My husband has bought a car behind my back

[PinocchiosWife]

My husband seems to think that this is perfectly reasonable behaviour and I should actually be delighted.

Sorry for the length, didn't want to drip feed!

For context, we have been really struggling with money for a number of years. We had an old banger to get around in, and it was due it's MOT and supposedly booked in for it on a Monday a few weeks ago. I went away for a week working on the Friday before this.

When I returned I was surprised (to say the least) to find this lovely plush car picking me up. My first question was "where did this come from?“ to which he replied really sarcastically "a garage". I then asked where he'd found the money to pay for it, and he said a loan. He was obviously getting really angry so I didn't ask any more initially.

When he was calmer he told me that our car had failed it's MOT, and that he'd borrowed the money for this new car from some friends. He told me how much the car was, but refused point blank to tell me how much he'd borrowed. Apparently it wasn't like that in his family growing up - his dad would just buy a new car and his mum would just say oh that's lovely dear. Because of this he's unable to tell me about big financial decisions. 😂

Anyway a little while later, I discovered that not only that the car was more than he'd said, but also that he'd borrowed much more than the cost of the car. I also found out that the previous car had never even been for it's MOT, but had been traded in for the new car. The biggest shocker to me was that the new car had arrived on the Saturday (a day after I'd left on the work trip). He'd not mentioned any of this at the time despite speaking to me on the phone every day.

When I asked him about this, he said he didn't have to tell me how much he'd borrowed, and continued lying about the cost of the car. Then he said that I didn't trust him, didn't communicate, and proceeded to be horribly angry at me for another week.

So, if you've read all of that malarkey, congrats!
Aibu to expect that spouses should share this kind of information? Or am I not?
Over to you, wise mumsnetters!

@EllaRaines yes, the lying is about more than this. I think my username says it all really. He has no moral compass.

@Codlingmoths I've spoken to her and she says that it is not my debt at all, and if she passes before it's repaid it will be written off.

Why is it controlling to want to know where the money came from to buy what the OP has described as a ‘plush’ car, at a time when they’re struggling financially ? And if my partner was buying cars with loans, I wouldn’t be assuming that the financial burden was his alone, because if he defaults his creditors can come after his share of any assets you own jointly.

That’s not my experience. A friends’ husband ran up unsecured debt, which was in his name only. His creditors still took him to court to recover the debts from his share of jointly owned assets including their home.

@yipeeyiyayIs he always rude, dismissive and a misogynist?

Recently, yes!

I hope he has that in writing !!

I would go and speak to the lady who he lent the money off. Get the truth from the horses mouth. Then I would decide where to go from there. If he doesn’t think it’s wrong, and it has happened before, I would seriously re-think if you want to stay with him. It will most definitely happen again and again and again.

Oh dear He doesn't even care what you think
Even if he is paying the old lady back by working He is depriving you of household income
God knows how many years it would take to repay
Also to correct a common misinterpretation
Solo debts are not taken into account from your settlement but in any case I'd set the divorce into motion
( my ex DH was still in 25k debt on divorce)

Yanbu. So sorry you’re being treated like this, I know how it feels it’s awful, my advice is to get out if you can as it won’t stop unless he gets a fright. However borrowing from a neighbour would give me the ick outwith all the lying and disrespect

He’s done it in a sneaky way by “working it off”. That’s money lost as future potential earnings. Money he could have earned. Doing it this way he’s trying to alter your perception of this since no money actually changed hands.

As often seems to happen, the first comment gets it in one. Honestly this is the only answer you need, OP.

"Strong religous principles". Really? Which verse of the bible applauds/supports her actively colluding with your husband (not some vague part time boyfriend-ish bloke) to keep secret financial dealings which have the power to wreck your life.

One wonders what stories of your 'cruelty' she has been fed or is she just not bothered about another woman's welfare.

In your shoes, I would not be describing her as a friend.

I'm really glad you came back to the thread, OP, this must be a horrible read for you. For all of our shock (and indignation) at this, this is your actual life.

So they didn’t purse your friend then. 🤪

Sounds just like my ex dh who seems to think its fine to get 2 credit cards and put thousands of pounds of debt on them without saying anything. Even now I know he has moved one balance to the other as it was a good deal but he hasn't said anything - and he refuses to get a job ( or leave our house) so I'm the one paying them off ( very slowly )

He's not greek by any chance is he? To my ex dh (who refuses to leave or discuss our divorce or get a job) the truth is a foreign country. Just yesterday he picked me up from work and I said the back seats is full of rubbish (and I removed it as my friend was also getting a lift). Just a statement of truth and I didn't raise my voice or anything and he replied do I want a lift home or not and hasn't spoken to me since then. The car is in my name and he wouldn't be able to afford the petrol if I wasn't working.

@Manthide Why are you paying off your husband’s credit cards? They are in his name, yes? If your bank account is in joint names, take him off it. Or if he’s first named on it - open your own and get your salary paid into it. Cut off his access to your income.

I’m guessing there’s no cooling off period if he paid cash? Use a benefits calculator to see what you would get as a single person (not sure if you have dc) if he moved out. Then the MIF would not apply.

I would be so bloody FURIOUS

Sorry OP but I would be very concerned about this kind of behaviour. He's being secretive over large sums of money and acting as though debts like this shouldn't concern you. I'd be furious

They deserve each other. I feel sorry for the elderly woman

My ex DH kept doing shit like this ( wouldn’t have conned an old lady though, that’s just disgusting ). He had everything he wanted and I had sod all. The last last straw was the motorbike he came home with one day, not even a car I could have driven. I dumped him. He ended up destitute and in debt, which gave me no joy, and I ended up ok and in credit.

Thank you all for your replies. Just to be absolutely clear, I don't think any of what he has done is right, in any way. I estimate it'll take him 2-3 years to pay off, and it'll be interesting to see if he does when he can no longer rely on my income to support him.

I have always looked up to the elderly couple and have been gobsmacked to realise that they effectively condone what he has done. All I can think is that he's lied to them too, because I can't believe they would deliberately cause me pain without feeling that they had a good reason. So I really genuinely wasn't sure if I was overreacting.

This is not the first time he's lied about stuff of this magnitude and I can no longer live with it.

I posted on here thinking that if the poll was over 80% in my favour, I'd file for divorce. Given that 1187 of you have voted, and that 98% of you say I'm not being unreasonable, it seems really clear that I need to LTB.

Thank you all for your support, it really has helped. (and to those few that have twisted the knife - get stuffed!)

The credit cards are in his name but he doesn't have his own bank account just the joint one. I do have my own bank account and my wages and child benefit are paid into it but uc is still in joint names (though I have told them we divorced almost 2 years ago). I put money from my account into the joint one as all the bills go out of it. At the moment we are paying about £130 a month off his credit cards.

So this rings alarm bells...

Twice I have bought a car and then told my partner, Infact he makes a joke of it each time either car goes for a service or mot that it better not be going back to the dealer. But each time i have had the money or the small loan has been more than coverable on my wages without impacting him or the kids. And the last car we bought together - and that was a fail as he hates it 🫣

BUT -

1. He cant fund it? How does he plan to pay it back? Is HE expecting YOU to fund this?

1. He has lied - what else could he of lied about

1. Times have changed so what it was different back in the day? Its 2023?! Id be questioning the relationship.

Either he tells the truth or you have to make a decision- sorry but he sounds like a right muppet 🤦‍♀️