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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To stop contact if he can’t keep to the time?

412 replies

BedtimesBackThen · 19/06/2023 10:49

My ex has our kids every other weekend but he keeps dropping them back late. It’s supposed to be 6pm but he’s usually at least twenty minutes late. It’s a long drive so I have to give them their tea and get them ready for school on Monday.

AIBU to say he can’t have them if he can’t keep to 6pm?

OP posts:
BestServedChilled · 21/06/2023 04:45

I think Yabu. He only sees them a few days a fortnight so it is quite hard to be anything other than a Disney dad - and you already said that he does get their homework done and washes them etc.

I don’t like that expression you used “he wastes time hugging them”. Just have some humanity. Their father wants to hug them and spend time with them. Yes he also wants to get at you, he hates you of course. But all the same he doesn’t hate his children and it sounds like they don’t hate him. If you know he’s always late just factor that in to your plans. You know they will be tired so have a simple snack ready, have the bath water drawn ready for the 5 year old and let the 7 year old shower themselves.

Then some stories to unwind then bed

Your kids will be picking up on your sour mood and it will create huge tension for them as the get older which is very unfair

snitzelvoncrumb · 21/06/2023 04:55

Talia99 · 21/06/2023 00:14

Even if she’s the one who moved away? Maybe it was him, we don’t know since she’s ignored the multiple people who have asked.

If he moved, I agree the travel is his issue to sort out. However, if she moved, the same goes for her.

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If he is deliberately being late with the kids and not paying his fare share toward the upbringing of his children, which he gets the fun parts while mum does the work yes he can travel to pick them up regardless of who moved.

Nanaof1 · 21/06/2023 05:33

BedtimesBackThen · 19/06/2023 11:09

I’m not really going to stop contact but I don’t know what else I can do to stop him being late. It means they’re tired for school and it’s not fair on them.

If they are in bed by 8-8:30, they should not be tired the next day.

I think you are searching for things to be angry about concerning your ex. Seems very petty and put you in a worse light than your ex.

Be like Elsa and just "Let It Go".

Horatiosmum · 21/06/2023 07:15

BedtimesBackThen · 19/06/2023 10:56

Sometimes it’s as much as 40 minutes. He should be checking the traffic before he sets off. They’re only young so it means I get barely any time with them before I put them to bed.

I think you've just stated the crux of the issue, its not the 20 to 40 minutes being late, its not that bedtime is pushed back, its that the extra 20 - 40 minutes are eating into YOUR time with them.

Now this may sound harsh but as long as they are back between 6 and 7 what diffrence does it actually make?

I bet if you were bringing them back from an exciting day out you wouldn't think twice if you were back at 6.40pm and needed to bath them and start winding down. Is this an issue because it's your ex so there is a whole lot of baggage here that's driving this resentment.

As a parent you need to put the needs of your children first, what would it do to them if you stoped the contact? How confused and hurt would they be, he IS there father.

What would a court say if he pushed (and rightly so) for access, do you want to put yourself and the children through this?

Be honest with yourself, the issue isn't him, or the children it reads as if you still have a lot of issues around not being together. Children are not weapons to hurt the ex partner. You'll only damage the children in the long run.

CM1897 · 21/06/2023 08:07

snitzelvoncrumb · 21/06/2023 04:55

If he is deliberately being late with the kids and not paying his fare share toward the upbringing of his children, which he gets the fun parts while mum does the work yes he can travel to pick them up regardless of who moved.

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OP does half the traveling so your point is pointless

snitzelvoncrumb · 21/06/2023 08:14

CM1897 · 21/06/2023 08:07

OP does half the traveling so your point is pointless

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My point is, I would do none of the travel. But I wouldn’t stop access.

x2boys · 21/06/2023 08:18

snitzelvoncrumb · 21/06/2023 08:14

My point is, I would do none of the travel. But I wouldn’t stop access.

