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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who is in the wrong here? Stepchildren

321 replies

feghs111 · 19/06/2023 12:31

My partner has two children aged 18 and 16 from his previous marriage and they live with us 50/50 (week on/week off).

This week is our week, however two weeks ago my OH found out he had to go abroad for work this week. He thought he would turn it into a nice trip with the kids though (he would have to work a bit in the days but they could chill by the pool etc and they could all spend time together in between) and asked them along. SS16 said yes as he has just finished his GCSEs but SS18 said no as he works full-time (left school at 16) and recently went on holiday with his friends and therefore didn't want to take anymore time off. Fair enough, but I asked OH if his mum could look after him for the week rather than stay with me here as I'm super busy at work, don't really have time to be cooking meals in the evening etc (I can just do quick things for me but I would feel under pressure to make food for him when he is home from work etc). Selfishly I was also looking forward to the peace of the place to myself for a week as I never get that.

Unfortunately OH and his ex aren't on the best terms so OH asked SS18 two weeks ago to talk to his mum and see if it was OK he stayed with her the extra week. He said he had spoken to her and she said yes. We confirmed with him again on Thursday last week and he said it was all sorted.

Yesterday was change over day and it transpires SS hadn't asked her at all and just dropped it on her that he wasn't coming back to dad's for the week and was staying with her. She then sends OH a mean voice message saying how he's a terrible parent, always shirking his responsibilities (not true at all, he is a great dad), has no respect for her time etc etc. I do understand why she is put out as she obviously didn't know that the older son was staying with her longer, but we really did think it was all cleared with her as we checked twice.

Also she knew OH had asked SS18 to come with him but he had said no, so she would have known he wasn't in the country this week.

I just feel sorry for my OH as she says really harsh things to him but I think she is overreacting here. OH will send SS18 money for whatever he needs this week.

I have now offered to have SS here but I think that will just cause even more drama!

Do you think we are in the wrong here? Maybe OH should have confirmed with her too but SS is 18 not 8 after all so we should be able to trust him when he says he had cleared it with his mum.

OP posts:
Notamum12345577 · 20/06/2023 00:29

quietnightmare · 19/06/2023 12:42

This is insane

He is an adult but as the situation stands it's very childish way to deal with things surely he should come and go as he pleases

HOWEVER

As it is said time and time again YOU ARE NOT THE Parent he hastwo parents they need to sort it out between themselves as apparently the 18 year old with a job and goes on holiday alone can't manage his living situations.

Obviously in true mumsnet form the dad should have arranged child care for an 18 year old full time worker 😂

You are not responsible and no a grown adult doesn't need to be in your home when he's dad is away WORKING

the ex seems bitter and is being petty. Just ignore her

I agree with nearly all of this apart from one thing. It is also the 18 year olds home, as much as his mum’s place is his home. Yes he is an adult and works, but most 18 year olds still live with their parents. So as he has spent his childhood years doing 50/50, they are both his family home. But no, no one should be arranging child care for an 18 year old 🤣

ProfessorXtra · 20/06/2023 05:17

ThursdayFreedom · 19/06/2023 23:22

@ProfessorXtra no, how it reads to me is about how you wrote it, not about me!

I didn’t say you wouldn’t be comfortable. You decided that even though I didn’t say that. Just because you decide to add words in doesn’t make it true

what are you on about? That makes NO sense & what I posted was a copy & paste of what you wrote, which is there for everyone to see, so what words am I supposed to have added???

Well, if the 'child' isn't going away with the father, then the mother needs to insist he does or step up to 'mind' her own child, not exoect the OP to do it.

but like yo, I can't believe we're trying to make any sense here because the whole thing is utterly ridiculous!!

I still disagree with you about the house though, I think it does matter that the OP is an adult, paying the mortgage & is entitled to say who is/isn't in it. the DS chose not to go on holiday with one parent, so he needs to stay with the other parent. It's not down to the SM to suck it up.

the mum gets her house to herself when the lads are at their Dads, why should the OP be in a worse position than their actual parent??

Show quote history

I didn’t say dd would be uncomfortable. If you are going to add words into peoples posts, that’s definitely about you. Everyone can see (though I don’t see how that relevant) You added the word uncomfortable.

You are welcome to disagree about the house. I never said you had to agree. I posted and you replied to me. So I replied to you.

it’s is difficult to make sense of because they are all treating him like home is 10 years old. In which case the DH should have arranged cover child care if he was away. I assume the mother is pissed off because the Ops husband and Op made a decision about a change in the schedule but didn’t actually speak to her. The mother hasn’t had a go at the Op. she had a go at her ex. But in the real world, a conversation with the 18 year old should have been enough.

It’s bizarre to treat an 18 year old like a child. But to treat them like a child, except for when the Dh might have to message his ex then expect the 18 year old to sort himself out, makes no sense.

thisplaceiscrazy · 20/06/2023 07:56

@Notamum12345577

I agree with you that yes it is his home and an 18 year old doesn't need childcare 😂 but surely for one week a little flexibility could be used in this situation. It's a one off so the mum needs to accept he needs to stay with her not the stepmum.

Blobblobblob · 20/06/2023 09:23

This is nuts. You're talking about an actual adult who needs zero cooking, zero laundry, zero transport because he will obviously do these things for himself.

It's a bit sad that his mum doesn't want him around, I assume that's why he tried to drop it on her last minute.

This is an opportunity for you to set expectations of him as an adult. He can stay, but you do f all and he sorts himself out. Like a normal adult.

phoenixrosehere · 20/06/2023 09:38

Blobblobblob · 20/06/2023 09:23

This is nuts. You're talking about an actual adult who needs zero cooking, zero laundry, zero transport because he will obviously do these things for himself.

It's a bit sad that his mum doesn't want him around, I assume that's why he tried to drop it on her last minute.

This is an opportunity for you to set expectations of him as an adult. He can stay, but you do f all and he sorts himself out. Like a normal adult.

This is an opportunity for you to set expectations of him as an adult.

Don’t you mean it is the opportunity for his parents to do so? The way his mum kicks off, can only imagine what she would say if OP started setting rules for him.

As an adult, he should still be staying in his room in the home with his mum since he agreed to do this, even though he lied to his dad and OP. Going back on it, teaches nothing.

MercedesD · 20/06/2023 09:44

I think you should never have made it into an issue. He should stay with you. He’s 18. why are you under pressure to cook for him? I’m sure his mum was looking forward to some alone time too. Why should she go 3 weeks without alone time? The issue is between you and your partner. And he should have asked the mum and not palmed it off on his son if he wouldn’t be around to uphold their agreement.

Yousee · 20/06/2023 09:47

MercedesD · 20/06/2023 09:44

I think you should never have made it into an issue. He should stay with you. He’s 18. why are you under pressure to cook for him? I’m sure his mum was looking forward to some alone time too. Why should she go 3 weeks without alone time? The issue is between you and your partner. And he should have asked the mum and not palmed it off on his son if he wouldn’t be around to uphold their agreement.

His mum gets alone time every other week when her husband is away. OP never gets alone time. And he's not even her son!
As his mother, she should not be telling him to leave the home he is already residing in to go stay with his step mother because she wants alone time. What a dick move.

aSofaNearYou · 20/06/2023 09:51

MercedesD · 20/06/2023 09:44

I think you should never have made it into an issue. He should stay with you. He’s 18. why are you under pressure to cook for him? I’m sure his mum was looking forward to some alone time too. Why should she go 3 weeks without alone time? The issue is between you and your partner. And he should have asked the mum and not palmed it off on his son if he wouldn’t be around to uphold their agreement.

She wouldn't be going three weeks she'd be going two, and the reason she should is that she is the default back up when dad isn't available, not OP. It's nothing to do with her.

It's a little more of a grey area as he is an age where he shouldn't (but apparently does) need looking after, but if OP wasn't on the scene the answer would be that he would stay with his mum rather than in his dad's empty house, then that's what he should do. If he was self sufficient enough that he would pointlessly choose to stay in his dad's empty house that weekend in that hypothetical scenario, then it's a little different.

80s · 20/06/2023 10:04

for years she has welcomed them & been a step parent, cooking for them etc, but for fucks sake, she's allowed to want her house to herself for once
Or: for years, the now 18yo has welcomed OP into his home and ffs why should he have to leave his home now just because OP is there too?

aSofaNearYou · 20/06/2023 10:12

80s · 20/06/2023 10:04

for years she has welcomed them & been a step parent, cooking for them etc, but for fucks sake, she's allowed to want her house to herself for once
Or: for years, the now 18yo has welcomed OP into his home and ffs why should he have to leave his home now just because OP is there too?

That might stack up if he did all of his own chores.

Yousee · 20/06/2023 10:12

80s · 20/06/2023 10:04

for years she has welcomed them & been a step parent, cooking for them etc, but for fucks sake, she's allowed to want her house to herself for once
Or: for years, the now 18yo has welcomed OP into his home and ffs why should he have to leave his home now just because OP is there too?

He isn't having to leave his home because OP is there.
His mother is the only one who will be actively asking him to leave him home with her.

He will be at his mother's house for "contact" with her and she wants him to leave and go to his dad's house even though his dad won't be there for "contact".
Fucked if I can understand why OP is being held to a higher standard than his own DM.

SpainToday · 20/06/2023 10:14

He isn't having to leave his home because OP is there.
His mother is the only one who will be actively asking him to leave him home with her.
He will be at his mother's house for "contact" with her and she wants him to leave and go to his dad's house even though his dad won't be there for "contact".
Fucked if I can understand why OP is being held to a higher standard than his own DM.

This. Good post @Yousee

MercedesD · 20/06/2023 10:23

aSofaNearYou · 20/06/2023 09:51

She wouldn't be going three weeks she'd be going two, and the reason she should is that she is the default back up when dad isn't available, not OP. It's nothing to do with her.

It's a little more of a grey area as he is an age where he shouldn't (but apparently does) need looking after, but if OP wasn't on the scene the answer would be that he would stay with his mum rather than in his dad's empty house, then that's what he should do. If he was self sufficient enough that he would pointlessly choose to stay in his dad's empty house that weekend in that hypothetical scenario, then it's a little different.

Show quote history

I disagree. As a step child myself that lived at home till I was 21, if my step dad ever turned around and said „i want alone time go stay with your dad“ I would have been extremely hurt. His house was mine as much as his and he knew I was In the picture when he choose to be with my mum. A parents responsibility doesn’t finish at 18.

and yes mum would have the kids for three weeks.
mums weeks, dads week, mums weeks, she’s taking over dads week, meaning she’s now got three weeks.

she’s entitled to make plans for the weeks that their arrangements dictate she’ll be childless. Maybe she has some private things planned…

OP has no children so she has every other week to herself surely. Or is her husband the issue? Maybe she can ask the ex to take her husband on the weeks the kids are with her too 🤔.

all I’m saying is. If you get Involved with someone with children. Be prepared to step up. those kids are yours now…

dad should have sorted this with mum at the end of the day to find an arrangement that suits everyone. By the by of if this arrangement is over kill for the ages of the children. The arrangement is in place so both parents have to work with it. If it no longer works they have to sit down and talk bout it.

Hayliebells · 20/06/2023 10:26

Someoneonlyyouknow · 19/06/2023 22:54

Maybe he wants to stay at the home he shares with dad and OP because his mum is bonkers?

The best thing to come out of this is hopefully a chat about where these young adults want to sleep and call home in the future. How much notice either parent wants if they're coming home or not.

Yep, and it does sound like he'd choose for his full time home to be his dad's...

80s · 20/06/2023 10:34

He will be at his mother's house for "contact" with her and she wants him to leave and go to his dad's house even though his dad won't be there for "contact".
No, this is not true. He's going to his mum's. She was just annoyed she hadn't been informed.

aSofaNearYou · 20/06/2023 10:44

all I’m saying is. If you get Involved with someone with children. Be prepared to step up. those kids are yours now…

With respect, you don't get to decide that. You were the child in the scenario, it's the adults who get to decide. I am not willing to "step up" and my SS is not my child. If the child is at an age where they need looking after, if dad is not there, they need to stay with their mum. I'm not willing to do it.

Ordinarily an 18 year old shouldn't need looking after but if this one expects it, then he needs to stay with his mum.

AkitaAtHome · 20/06/2023 10:48

He's 18 and working full time so is quite capable of looking after himself and should also be providing for himself!

Yousee · 20/06/2023 10:49

80s · 20/06/2023 10:34

He will be at his mother's house for "contact" with her and she wants him to leave and go to his dad's house even though his dad won't be there for "contact".
No, this is not true. He's going to his mum's. She was just annoyed she hadn't been informed.

It is true. It's right there in OPs first post.
Yesterday was change over day and it transpires SS hadn't asked her at all and just dropped it on her that he wasn't coming back to dad's for the week and was staying with her
He was at his mums house. She wants him to leave his home and go stay with his step mother.

Yousee · 20/06/2023 10:51

all I’m saying is. If you get Involved with someone with children. Be prepared to step up. those kids are yours now
But a parent's responsibility doesn't end at 18 you said. It doesn't end on change over day when they are not the other parents problem, either. Why can't his own DM be expected to step up?

80s · 20/06/2023 10:52

He was at his mums house. She wants him to leave his home and go stay with his step mother.
That last part is in your head.
OP goes on to stay: I have now offered to have SS here
So clearly no, the boy is with his mum.

SpainToday · 20/06/2023 10:54

if OP wasn't on the scene the answer would be that he would stay with his mum rather than in his dad's empty house,

Absolutely - but some mothers seem hellbent on preserving their child-free time (or should we say adult-free time in this case) and are happy to despatch their offspring, whether Dad is around or not.

Yousee · 20/06/2023 10:55

80s · 20/06/2023 10:52

He was at his mums house. She wants him to leave his home and go stay with his step mother.
That last part is in your head.
OP goes on to stay: I have now offered to have SS here
So clearly no, the boy is with his mum.

Yes, and she's not happy about it is she, hence this post. She wants him out or why would she be kicking up a fuss with her ex?

80s · 20/06/2023 11:07

She wants him out or why would she be kicking up a fuss with her ex?
OP says it's because her ex has no respect for her time etc etc. I do understand why she is put out as she obviously didn't know that the older son was staying with her longer
She's annoyed because her ex-husband didn't inform her about a change in their schedule for when each of them has the kids.
OP's post is about whether or not OH should have confirmed with her too
No indication that the mum has refused to have her son - so why would anyone assume that's the case? OP has offered to have him of her own accord, but yes, as she says herself, that will just cause even more drama as him being with his mum is not the issue; it's her ex-husband having no respect for her time and thus not informing her.

aSofaNearYou · 20/06/2023 11:11

80s · 20/06/2023 11:07

She wants him out or why would she be kicking up a fuss with her ex?
OP says it's because her ex has no respect for her time etc etc. I do understand why she is put out as she obviously didn't know that the older son was staying with her longer
She's annoyed because her ex-husband didn't inform her about a change in their schedule for when each of them has the kids.
OP's post is about whether or not OH should have confirmed with her too
No indication that the mum has refused to have her son - so why would anyone assume that's the case? OP has offered to have him of her own accord, but yes, as she says herself, that will just cause even more drama as him being with his mum is not the issue; it's her ex-husband having no respect for her time and thus not informing her.

He's 18, it's perfectly common for children that age to communicate with their parents themselves rather than for parents to do it.

80s · 20/06/2023 11:12

aSofaNearYou · 20/06/2023 11:11

He's 18, it's perfectly common for children that age to communicate with their parents themselves rather than for parents to do it.

Show quote history

I said as much myself upthread. I was explaining what OP's thread is about, and what OP said the mum's problem was.