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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I gave my boyfriend an ultimatum I know he will fail, so we can breakup?

173 replies

crabtheway · 18/06/2023 22:12

My boyfriend and I have been together for a couple of months but over the last couple of weeks it’s become transparent we’re not compatible.

He’s addicted to weed and his home looks like a squatters den. Time after time he said he would change and cut back on his consumption and clean his home. I’d post pictures of the worst room if I could but I fear he’ll somehow find this thread.

I have tried to help my boyfriend. I have cleaned his home but within a couple of days it was worse than before, and the mouldy bottles with fruit flies I bagged are still by his front door (weeks later) waiting to be brought to the bottle bank.

I’ve organised all of our trips away, I pay for most of our trips away and dates, and I am more than loving toward him. He’s financially stable and more well off than I am, but has had lived life having everything handed to him on a silver spoon.

I enjoyed our relationship initially but now I want out. Unfortunately, he’s not the type of guy you can just break up with, so I have given him an ultimatum I know he will fail. He has two weeks to clean his house entirely and reduce his weed consumption. I haven’t told my boyfriend this but I did flush one full bottle and the remaining liquid he had (THC liquid) down the toilet (unsure if he has more) to try and help.

He knows I’m unhappy and who he is right now is not the person I want to be with long term. During these two weeks we will not meet but do our own thing with our own friends. I want him to get into a routine and build habits within these two weeks that he can continue to build on until they become concrete and apart of his routine.

The thing is, I know he’s not going to change because he has said he will and then proves he won’t. AIBU for giving him an ultimatum even though I will be breaking up with him regardless? The ultimatum was more for his benefit than my own and to encourage him into good habits, but also to prepare him for a breakup. As I said, he’s not the type of person you can just breakup with so this was my only real way out.

OP posts:
Katiebaby13 · 18/06/2023 22:48

But if you're scared he could harm himself, why set him up to fail? He could feel even worse about himself then. I'm confused why you'd want to do that and then dump him

TiaraBoo · 18/06/2023 22:48

So it’s either been a couple of months or 7 months. Either way just dump his arse if you want to. If he asks why, say it’s been a shit relationship and it’s supposed to be the honeymoon period.

Dotcheck · 18/06/2023 22:50

Don’t play mind games.
Just tell him you don’t think you are compatible enough to go to the next level.
If he starts manipulating block him and do not ever unblock or get together to ‘talk’.

Seriously

Starlia · 18/06/2023 22:51

You are not responsible for his happiness. You are not responsible for what he might do or how depressed he might feel. He is an adult who should fjnd a doctor or therapy to help with these medical issues.
He sounds like an emotionally abusive person if these are the kind of manipulative threats he is making. A relationship shouldn't make you feel trapped.
Break up with him kindly, block and concentrate on your own health and wellbeing.

Northernsouloldies · 18/06/2023 22:56

8 weeks in can you be arsed with the drama. Move on and forget.

theGooHasGone · 18/06/2023 22:56

I voted unreasonable for the simple premise that if you don't want to be with someone, you don't have to be. It doesn't need a mind game, and what he does after you break up is not your problem. He sounds like a lost cause. Someone has to actually want to change for it to stick.

TallerThanAverage · 18/06/2023 22:58

crabtheway · 18/06/2023 22:28

I never knew the extent of his living arrangements until a few months in. We always spent time at mine until I moved away. If I knew in the early days I would’ve ran but I felt like I was in too deep once I found out.

I never knew just how bad the weed situation was either until we started to text and call more. He could barely hold a conversation and spoke so much waffle and it was only as I got to know him more and spend more time with him did I realize why; he was high!

Show quote history

Your OP said that you’ve only been seeing each other for a couple of months.

LaBefana · 18/06/2023 22:58

You've been with him a couple of months, you've tried to fix his life, it hasn't worked, and now you've given him a fake ultimatum so you can dump him? Pardon me, lady, but you sound totally crazy. Just dump and block.

If I breakup with him without warning he will question why, accuse me of being with someone else, and will go off on one about how I wasted his time by building him up to kick him back down again (it’s happened in the past when I tried to end things suddenly). I fear he will do something silly or threaten to

That's bollocks, and I think you know it. So bloody what? You'll be gone.

Batalax · 18/06/2023 22:59

Shut sandwich time.

Tell him he’s lovely, but you can’t deal with his weed habit or the state of his house. Any changes he makes now will be too late as you’ve already emotionally exited the relationship, but you hope your advice to clean up his act and home, will help him with his next relationship as he is indeed a truly lovely bloke.

Thats a nice way of not criticising him, but more his lifestyle.

Batalax · 18/06/2023 23:00

Sorry. Shit sandwich time not shut sandwich.
compliment-criticism-compliment

Kitkatcatflap · 18/06/2023 23:01

Another one who thinks it's the weed making him depressed, insecure and paranoid.

