My husband has bought a car behind my back

[PinocchiosWife]

My husband seems to think that this is perfectly reasonable behaviour and I should actually be delighted.

Sorry for the length, didn't want to drip feed!

For context, we have been really struggling with money for a number of years. We had an old banger to get around in, and it was due it's MOT and supposedly booked in for it on a Monday a few weeks ago. I went away for a week working on the Friday before this.

When I returned I was surprised (to say the least) to find this lovely plush car picking me up. My first question was "where did this come from?“ to which he replied really sarcastically "a garage". I then asked where he'd found the money to pay for it, and he said a loan. He was obviously getting really angry so I didn't ask any more initially.

When he was calmer he told me that our car had failed it's MOT, and that he'd borrowed the money for this new car from some friends. He told me how much the car was, but refused point blank to tell me how much he'd borrowed. Apparently it wasn't like that in his family growing up - his dad would just buy a new car and his mum would just say oh that's lovely dear. Because of this he's unable to tell me about big financial decisions. 😂

Anyway a little while later, I discovered that not only that the car was more than he'd said, but also that he'd borrowed much more than the cost of the car. I also found out that the previous car had never even been for it's MOT, but had been traded in for the new car. The biggest shocker to me was that the new car had arrived on the Saturday (a day after I'd left on the work trip). He'd not mentioned any of this at the time despite speaking to me on the phone every day.

When I asked him about this, he said he didn't have to tell me how much he'd borrowed, and continued lying about the cost of the car. Then he said that I didn't trust him, didn't communicate, and proceeded to be horribly angry at me for another week.

So, if you've read all of that malarkey, congrats!
Aibu to expect that spouses should share this kind of information? Or am I not?
Over to you, wise mumsnetters!

Also it’s the speaking every day and not mentioning it which makes it even more icky. He knew you would be pissed off and confused by the situation so avoided the confrontation so just lied

My husband has pretty much always bought cars and motorbikes without consulting me - but then, it's his money he's spending, so that is perfectly reasonable. I have been known to come home and see a surprise car outside the house, but he worked really hard to earn that money so no issue. We always agreed that cars were his "thing", so it's not behind my back at all.
If the car was for my main use, I would say exactly what I wanted but he always enjoyed the purchase experience much more than me, so,I just let him get on with it!

Depends entirely on your financial situation.

If you are struggling to pay your bills, yeah, he absolutely should have discussed it with you. If you don't have money worries and HE can afford to pay for the car then YOU are being a little petty.

Close the door on the way out. I would not tolerate out and out lying like this, he'd be gone because I'd be forever wondering what else he had lied about.

Viv there is the incessant lies to consider, he made a decision but lied and lied more about it. Became angry and defensive, he's actted /actting like a complete twat.

OMG that is awful and going into the realms of financial abuse. It might be above board but might not look like that to her relatives. Or the police.
LTB.

Why on earth do you think that the Op would be jointly responsible for her DH's sole debt?

This is NOT how debt works. Although it seems to be a common misconception. Unless the Op was a Guarantor, she will have no ties to this debt whatsoever. Assuming it is unsecured. If he had borrowed and used the house as security then she could be impacted, although not directly liable.

I say this as someone who worked in debt recovery for decades.

And missing the point of the thread, but why does a gardener need to drive around in a suit, in a posh car? It would have made more sense to buy a van.

I actually felt sick when I read who he'd borrowed from.

The fact her husband supposedly knows and she has her facalties is neither here nor there. Vile.

If she refused to tell you how did you find out how much he'd borrowed and the cost of the car?

I am still worried about the old lady. He might have paid back hundreds in the past, but this must be many thousands and that isn't going to be paid back off a bit of gardening and UC!

It is not your debt though, I agree with the person above, I know this as my husband got into debt at one point and all his debts were his (except for a joint mortgage which we got rid of) and I had a good credit score during that time and built it up, it is the debt of the person who made the debt contract.

Morally, though this is wrong as he's borrowed money knowing he's unlikely to pay it all back (and luring them in by paying a smaller amount off in the past). If it was all above board, both he and the lady would be honest about it and the agreements.

Wow, that sounds as dodgy as fuck. If I was her relative and found out about this arrangement I would be talking about financial coercion. Who is to say when the agreement is finished? How long will it take to “pay back” several thousands of pounds , who is keeping track?

So he's a nasty chancer?

How can you even look at him?

He's basically robbing her.

How much gardening to repay a bloody car? Won't get it done in her lifetime!

Bloody hell OP. I’d be absolutely raging in your shoes.

I couldn’t live with someone who was so superficial and shit with money and telling you bare faced lies too.

I really hope you don’t have children with him as he’s clearly going to continue to prioritise his own selfish interests over the needs of the family. Men like that ALWAYS put themselves first. Even when they’re doing something apparently nice, they’ll be something in it for them.

Sorry, but you need to throw him out for your own sanity and long term bank balance.

Tell that to two friends whose spouses ran off leaving debts the bank, HMRC and courts didn't agree

Former solicitor here. It is certainly not the case that the OP would have any responsibility for the debt. Spouses have no liability for their partners borrowing unless they have agreed to act as guarantor or that the lending is secured on their house.

Those saying it’s his choice and money clearly haven’t READ THE THREAD!

Hes got a loan from a little old lady he does a bit of gardening for! Even if it grazes past being legal, morally what he’s done is awful and completely LTB level.

planned for, and agreed debt which you have a timeline for and have budgeted for is completely different circumstances. Even buying without conferring might be passable if you are in agreement that you work like that TOGETHER in a marriage. This is not how the OP says they work and can afford to.

OP whatever he’s said he’s borrowed I’m willing to bet it’s more.

This would relate to debts that are secured against a house or taken out in their name (illegally I would assume) the loan with the old lady will not be unsecured and not in ops name. Unless theirs a written contract with her name forged on it (highly doubt that)

I know two families, the spouses forged the signatures the bank didn't agree HMRC didn't agree . Honestly men/women like this are consummate liars. They're like icebergs you only see the surface of them. He's self employed god only knows how he's juggling the books, because they do. It's part of the thrill.

What the fuck?! Have you even read the OP's posts in the slightest?

There are some odd thinking's there. Are you sure he isn't manic?

Yes, I will.
Or rather I won't because I have pretty much accepted that my marriage is over.

I wish I knew what he needed more money for.

He mostly does the garden in warmer months.

@Hugasauras (and others) I can see how it looks borrowing from this lady. However I have been fairly close to both of this couple over a decade and she has absolutely made the decision to lend him this money because of her very strong religious principles and beliefs. Her husband is a retired lawyer and also very much in command of his faculties so I don't think he's scamming them. But I do think he should have at least mentioned it before he did it.
On a moral level, I don't see how he's going to work it off as it would take years, and I think he is a knob for even asking them.