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AIBU?

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Original poster

My husband has bought a car behind my back

290 replies

PinocchiosWife · 20/06/2023 22:14

My husband seems to think that this is perfectly reasonable behaviour and I should actually be delighted.

Sorry for the length, didn't want to drip feed!

For context, we have been really struggling with money for a number of years. We had an old banger to get around in, and it was due it's MOT and supposedly booked in for it on a Monday a few weeks ago. I went away for a week working on the Friday before this.

When I returned I was surprised (to say the least) to find this lovely plush car picking me up. My first question was "where did this come from?“ to which he replied really sarcastically "a garage". I then asked where he'd found the money to pay for it, and he said a loan. He was obviously getting really angry so I didn't ask any more initially.

When he was calmer he told me that our car had failed it's MOT, and that he'd borrowed the money for this new car from some friends. He told me how much the car was, but refused point blank to tell me how much he'd borrowed. Apparently it wasn't like that in his family growing up - his dad would just buy a new car and his mum would just say oh that's lovely dear. Because of this he's unable to tell me about big financial decisions. 😂

Anyway a little while later, I discovered that not only that the car was more than he'd said, but also that he'd borrowed much more than the cost of the car. I also found out that the previous car had never even been for it's MOT, but had been traded in for the new car. The biggest shocker to me was that the new car had arrived on the Saturday (a day after I'd left on the work trip). He'd not mentioned any of this at the time despite speaking to me on the phone every day.

When I asked him about this, he said he didn't have to tell me how much he'd borrowed, and continued lying about the cost of the car. Then he said that I didn't trust him, didn't communicate, and proceeded to be horribly angry at me for another week.

So, if you've read all of that malarkey, congrats!
Aibu to expect that spouses should share this kind of information? Or am I not?
Over to you, wise mumsnetters!

OP posts:
Nanaof1 · 22/06/2023 08:52

Dogscanteatonions · 21/06/2023 12:17

What the fuck?! Have you even read the OP's posts in the slightest?

Show quote history

I doubt if they cared. They just wanted to brag and get a medal.

Here is their medal🎖. 🙄

Nanaof1 · 22/06/2023 08:55

Phoenix1Arisen · 21/06/2023 14:24

"Strong religous principles". Really? Which verse of the bible applauds/supports her actively colluding with your husband (not some vague part time boyfriend-ish bloke) to keep secret financial dealings which have the power to wreck your life.

One wonders what stories of your 'cruelty' she has been fed or is she just not bothered about another woman's welfare.

In your shoes, I would not be describing her as a friend.

ITA! I think the elderly lady has been baited and swallowed it hook, line and sinker. That's why she is keeping it confidential. She has been told something nasty about the OP and probably thinks she is "saving" the NVDH, not even realizing she is being scammed.

Manthide · 22/06/2023 09:15

Phoenix1Arisen · 22/06/2023 08:28

I cannot agree with Nanaof1 at all.

I'm in my 70's and recently lent a grandchild a couple of thousand to buy a replacement vehicle, vital to get to work in this rural district, after his car unexpectedly and expensively broke down. He is paying me back at 100 a month, all with the full knowledge of other members of his/my family.

Where is the manipulation, grasping or questionable honesty in that?

Too big an assumption going on, in my view, to label the OP as "just as bad". I'd also say that if we're into 'it looks like...' territory, it looks like Pinocchio'sWife has a perfectly competent standard of conduct and a moral compass that's working well.

My parents aged 80 and 81 would do the same for one of their grandchildren if necessary but not next-door's husband! Thankfully dd1's dh is giving his old car to my 20 year old ds and dd2 is paying for his first year's insurance but I know my parents would have helped him get on the road.

Manthide · 22/06/2023 09:19

PinocchiosWife · 21/06/2023 20:44

My thoughts exactly!

As it is the only car we have, would it be a marital asset when we divorce?
I do hope so....

Show quote history

If you get the car you'd probably have to take over the loan too! Our car is in my name, fully paid off but as I'm losing my sight and can't drive anymore ex dh is welcome to it.

Nanaof1 · 22/06/2023 09:20

Phoenix1Arisen · 22/06/2023 08:28

I cannot agree with Nanaof1 at all.

I'm in my 70's and recently lent a grandchild a couple of thousand to buy a replacement vehicle, vital to get to work in this rural district, after his car unexpectedly and expensively broke down. He is paying me back at 100 a month, all with the full knowledge of other members of his/my family.

Where is the manipulation, grasping or questionable honesty in that?

Too big an assumption going on, in my view, to label the OP as "just as bad". I'd also say that if we're into 'it looks like...' territory, it looks like Pinocchio'sWife has a perfectly competent standard of conduct and a moral compass that's working well.

That's a grandchild. My children both borrowed money from their DGM. There was a contract written up with how much would be paid per month and for how many months. Each payment was recorded and they both paid it off in full.

