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Original poster

Who is in the wrong here? Stepchildren

321 replies

feghs111 · 19/06/2023 12:31

My partner has two children aged 18 and 16 from his previous marriage and they live with us 50/50 (week on/week off).

This week is our week, however two weeks ago my OH found out he had to go abroad for work this week. He thought he would turn it into a nice trip with the kids though (he would have to work a bit in the days but they could chill by the pool etc and they could all spend time together in between) and asked them along. SS16 said yes as he has just finished his GCSEs but SS18 said no as he works full-time (left school at 16) and recently went on holiday with his friends and therefore didn't want to take anymore time off. Fair enough, but I asked OH if his mum could look after him for the week rather than stay with me here as I'm super busy at work, don't really have time to be cooking meals in the evening etc (I can just do quick things for me but I would feel under pressure to make food for him when he is home from work etc). Selfishly I was also looking forward to the peace of the place to myself for a week as I never get that.

Unfortunately OH and his ex aren't on the best terms so OH asked SS18 two weeks ago to talk to his mum and see if it was OK he stayed with her the extra week. He said he had spoken to her and she said yes. We confirmed with him again on Thursday last week and he said it was all sorted.

Yesterday was change over day and it transpires SS hadn't asked her at all and just dropped it on her that he wasn't coming back to dad's for the week and was staying with her. She then sends OH a mean voice message saying how he's a terrible parent, always shirking his responsibilities (not true at all, he is a great dad), has no respect for her time etc etc. I do understand why she is put out as she obviously didn't know that the older son was staying with her longer, but we really did think it was all cleared with her as we checked twice.

Also she knew OH had asked SS18 to come with him but he had said no, so she would have known he wasn't in the country this week.

I just feel sorry for my OH as she says really harsh things to him but I think she is overreacting here. OH will send SS18 money for whatever he needs this week.

I have now offered to have SS here but I think that will just cause even more drama!

Do you think we are in the wrong here? Maybe OH should have confirmed with her too but SS is 18 not 8 after all so we should be able to trust him when he says he had cleared it with his mum.

OP posts:
Jilly678 · 19/06/2023 16:23

Does anyone just think what an awful way for these children to live.

SpainToday · 19/06/2023 16:24

I'm waiting for someone to suggest a child minder, after school (work?) clubs and/or wrap around care .... or maybe some playdates??

Behindthelines · 19/06/2023 16:25

This reply has been deleted

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Yousee · 19/06/2023 16:26

NowItsLikeSnowAtTheBeach · 19/06/2023 16:23

Ok, 'watch him' was a poor choice of words

How about 'allow him to stay in his own bedroom in his own home for the week he normally stays there'. Does that work for you?

No, because if anyone has to suck up not having the house to themselves that week it should be his own mother.
She's the one who is literally wanting to send him away. OP just doesn't want him to come so she can get some peace for once.
His mother knew what she was getting into when she gave birth.

WonderDays · 19/06/2023 16:29

I think your DH is the only one in the wrong here, it should have firmed up the arrangements.

NowItsLikeSnowAtTheBeach · 19/06/2023 16:34

So did his stepmother when she married someone with a 50/50 arrangement.

80s · 19/06/2023 16:36

I do understand why she is put out as she obviously didn't know that the older son was staying with her longer, but we really did think it was all cleared with her as we checked twice. Also she knew OH had asked SS18 to come with him but he had said no, so she would have known he wasn't in the country this week.
She knew he wasn't in the country, but she didn't know ss was supposed to be coming to her and she thought the lack of information was your dp's fault - she didn't know it was your ss messing her around, so was reasonably annoyed.
Rude of her to start telling your dp off like a child, obviously. Trouble is, if you start defending yourselves then that kind of keeps you in the child position. Maybe get your ss to make it clear to her that he was the one at fault! He could clearly do with realising that he's a responsible adult now, and should have grown out of that kind of nonsense. Your dp should be able to trust him to pass on a message or sort his own arrangements out.
Somehow get the impression that the men in this story are both treated like children!

Buyyouflowers · 19/06/2023 16:37

WonderDays · 19/06/2023 16:29

I think your DH is the only one in the wrong here, it should have firmed up the arrangements.

His sons 18, he spoke to him direct. That’s enough.

Yousee · 19/06/2023 16:40

NowItsLikeSnowAtTheBeach · 19/06/2023 16:34

So did his stepmother when she married someone with a 50/50 arrangement.

Of course, but any arguement you have also applies to his mother and she wins as she's his actual parent.

wingingit1987 · 19/06/2023 16:43

It’s all a bit odd. At 18 surely this isn’t even a thing? Can he not sort himself out for dinner etc?

Whatisthisnonsense · 19/06/2023 16:47

I'm baffled as to why he would stay with you. You're not his mum, he has a home with his mum.
Why would he stay with you when his dad isn't there?
YANBU.

SpainToday · 19/06/2023 16:47

NowItsLikeSnowAtTheBeach · 19/06/2023 16:34

So did his stepmother when she married someone with a 50/50 arrangement.

She knew what she was getting into ??!?

AxolotlOnions · 19/06/2023 16:49

This reply has been deleted

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But a child leaving school at the age of 6 to work full time is normal to you...?

SpainToday · 19/06/2023 16:50

if anyone has to suck up not having the house to themselves that week it should be his own mother.
She's the one who is literally wanting to send him away.

Absolutely

Behindthelines · 19/06/2023 16:53

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Behindthelines · 19/06/2023 16:53

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LuckySantangelo35 · 19/06/2023 16:53

GoodChat · 19/06/2023 13:04

@Nanny0gg why should OP want an 18 year old man in her home for a week who can't take basic care of himself?

@Nanny0gg

exactly this!

phoenixrosehere · 19/06/2023 17:13

Hayliebells · 19/06/2023 15:28

Because during that week, it's his home. Yes it's unfortunate for the OP that she can't have the house to herself, but she doesn't get the house to herself that week because another person lives in the house. Not all of the occupants of the house have not vacated the house during that week, only two of the four of them are away on holiday/work. Yes, DS shouldn't have told them his mum was OK he was staying with her when she wasn't, but that's all he's done wrong. He should never have been put in the position where he was expected to ask her.

Show quote history

He should never have been put in the position where he was expected to ask her.

I disagree. He’s either a child or he is not. Even if he was 17, he is still old enough to talk to his mother.

His father having to talk to his ex-wife about it is treating him like a child which he is not. If he chose not to stay in either home and go off somewhere, he can do that and neither parent could do anything about it.

His father asked him if he was ok staying with his mother for the week and he said yes and that should have been the end of it since his mother knew that the dad wouldn’t be there and had invited him along with his sibling and he turned it down.

Why would she have a problem with her own son staying with her in his room there? I would guess that was likely his home before his parents divorced. Why expect OP to have him when his father is not there?

She is the one calling her ex a bad parent when she already knew her oldest had turned it down.

Her own husband is away for months at a time so it’s ok for her to get time away from her children which would be about two weeks a month when her own husband isn’t there and her children are with her father and OP, but OP can’t get a week to herself when the father isn’t there and the adult son also doesn’t either.

Wondering what the mum is up to that she is so irate over this that she doesn’t seem to want her own son to be around in her and his home.

phoenixrosehere · 19/06/2023 17:19

phoenixrosehere · 19/06/2023 17:13

He should never have been put in the position where he was expected to ask her.

I disagree. He’s either a child or he is not. Even if he was 17, he is still old enough to talk to his mother.

His father having to talk to his ex-wife about it is treating him like a child which he is not. If he chose not to stay in either home and go off somewhere, he can do that and neither parent could do anything about it.

His father asked him if he was ok staying with his mother for the week and he said yes and that should have been the end of it since his mother knew that the dad wouldn’t be there and had invited him along with his sibling and he turned it down.

Why would she have a problem with her own son staying with her in his room there? I would guess that was likely his home before his parents divorced. Why expect OP to have him when his father is not there?

She is the one calling her ex a bad parent when she already knew her oldest had turned it down.

Her own husband is away for months at a time so it’s ok for her to get time away from her children which would be about two weeks a month when her own husband isn’t there and her children are with her father and OP, but OP can’t get a week to herself when the father isn’t there and the adult son also doesn’t either.

Wondering what the mum is up to that she is so irate over this that she doesn’t seem to want her own son to be around in her and his home.

Show quote history

*and the adult son doesn’t have to be there either?

thisplaceiscrazy · 19/06/2023 19:00

If the mother posted instead.....

50/50 custody of kids ages 16 and 18 never usually a problem. EX husband has to work away on his week and has offered to take both the kids with him. 18 year old doesn’t want to go due to full time work commitments and already been on holiday with his friends this year. Ex has said he will send money to son for while he is away working for a week. I am really annoyed and have just sent a voice message to my ex telling him how he is out of order that I now have to ‘look after’ my 18 year old son. It’s his week so I don’t see why he doesn’t stay in his other house with his stepmother so I can have my week off as usual.

I’m sure the comments would state‘ contact is for quality time with other parent and as other parent isn’t there then it makes sense for the son to stay with the mother’ , ‘ why don’t you want him with you’, ‘ he’s your son NOT the stepmothers

ProfessorXtra · 19/06/2023 19:11

thisplaceiscrazy · 19/06/2023 19:00

If the mother posted instead.....

50/50 custody of kids ages 16 and 18 never usually a problem. EX husband has to work away on his week and has offered to take both the kids with him. 18 year old doesn’t want to go due to full time work commitments and already been on holiday with his friends this year. Ex has said he will send money to son for while he is away working for a week. I am really annoyed and have just sent a voice message to my ex telling him how he is out of order that I now have to ‘look after’ my 18 year old son. It’s his week so I don’t see why he doesn’t stay in his other house with his stepmother so I can have my week off as usual.

I’m sure the comments would state‘ contact is for quality time with other parent and as other parent isn’t there then it makes sense for the son to stay with the mother’ , ‘ why don’t you want him with you’, ‘ he’s your son NOT the stepmothers

I disagree.

The contact to spend time with the parent is for children and when it needs a schedule.

But also the responses would have more likely been ‘if an 18 year old needs looking after and it’s the time he should be with his dad then his dad should arrange it’.

jannier · 19/06/2023 19:18

NowItsLikeSnowAtTheBeach · 19/06/2023 15:55

18 or not, he's still alternating between his parents' 2 homes, and your DH should have made arrangements for him to stay elsewhere if you didn't want to watch him and ensured it wasn't an issue, or you were going to have to step up to cover your DH

YABU because your DH clearly didn't talk to his ex and that's on him and his ex has every right to be cross about it.

Watch an 18 year old

Avondale89 · 19/06/2023 19:21

It’s the 18 year old’s home, regardless of whether his Dad was there or not. I’m sure we’d all enjoy a night off with no kids now and then, but you share a house 50% of the time with teenagers. I feel sorry for him. It’s not only his house when his dad’s there.

However, you shouldn’t be running round after him and cooking him meals. That is ridiculous.

jannier · 19/06/2023 19:38

Dixiechickonhols · 19/06/2023 16:23

I wouldn’t like the just coming and going either, It’s not practical for food shopping or locking up at night.
I can imagine shopping very different if there’s 2 teen lads sometimes especially if working one takes a packed lunch.

As adults they can feed themselves you just tell him that....what are you going to do if you have adult children who can't afford to move out say in by 10 or the doors are locked or give them a key?

jannier · 19/06/2023 19:41

thisplaceiscrazy · 19/06/2023 19:00

If the mother posted instead.....

50/50 custody of kids ages 16 and 18 never usually a problem. EX husband has to work away on his week and has offered to take both the kids with him. 18 year old doesn’t want to go due to full time work commitments and already been on holiday with his friends this year. Ex has said he will send money to son for while he is away working for a week. I am really annoyed and have just sent a voice message to my ex telling him how he is out of order that I now have to ‘look after’ my 18 year old son. It’s his week so I don’t see why he doesn’t stay in his other house with his stepmother so I can have my week off as usual.

I’m sure the comments would state‘ contact is for quality time with other parent and as other parent isn’t there then it makes sense for the son to stay with the mother’ , ‘ why don’t you want him with you’, ‘ he’s your son NOT the stepmothers

Contact I'd for a child not a working adult why are so many talking like he's a child no wonder why we have so many useless young adults if this is the norm.

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