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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Partner leaving me because I called him a cunt

462 replies

harrycantdrive · 20/06/2023 15:45

I’m 6 months pregnant. Around 12 weeks into my pregnancy my partner stopped being positive and happy about it and became distant and quiet, lots of silent treatment, too much drinking (in my opinion anyway) etc etc. On a few occasions I called him a cunt for being so nasty to me without explanation. I text it a few times too. Since then we talked more and I thought we had got back to how things were, however, he came home drunk yesterday and I said this is the start of awful behaviour again, to which he said ‘it will give you an excuse to call me a cunt again…’ I then said I thought he was being a cunt previously and if he starts being nasty again I will think he is a cunt again. (Yes I am aware how childish this sounds written down). He’s now said today that actually he doesn’t want to be with someone who could have called him that and he’s leaving. I am too exhausted to even begin to argue or reason with him. I’m devastated that I will be alone while pregnant, I never wanted that for me or our baby. I keep feeling guilty that I have ruined our family unit by what I said and then the next moment I think hang on, this isn’t on me, he’s been a terrible partner and I lashed out. I get that the relationship is over now regardless, I can’t look at him the same way anymore, but I now carry this consuming guilt that if I hadn’t snapped and used such terrible language that maybe we would have resolved things. I’m so tired and sad.

OP posts:
HostaLuago · 21/06/2023 13:35

Sounds like he wasn't fully on board with the pregnancy, was it planned ?

Which is worse, being called a cunt or abandoning someone whilst pregnant and leaving them to a life whereby the child has no father and the mother has no partner.

Yeah he's a cunt, but I've feeling there's more to this story, op is 39, not a young mother, there's probably a back story with other relationships in the background.

Op is your partner the same age as you ?
Did either of you leave relationships for this union ?

Comtesse · 21/06/2023 14:05

You are well rid. You were pretty rude to him but frankly it sounds like he deserves it.

bringincrazyback · 21/06/2023 14:13

MovingBird123 · 21/06/2023 08:40

Maybe he started feeling nervous, hence become quiet and withdrawn. I would have rather made sure that he was OK, and explained that his behaviour was really hurting you before insulting him like that. DH and I often go through lows that have nothing to do with the other, but just need a bit of space and support. I would never tolerate being called that word in a relationship.

He doesn't sound like the nervous, quiet or withdrawn type to me.

Honestly the lengths some people are going to on this thread to blame the OP and let her abusive spouse off the hook.

Sigmama · 21/06/2023 14:16

Once you start calling someone a cunt, you are lowering your self to their level

Dalekjastninerels · 21/06/2023 14:25

OP

I think for whatever reason he is not happy about your pregnancy, so he behaved like a cunt (Yes!) on purpose to make you call him one.

Anyway it is up to the both of you to sort it out (whether you stay in a relationship or not) for your baby's sake.

Lochjeda · 21/06/2023 14:30

Sounds like he has been being a cunt! Do you really want a partner round a little baby and you when you are sleep deprived and vulnerable who is drinking to excess anyway and not supportive and negative?

Florissante · 21/06/2023 14:49

Neither the OP nor her partner sound very immature. I can't see how they are going to co-parent.

Florissante · 21/06/2023 14:49

Sigmama · 21/06/2023 14:16

Once you start calling someone a cunt, you are lowering your self to their level

If you call someone that, it shows that you have no respect for them and that one or the other should leave.

BastetsWhiskers · 21/06/2023 15:03

Sigmama · 21/06/2023 14:16

Once you start calling someone a cunt, you are lowering your self to their level

This is the problem, if someone starts treating you badly in ways in which you wouldn't expect a decent person to behave it does take its toll and it's possible to react in ways which make you dislike yourself.

OP pick yourself up and readjust. At present it's just not working. And breathe!

Florissante · 21/06/2023 15:14

BastetsWhiskers · 21/06/2023 15:03

This is the problem, if someone starts treating you badly in ways in which you wouldn't expect a decent person to behave it does take its toll and it's possible to react in ways which make you dislike yourself.

OP pick yourself up and readjust. At present it's just not working. And breathe!

Show quote history

If someone starts verbally abusing you it does take its toll.

There's no evidence that the OP dislikes herself.

AlfietheSchnauzer · 21/06/2023 15:15

He needs to grow the f up! Though you already know this of course Flowers I'm a lone parent (widowed so no co-parent) and I promise you, it's so sooo much easier than you think it's going to be. I mean, it's hard at times of course but not as bad as I imagined it, anyway. You can do this

BastetsWhiskers · 21/06/2023 15:18

Florissante · 21/06/2023 15:14

If someone starts verbally abusing you it does take its toll.

There's no evidence that the OP dislikes herself.

Show quote history

It's pretty obvious the OP feels ashamed

whynotwhatknot · 21/06/2023 15:52

he abuses her though slent treatment getting drunk and then arrested and never apologises

my dsis ex used to ths-wind her up but very calmly til she exploded and then he said she wa sbeing irritional

SerenChocolateMuncher · 21/06/2023 17:23

I am disappointed at how harsh some posters are being towards you.

In my opinion he deliberately behaved in a way that made you upset and angry, so that he could walk out and pretend it was all your fault.

Calling him a cunt wasn't nice, but the word has lost a lot of its ability to offend by overuse, so going all "Victorian maiden aunt" about it is a bit disingenuous. It was an extreme response to his very bad behaviour.

I do not believe it would be sufficient for a man to leave a loved partner and unborn child unless he was looking for an excuse to leave anyway. His own behaviour has been far worse than a bit of name-calling and if he had any self-awareness and wanted to be a good partner and father he would understand that and be more forgiving.

Don't torture yourself with thinking you would be looking forward to raising your child in a happy family with him if you hadn't called him a cunt. The outcome would have been the same whatever you did. He wanted out and found an excuse. He is a cunt and you are better off without him. ❤

Epidote · 22/06/2023 06:24

I got the felling that if OP would call him a poor troubled man/ selfish/ immature the outcome would be the same.

I don't have proof of it but his behaviour speak very loud as a clue for the feeling I got.

bumblebee2235 · 22/06/2023 07:09

I'm surprised that when someone ignores you turns up drunk, poor behaviour to the point of arrest that we are not meant to react. That your expected to be disrespected. Perhaps OP you should take abhorrent behaviour refer to them as a silly goose then ensure you get the right advice from the morally correct brigade. I always thought you call a spade a spade. Act like a twat be called a twat. It's not like you swore at him for coming home late... he was arrested as even the police deemed his behaviour appalling. I'd throw in a few more words.

Jux · 24/06/2023 18:40

sigmama why thank you for those pearls of wisdom.

BTW, I have been registered user of MN since 2005, though I had lurked for a good few years, in fact since I had problems with getting dd into a decent sleep routine and she was born in 1999, so probably almost as soon as MN started. I'm aware of how threads work here and posters too, generally.

Also, as I've been alive for well over 60 years I'm fairly aware of how people work as a general rule. Despite my many many years on the planet I am apparently not senile yet either - I'm quids in!

I have been married since 1997 too, to the same man with whom I still live; we have had peaks and troughs, as have most of my friends and most of the people I know except a few newly weds perhaps. I think I'm au fait with the general run of how relationships work.

But thanks for making sure I'm up to date with it all.

Bryonny84 · 24/06/2023 18:50

Sorry, if anyone called me that I'm out. It is the worst, nastiest word in my eyes. Move on.

Sigmama · 24/06/2023 18:55

Jux, I was merely pointing out that whether someone is a cunt or not is not quite as black and white as you made out, sorry to offend, we all have different ways of seeing the world

swimlyn · 25/06/2023 19:56

For the life of me I really can’t see how someone’s relationship would hinge on just one word that is ‘too far’. I’m astonished that we’re still at 55/45% on this AIBU. Perhaps your marriage contract should include a list of words that you will/won’t accept?

Everything else including drunken aggression, fine, but THAT word, oh no.

So silly.

For a lot of posters here, the situation, the background, the context doesn’t seem to matter at all, just the use of one word. Surreal…

Maybe it’s a lack of experience of life. Jux explains it well. It seems from the % score, that in general, half of women in relationships would be content with the abuse, until the ‘magic’ word is uttered…

Florissante · 26/06/2023 08:23

MN finds out that different people see the world differently.

Film at 11.

Florissante · 26/06/2023 08:24

MNer

swimlyn · 26/06/2023 17:22

Not sure where you’re going here Florissante?

I see 50% of women having no problem at all with the partner’s bullying, arrest for drinking to excess, and then abuse of a pregnant woman. 😥

SideEyeSally · 26/06/2023 18:02

I think she used a pretty accurate term for a man who chooses to get continually drunk and abusive to his pregnant partner.

Tiddlypomtiddlypom · 26/06/2023 19:21

Really cannot believe that people are saying the pregnant OP calling someone a cunt, is as bad, if not worse than the abusive, perpetually drunk, cruel man who is treating his pregnant partner like shit out of the blue, and being arrested for being drunk and disorderly.

I see a vulnerable woman pushed to the limit by the abusive actions of a horrible man.