The fact that the OP saw nothing wrong with the other times her NVDH "borrowed" money from the couple, paying it back in "gardening", tells me she is lacking something, whether it be common sense or morals.

Would you have lent your DGS money if he told you he would pay it back by taking out your garbage once a week and not paying any $$?

The fact that you are in your 70's and think your situation and OP's situation have any similarities makes me scratch my head.
I am also about that old and would lend my grandchildren money, and they would have a contract (their parents would insist). They are family, something the OP's NVDH is not to the people he is using as his personal loan department.

Nanaof1 · 22/06/2023 09:26

Manthide · 22/06/2023 09:19

If you get the car you'd probably have to take over the loan too! Our car is in my name, fully paid off but as I'm losing my sight and can't drive anymore ex dh is welcome to it.

Show quote history

I am so sorry you are losing your site. Mine is fading too, though I take vitamins that are supposed to "help".

I hope you can get your finances moved over to just your name and let your exh find a job to pay off his debts.

Codlingmoths · 22/06/2023 09:31

Manthide · 22/06/2023 09:19

If you get the car you'd probably have to take over the loan too! Our car is in my name, fully paid off but as I'm losing my sight and can't drive anymore ex dh is welcome to it.

Show quote history

The loan is just a neighbour lending him money. There would be no legal link to the car, the car is just an asset of the marriage and the loan an informal debt that can’t be included in the financial summing up. Too bad for him.

Cucucucu · 22/06/2023 09:58

I think you need to consider leaving him now before he drags you down .
This reminds me of a good friend whose husband drove around in a Porsche but they once returned form holiday and their house had been repossessed and they where homeless . Turns out he lied for years and was up to his neck in debt .

whynotwhatknot · 22/06/2023 12:10

My dad was a grifter con man-well still is really

dont let your child grow up with this it fucks youup

Original poster
PinocchiosWife · 22/06/2023 12:22

Phoenix1Arisen · 22/06/2023 08:28

I cannot agree with Nanaof1 at all.

I'm in my 70's and recently lent a grandchild a couple of thousand to buy a replacement vehicle, vital to get to work in this rural district, after his car unexpectedly and expensively broke down. He is paying me back at 100 a month, all with the full knowledge of other members of his/my family.

Where is the manipulation, grasping or questionable honesty in that?

Too big an assumption going on, in my view, to label the OP as "just as bad". I'd also say that if we're into 'it looks like...' territory, it looks like Pinocchio'sWife has a perfectly competent standard of conduct and a moral compass that's working well.

Thank you for this. I believe that he's being paid about £20 ph for his time so it's a reasonable rate given that a lot of his work has been clearing a jungle! He does a lot of unpaid stuff for them too, lifts to hospital appointments, making them meals when they can't manage for themselves etc. I don't think he should have borrowed this money, but I don't think he's scamming them - he just hasn't thought about how it might be perceived by outsiders.

@Nanaof1 I do wish you'd read my posts. I DO NOT CONDONE THIS AT ALL. That is why I am divorcing him. Getting a bit miffed as it should be very clear by now that I'm angry not only because of the deceit but because also I think taking this loan is morally wrong.

OP posts:
NotBotheredAnymore · 22/06/2023 12:25

Manthide · 21/06/2023 14:36

Sounds just like my ex dh who seems to think its fine to get 2 credit cards and put thousands of pounds of debt on them without saying anything. Even now I know he has moved one balance to the other as it was a good deal but he hasn't said anything - and he refuses to get a job ( or leave our house) so I'm the one paying them off ( very slowly )

Please make your own thread as what you are going through is not normal. Did you get a financial consent order done at the same time as the divorce? If not then get one sorted asap. Your exH is conning you.

OP - I rarely use the voting system but please use this post as another vote for you to leave.

Rosscameasdoody · 22/06/2023 14:58

Aprilx · 21/06/2023 14:35

So they didn’t purse your friend then. 🤪

Show quote history

No, but she was still affected as a financial order was placed on the marital home and the strain led to the break up of the marriage.

VoiceOfCommonSense · 22/06/2023 15:03

PinocchiosWife · 20/06/2023 22:14

My husband seems to think that this is perfectly reasonable behaviour and I should actually be delighted.

Sorry for the length, didn't want to drip feed!

For context, we have been really struggling with money for a number of years. We had an old banger to get around in, and it was due it's MOT and supposedly booked in for it on a Monday a few weeks ago. I went away for a week working on the Friday before this.

When I returned I was surprised (to say the least) to find this lovely plush car picking me up. My first question was "where did this come from?“ to which he replied really sarcastically "a garage". I then asked where he'd found the money to pay for it, and he said a loan. He was obviously getting really angry so I didn't ask any more initially.

