Partner leaving me because I called him a cunt

[harrycantdrive]

I’m 6 months pregnant. Around 12 weeks into my pregnancy my partner stopped being positive and happy about it and became distant and quiet, lots of silent treatment, too much drinking (in my opinion anyway) etc etc. On a few occasions I called him a cunt for being so nasty to me without explanation. I text it a few times too. Since then we talked more and I thought we had got back to how things were, however, he came home drunk yesterday and I said this is the start of awful behaviour again, to which he said ‘it will give you an excuse to call me a cunt again…’ I then said I thought he was being a cunt previously and if he starts being nasty again I will think he is a cunt again. (Yes I am aware how childish this sounds written down). He’s now said today that actually he doesn’t want to be with someone who could have called him that and he’s leaving. I am too exhausted to even begin to argue or reason with him. I’m devastated that I will be alone while pregnant, I never wanted that for me or our baby. I keep feeling guilty that I have ruined our family unit by what I said and then the next moment I think hang on, this isn’t on me, he’s been a terrible partner and I lashed out. I get that the relationship is over now regardless, I can’t look at him the same way anymore, but I now carry this consuming guilt that if I hadn’t snapped and used such terrible language that maybe we would have resolved things. I’m so tired and sad.

@stayathomer you literally did not know what it meant?! omg i'm off

Bubblyb00b
I knew what it was just trying to show the people here who think it’s a form of endearment that it officially is an offensive word😅😅😅

I think a lot of people have been brought up very cold and emotionless. I do think there is narcissism in some of these posts. They genuinely can't see it and want to cause the op who is pregnant more upset with a word. Abuse can be emotional as well be careful what you post.

He's pushed you and pushed you. You snapped. That's his excuse. He WAS being a cunt. You said it once. Be calm going forward. He doesn't want to be with you. Own it but be calm on reasoning from now on, there's other words to use - what an arsehole or...the other orifice...

What you said wasn't great by any means but it sounds like he was looking for an out anyway. Do you friends and family that can offer you help and support with your baby?

For some of us especially younger generations that word isn’t worse than any other swear word.

It is not the swear word itself - it is the name calling. You call names when you have contempt for the other person. And contempt is the death knell for any relationship. So whatever the actual word used, the fact that you are calling someone by a term meant to belittle and put them down is a problem. It is shocking how many people on here seem to think it is ok in relationships. Guess that is why the divorce rate is so high.

He’s now said today that actually he doesn’t want to be with someone who could have called him that and he’s leaving.

Mind games. He'll be back.

But obviously, you shouldn't let him. Regardless of the who shares what portion of the blame for bad behaviour, this sounds like a b-a-a-a-d relationship.

I hope you two can find a way to coparent amicably.

What are you talking about?

Hi OP,

Obviously you know you shouldn't use words like that, or name-call at all, but sometimes it's a sign that things have reached such a rock bottom that you almost want to be as destructive and hurtful as possible just to express your anguish and sense of powerlessness. It isn't the right way to respond but it's a bad reaction to a really bad situation, I don't think it means you're an 'abusive' person under normal circumstances.

It doesn't get much more distressing than being treated like shit while you're pregnant, by the person who created that pregnancy with you and is meant to love you. You're trying to create a family and he's crashing about drunk and incoherent smelling of alcohol fumes, basically absenting himself from the whole situation in a way which is worse and more frightening than actually leaving.

He may be struggling with his own 'stuff' but honestly him leaving is, relatively speaking, the decent thing for him to do because you no longer have to try and cope with this when you should be taking care of yourself and looking forward to being a mum. And I don't think he has any business guilt tripping you after the way he behaved. It's true that if you get to the stage of calling your partner a cunt then it's really game over because the respect and trust is obviously gone on both sides, and also true that it's a really awful thing to say, but he completely let you down at your most vulnerable time.

Let him go, let him think you're the bad guy if he's that lacking in self-awareness, and do everything you can to build yourself back up and embrace it being just you and your baby, because you don't need this kind of person pushing your buttons when you're recovering from childbirth and looking after a tiny infant 24 hours a day. He's shown his (lack of) character very clearly here.

Please emotional abuse exists even when you don't realise you are doing it. What you have posted is worse than what she has said. I don't spend my time kicking people when they are down. Its time you go and find a new hobby.

Also - this!

@timetorefresh your reply is way worse than anything op has said

This absolutely !

So many unkind thoughtless comments to a very upset, hurt pregnant woman .....

What do you mean? This is spot on. It's not saying a word that makes it verbal abuse, it's the manner and intent it's said with. Dno how that isn't clear. Some people on the thread have fixated on the word and not the context in which it's been said which is pretty disingenuous.

Saying all this OP, toxic relationships can make people do really out of character things. It's not that you've caved in to your turmoil and lashed out that is the main problem IMO, it's more the justification of your own behaviour and refusal to see it as a problem that is hitting people sideways. It's much better for you to realise that reacting in the way you have is not acceptable, but it doesn't make his behaviour any more acceptable either.

At the end of the day your partner has let you down fundamentally, you guys clearly don't have the will to sort it out, it sounds like you need to look to moving on and focusing on your baby

What you have posted is worse than what she has said

What did I post that was so bad - that you're kicking someone who is already down? That's just true.

It really was vile. I hope OP didn't see that.

This is pretty abuser-y behaviour tbh.

It's not you, it's him. He put you under intolerable stress and was cool as a cucumber while seeing you getting more and more upset, please don't feel bad for correctly labelling his appalling behaviour.

Your partner seems to have been behaving exactly as you named it. You never want to allow it to get to that point again, especially when you're dealing with a man who remains cold and unshaken while you get upset. You're definitely better off without him. It's difficult, but it will be better. All the best, enjoy being a good mamma without this stress xx

Thanks @CandlelightGlow - can only imagine the other poster did not want to understand. OP, sometimes we act the way we wish we had not. Whatever the reason, we need to accept responsibility, decide what to do differently and move on. His behaviour was awful. So was yours. Perhaps less awful, but still not ok. You are better off not around someone where you get to that level.

In my original comment, I acknowledged that she was stressed over her partners behaviour. She was pushed to her limits. But for me and in my family, no matter how pushed, there are lines you don't cross. It's perfectly possible to express anger without continually verbally calling someone a cunt and repeatedly texting it too. There are lots of ways to say someone is behaving horribly. Lots. And I accept calling someone a cunt is one of them and some people are OK with that. But for me it's not a form of insult I'm prepared to put up with because it shows such a lack of respect and affection that I don't want to be with someone like that.

Sounds like the trash took itself out.

He has been treating you terribly for ages.

He has been moody, argumentative, giving you the silent treatment.

You snapped and called him a cunt so he can blame you for his shitty behaviour.

You're pregnant and vulnerable and HE has walked out on you and your baby.

Good riddance to the cunt.

No, but I do respect others and expect respect in return.
I get you like being called cunt. It's funny and commonplace for you. But I wasn't brought up in your surroundings. Where I come from, it's an awful, disrespectful word. I have a right not to be called amd texted it on a regular basis. I wouldn't want to be with someone who regularly nastily called and texted me a skanky whore, either. What sort of relationship is that that you would willingly stay in?

He put her through hell and like the rest of them on here focused on her reaction. He was arrested for being drink and disorderly before she called him that and he is one. I didn't think your first post was helpful to her situation. She did post if she wasn't pregnant she would have walked a long time ago.

I see a vulnerable pregnant woman who tried to make it work with someone who treated her badly. She's unlucky that she met a cunt.