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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I gave my boyfriend an ultimatum I know he will fail, so we can breakup?

173 replies

crabtheway · 18/06/2023 22:12

My boyfriend and I have been together for a couple of months but over the last couple of weeks it’s become transparent we’re not compatible.

He’s addicted to weed and his home looks like a squatters den. Time after time he said he would change and cut back on his consumption and clean his home. I’d post pictures of the worst room if I could but I fear he’ll somehow find this thread.

I have tried to help my boyfriend. I have cleaned his home but within a couple of days it was worse than before, and the mouldy bottles with fruit flies I bagged are still by his front door (weeks later) waiting to be brought to the bottle bank.

I’ve organised all of our trips away, I pay for most of our trips away and dates, and I am more than loving toward him. He’s financially stable and more well off than I am, but has had lived life having everything handed to him on a silver spoon.

I enjoyed our relationship initially but now I want out. Unfortunately, he’s not the type of guy you can just break up with, so I have given him an ultimatum I know he will fail. He has two weeks to clean his house entirely and reduce his weed consumption. I haven’t told my boyfriend this but I did flush one full bottle and the remaining liquid he had (THC liquid) down the toilet (unsure if he has more) to try and help.

He knows I’m unhappy and who he is right now is not the person I want to be with long term. During these two weeks we will not meet but do our own thing with our own friends. I want him to get into a routine and build habits within these two weeks that he can continue to build on until they become concrete and apart of his routine.

The thing is, I know he’s not going to change because he has said he will and then proves he won’t. AIBU for giving him an ultimatum even though I will be breaking up with him regardless? The ultimatum was more for his benefit than my own and to encourage him into good habits, but also to prepare him for a breakup. As I said, he’s not the type of person you can just breakup with so this was my only real way out.

OP posts:
Dacadactyl · 18/06/2023 22:15

Are you scared of him?

I think you should just break up with him and be done with it.

I also think you shouldn't have another relationship with anyone until you have counselling because this is not a healthy way for you to be living/thinking/worrying.

BananaSpanner · 18/06/2023 22:15

This is only dramatic in your own head. Just dump your boyfriend.

UpUpUpU · 18/06/2023 22:15

It what way do you mean he’s not the type of guy you can break up with?

Ohmylovejune · 18/06/2023 22:15

It seems very convoluted way to break up what's a straight forward incompatible relationship but I guess it gives him time to adjust to the idea.

Of course, he might not fail! Even if you still leave he will have a tidy house, which isn't a bad thing.

steff13 · 18/06/2023 22:16

I don't understand him not being the type of guy you can break up with. Are you afraid of him? If not you absolutely can break up with him just do it.

hattyhathat · 18/06/2023 22:16

he’s not the type of person you can just breakup with why not - are you in fear of your own safety?

Sunnydaysareuponus · 18/06/2023 22:17

Op he isn't a spaniel. You really can't train him.

ThreeCoursesForMe · 18/06/2023 22:18

He will have to be the type you just break up with when you dump him. You don't need a phased exit from someone who spends their time smoking weed, he sounds beyond awful. Get rid and stand your ground, be around other people and put your safety first. Best of luck you'll be fine

L3ThirtySeven · 18/06/2023 22:18

Mind games are never the answer. Just break up with him.

Whenwillitallmakesense · 18/06/2023 22:18

Why is he not the sort of person you can just break up with but...you're going to break up with him anyway?
And what if complies with your ultimatum? You going to stay with in the hope he's suddenly changed all his bad habits?
What on earth did you see in someone who is a complete stoner and is capable of living on such a filthy environment.
Stop messing about and just finish the rationship

Original poster
crabtheway · 18/06/2023 22:19

Dacadactyl · 18/06/2023 22:15

Are you scared of him?

I think you should just break up with him and be done with it.

I also think you shouldn't have another relationship with anyone until you have counselling because this is not a healthy way for you to be living/thinking/worrying.

I’m not scared of him but scared of what he could do. I think he could harm himself or end up worse than he already is. He says I’m responsible for a lot of his happiness and I’ve improved his life. He has a history of depression and was previously in an abusive relationship where he contemplated life a lot. While I know our relationship is the opposite, I just fear he would do something very irrational or threaten too.

Yes, I do agree, after we breakup I will be taking the time to focus on my own self and try find my happiness and independence again away from my boyfriend. I’ve lost so much of myself by trying to help him. Counselling definitely isn’t a bad idea!

OP posts:
hattyhathat · 18/06/2023 22:20

Not your responsibility. As long as you do it kindly and then leave him alone

Singleandproud · 18/06/2023 22:21

After only a few months this is barely a relationship, if you have all your possessions then don't ghost him but send him a text saying it's not working for you anymore, you both want different things and that you wish him luck in the future and then block him.

If you need to pick up and swap things do just that and then end it. If you've swapped keys then get your locks replaced.

Merryoldgoat · 18/06/2023 22:21

None of that is your responsibility. He is an adult making his own choices.

I’m so over all these women making themselves responsible for these feckless men.

Dacadactyl · 18/06/2023 22:22

crabtheway · 18/06/2023 22:19

I’m not scared of him but scared of what he could do. I think he could harm himself or end up worse than he already is. He says I’m responsible for a lot of his happiness and I’ve improved his life. He has a history of depression and was previously in an abusive relationship where he contemplated life a lot. While I know our relationship is the opposite, I just fear he would do something very irrational or threaten too.