When he was calmer he told me that our car had failed it's MOT, and that he'd borrowed the money for this new car from some friends. He told me how much the car was, but refused point blank to tell me how much he'd borrowed. Apparently it wasn't like that in his family growing up - his dad would just buy a new car and his mum would just say oh that's lovely dear. Because of this he's unable to tell me about big financial decisions. 😂

Anyway a little while later, I discovered that not only that the car was more than he'd said, but also that he'd borrowed much more than the cost of the car. I also found out that the previous car had never even been for it's MOT, but had been traded in for the new car. The biggest shocker to me was that the new car had arrived on the Saturday (a day after I'd left on the work trip). He'd not mentioned any of this at the time despite speaking to me on the phone every day.

When I asked him about this, he said he didn't have to tell me how much he'd borrowed, and continued lying about the cost of the car. Then he said that I didn't trust him, didn't communicate, and proceeded to be horribly angry at me for another week.

So, if you've read all of that malarkey, congrats!
Aibu to expect that spouses should share this kind of information? Or am I not?
Over to you, wise mumsnetters!

Ah well at least you will get half of it in the divorce..

Testina · 22/06/2023 15:12

“He does a lot of unpaid stuff for them too, lifts to hospital appointments, making them meals when they can't manage for themselves etc.”

Those are very nice things to do, but done by what sounds like a not very nice man. Who you say has no moral compass. It’s a bit of a leap (but maybe not an enormous one) to wonder if he’s hoping to inherit. Not outright scamming, but calculated actions.

Original poster
PinocchiosWife · 22/06/2023 15:35

@Testina possibly, tbh that hadn't crossed my mind. Not sure he's thought further than, want a shiny new car, how do I get shiny new car.
Am intending to speak with them both again and raise these concerns, also with a mutual friend who may be able to make them see differently. Not sure it'll make much difference though.

OP posts:
billy1966 · 22/06/2023 17:18

OP,

If I were you I would text them that you would like to pop in for a chat.

That you are most concerned about the money they loaned him and that they might have felt pressured by him to do so.

Text them you just want to be very clear that the wasn't any pressure whatsoever involved.

Text that you knew nothing at all about his car plans, and only heard about the car when he collected you from a work trip.

Text that YOU are very unhappy that they were put in this position by him.

See what they text back.

If things so tits up and they have family that find this out and report him to the police(as many familys would definitely do) you will have clear proof of YOUR not having ANY part in this.

Original poster
PinocchiosWife · 22/06/2023 17:19

billy1966 · 22/06/2023 17:18

OP,

If I were you I would text them that you would like to pop in for a chat.

That you are most concerned about the money they loaned him and that they might have felt pressured by him to do so.

Text them you just want to be very clear that the wasn't any pressure whatsoever involved.

Text that you knew nothing at all about his car plans, and only heard about the car when he collected you from a work trip.

Text that YOU are very unhappy that they were put in this position by him.

See what they text back.

If things so tits up and they have family that find this out and report him to the police(as many familys would definitely do) you will have clear proof of YOUR not having ANY part in this.

This is a very good idea, thank you.

OP posts:
ThePuma · 22/06/2023 17:48

justasking111 · 20/06/2023 22:21

Who exactly did he borrow from. As his spouse you're jointly responsible for debts either of you incur.

No she isn’t.

Tomorrowillbeachicken · 22/06/2023 17:51

I think this would be the end of my marriage if we were in financial trouble. It’s not just the car but the lies and him not caring.

faultylightbulb · 22/06/2023 17:55

HUGE RED FLAG . . Old lady needs paying in funds not time with some immediacy. . . Then I'd be seriously considering my future with this waster. . . and praying the police or a relative don't come knocking the door any time soon!

mandlerparr · 22/06/2023 18:05

My guess would be that he has been telling them all about how he is the breadwinner and you do nothing and basically bragging himself up and talking you down.

Nanaof1 · 22/06/2023 18:19

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster
PinocchiosWife · 22/06/2023 18:35

@Nanaof1 I actually did say something about the first loan. I came on here to find out whether I was being unreasonable or not about this. As I thought before my husband and this elderly couple gaslit me into doubting, most people would indeed think this is wrong. So why on earth do you seem to think I am anything other than completely peed off over it? Your snarky comments are not really helping and are getting in the way of useful posts from others.

OP posts:
AhNowTed · 22/06/2023 18:38

How the hell does a conversation even exist whereby he borrows serious money from an elderly couple he does some casual work for.

My guess is he's burned through actual family.. brothers sisters parents, before he got to this couple.

It's shameful.

Original poster
PinocchiosWife · 22/06/2023 18:39

mandlerparr · 22/06/2023 18:05

My guess would be that he has been telling them all about how he is the breadwinner and you do nothing and basically bragging himself up and talking you down.

Yes I suspect you are right.

OP posts: