Should I report my work colleague to HR?

[donniedarko89]

New colleague in my team, more senior than me, we both report to the same manager. He's been very defensive of his time, deflecting some meetings, camera turned off etc. This morning he said his kid (2yo) was at home and he would have to drop out of our Teams meeting at times, as his partner also had work calls. I asked if the kid was sick, he said no he's fine - he just stays at home. I said juggling work & childcare gives me lockdown flashbacks, to which he replied: "well obviously you don't enjoy spending time with your kid".

Now, I have two big issues with the above:

1. Why is my whole salary going into childcare, and this person who gets paid more than me thinks it's OK to have a full-time job without using childcare?
2. How dare he judge my parenting in such a petty, horrible way?

I screenshotted his horrible comment but not sure whether I should report this. I don't want to sound too petty or like a tattle-tale, but I have rarely been so floored by a similar comment made in a work context. My boss doesn't like meddling into our arguments, but this must be surely worth his attention? What would you do?

Report him. He's a prick

I'd hang fire, but keep a record.

I would mind my own business

Mind your business. Don’t be so bitter

No I’d report, but my work would not be happy with me parenting and working at the same time this would not be acceptable unless a one off.

you cannot be a good parent and a good employee without childcare both will suffer. I’m all for flexible working but doing childcare whilst working is not flexible working particularly if you have to drop out of meetings.

Think I'd keep a note of similar instances and then once you've got a few (more than a handful) I'd be reporting. Especially if his deflection is causing issues. Unless we have network issues our default for Teams meeting is camera on/sound off unless you are speaking.

I’d hold back, but gather a log- I’d then raise it to your manager if there are multiple instances that you are finding it difficult working with him when calls are so disjointed and he isn’t focused. Get evidence of the lack of focus- hope others notice too.

drop the fact that “it isn’t fair”, get actual evidence that it isn’t working- it is harder for your boss an HR to dismiss that generalised grumbling against a colleague

Mind your own OP.

Busybodies are the worst.

I wouldn't report because of the comment, but I would let your boss know that he missed part of the meeting because he was looking after his DC.

Like others I think you should maybe not report just yet but keep the info in case something like this happens again. I would also not cover up that he is looking after his child while he should be working.

Think I would be tempted to approach HR and confirm that there is no issue with you keeping your kids at home while you're working as the precedent has been set. But it would be the petty way to deal with it.

Would be more frustrated that I couldn't have an adult conversation with my boss, rather then them not wanting to get involved.
I manage people, I take their problems seriously because I want a happy team working for me. And will resolve conflict where I can.

Point 1, you can raise your concerns with your manager if you think this person isn't pulling their weight but it's up to your manager whether they take any action or not. Maybe they are aware of the person's arrangements and this counts as a "reasonable adjustment" in working terms.

I think not wanting to work outside of your working hours or not always wanting to be on camera in Teams meetings is a perfectly reasonable way to behave.

Point 2, it sounds like this was a text chat comment. Text chat is terrible for making comments that are meant to be jokey or friendly but are interpreted as rude or offensive. I can see why you took it the way you did, I might do some days and might not on others. That comment alone doesn't give a true indication of what he intended though.

You can go to your manager over either incident. If they're any good their priority will be to get you two together and smooth out your differences. If that's not possible then they will have to weigh up whether either of you are being unreasonable and take action accordingly.

Your colleague has been rude and would definitely keep that screenshot. Next time have a planned response to that type of comment and make it positive about your kids expanding their knowledge / making friends etc.

In terms of doing the job, this all depends on whether you are assessed on targets / output or hours put in.

I am measured on output and it gives me flexibility to cover kids being off school and I can put the hours in at night to deliver. I’d struggle to manage work and kids without that. Leave performance issues with your boss and if you think you outperform your colleague, push for you to progress / get paid more rather than focus on someone else. I appreciate that it’s frustrating but don’t get dragged in to drama when you could focus on you.

Yeh, I think this is right. There are two separate issues here - his ability to do his job well while parenting and his rudeness to you.

The first, his ability to do his job well is his managers business unless it affects your own performance. I think you have to detach your resentment about his childcare arrangements from that.

The rudeness is different. He’s new in post. It could be that he’s on best behaviour and worse is come or it could be that he’s socially inept/ impulsive and as you get to know him this side of either lessens or is outweighed by the good you may start to see in him.

*Your whole salary goes into childcare because you choose to pay for that.

Mind your own business*

Wtf? You think childcare while you are working is a CHOICE? Am I reading that correctly?

Absolutely no chance in hell I would be 'minding my own business'. Your colleague can't do his job, that he is being paid for, because of his childcare responsibilities. He hasn't arranged care for his child during working hours. That impacts all the other employees. It IS the OPs business, if she and her colleagues are picking up the slack.

For what it's worth I'm very pro Flexi, family friendly working and DH and I organise our work around our 3 children a lot. But we never allow childcare to impact our jobs. Lockdown was an emergency and had to happen, I'd never willingly go back to that situation.

I would raise the bit about having a 2 year old at home during the work day but let the rest go for now. Keep a note and if he says more horrible things then you could raise it.

No way would I put up with this.

You cannot work with a young child around, and my employee would be promptly told to sort full time childcare or leave.

This shit ends up infecting the whole team who then think, why am I busting my arse when this prick is getting away with it.

We can't look after children while WFH, one manager was informally warned after letting slip they were working from home as their child couldn't go to nursery.

I'd ask what the official line is regarding this and if its not approved them flag it in.

Feel sorry for the 2yo! I’ve had to try & juggle work & childcare on the odd occasion my LO has been sick & I couldn’t take time off. I felt like a bad parent not giving my LO the attention he deserved & a bad colleague for not giving my job the attention it deserved!

When women are wfh and have to look after children at the same time that is accepted on here, why is a man doing it different?

It’s not an HR issue. They aren’t the workforce police. Speak to your manager, that’s what they are paid to do.

Its classic hipocrisy. Happens a lot on MN.