That school aged children must be easier??

[TwinkleStarWhatAre]

I have a 3 year old and a 1 year old, and I keep reading people saying that school aged children can be so much harder. Like… seriously??? Shall I just give up now then?

My 3 year old is a firecracker. She says ‘mummy’ about 1000 times a day. I literally don’t get 2 minutes headspace from the moment I wake up to the moment they go to bed. If I ever sit down I swear she has a sensor. Even if she’s gone upstairs for a brief 5 minutes to play by herself, the second my bum touches a chair she runs back in. When they’re finally in bed, I then have to get some work done (self employed) then try and get some sleep with the 1 year old still waking up at night, and then rinse and repeat the next day.

I don’t know what self care is. My hair regularly has 2-3 inch grey hair growth as I just don’t manage time to dye it. Skin care routine? What is that? I just about manage to wash it and shove some retinoid on in a fruitless attempt to prevent ongoing acne which you would think wouldn’t be an issue in my 30s but it’s still going strong.

My 3 year old started a couple days at nursery two months ago and oh my gosh, I live for those days. I feel horrible admitting such a thing. But just only having one child, who is a lower maintenance anyway, (he is very happy to play by himself for 10 minutes at a time) it is just such a relief. I can actually hear myself think. I can smile. When he goes for a nap I can get work done which means I don’t have to do as much at night so I’m just so less stressed. It feels magical!

So surely… once my eldest is in school, it will be easier??? I will have 5 of those days, not 2. I will be so much happier and free. Maybe… I will actually be able to relax in the evening!!! And oh my gosh, when they are both in school.. I’m literally giddy at the thought.

Please tell me Im right… or I suppose otherwise leave me in willfull ignorance because I’m just so tired I don’t think I can handle anymore…

Just to add I love both my children incredibly so… but I’m just so so so worn out and tired.

Young children are physically harder as they require constant supervision and you have broken nights. School children are more intense as you have to constantly be on the school schedule, there are more wider world issues to deal with and the issues become more significant as they get older. Different kind of challenge really.

Their needs change.
For one thing, the majority of school aged children are at work, not sahps. So everything is condensed into the evening.

Evenings are actually my busy time not relaxing! They go to bed later, clubs, cooking/cleaning etc.

Its less full on then the toddler sahp years definitely. Easier... well everyone's experiences are different.

You are hacking away at the coalface right now.

Those who say just wait til they're at school, cackle cackle, might not have had ones like mine who were hugely needy irritating until they started reception, then it was a breeze.

They are just so different. It’s great to have more time to yourself, I’m a shift worker so get three days to myself. I say days. About 5.5hrs. But they are hard work as their needs have changed and they are very stressy, hormonal and drive me up the wall 😬😬 I would say kids on the whole get harder as they get older but in a very different way

It's so much easier. Hang on in there. I used to read the posts about it not getting easier when my two were little and despair, but it absolutely does get easier

There's different worries as they get older . For example you won't have worried about bullying or friendship dramas yet.

You will get a break during school hours but my kids always came home hungry and hyper until after dinner. Plus there's 13 weeks of school holidays a year which can be complicated in terms of childcare too or do you plan to stay at home long term ?

They are wrong.

A one year old and a three year old is incredibly difficult. I shudder at the memory.

The primary school years are a absolute joy. The nicest stage in my opinion. Old enough so that you don't have to do every single thing for them yet still young enough to be lovely and sweet.

I won't discuss the teenage years.

I have a 6 year old and a 1 year old and it absolutely gets easier. The 6 year old is happy to watch his cartoons or play with his toys and can pop to the loo whenever he needs whereas the 1 year old is glued to me all day!!!

It's absolutely easier in general - of course some people have specific issues which make it harder.

I think some people just like to scare others.

I have a 7 year old and he is 10x easier than when he was 3

It is less tiring but you worry more about their lives - friendships/ what they are eating/ learning/ screen time - I find it totally exhausting.

Also they are more aware/ intelligent /need more from you when you are with them. They are more complex.

When I'm with my children I find it extremely full on - and I often pick them up froms chool and condense my hours WFH to do this.

I often think I miss the days I could just drop them at childcare at 730 in the morning and literally not think about them until 6pm when I collected them! and i knew they were having a lovely time.

Now I worry all the time - and I have them telling me how much they don't like school/ have friendship problems etc - don't want to go to After school club/ are too old for childminder/ too young to be home alone.

however. I do have a lot more time to myself!

It's another version of "just you wait".
It goes from "just you wait until they are crawling/walking/talking back/at school/ teenagers etc". Mostly said by people who are miserable and want others to be like them.

The challenges of parenting will shift and change as they grow. No matter the age they will still be your children and will still require parenting and you will worry about them.
But it will not be as intense and all consuming as it is at home with a 3 and 1 year old.

I have a 5 year old, 3 year old and 1 year old. The 5 year old is way easier (and she has ASD, albeit ‘high functioning’). But it’s easier because she makes less mess, can help tidy, doesn’t need constant supervision and will occupy herself more, can turn the tv on when she wants it on, can go and get her own clothes from her wardrobe, fill up her own water bottle etc. I just don’t have to run around after her in the same way. Yeah she has homework, after school clubs etc, but that’s easier to manage than the constant needs of a toddler.

People just love to say ‘oh just you wait until.. they’re school age/teenagers/adults/you’ve got grandkids’ rather than just going, yeah the toddler years are bloody hard.

Sounds like you're a SAHM? In which case of course it will get easier!

We both work FT, we found 3 and 1 absolutely awful tbh, it's so bloody full on and they were constantly off sick. They're 5 and 3 now and it is easier. The 5yo is even occasionally something approaching recognisably human.

Even 4 and 2 we found easier - the little thing of feeling like you can leave them room is so helpful.

I don't mean it to be miserable! I actually think the opposite - there is so much support for people with babies and toddlers. And there should be jsut as much for older kids as they are also demanding - parenting is tough!

I have found it lonely sometimes how hard I find it parenting older children - it feels so unspoken to me. People say. 'oh your child is 8 what a beautiufl age - so easy! the best years! and then I feel like shit because it doesn't feel like that to me

Surely the point of a parenting board is honesty???

It's definitely less physically exhausting once they are a bit older, and at school. Emotionally though, I think it can get harder, I definitely worried more about them as they got older. And it's a constant whirl of having to be in the right place at the right time, with the right equipment.

Then they hit the teenage years, and that can be a whole new world of challenges. They might sail through, or they might have any number of problems that you hadn't thought about.

Someone once said to me, as they get bigger, the problems just change, and that's been true for all three of mine who are now into adulthood.

But yes, purely on a physical level, it's easier once they are at school.

@waterrat there is so much support for people with babies and toddlers.

What support is that?

1 and 3 is particularly intense. The challenges are different when they're at school - it ALWAYS seems to be pick up time or checking if it's pickup time or saying 'I have to be back for pick up time' but it is nowhere near as physically gruelling or relentless because you can more or less trust at least one kid not to kill itself under a car or what have you, and they can definitely carry themselves about on their own legs more dependably. Additionally you don't have to worry as much about providing quality activities because they are getting that at school.

I have a 7yo and he is a doddle. Entertains himself for long periods, can sort his own snacks and drinks etc. Rarely needs help with dressing/toileting. There is more admin as school sends loads of emails about so many events and activities so a good calendar/diary is essential but it is about 10 mins a week to check everything.

Yesterday afternoon I was at a complete loss as DS didn’t need me and I haven’t yet shifted to making sure I have my own stuff to do so I decided to focus on getting back to my hobbies and interests rather than wasting all my free time.

Mine are now 6 and 8 and it’s a thousand times easier than when they were 1 and 3!

The issues (if/when they arise) can be bigger, and involve more thought/planning to deal with them. But you actually get breaks from them, consistently, every day, so you can think a full sentence without being interrupted.

The periods immediately before and after school can be very stressful (getting everybody ready and out the door on time, dealing with homework when they’re tired and grumpy, etc). But you do actually get breaks in between so overall I’ve found it much better.

I have a child in school nursery and a child in year 2. It does get so much easier but arrange childcare around school holidays and before/after school can be a nightmare. I’m a sahm so don’t have that issue but I know from
other parents how difficult it can be.

And the amount of apps and correspondence from nursery and school is unbelievable. I had 12 different emails/app notifications/paper letters in 48 hours once. All requiring me to do something.

My life got so much easier once my youngest turned 3yo, and even easier when he started school.

For me hardest time was when they were babies and toddlers. And I say that as someone with three teens!

Covering school holidays if you work can be problematic, childcare before school age is much easier to source and usually covers the whole year.

After school activities can ramp up, especially if you have more than one child, maybe ferrying them around a lot. Ensuring you keep up with school requests and homework can be hard whilst fitting every else in. School friendship issues, bullying etc can rear their ugly head.

I said on another thread that I have found the primary years the most difficult. That is just my experience though. Everyone finds different aspects of raising children more changeling or more enjoyable. I find the pre school years relatively easy. So far I have found the early teen years fairly easy too. I struggled with the primary years.

It really depends on personal circumstances doesn’t it. Many people have children with disabilities, additional needs (which can be exacerbated by school),illness etc. quite a lot of relationships split up when kids are school age and one parent has to take over earning a living and all life admin/ child care. Many people go back to work when children go to school so there’s no down time. If you’re finding this stage difficult it will pass and things will change but I’m not everyone finds this the hardest stage. When they’re little you have control and can solve their problems with a hug, that’s not really the case with teens!

1 & 3 is very hard. Partly because they have incompatible needs and wishes then. Much easier when they play together and like the same toys etc. Knackering in the days when they need you constantly and sleep is an issue etc.

Mine are now 4 & 6. In many ways it's much easier but it's more psychologically complex, you need a consistent approach to discipline and rules etc, they pick up on your inconsistencies, their tantrums can be much harder to manage because they're bigger, you need to work out what's going on in their heads much more. And they start deliberately disobeying rules, lying about things, being a bit sneaky. Or they ask complicated questions that you don't really know the answer to. As they get older then the potential for them being actually messed up if you mishandle bullying, confidence issues, eating etc gets more. So that's stressful too. And the tiny details of what they need for school, clubs etc becomes a bit insane.

At 1 & 3 they're so much more under your control and you're in a little world where a cuddle sorts out most things. Exhausting but small scale. At school age the world has opened up and it takes the pressure off you a bit but also means you're less in control and that brings its own exhaustion and frustration!