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Yes but it's not about you .

endofthelinefinally · 21/06/2023 08:19

DH used to take the DC over to grandparents (2hours away) once a fortnight. On that evening they had dinner there, bath and into PJs, straight to bed on arrival back home. They were used to the routine and it worked fine.
I think you are being very unreasonable over this. Making a huge mountain out of a tiny molehill.

Solonge · 21/06/2023 08:31

BedtimesBackThen · 19/06/2023 11:10

What time do you other mums get their kids back? I don’t think I’m being unreasonable to say 6:40pm is far too late

What age are they? 3? 4? I have my grandkids every week for a night…2, 4 and 8. They all are fine with an 8pm (to 9pm) bedtime and wake their normal time. You are way too stressy. You may have arranged a step fathers day meal but your ex is their birth dad. Turn the tables. How would you feel if your ex was demanding your kids early on mothers day as he had arranged a step mothers day dinner for the kids. You are equally parents. You have no more claim to the children than he has. Stop for one minute and realise your anger at this is affecting the children much more than them getting back late….even if its an hour late. You are being terribly petty, in time your kids will tell you this. Relax and be nice when they get back to the kids and your partner, the carrot works better than the stick!

Solonge · 21/06/2023 08:35

BedtimesBackThen · 19/06/2023 11:37

They go to bed at 7pm on school nights with me. It’s 8pm or later with their dad but that’s another story. If they get home at quarter to 7 there’s no time for tea, bath, TV, and settling them down at all

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Yes there is! Stop running their lives like an army camp…they will be less emotional and calmer if you stop being so angry and stressed about silly stuff. Just deal with one night a week that is not regimented. To suggest your present partner is a better dad because he raises them and finances them is unfair. You chose to have kids with your ex, so dont blame him.

forfortiessake · 21/06/2023 08:38

I think the OP has probably got the point now. Maybe we should cut her some slack. As a co parent, I understand those moments of frustration and rage and we don't know the full back story. I'm pretty sure she is a great mum and with the best will in the world all co parents are only human! I think she probably won't be cutting contact but wrote it in a moment of frustration (I know for one, I've been there) xxx

Makemyday99 · 21/06/2023 08:39

This is nothing to do with what is in their best interests & everything to do with control. To even suggest that you would consider stopping contact is appalling, you don’t own your children & it’s their right to see their Dad not yours to give & take as you see fit. Seriously get a grip

Solonge · 21/06/2023 08:45

BedtimesBackThen · 19/06/2023 11:51

I’m not changing my story! I expect most parents here don’t have to put up with an ex being persistently disrespectful and late.

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You seem like hard work! Kids survive all sorts of terrible things in life. Check out what children are dealing with in Ukraine. Compare that to going yo bed an hour late every couple of weeks. You come over as someone who wants it all her own way.

My parents used to fight when I was a kid. My mother would leave and we would be left with my dad. At 9 i was told i was now going to have to look after my brothers and cook etc. I survived that fine, but when I became an adult and learned why my mum left I can promise you that my dad was made to suffer.

If you dont want your kids to resent your behaviour with their dad, stop being so determinedly regimented. Whats best for the kids is two parents who can be friendly, all of their stress will disappear. As for your partner being a great dad and the girls wanting to show their love, didnt have to be fathers day did it? Any day would do.

Frankola · 21/06/2023 08:51

Having read all your posts OP it's pretty clear you and your partner are trying to eradicate the kids dad from your lives. It's obvious parental alienation.

You want the kids back earlier as you and your partner like a family Sunday dinner? Tough. They're with their dad. They only see him twice a month.

You are annoyed because on fathers day they spent time with their ACTUAL DAD rather than your partner? Tough. He's their dad and it was fathers day.

You say your partner pays for the kids home. Well sorry, but YOU should be paying for their home.

Regardless of you and your partner trying to play happy families you cannot change the fact that this man is your kids dad and you shouldn't be trying to remove him from the picture.

Jack80 · 21/06/2023 09:27

Why not try and compromise and ask ex to feed the children before they are brought home to you. x

BodyKeepingScore · 21/06/2023 09:30

Yes, it's absolutely unreasonable to stop your children having contact with their dad over being 20 mins late coming home. But my guess is that this is where you'll start drip feeding about all the other reasons to justify doing it. Nobody in their right mind would allow their children's relationship with their parent to break down over such a minor inconvenience.

BodyKeepingScore · 21/06/2023 09:31

BedtimesBackThen · 19/06/2023 10:56

Sometimes it’s as much as 40 minutes. He should be checking the traffic before he sets off. They’re only young so it means I get barely any time with them before I put them to bed.

Maybe he feels like his every other weekend is barely any time with them... and you're going to stop them seeing him altogether over 20-40mins? Because you aren't getting enough time with them? Huuuge overreaction.

BodyKeepingScore · 21/06/2023 09:32

Fiddlerdragon · 19/06/2023 10:58

And he has no time at all with them during the 12 out of 14 days that you have them. What an utter prick you’d have to be to stop your children seeing their father as he’s minutes late dropping them off every other weekend

This.

BodyKeepingScore · 21/06/2023 09:35

Thelnebriati · 19/06/2023 11:16

Keep an incident diary and record every single incident - date, time, and what happened. It could be that his routine means there's a good reason why he's consistently 20 minutes late.
Or it could be he is doing it on purpose and its part of a wider pattern.

If you only had your children for 2 days out of every 14, would you not try to eke out as much time as you possibly could? He's not returning them home hours late.

existingusername · 21/06/2023 09:41

BedtimesBackThen · 19/06/2023 11:22

DD2 isn’t even 5 yet, she’s in reception. DD1 is 7. They have a fun time at their dad’s but he’s not the one who has to do school runs and their normal life.

My partner raises them. We like having dinner all together and every other Sunday evening is just a rush with emotional children and ruined dinner plans. If my ex just stuck to what’s agreed it wouldn’t be like that.

You sound like a right dick.

Ffion21 · 21/06/2023 09:51

This is horrific you’re even asking this.

A dad loves his children, does their homework and ensures they’re cared for, showered etc….20 minutes and you want to propose stopping contact?!

This is shameful. Many children have absent fathers, would kill to have a relationship with their dad, and you’re upset over twenty minutes.

Do what’s right for your children. Not you. You come second. 20 minutes isn’t a major issue for school the next day, be realistic.

It also sounds like the dads girlfriend is helping too by doing reading etc. This should also be applauded - she cares for your children.

Can’t they just have dinner at his before they leave? Is your annoyance misplaced and you don’t like the fact he’s moved on, has a girlfriend etc?

CM1897 · 21/06/2023 11:27

forfortiessake · 21/06/2023 08:38

I think the OP has probably got the point now. Maybe we should cut her some slack. As a co parent, I understand those moments of frustration and rage and we don't know the full back story. I'm pretty sure she is a great mum and with the best will in the world all co parents are only human! I think she probably won't be cutting contact but wrote it in a moment of frustration (I know for one, I've been there) xxx

It sounds like she wants rid of the real father do the step father can take over. There are so many terrible parents to try to alienate their children from their other parent. It should be illegal

CurtainBlind · 21/06/2023 12:58

You can’t do much. He says he wants more time with his kids. Maybe take that at face value and see it as a positive.

Change your expectations of Sunday evenings. Forget the proper meal. Let it be snack night, then bed. With a quick shower if needed. That might not be ideal but it is good enough.

KingOfThieves · 21/06/2023 13:01

Does your children’s relationship with their father really mean so little to you?

No one is disputing that it is annoying.

Start running a bath at 6:20 and have a snack ready. No reason they shouldn’t still be in bed by 7/7.15

pollymere · 21/06/2023 13:43

Think how long it can take to get kids in a car and make sure they've got everything and nothing is forgotten. I think you're being very harsh and unfair. You do get to see them - you get the whole of the rest of the time with them. His time with them is precious and limited. Don't reduce it further. Maybe say they need to be back by six but no later than 18:30. Give him a window to aim for.