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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Partner leaving me because I called him a cunt

462 replies

harrycantdrive · 20/06/2023 15:45

I’m 6 months pregnant. Around 12 weeks into my pregnancy my partner stopped being positive and happy about it and became distant and quiet, lots of silent treatment, too much drinking (in my opinion anyway) etc etc. On a few occasions I called him a cunt for being so nasty to me without explanation. I text it a few times too. Since then we talked more and I thought we had got back to how things were, however, he came home drunk yesterday and I said this is the start of awful behaviour again, to which he said ‘it will give you an excuse to call me a cunt again…’ I then said I thought he was being a cunt previously and if he starts being nasty again I will think he is a cunt again. (Yes I am aware how childish this sounds written down). He’s now said today that actually he doesn’t want to be with someone who could have called him that and he’s leaving. I am too exhausted to even begin to argue or reason with him. I’m devastated that I will be alone while pregnant, I never wanted that for me or our baby. I keep feeling guilty that I have ruined our family unit by what I said and then the next moment I think hang on, this isn’t on me, he’s been a terrible partner and I lashed out. I get that the relationship is over now regardless, I can’t look at him the same way anymore, but I now carry this consuming guilt that if I hadn’t snapped and used such terrible language that maybe we would have resolved things. I’m so tired and sad.

OP posts:
Awoooga · 21/06/2023 04:20

I must be a terrible person then according to a lot of commenters but in my opinion if you don’t want to get called a cunt you don’t act like one.

Lifescary · 21/06/2023 05:51

theGooHasGone · 21/06/2023 04:11

If the man had called OP a cunt, everyone would be telling her it was totally unacceptable. Clear double standard here.

The guy sounds like a total knob, though.

It is totally unacceptable but it's still not as bad as behaving like a cunt.

The behaviour has to be worse than the insult - assuming the insult is accurate.

ChellyT · 21/06/2023 06:23

Comedycook · 20/06/2023 15:48

He wanted to leave...he just needed an excuse.

I'm sorry op

Absolutely this, plain and simple.

I too am sorry op

ChellyT · 21/06/2023 06:24

Awoooga · 21/06/2023 04:20

I must be a terrible person then according to a lot of commenters but in my opinion if you don’t want to get called a cunt you don’t act like one.

👏👏👏

Epidote · 21/06/2023 06:36

I think people is making a big think because a word.

If you treat poorly abuse let say a cat and he scratch your face probably most of the people won't be focusing in the cat saying scratching is a bad thing.

I see here a woman with no much defences and she use an heavy insult to release some pressure of what she was facing.

I wouldn't want him back that is for sure. The relationship was toxic that is another true.

BackAgainstWall · 21/06/2023 06:58

NO - THIS IS ON HIM

He’s obviously pushed you and pushed you with his terrible behaviour, whilst you’ve been very vulnerable and pregnant. It’s disgraceful behaviour on his part.

You’ve unsurprisingly reacted very badly, and now you are the villain and it’s all your ‘fault.’

It’s a classic scenario and it makes you look very bad and he gets off (and out) scott-free.

Don’t ever blame yourself, it’s what he wanted, otherwise he would never have treated you so poorly in the first place.

You can’t perhaps see it now, but you will be far better off without this dead-weight causing you upset and letting you down all the time. It’s no way to live.

Good luck you will be fine 💐💐💐

UndercoverCop · 21/06/2023 07:07

Where I grew up calling someone a cunt can be a term of affection, it certainly isn't something to be more horrified by any more than any other swear word (the reasons it is are steeped in misogyny but this is neither the time nor the place).
Ultimately it doesn't matter what his narrative is, he's unlikely to tell people I was drinking heavily, out of control, being nasty daily to my pregnant partner , my behaviour was so bad I got arrested. It's much easier for him to not accept responsibility for his behaviour by blanking the language you used.
Does calling him a cunt cover you in glory? Probably not.
But remember you called him a cunt because he was repeatedly being one and who wants to be with a cunt? You're better off out of it and it doesn't matter what he believes about the ending of the relationship, you're out and that's only a good thing.

FelisCatus0 · 21/06/2023 07:15

If my partner called me a cunt I'd leave him, because it's a misogynistic, abusive and disgusting way to talk about a female. However, it sounds like your partner is a deadbeat who never wanted the baby. He is not someone you'd want to breed with, he will be a deadbeat father. Give the child your name and try and keep him out of your child's life as much as possible. He sounds like he is a drunken self-destructive man who doesn't want to give up his teens/twenties and wants to live a single life of freedom without the responsibilities of being a father. Give him that by having as little to do with him as possible.

walkingismedicine · 21/06/2023 07:35

Radiohat · 20/06/2023 20:46

WTF - we have a devastated pregnant woman who is obviously upset - the patner has said he wants out because she called him a "Cunt" - he was drunk- was arrested and is upset because she used the word "Cunt" to describe his behaviour 🙄

Talk about putting the boot in when she is upset and deverstated - she should be happy and excited about her baby & not upset that she called him a "Cunt" he has turned his bad behaviour on her - he acted like one and she was pushed to use the word "Cunt" - she has been belittled by his behaviour and he is taking the moral high ground .

He sounds vile & she sounds completely - vulnerable, upset, deverstated- she is pregnant and is hurting due to his behaviour!
she is being manipulated by this man - He has not addressed his actions & has said he wants to end the relationship because she called him a "Cunt" because of his behaviour.

To all those that are putting her down have a little kindness she did not want to be in the situation that HE put her in .....

There are too many cruel people on this post - they should try and think out of the box - a word that was said / texted in frustration 🙄!

You should be trying to support her & not be putting the boot in to make her feel worse than she already does. Her state of mind is already fragile- some of these self-righteous comments are spiteful and will be upsetting for her . Do you really want to be that person that makes her feel even worse.

I am sickened by those people who are so perfect - there is a word I could use to describe them - they already know that word 😉

To the poster of this thread please speak to someone with some empathy with your situation 💗

Samaritans 116 123

They may be able to give you some support and point you in another direction.

Sending you my support ❤️

Well said 👏👏👏👏
I can't believe the judgement against OP, horrible people

gannett · 21/06/2023 08:13

I now carry this consuming guilt that if I hadn’t snapped and used such terrible language that maybe we would have resolved things.

Please stop feeling guilty OP. Please stop over-analysing the should'ves and could'ves. The relationship sounded absolutely toxic and trying to resolve it or fight for it would have just caused both of you even more pain. You might not realise it yet but it's good that the relationship ended, and even if he behaved badly in every other way his decision to walk away might have been the best thing he did for you.

It's not about villains or heroes, that's over-dramatic language. It's just a breakup between two people who were incompatible and brought out the worst in each other. It's time to move on because whatever the future holds for you has to be better than that relationship.

Bellabon · 21/06/2023 08:19

Tiny2018 · 20/06/2023 15:51

I honestly think that when a couple get to the point where they are calling each other names, it's pretty much game over, there's really no coming back from it.

I absolutely agree with this

Thereoughttobeclowns · 21/06/2023 08:22

As others have said, the relationship sounds utterly toxic.

when there’s no respect, selfish behaviour and name-calling - it’s time to move on.

GCalltheway · 21/06/2023 08:22

walkingismedicine · 21/06/2023 07:35

Well said 👏👏👏👏
I can't believe the judgement against OP, horrible people

Being pregnant does not give you carte Blanche to abusive. If op was upset with her dp there were other ways to deal with it.

MovingBird123 · 21/06/2023 08:40

Maybe he started feeling nervous, hence become quiet and withdrawn. I would have rather made sure that he was OK, and explained that his behaviour was really hurting you before insulting him like that. DH and I often go through lows that have nothing to do with the other, but just need a bit of space and support. I would never tolerate being called that word in a relationship.

Motnight · 21/06/2023 08:42

Thereoughttobeclowns · 21/06/2023 08:22

As others have said, the relationship sounds utterly toxic.

when there’s no respect, selfish behaviour and name-calling - it’s time to move on.

This.

ActDottie · 21/06/2023 08:46

The C word is literally the worst! I can’t imagine calling anyone the c word ever! I think you need to reflect a bit and imagine if he called you something horrible how you would feel.

Mustardseed86 · 21/06/2023 08:48

Maybe he started feeling nervous, hence become quiet and withdrawn. I would have rather made sure that he was OK, and explained that his behaviour was really hurting you before insulting him like that.

Er...she did? For weeks at a time by the sounds of it. She's the one who's pregnant, how much energy should she spend hand-holding Mr Drunk and disorderly? God forbid she has her own needs and emotions eh?

JudgeAnderson · 21/06/2023 08:50

The C word is literally the worst! I can’t imagine calling anyone the c word ever!

Really, worse than being arrested for being drunk and disorderly?

I wouldn't like to be called a cunt in anger but if I'd done something truly terrible then it would be warranted. The trick is not to act like a cunt.

LarkspurLane · 21/06/2023 08:54

JudgeAnderson · 21/06/2023 08:50

The C word is literally the worst! I can’t imagine calling anyone the c word ever!

Really, worse than being arrested for being drunk and disorderly?

I wouldn't like to be called a cunt in anger but if I'd done something truly terrible then it would be warranted. The trick is not to act like a cunt.

It seems to a lot of people on here, that yes it is.
They would instantly end a relationship over this, while happily spending time saying "are you ok?" to their drunk and disorderly husband.

I think that any relationship that descends into this kind of name calling needs to end but I have more hope for OP finding happiness and love again than whoever ends up with her DP.

Hotsummerlatenightstrolls · 21/06/2023 09:36

GCalltheway · 21/06/2023 08:22

Being pregnant does not give you carte Blanche to abusive. If op was upset with her dp there were other ways to deal with it.

He's lucky that's all she called him. Would you put up with a drunk who gets arrested because of his out of control drinking. She is the abusive one are you trying to emotionally get at the op and hurt her more. He was rotten to her and you think that's okay. I know who was the abusive one in that relationship and it weren't her.

Florissante · 21/06/2023 09:38

OP, you were verbally abusive to your former partner on multiple occasions.

Hotsummerlatenightstrolls · 21/06/2023 09:40

ActDottie · 21/06/2023 08:46

The C word is literally the worst! I can’t imagine calling anyone the c word ever! I think you need to reflect a bit and imagine if he called you something horrible how you would feel.

You know what how he was treating her she probably felt awful mothering a drunk and she's pregnant. You made that comment to the op I never knew until reading this thread that people like you existed.

Hotsummerlatenightstrolls · 21/06/2023 09:45

Florissante · 21/06/2023 09:38

OP, you were verbally abusive to your former partner on multiple occasions.

He was drunk on multiple occasions she tried mothering him while she was pregnant and was at the end of her tether when he was arrested for being drink and disorderly. He's lucky she didn't call him worse what a despicable creature he is. He pushed and pushed her. You call them for what he is a cunt.

OneTC · 21/06/2023 09:57

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2pence · 21/06/2023 13:22

What's the situation now @harrycantdrive ?

Has he packed up his things and gone?