To stop contact if he can’t keep to the time?

[BedtimesBackThen]

My ex has our kids every other weekend but he keeps dropping them back late. It’s supposed to be 6pm but he’s usually at least twenty minutes late. It’s a long drive so I have to give them their tea and get them ready for school on Monday.

AIBU to say he can’t have them if he can’t keep to 6pm?

As a parent who has stopped contact before, I would say that's not in the best interests of the children either. I stopped contact for legitimate and serious reasons. 20 or 40 mins late doesn't fall into that category. Unless there are other more serious issues, all you will achieve by stopping contact is an angry ex, upset children and a judge (because he's bound to take it to court) who will not view this issue as reason to stop contact.
I do understand the frustration, my ex used to bring our 2 year old back at 7pm, she would often fall asleep in the car and then not go to bed until stupidly late. The only way around this issue is talking to the ex and compromising.

Apologies if this has already come up, but is it ex doing all the driving? Seems a lot of his contact time taken up in the car. I’ve no experience so no idea whether travel time is included in contact, but maybe it would be fairer to go and pick them up sometimes so he can have quality time right up until 6 rather than having to get them on the road.

My parents had this custody arrangement from the time I was 2. He was consistently late, never paid maintenance, told all manner of lies too. If my mum had reacted to it in the way you want to, we would have hated her for it. Be careful OP. If you make this your hill to die on, you'll regret it when they're older. They won't forget it and they'll never forgive you either.

You can stop being selfish and thinking of yourself! You have the children 12/14 days, he sees them twice a month, and you’re whining about 20-30 minutes? Give your head a wobble.

So dont. Swallow your pride, have a bath run for 20 minutes after they are due, bedclothes laid out and a nice sandwich and drink for supper. If you try and stop visitation rights you lose and your kids lose. You lose as you are seen as mean and small minded and they lose because time with dad is precious. Goodness…you even complain them coming back 20 minutes late limits your time with them. Try swapping hours with him and see how it feels.

Persistently late ……. As in ONE Sunday per month 🤣

97% say you are being unreasonable yet you are still going on !
Did he ever accuse you of being a nag by any chance ?

Honestly, can't believe what I have just read, everytime OP tried to make a point she sounded more and more unreasonable.

So you refer to his partner as his 'girlfriend' meanwhile your partner is stepdad despite you all getting together around the same time, you are annoyed about his fathers day meal being ruined for stepdad but refer to her as the girlfriend and describe she takes time to do the children's homework and reading with the kids

It's an issue that Dad is spending time hugging his girls when he will clearly miss them as they are far away and he doesn't see them everyday, I would be more concerned if he wasn't showing interest or affection

You are unhappy he has toys and clothes at his house he has purchased, do you happily hand over all the stuff you have bought? Guarantee you don't, the kids should have belongings with both parents

You complain and say he would rather work on Fridays than pick up, have you considered he needs to work, don't know many people who would rather work than have time off

Overall you have managed to come across as difficult and obstructive and clearly don't sound like you have the children's best interest at heart and are totally unreasonable, most people would consider stopping contact for serious issues such as neglect or the children being in danger and all you have described is a father who is dedicated and cherishes time with his kids. I really can't see what the issue here is other than you OP. I feel really sorry for your ex

Imagine your children were old enough to have an informed opinion. Now imagine asking them would they rather be home a bit late or significantly early, every fortnight, or not see their father at all.

Now imagine their answer.

It’s not about you though OP, it’s about the DC’s. My adult DS was in a very short relationship with his DD’s mum (before their DD was born) but he drives over an hour every other Friday to pick up his DD and returns her on a Sunday evening. He’s done this since she was a month old and she’s now 9. She eats a meal before they drive back and has a bath or shower on Sunday morning. He does her homework with her too. They split Xmas holidays and he collects her on Xmas Day too. She spends half term with DS and us and holidays abroad with DS and us too. She’s an integral part of our family and extended family. And she’s the most happy, balanced, child you could meet. And that’s because she has her Dad in her life, and his family too. It seems to me you’re looking for reasons to remove him (and by default his family) from your children’s life. They are half his (and half of him) whether you like it or not. If I was him I’d go to court, my DS would have (and still would if needs be) but his ex has realised that her DD comes first and they have a good relationship now - with their DD coming first. Children pick up on everything and if you’re negative about their Dad, then you’re raising children who’ll be in therapy when they’re older. And I can guarantee they’ll resent you too.

Tbh, you just sound very bitter and as though you're using your DCs to get at your ex. Kids need both parents - even if no longer together. Do your kids a favour and keep quiet. it seems they hardly see him as it is.

I wish more ex partners could be as reasonable as your son and his ex
my dh,s ex was very obstructive in their now adult daughters relationship with her dad
The people who get hurt the most are the kids .

OP - you've clearly got a huge chip on your shoulder.

Your partner of 36 months (I don't care how long he was friends with you before), is not their father. He can pay every bill going, that still won't make him their dad.

The fact you made their actual dad rush back, or tried to make him feel guilty for being 20 mins late on father's day, is a joke.

You aren't putting your kids first. You're putting your boyfriend first. Get a grip.

Why don't you just ask him to give them their dinner?

I'm now 61, if that makes a difference!

You do what people in normal split families do and have the celebration on a different day.

Instead of turning it into a negative competition you could easily turn it into an extra nice day and emphasis the bonus of having a Dad who loves them and a stepdad.

You can’t stop him, so you need to work around it .

cut short your Sunday evening routine. They won’t die if they don’t get Tv. Tea and a bath.

Feed then in front of the Tv. Give them a quick shower. Don’t arrange any events on your exs weekends .

and please don’t assume that people commenting don’t know what it’s like, most of us deal with a great deal worse.

if you are not happy with the child maintenance, go through CSA.

It wasn’t easy at the beginning. His ex lived with her mum and they moved house from around the corner to an hour (at least) away when his DD was one year old. No reason to move house other than to try and cut ties with him and us.
Yes it’s such a shame when mums are so obstructive as it’s the kids that are damaged.
My son-in-law has had to have therapy stemming from how his mum acted towards his Dad after they split when he was a child. Trying to make him choose between them. I honestly think it’s emotional child abuse.

Can he feed them at 5/5:30 and then drop back?

Most little ones eat early. 6:30/45 is quite late i think

It sounds like you needing to bath / feed them when they get in is the issue.

Since of course this is all about the welfare of the children (yeah, right), an easy solution would be for him to feed and bathe them, put them in their PJs and then transport them home with either a story book on tape or a DVD in the back of the car.

You can then put them straight to bed when they get in since all of the pre-bed routine will have been done.

They may end up going to bed a bit later but they will probably fall asleep at about the same time without all the rushing around (food! TV! baths!) you are trying to cram into at most an hour (and how on earth was a full Father’s Day meal supposed to be added to that? Why do I have the feeling you were fine keeping the kids up for something you wanted to do?)

If the kids are calm and a bit sleepy, it may help with their natural upset at knowing they aren’t going to see their Dad again for two weeks.

This would be ridiculous and it isn't a good enough reason to prevent contact. I think you would be in trouble if this went to court.

You don’t have the right to stop your children seeing their father. That’s it. End of.

It's 2 days a month!!!! YABVU and very controlling! I could understand being upset if he was dropping them back home late every day but it's 2 days a month, you are getting your knickers in a twist of a non-issue ffs. I wish my kids dad bothered to have them for even 1 day of their lives and here you are complaining about your ex dropping them off 20-40mins late when he's had to travel around 2hrs to get them back to you! No matter how much you plan things, traffic happens. You seriously need to grow up and pick your battles. At least he wants to be in their lives

AIBU to say he can’t have them if he can’t keep to 6pm?

Yes you are being unreasonable because the kids time with their dad on a regular basis more important than your annoyance with him being late. Keep their needs atthe centre not your annoyance with him when making decisions. And be glad that he doesnt want to bring them back at 5pm because he doesnt want to give up time with them ...at least he cares even if the lateness is annoying!

Could you ask him to feed the kids before dropping back?

Is there a court order in place?