Yes, I do agree, after we breakup I will be taking the time to focus on my own self and try find my happiness and independence again away from my boyfriend. I’ve lost so much of myself by trying to help him. Counselling definitely isn’t a bad idea!

Show quote history

OK well if he does something, that's not on you.

He's trying to emotionally manipulate you. Just break up with him.

MagpiePi · 18/06/2023 22:23

How have you stuck with him for a few months? I’d have been out of there after the first time if seeing how he lived, and I certainly wouldn’t have cleaned up his filth.

You’re not responsible for making him better after his previous relationship and you’re not responsible for him after you’ve dumped him. The sooner you walk away, the better.

Thepeopleversuswork · 18/06/2023 22:23

None of this is your problem. You are not his mental health support or his doctor. Just break up with him. Life’s too fucking short.

Original poster
crabtheway · 18/06/2023 22:24

crabtheway · 18/06/2023 22:12

My boyfriend and I have been together for a couple of months but over the last couple of weeks it’s become transparent we’re not compatible.

He’s addicted to weed and his home looks like a squatters den. Time after time he said he would change and cut back on his consumption and clean his home. I’d post pictures of the worst room if I could but I fear he’ll somehow find this thread.

I have tried to help my boyfriend. I have cleaned his home but within a couple of days it was worse than before, and the mouldy bottles with fruit flies I bagged are still by his front door (weeks later) waiting to be brought to the bottle bank.

I’ve organised all of our trips away, I pay for most of our trips away and dates, and I am more than loving toward him. He’s financially stable and more well off than I am, but has had lived life having everything handed to him on a silver spoon.

I enjoyed our relationship initially but now I want out. Unfortunately, he’s not the type of guy you can just break up with, so I have given him an ultimatum I know he will fail. He has two weeks to clean his house entirely and reduce his weed consumption. I haven’t told my boyfriend this but I did flush one full bottle and the remaining liquid he had (THC liquid) down the toilet (unsure if he has more) to try and help.

He knows I’m unhappy and who he is right now is not the person I want to be with long term. During these two weeks we will not meet but do our own thing with our own friends. I want him to get into a routine and build habits within these two weeks that he can continue to build on until they become concrete and apart of his routine.

The thing is, I know he’s not going to change because he has said he will and then proves he won’t. AIBU for giving him an ultimatum even though I will be breaking up with him regardless? The ultimatum was more for his benefit than my own and to encourage him into good habits, but also to prepare him for a breakup. As I said, he’s not the type of person you can just breakup with so this was my only real way out.

CONTEXT:

The reason why he’s not the type of guy you can just breakup is because he was previously in an abusive relationship where he contemplated life a lot. Once he became free from their relationship, he isolated himself from his friends and became very depressed.

He’s very insecure and paranoid. I constantly have to reassure him he looks good and I only have eyes for him. If I breakup with him without warning he will question why, accuse me of being with someone else, and will go off on one about how I wasted his time by building him up to kick him back down again (it’s happened in the past when I tried to end things suddenly). I fear he will do something silly or threaten too. He holds me responsible for a lot of happiness and said I’ve improved his life. I feel a lot of pressure to be there for him because of things he has said.

I’m not scared of him but I’m scared of what he could do or threaten to do.

OP posts:
Stratocumulus · 18/06/2023 22:24

hattyhathat · 18/06/2023 22:20

Not your responsibility. As long as you do it kindly and then leave him alone

As above. Just do it.

He is not your responsibility and you can’t be his crutch because of his previous bad relationship history. Just do what you have to do to finish it & stop the mind games of setting him up to fail. What’s the point?

piedbeauty · 18/06/2023 22:25

You've only been with him a nanosecond. Just tell him it's not working then block him.

You don't owe him anything.

The Freedom Programme might help you - you really shouldn't be cleaning drug-addicted boyfriends' flats two months in. This is supposed to be your honeymoon period. You're not here to fix broken men.

Singleandproud · 18/06/2023 22:25

He is an adult and responsible for his own actions. If he tells you that he is going to self harm or worse you ring the police for a welfare check and contact any family he has a positive relationship if you have their details. He learns not to cry wolf, his family can support hom

NotMyDayJob · 18/06/2023 22:26

Did you post the other day and eventually you want to emigrate to Australia? If not there is someone in the exact same situation as you.

You/both of you just need to break up with these dreadful men already.

DaaamnYoullDo · 18/06/2023 22:26

You've been together a couple of MONTHS. And you're cleaning his house for him? Wtaf? There should be no ultimatums at this stage. There is no potential for a good life with this man. None. This is his very best, it is downhill from here. Get rid. Break up with him then block his number. You're not responsible for his happiness. Same trope my abusive ex laid onto me, I lost ten years to him, don't be me.

hattyhathat · 18/06/2023 22:26

You aren't here to "save" him

Original poster
crabtheway · 18/06/2023 22:28

Whenwillitallmakesense · 18/06/2023 22:18

Why is he not the sort of person you can just break up with but...you're going to break up with him anyway?
And what if complies with your ultimatum? You going to stay with in the hope he's suddenly changed all his bad habits?
What on earth did you see in someone who is a complete stoner and is capable of living on such a filthy environment.
Stop messing about and just finish the rationship

I never knew the extent of his living arrangements until a few months in. We always spent time at mine until I moved away. If I knew in the early days I would’ve ran but I felt like I was in too deep once I found out.

I never knew just how bad the weed situation was either until we started to text and call more. He could barely hold a conversation and spoke so much waffle and it was only as I got to know him more and spend more time with him did I realize why; he was high!

OP posts: