Who is in the wrong here? Stepchildren

[feghs111]

My partner has two children aged 18 and 16 from his previous marriage and they live with us 50/50 (week on/week off).

This week is our week, however two weeks ago my OH found out he had to go abroad for work this week. He thought he would turn it into a nice trip with the kids though (he would have to work a bit in the days but they could chill by the pool etc and they could all spend time together in between) and asked them along. SS16 said yes as he has just finished his GCSEs but SS18 said no as he works full-time (left school at 16) and recently went on holiday with his friends and therefore didn't want to take anymore time off. Fair enough, but I asked OH if his mum could look after him for the week rather than stay with me here as I'm super busy at work, don't really have time to be cooking meals in the evening etc (I can just do quick things for me but I would feel under pressure to make food for him when he is home from work etc). Selfishly I was also looking forward to the peace of the place to myself for a week as I never get that.

Unfortunately OH and his ex aren't on the best terms so OH asked SS18 two weeks ago to talk to his mum and see if it was OK he stayed with her the extra week. He said he had spoken to her and she said yes. We confirmed with him again on Thursday last week and he said it was all sorted.

Yesterday was change over day and it transpires SS hadn't asked her at all and just dropped it on her that he wasn't coming back to dad's for the week and was staying with her. She then sends OH a mean voice message saying how he's a terrible parent, always shirking his responsibilities (not true at all, he is a great dad), has no respect for her time etc etc. I do understand why she is put out as she obviously didn't know that the older son was staying with her longer, but we really did think it was all cleared with her as we checked twice.

Also she knew OH had asked SS18 to come with him but he had said no, so she would have known he wasn't in the country this week.

I just feel sorry for my OH as she says really harsh things to him but I think she is overreacting here. OH will send SS18 money for whatever he needs this week.

I have now offered to have SS here but I think that will just cause even more drama!

Do you think we are in the wrong here? Maybe OH should have confirmed with her too but SS is 18 not 8 after all so we should be able to trust him when he says he had cleared it with his mum.

Spot on. I have a 17 year old DD. My home is her home for as long as she wants it/needs it. It’s her home as much as mine. Of course one day that will change - and once she is fully moved out, she will ask me before just turning up. But that’s not the position now.

To answer your question about adult SC - after 16 we stayed in the parents home we decided to live in before then.

So if that parent went on holiday we fended for ourselves. Other relations and the other parent would check on us if we were all alone, but we were mature enough to look after ourselves.

With food we have basics in all the time, but if our teens (who were mostly here 100% of the time) are going to be in for dinner then you let us know the night before to be guaranteed a share of the meal being cooked by whoever is cooking.

If you’re not going to be in on your night of cooking (everyone has a turn here) then two nights notice to everyone, or a swap, is required for it not to be rude (obviously unexpected/emergency events being tbt exception).

You do get used to them coming and going with less strict regularity.

Because during that week, it's his home. Yes it's unfortunate for the OP that she can't have the house to herself, but she doesn't get the house to herself that week because another person lives in the house. Not all of the occupants of the house have not vacated the house during that week, only two of the four of them are away on holiday/work. Yes, DS shouldn't have told them his mum was OK he was staying with her when she wasn't, but that's all he's done wrong. He should never have been put in the position where he was expected to ask her.

I am know a similar boat. If it is just me and step-daughter home. I make her something if it is just as easy. If not, or I am out I tell her she is on her own, but outline some options- looking is not one of her strong points. She is home from uni and working a lot of the time. She spends 98% of her time with us. Do I sometimes want the house to myself? Yes, don't we all, but it is her home. Am sure she wishes the same sometimes!!

Not everyone has a big freezer or the money to stock it.

Personally I think it's only courteous to let the house owner / food provider know when you'll be there or not.

Whether you're a child living with both parents, step child, or adult child coming back for the weekend.

I wouldn't have dreamt of just leaving or rocking up to my parents without letting them know in advance.

The SS is in the wrong here for failing to sort himself out when he’s an adult and lying to you about it.

I can’t believe at 18 you are having to agree who “looks after him” for the week. He’s an adult!

This

Turning it on its head, why would his own mother resent him staying for longer with her. Surely at 18 she is not going to need a break from him. He's her own son.

They are 16 and 18, why are they not getting to decide what contact they want and why does an 18 year old need looking after!!

So 3 adults are running around stressing about the meals of another adult?

As weird as it is for parents to still be maintaining a shared care type rota for an adult, it's step son's fault for lying about asking his mum when he didn't. He probably lied to her to cover up for not asking her either. He's an adult, he needs to accept responsibility for what he's done - go and tell his mother that it's all his fault and that he'd lied to his dad about asking.

And if he does choose to stay with you, he should be cooking for you half the time.

18 or not, he's still alternating between his parents' 2 homes, and your DH should have made arrangements for him to stay elsewhere if you didn't want to watch him and ensured it wasn't an issue, or you were going to have to step up to cover your DH

YABU because your DH clearly didn't talk to his ex and that's on him and his ex has every right to be cross about it.

He’s 18 and working full time he can buy and cook his own food so I wouldn’t stress about that 🥴

I’m just thankful that my DCs at 18 could cook, do their own washing etc and had to because they were at university!
Yes I would do it for them sometimes when they were at home but they’d also cook a meal for everyone and do the washing if there was a full load.

I imagine the kids thought it was "disconcerting" to have to bounce between households for many years.

Surely you can put up with the "uncertainty" about who will be home/food shopping for a couple of years until he gets his own place or a flat share?

I feel sorry for the young man.

This - he's an adult.

Plus, can he not get his own food?

Feel very sorry for the 18 year old 'child' who is viewed as a burden in both homes.

"Watch him"?
He's 18! Can you imagine the humiliation of being farmed out to a babysitter at that age because your own mother requires you to leave the home you are currently staying in?
Ex has a cheek to be "cross".

Yes at 16&18 they should be coming and going as they please, they can also communicate with their parents instead of your DH having to🤔? There old enough to text/phone so the mum being horrid to your DH is not on.. if I was him I’d be replying back to her saying they are old enough to communicate themselves!!

as for the coming and going, just buy some extra food and let them know there’s no need for these set plans anymore? They can decide whether they want to come or not, I’d buy extra food just incase they do turn up! Or if they do turn up pop out and buy some extra bits to cover everyone, it’s not difficult.

also get them both a spare key? So they can just come and go, nobody even has to be there for them coming, there old enough to let themselves in, sort out some tea/dinner and last until one of you arrive home 🤷‍♀️.

at 18 I had birthed a child and was living on my own whilst juggling work! Im genuinely surprised that especially at 18yr old theres still set arrangements for them? Maybe he didn’t tell his mum because he feels stuck in the middle (this is why it’s best to communicate now with the children instead of them communicating with each other if there not on good grounds), maybe he’s fed up of other people making plans of where he should be at 18? I know I would feel pretty pissed off..

get them both a key, explain to them they are more then welcome to come and go as they please/when they do help themselves to food and make there own dinner, I would reassure them that it is also there home and that’s why it would be best they come and go whenever they feel free to, also explain it would help with there independence/not to feel pressured by CHILD arrangement plans.

if I was your husband I’d also send the mum a message to say what your doing as there old enough now to have them responsibilities..

I doubt all children stock the home with their own food from the supermarket, even if they do cook for themselves.
My children can both cook and their dad can't/is a lazy arse, so when they go to his, they cook for him. My son finally moved out properly last year (had to go back for a while during pandemic) and is pleased to only have to cook for himself! When I lived with them we took it in turns. In any case, they'd be given a bit of cash, pop over to the shops and get the ingredients, then cook a family dinner.
Maybe your ss would enjoy cooking for you? It might not taste amazing at first but it gives you a day off and it's really good for young people if they can cook when they move out. Good time to practise.

Ok, 'watch him' was a poor choice of words

How about 'allow him to stay in his own bedroom in his own home for the week he normally stays there'. Does that work for you?

I wouldn’t like the just coming and going either, It’s not practical for food shopping or locking up at night.
I can imagine shopping very different if there’s 2 teen lads sometimes especially if working one takes a packed lunch.