Walk away now. He and his lifestyle is not for you. Stop being melodramatic with your tasks and quests. Just end it.

SoccerStars · 18/06/2023 23:02

piedbeauty · 18/06/2023 22:25

You've only been with him a nanosecond. Just tell him it's not working then block him.

You don't owe him anything.

The Freedom Programme might help you - you really shouldn't be cleaning drug-addicted boyfriends' flats two months in. This is supposed to be your honeymoon period. You're not here to fix broken men.

Not only that but paying for most of your trips and dates when he earns more than you ? Why?

SpilltheTea · 18/06/2023 23:02

Focus on yourself for a change and get yourself out of this miserable mess. Break up with him and leave him to it. You can't fix him and you deserve better.

PaigeMatthews · 18/06/2023 23:05

Batalax · 18/06/2023 22:59

Shut sandwich time.

Tell him he’s lovely, but you can’t deal with his weed habit or the state of his house. Any changes he makes now will be too late as you’ve already emotionally exited the relationship, but you hope your advice to clean up his act and home, will help him with his next relationship as he is indeed a truly lovely bloke.

Thats a nice way of not criticising him, but more his lifestyle.

This. Then block him. Then have counselling and deal with whatever trauma had you look at him twice.

Judelawswife68 · 18/06/2023 23:05

Just get rid.

Quiverer · 18/06/2023 23:06

Men who try to pressurise women into staying with them by making their partners responsible for their mental health are simply manipulative. They invariably don't follow through on their threats of suicide etc. If this man really cared about you he would have sorted out his flat and his weed habit the first time you helped him out. Tell him that it's obvious that he doesn't really care about you, the relationship is going nowhere, you're leaving, and walk firmly away.

sadsack78 · 18/06/2023 23:08

I'm sorry you've ended up in this position.
as much as it hurts you need to end this relationship. If anything, you walking out might be the wakeup call he needs to get help.
If you stay with him and continue the pattern you've outlined in your post, it's actually enabling his addiction and dysfunction because he will think if you're okay with it he doesn't need to change.

you need to gather your strength and bite the bullet. You need to say in your own words that you're in compatible, that you wish him well and care for him but you're leaving.

do it now. This could drag on for years and years and not get better. He has made it clear he's not emotionally well and will emotionally blackmail you into staying .

Tiddlypomtiddlypom · 18/06/2023 23:08

Am I right in thinking I recognise you @crabtheway?

You’re 24, he’s in his 30s, he’s lazy as shit, high all the time, was given a house to own, and has parents who sort out and pay for everything? He has plenty more money than you but still expects you to pay for everything? And you have plans to move to Aus? Plans that he’s planning on tagging along with? And he has mouldy pillows…?

You have to just be straight. End it. And importantly, block him. Prevent him from manipulating you (because that is what it would be) with pretend threats of harming himself. He’s too lazy and self-indulgent to sever harm himself.

Save yourself from this total and utter waster.

MargotBamborough · 18/06/2023 23:10

I think he sounds like exactly the kind of person you can (and should) just break up with!

MrsTerryPratchett · 18/06/2023 23:12

Batalax · 18/06/2023 22:59

Shut sandwich time.

Tell him he’s lovely, but you can’t deal with his weed habit or the state of his house. Any changes he makes now will be too late as you’ve already emotionally exited the relationship, but you hope your advice to clean up his act and home, will help him with his next relationship as he is indeed a truly lovely bloke.

Thats a nice way of not criticising him, but more his lifestyle.

Excellent advice.

And then DON'T engage. So what if he thinks we have met someone else or were lying? Who cares.

You have a script that you have to be nice and kind all the time, don't you? And it gets you into situations like this. You need to reprogram yourself. It isn't OK to subsume yourself into other people.

PaigeMatthews · 18/06/2023 23:13

He has a history of depression and was previously in an abusive relationship
He is a weed addicted emotional manipulator. What makes you think he wasnt the abuser?!

Zarataralara · 18/06/2023 23:13

He says I’m responsible for a lot of his happiness and I’ve improved his life. He has a history of depression and was previously in an abusive relationship where he contemplated life a lot. While I know our relationship is the opposite, I just fear he would do something very irrational or threaten too.

ignore this crap. Don’t give it headspace. It is manipulation to make you become his enabler. I’ve been there, have the t shirt.
Walk away. He’s an adult, he’s responsible for himself. Be imi g more engaged with him is a downward spiral for you , guaranteed.

DrJump · 18/06/2023 23:14

Get. Out. Get out now. Fixing drug addicts is not something you can do. They need to get clean themselves. They need to stay clean themselves. Then they can start to form healthy relationships.

Littlewhitecat · 18/06/2023 23:17

Dear God you've been in a relationship for 10 weeks max - ditch him and move on. I've been married for 25 years and i wouldn't put up with this shit

Parky04 · 18/06/2023 23:17

Just dump him. It really isn't that difficult!