she does believe that if you are able to aid your fellow man you should.

OP posts:
Original poster
PinocchiosWife · 21/06/2023 20:44

pensionconfusion1 · 21/06/2023 11:14

And missing the point of the thread, but why does a gardener need to drive around in a suit, in a posh car? It would have made more sense to buy a van.

My thoughts exactly!

As it is the only car we have, would it be a marital asset when we divorce?
I do hope so....

OP posts:
Lalalalala555 · 21/06/2023 20:53

PinocchiosWife · 20/06/2023 22:14

My husband seems to think that this is perfectly reasonable behaviour and I should actually be delighted.

Sorry for the length, didn't want to drip feed!

For context, we have been really struggling with money for a number of years. We had an old banger to get around in, and it was due it's MOT and supposedly booked in for it on a Monday a few weeks ago. I went away for a week working on the Friday before this.

When I returned I was surprised (to say the least) to find this lovely plush car picking me up. My first question was "where did this come from?“ to which he replied really sarcastically "a garage". I then asked where he'd found the money to pay for it, and he said a loan. He was obviously getting really angry so I didn't ask any more initially.

When he was calmer he told me that our car had failed it's MOT, and that he'd borrowed the money for this new car from some friends. He told me how much the car was, but refused point blank to tell me how much he'd borrowed. Apparently it wasn't like that in his family growing up - his dad would just buy a new car and his mum would just say oh that's lovely dear. Because of this he's unable to tell me about big financial decisions. 😂

Anyway a little while later, I discovered that not only that the car was more than he'd said, but also that he'd borrowed much more than the cost of the car. I also found out that the previous car had never even been for it's MOT, but had been traded in for the new car. The biggest shocker to me was that the new car had arrived on the Saturday (a day after I'd left on the work trip). He'd not mentioned any of this at the time despite speaking to me on the phone every day.

When I asked him about this, he said he didn't have to tell me how much he'd borrowed, and continued lying about the cost of the car. Then he said that I didn't trust him, didn't communicate, and proceeded to be horribly angry at me for another week.

So, if you've read all of that malarkey, congrats!
Aibu to expect that spouses should share this kind of information? Or am I not?
Over to you, wise mumsnetters!

The irony of what he's accusing you of, when he point blank was hiding this from you and calculating about it.
It didn't just happen to happen the day after you went away. He must have been looking and finding a way to afford it.

Maybe it was meant to be a nice suprise.

But his actions of lying to you about what happened are not okay.
Maybe he was anxious to discuss it.
But lying to your partner and trying to cover things up and being calculating about when you do things when they're not there.

A big no.

greencheetah · 21/06/2023 20:59

Yes, the car will be a marital asset. Maybe you should take it 😂

Original poster
PinocchiosWife · 21/06/2023 21:02

@Lalalalala555 definitely calculating. I wish it had been as a nice surprise. If he'd been open with me, told me the truth, it wouldn't have been such an issue. Am waiting until I've gotten some legal advice to talk to him. Am tempted when he tells me I'm overreacting to retort that over a 1000 people think I'm not.

OP posts:
Original poster
PinocchiosWife · 21/06/2023 21:03

@greencheetah that's good to know! Given that we live in the middle of nowhere and have a child, and that he will be the one finding somewhere else to live, and given that it's now the family car I suspect that I may have no choice but to keep it!

OP posts:
Badabingbadaboomm · 22/06/2023 00:36

He sounds like he’s been a twat but previous replies suggesting abuse? That isn’t abuse and saying it is diminishes actual abuse.

AnnieSnap · 22/06/2023 00:53

It sounds like your decision to end your marriage is sadly sensible @PinocchiosWife I just want to wish you all good things for the future 💐

MysteryBelle · 22/06/2023 01:07

He’s a huge liar, wow. You cannot trust one word that he says. I don’t see how you can carry on with him.

Avondale89 · 22/06/2023 01:15

It’s financial infidelity, pure and simple. He sounds like a prize twat.

Nanaof1 · 22/06/2023 07:31

SophiaElizabethGrace · 20/06/2023 22:45

It's all a bit unsavoury isn't it? Lying to you, being abusive, borrowing money when there's no need, borrowing from an old lady. I don't know, it all just seems shady.

I think it seems very shady, especially with where he got the money. Borrowing from an elderly person, who isn't even a family member is bad form and I bet her family would have something to say about it.

He works for her 4-6 hours/week? That will take a long time to pay off since it's not even a basic car.

He took advantage of her. He knows it, the OP knows it and MN people know it.
That is despicable.

Nanaof1 · 22/06/2023 07:35

Hankunamatata · 20/06/2023 22:47

Omg he has ripped off an old lady for her money

Yep, a total con job. I will put money on the fact that the "loan" will never be paid back. I really wonder how much "extra" he took from her?

In fact, I'll call it what it truly is, I wonder how much he "stole" from her?

If my DH did that, he'd find his things packed and left outside within 24 hours. What will he do next when he needs more money so he can pretend to be something he isn't? Rob a bank?

Nanaof1 · 22/06/2023 07:36

LizzieSiddal · 20/06/2023 22:49

Gosh he sounds a prince amongst men.

Lying to you, making you feel like you have no right to be angry that he’s lied. “Borrowed” money from an elderly lady and he isn’t actually going to give her May money back! Sounds extremely dodgy and if this was my elderly relative I’d be calling the police!

I hope and pray that she has a family member that finds out about this. Scamming the elderly should be a felony offense.

Nanaof1 · 22/06/2023 07:41

Throwncrumbs · 20/06/2023 22:56

That could be seen as elder abuse, taking money off an elderly woman and paying it off with gardening. She could die next week (which he prob thinks will let him off paying it back), if he does 4/6 hours a week he must be laughing. He’s a con artist and aside from the car I would be thoroughly ashamed if this was my husband.

I could never, ever, EVER stay in a relationship where my DH is a grifter, con artist, scammer, thief. It is elder abuse.

I am betting he really has no plan to pay her back at all, and it makes me wonder how much other money he has stolen from her or other elderly people.

WonderingWanda · 22/06/2023 07:46

Op this is horrendous. Of course he should have discussed it with you and he has clearly lied and gone behind your back in a very deceitful way. He has also swindled the money form an old lady and he clearly has no intention of paying it back. I personally would be close to ending the relationship over this. The only thing which would redeem him is if he could accept the error of his ways. Sell the new flashy car and return the money to the elderly friend. Then have a sensible grown up married conversation about how to afford a new car.

Nanaof1 · 22/06/2023 07:47

PinocchiosWife · 20/06/2023 22:58

So he has borrowed hundreds from her before, and paid it all back through working it off, so it's not like he's not going to be paying it back. As to telling her family, her husband is fully aware of it and doesn't seem to think it's a problem. The lady is definitely in full possession of her faculties too. Also we've known them for years. I did speak to her about it, and she said that she wouldn't tell me how much the loan was for as it was between the two of them.

It doesn't MATTER if her DH is "okay" with it. It doesn't MATTER that you think she is in control of her mental acuity. It is still way too easy to manipulate older people into doing what you want them to do.

The fact that he has borrowed hundreds before and "worked it off", just shows that he knows an easy take when he sees it. Since you knew/know about it, makes you just as bad.

If either one of the couple has to go into a care home, that will be tough to explain how they "lent" over $50K (between all the times) to a "gardener" who works 4-6 hours a week at the house.

Nanaof1 · 22/06/2023 08:17

Someoneonlyyouknow · 21/06/2023 02:58

Have you calculated how long this loan will take to to be repaid? The previous loans and repayments sound like softening her up till he could get a significant amount

He's never repaid the "loans". He has "worked the debt off", if you are inclined to believe that BS.

If he had had the elderly couple draw up a "contract", with all the details spelled out about repayment, how long before paid, his "hourly rate" (who wants to bet it's exorbitant for them?), terms for default etc., that would be one thing. But to just be able to talk them out of the money? I don't care if the elderly man was a lawyer and they seem "fine with it".

Something stinks and everyone sees it but the OP.

My DGM and DU both had intact minds, but they were still able to be talked into giving my DF's cousin money, over and over again.

Nanaof1 · 22/06/2023 08:21

Starseeking · 21/06/2023 07:50

You're married to him, he's just saddled you both with a huge debt and refuses to talk about it. Of course it's your business!

There are significant communication issues if this is how your DH treats you, I'd be concerned about the long-term future of your relationship.

He hasn't saddled her with any debt, nor himself. If there is no contract, he has no duty, especially since their "agreement" is that he will work it off doing gardening. I doubt the Buckingham Palace grounds need THAT much gardening.

That's how grifters operate.

Phoenix1Arisen · 22/06/2023 08:28

I cannot agree with Nanaof1 at all.

I'm in my 70's and recently lent a grandchild a couple of thousand to buy a replacement vehicle, vital to get to work in this rural district, after his car unexpectedly and expensively broke down. He is paying me back at 100 a month, all with the full knowledge of other members of his/my family.

Where is the manipulation, grasping or questionable honesty in that?

Too big an assumption going on, in my view, to label the OP as "just as bad". I'd also say that if we're into 'it looks like...' territory, it looks like Pinocchio'sWife has a perfectly competent standard of conduct and a moral compass that's working well.

PuzzledObserver · 22/06/2023 08:29

Manthide · 21/06/2023 18:40

The credit cards are in his name but he doesn't have his own bank account just the joint one. I do have my own bank account and my wages and child benefit are paid into it but uc is still in joint names (though I have told them we divorced almost 2 years ago). I put money from my account into the joint one as all the bills go out of it. At the moment we are paying about £130 a month off his credit cards.

Show quote history

You’re actually divorced, but still living together because he refuses to move out?

I’m no expert, but I would have thought there were legal remedies you could use. Why are you paying anything into the joint account? Just stop. Pay the bills out of your sole account. Cut off his finance.

Nanaof1 · 22/06/2023 08:40

ChittyBangabang · 21/06/2023 10:03

Sounds like a rich couple dote on him and he'll work it off so not really a loan?

I am betting he plays upon their sympathy and makes himself out to be so down and out and of course, no fault of his own. He butters them up and ingratiates himself into their little circle. Then he borrows a little and works it off, a little more and works it off and then boom, gets them to "lend" him tens of thousands, and now he will sit back and hope they kick off before he has to pay it back. Or he won't sit back and wait....

He is cheating the couple, cheating the government and the taxpayers and neither he nor the OP seem to think anything of it.

I have to wonder what type of job has someone travel for a week for work, yet pay so little they are almost on the breadline?

I always thought those jobs paid at least a decent middle income.

Nanaof1 · 22/06/2023 08:45

Phoenix1Arisen · 21/06/2023 10:19

I wouldn't be worrying too much over the 'poor old lady'. She and her husband have quite happily lent the money, this time and on at least one previous occasion.

Far more worrying is the Old Lady actively colluding with the OP's husband to keep concealed from a wife facts about matters which could swamp the marriage.

I also find it hard to understand just how a woman with long experience of this world can justify keeping an innocent party in the dark about the potential disaster (in all its many aspects) rolling swiftly towards her!

A sneaky little corner of me half hopes the husband defaults on the loan as a kind of heaven sent pay back.

We have no clue what the OP NVDH has told this couple. He might have made the OP out to be a disaster, so while they are nice to her face, he has thrown her under the bus and begged them not to tell OP because (insert whatever lie seems to be NVDH's forte).
I really don't believe that they have just lent him this money through truth. I believe he has sold them a dog and pony show and they are still paying admission.

19lottie82 · 22/06/2023 08:49

As his spouse you're jointly
responsible for debts either of you
incur.

not true.