Partner leaving me because I called him a cunt

[harrycantdrive]

I’m 6 months pregnant. Around 12 weeks into my pregnancy my partner stopped being positive and happy about it and became distant and quiet, lots of silent treatment, too much drinking (in my opinion anyway) etc etc. On a few occasions I called him a cunt for being so nasty to me without explanation. I text it a few times too. Since then we talked more and I thought we had got back to how things were, however, he came home drunk yesterday and I said this is the start of awful behaviour again, to which he said ‘it will give you an excuse to call me a cunt again…’ I then said I thought he was being a cunt previously and if he starts being nasty again I will think he is a cunt again. (Yes I am aware how childish this sounds written down). He’s now said today that actually he doesn’t want to be with someone who could have called him that and he’s leaving. I am too exhausted to even begin to argue or reason with him. I’m devastated that I will be alone while pregnant, I never wanted that for me or our baby. I keep feeling guilty that I have ruined our family unit by what I said and then the next moment I think hang on, this isn’t on me, he’s been a terrible partner and I lashed out. I get that the relationship is over now regardless, I can’t look at him the same way anymore, but I now carry this consuming guilt that if I hadn’t snapped and used such terrible language that maybe we would have resolved things. I’m so tired and sad.

@Gracewithoutend hahahaa you win, I'm off to to wallow in filth. don't forget to feed your unicorns.

@Gracewithoutend but seriously, emotionally abusing a pregnant girlfriend is ok in your book, as long as no rude words are used?

also, you are being unbelievable rude, and I'd imagine quite deliberately, which shows that you can be nasty and horrible to others without ever calling them cunts.

Funny isn't it, if this was the other way round (him calling you a cunt) we would all be calling it an abusive relationship !!

She has owned what she said but posters have continued to berate her. He was arrested for being drink and disorderly who puts up with that nonsense. He must have been a nightmare to live with. He's lucky that's all she called him.

Yeah if you strip away every single other very pertinent detail, sure. 🙄

@Geo42 I never said it was ok. but everyone seem to ignore excessive drinking, silent treatment, nastiness - all towards a vulnerable pregnant partner. kind of a bit of a victim blaming going on here. a lot of people quickly started to show off their halos and saying its unacceptable, mon dieu ce n'est pas possible I'm about to faint )))
if man was in a compatible situation (vulnerable, helpless, hurt) and the woman in a position of power abusing him than yes, I'd say he was a victim.

Please do tell people how he’s behaved. I too would leave my husband if he called me a cunt, but you should leave him anyway for how he’s behaved. So move on from how you behaved and tell people what he did. As far as he goes when he goes on about it calmly say yes I was a very upset pregnant woman, I should have just kicked you out I know. Anyway it’s over now. I have my baby to think about and won’t talk about this again.

He started it with his cunty behaviour. Let him go.

I don't for a second believe a man like this is so incredibly sensitive that he even truly cares the ops called him a name.

Also agree.
One of the worst words to use, even as I'm sat here I'm wondering what type of person uses that word anyway, not someone that cares for their partner surly.

OP, I'm surprised he hung around long enough for you to continue calling him a C* and by the sound of it quite a few times.

Was he "nasty" or just distant?
Being distant doesn't = nasty.

Since then we talked more and I thought we had got back to how things were is that also

He may have things on his mind and feels he can't talk to you about what's bothering him.

Dramatic Deirdre’s out ‘Sat there wondering what person uses that word’.

I’d hazard a wild guess at, a stressed & pregnant one who has a boyfriend that is a nasty drunk. Who doesn’t have the courage to leave his pregnant girlfriend as he doesn’t want to look bad so acts shitty so she ends up at a low point & calls him a cunt. Then, he magically has a reason to leave where the blame is all
on her.

Op he was acting like a cunt and you called him one. I wouldn't be sorry at all. I dont think its emotionally abusive either shes not berating him every minute she said it in a argument!

If he doesn't want to be insulted with strong swear words, he should try acting like a responsible father to be. He's created this situation and it's a very convenient escape route for him to avoid facing up to the consequences of his behaviour and make OP look bad.

Let him go. He doesn't deserve to come back.

Make sure that when the time comes you register baby with your name and without him on the birth certificate or you may well have to keep defering to him for the next 18 years.

Dramatic Deirdre’s out ‘Sat there wondering what person uses that word’😂

Me!😃

@Bubblyb00b
but seriously, emotionally abusing a pregnant girlfriend is ok in your book, as long as no rude words are used?

I don't know where you get that from anything I've said? I've acknowledged that he'd pushed her emotionally and she was angry. I don't blame her for having a go at him or even ending the relationship. But if you're(staying) in a relationship, for me, there is a line you don't cross. As I also said before, I could forgive it the first time, maybe even the second. But if it became a pattern as it has become here, of my partner calling me certain words, like cunt or, as I said previously, skanky whore, then I'd be done with the relationship. I cannot even imagine how I'd feel for my friends or relative to open my phone and see him talking to me like that.

I don't know why I've been rude to you. Because I said you're comfortable with being called cunt? If I got that wrong I apologise. I thought I'd read that it was a common word around you. Maybe that was a different person? If so I'm sorry. But you did equate using the word with my having quaint, prudish Victorian behaviour which would sort of imply you're comfortable with the word being used around you or to you. Again, if that wasn't your intended position, I apologise.

Bottom line for me:
Her partner behaved appallingly. (I'd have left him but then I'm not pregnant.)
She would have left him if not pregnant.
She tried to make the relationship work.
While trying, she repeatedly called and texted he was a cunt.
To me calling someone a cunt, shows a lack of respect and affection (which might very well be because she felt neither of those things).
I wouldn't stay in a relationship where it was being demonstrated to me on a regular basis that my partner had no respect or affection for me.

I meant the comments to the op was berating her about the word she used. Some of the comments to the op was insensitive. She's a pregnant woman and I am sure she said her pregnancy is high risk. The emotional abuse was to the posters not the op. I agree he is a cunt.

I rest my case!

Totally agree

You are 39 op, is this your first pregnancy ?

Do either of you have children and is this a relatively short relationship, I think the context of this can possibly answer some of the questions of his obnoxious behaviour.

Yes you have been provoked into calling him a cunt and this has given him a poor excuse to abandon you ?

You are seeing the real him, he sounds as though he was too cowardly to tell you the truth.

You both sound messed up. What world do you live in where its ok to call someone that several times over!!!! And he needs to cut drinking and grow up also

I do think he wanted to leave. He flounced about giving his pregnant partner the silent treatment and drinking to excess such that he was arrested for being drunk and disorderly. The OP's pregnancy is not progressing smoothly and she is worried. They have an argument when she snaps after 3 months of trying to jolly this man out of his behaviour and not rising to provocation. She finally calls him a vulgar name and then the next thing he is leaving because she "abused" him. All my sympathies are with OP who is being gaslit by this idiot. He was just looking for a pretext to go as soon as the pregnancy became real to him and it took him 3 months of appalling behaviour to push her into giving him one.

The only good thing though is that he wasn't much of a man to lose. I don't think he'd have been up there in the good dad stakes.

As for all the posters who would leave in the circumstances because they were called a vulgar name, would this be after getting arrested for being drunk and disorderly and giving a pregnant partner the silent treatment for 3 months.

He hasn’t left because you called him a cunt. He has left because he IS a cunt.

His behaviour is his responsibility, you didn't make him drink or make him give you the silent treatment, his body, his mind, his choices, his responsibility. If he felt your behaviour or stress was making him behave badly then he should have seperated or sought help. You are not responsible for his behaviour, just like he isn't responsible for yours.

Things seem toxic from both sides, but you are well out of it and you and your DC will have a much better life without you and ex being in a toxic relationship together. It's not unusual for abuse to be triggered by pregnancy, that may explain why he behaved the way he did. You're not going to ever get more of an answer on this or an apology, you do deserve those things, but they're not going to happen and accepting that might help you find some peace over this.

What happened is done and past, focusing on it, trying to work out who did what and who is to blame will only keep the hurt alive. The best thing you can do is focus on you and your pregnancy and a future with your baby. If after baby is born you find yourself resorting to verbal abuse when exhausted or really stressed please seek some help. It might also be worthwhile getting some counselling to see why you put up with his behaviour especially as it sounds like given the chance you might still get back with him.

If the man had called OP a cunt, everyone would be telling her it was totally unacceptable. Clear double standard here.

The guy sounds like a total knob, though.