Who is in the wrong here? Stepchildren

[feghs111]

My partner has two children aged 18 and 16 from his previous marriage and they live with us 50/50 (week on/week off).

This week is our week, however two weeks ago my OH found out he had to go abroad for work this week. He thought he would turn it into a nice trip with the kids though (he would have to work a bit in the days but they could chill by the pool etc and they could all spend time together in between) and asked them along. SS16 said yes as he has just finished his GCSEs but SS18 said no as he works full-time (left school at 16) and recently went on holiday with his friends and therefore didn't want to take anymore time off. Fair enough, but I asked OH if his mum could look after him for the week rather than stay with me here as I'm super busy at work, don't really have time to be cooking meals in the evening etc (I can just do quick things for me but I would feel under pressure to make food for him when he is home from work etc). Selfishly I was also looking forward to the peace of the place to myself for a week as I never get that.

Unfortunately OH and his ex aren't on the best terms so OH asked SS18 two weeks ago to talk to his mum and see if it was OK he stayed with her the extra week. He said he had spoken to her and she said yes. We confirmed with him again on Thursday last week and he said it was all sorted.

Yesterday was change over day and it transpires SS hadn't asked her at all and just dropped it on her that he wasn't coming back to dad's for the week and was staying with her. She then sends OH a mean voice message saying how he's a terrible parent, always shirking his responsibilities (not true at all, he is a great dad), has no respect for her time etc etc. I do understand why she is put out as she obviously didn't know that the older son was staying with her longer, but we really did think it was all cleared with her as we checked twice.

Also she knew OH had asked SS18 to come with him but he had said no, so she would have known he wasn't in the country this week.

I just feel sorry for my OH as she says really harsh things to him but I think she is overreacting here. OH will send SS18 money for whatever he needs this week.

I have now offered to have SS here but I think that will just cause even more drama!

Do you think we are in the wrong here? Maybe OH should have confirmed with her too but SS is 18 not 8 after all so we should be able to trust him when he says he had cleared it with his mum.

My 30 year old had his own home but he's welcome to rock up anytime he needs to he can sort out his own food, bed etc so no problems

I feel sorry for him that his own mother is annoyed at having to spend an extra week with him. Very sad.

@ProfessorXtra

"if an 18 year old needs looking after and it’s the time he should be with his dad then his dad should arrange it’."

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For goodness sake how silly. His dad offered the holiday which didn't work for the son, is sending him money for the week he's off. To suggest his dad should arrange a babysitter for an 18 year old is bizzare, I'm sure next time the dad will ask some of the local 15 year old babysitters if they are free to watch his 18 year old son before work and once he finishes work

Of course he should still be able to stay in your house on the week he is supposed to. It is his home that week. At 18 you don’t get kicked out of your home just because your parent is away.

Why would an 18 year old boy choose to stay the week with his step mum though?

surely you’d choose to stay with your actual parent.

issue is with mum, imo, refusing to have your adult child at home for the week and insisting on sticking with “contact” arrangements?

it’s not as if she needs to sort childcare or change her plans, he’s an adult!

@Blossomtoes

of course it does if the OP wants the house to herself while her DH is away, he can stay at his Mums (you know his PARENT).

You can use it but not recognise it... got it!

@ProfessorXtra

You said To be fair, she wouldn’t stay at mine if I wasn’t there but dp was.

that reads like she's not comfortable to me.

the difference between the OP saying she wants the house to herself & your DD saying it, is blatantly obvious, it's the OP's house in a way it's not your DD's house.

When you move in with someone with kids you know it’s everyone’s home

and for years she has welcomed them & been a step parent, cooking for them etc, but for fucks sake, she's allowed to want her house to herself for once, while their DAD is away, but their MUM is not. She's allowed not to want to work her week around a working 18 year old, who can just as easily stay with his MUM.

A 50/50 arrangement for an 18 year old? I don't think so 😂. It's absolutely ridiculous. Why on earth are you pinning this on the step-mother? His OWN mother wants him out of her home...that blows my mind. I can't imagine a scenario where I would be angry that my own 18 year old was living in OUR home.

Why on earth are you pinning this on the step-mother? His OWN mother wants him out of her home...that blows my mind. I can't imagine a scenario where I would be angry that my own 18 year old was living in OUR home.

THIS!

There have been a few threads recently that make me suspect contact arrangements are more about parents negotiating their child-free time, rather than time with the children

How it reads to you, is about you. I didn’t say you wouldn’t be comfortable. You decided that even though I didn’t say that. Just because you decide to add words in doesn’t make it true.

the difference between the OP saying she wants the house to herself & your DD saying it, is blatantly obvious, it's the OP's house in a way it's not your DD's house.

Who owns the house is irrelevant, imo. It’s just as much my dds home as it is Dps home. I wouldn’t ask dp to go elsewhere because I want the house to myself, just because I own it. That’s horrific. I find step parents who believe it’s not their step kids home when they spend half the time there, a bit odd.

I don’t think even see how it works. Is neither their home? If it’s only their home on the week they stay there, it’s still the 28 year olds home that week.

Most people would like their house to themselves for a bit. And what?

You are disregarding the hypocrisy. Op and her dh believe the 18 year old needs ‘taking care of’. If they really believe he can’t look after himself for a week, he can’t also arrange his own care. He should be able to take care of himself and make arrangements. But if I’m he isn’t matured enough to do one he isn’t mature enough to do the other.

In which case the husband that op feels sorry for should have been arranging it. Op is also participating in treating this adult like a child and talking about he needs a full cooked meal cooked by her. He absolutely doesn’t. Also, if the 18 year old needs taking care of, why does the Op and her Dh get to decide that care falls to the boys mother when it’s not her week without discussing it with her?

It sounds like they treat the 18 year old like a child when it suits. Then when it suits he is an adult.

Though I can’t believe we are discussing it in these terms for an adult.

He's eighteen.

Why woud an 18 year old want to stay with his stepmother, if it were my son he would tell me to bugger off, he's staying at home.
Most lads that age don't want to go to their dad's anywhere they're elsewhere with girlfriends etc.

The mother sounds bonkers to me, insisting her adult son goes to the stepmothers.

It's all crackers

He is an adult!

@BlinkeredBay

well as the adult of the house, paying the mortgage, it is, yes. It won't kill him to stay with his mum (as he didn't want to go with his Dad) and give the op a bit of space for the week.

hes 28, he can rent a room or do a house share if he wants to, he doesn't have to stick to this ridiculous 50:50 nonsense anymore.

It is. I’m wondering why she’s so put out and wanting him to stay there with OP even though his dad is not there.

She mentioned about her ex having no respect for her time, but she showing she doesn’t have any respect for OP’s either when she’s expecting her son to stay with them without the father present.

Her own DH isn’t home for months at a time and currently not there now so she has the house to herself every week when her sons are with their father and OP until her DH returns. I get wanting some time to yourself as a parent but to this degree, no.

@jannier oh dry your hankie. He's an 18 year old not 10. Ridiculous carrying on this nonsense of 'transfer day'

His DAD, invited him to go with him, his Mum knew his Dad was away & he didn't want to go with him. She should have assumed he'd be staying with her (as he apparently needs his meals made for him) & why should the OP be lumbered with that?? He didn't want to go with parent 1, so parent 2 is the default, NOT the OP.

it's sad that both 'children' and both parents haven't sorted this ridiculous situation out long before now, it's not up to the OP to pick up their slack.

It may be 50/50… which is odd a hell at 18
but if his parents isn’t around then he can stay at the other parents house.
Why would he even want to stay with his step mum anyway.

Why treat him as a child he's an adult and needs to cook his own food and do his own washing ....if he was 18 living with mum and dad nobody would say you can't leave him home it's pathetic I don't see what a hankie has to do with it....both houses are his home maybe he has friends near dad's he wants to see

Maybe he wants to stay at the home he shares with dad and OP because his mum is bonkers?

The best thing to come out of this is hopefully a chat about where these young adults want to sleep and call home in the future. How much notice either parent wants if they're coming home or not.

@ProfessorXtra no, how it reads to me is about how you wrote it, not about me!

I didn’t say you wouldn’t be comfortable. You decided that even though I didn’t say that. Just because you decide to add words in doesn’t make it true

what are you on about? That makes NO sense & what I posted was a copy & paste of what you wrote, which is there for everyone to see, so what words am I supposed to have added???

Well, if the 'child' isn't going away with the father, then the mother needs to insist he does or step up to 'mind' her own child, not exoect the OP to do it.

but like yo, I can't believe we're trying to make any sense here because the whole thing is utterly ridiculous!!

I still disagree with you about the house though, I think it does matter that the OP is an adult, paying the mortgage & is entitled to say who is/isn't in it. the DS chose not to go on holiday with one parent, so he needs to stay with the other parent. It's not down to the SM to suck it up.

the mum gets her house to herself when the lads are at their Dads, why should the OP be in a worse position than their actual parent??

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All 4 ADULTS are wrong.

A father who knowing his Ex is difficult let his 18 year old deal with her rather than having a conversation- surely she has form for this nonsense, it won't have come from nowhere

A mother who doesn't want her 18 year old in his own home & causes arguments which result in her son feeling unwanted.

An 18 year old who can't seem to communicate with his mother (although based on what she seems like, I would give him a pass on that one)or can't cook or clean despite holding down a job for two years.

A stepmom concerned about minding an 18 year old & who married a guy with 2 teenagers but dreams of peace & quiet and time alone.

All 4 of you for not realising how messed up this situation actually is.