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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I gave my boyfriend an ultimatum I know he will fail, so we can breakup?

173 replies

crabtheway · 18/06/2023 22:12

My boyfriend and I have been together for a couple of months but over the last couple of weeks it’s become transparent we’re not compatible.

He’s addicted to weed and his home looks like a squatters den. Time after time he said he would change and cut back on his consumption and clean his home. I’d post pictures of the worst room if I could but I fear he’ll somehow find this thread.

I have tried to help my boyfriend. I have cleaned his home but within a couple of days it was worse than before, and the mouldy bottles with fruit flies I bagged are still by his front door (weeks later) waiting to be brought to the bottle bank.

I’ve organised all of our trips away, I pay for most of our trips away and dates, and I am more than loving toward him. He’s financially stable and more well off than I am, but has had lived life having everything handed to him on a silver spoon.

I enjoyed our relationship initially but now I want out. Unfortunately, he’s not the type of guy you can just break up with, so I have given him an ultimatum I know he will fail. He has two weeks to clean his house entirely and reduce his weed consumption. I haven’t told my boyfriend this but I did flush one full bottle and the remaining liquid he had (THC liquid) down the toilet (unsure if he has more) to try and help.

He knows I’m unhappy and who he is right now is not the person I want to be with long term. During these two weeks we will not meet but do our own thing with our own friends. I want him to get into a routine and build habits within these two weeks that he can continue to build on until they become concrete and apart of his routine.

The thing is, I know he’s not going to change because he has said he will and then proves he won’t. AIBU for giving him an ultimatum even though I will be breaking up with him regardless? The ultimatum was more for his benefit than my own and to encourage him into good habits, but also to prepare him for a breakup. As I said, he’s not the type of person you can just breakup with so this was my only real way out.

OP posts:
pollykitty · 19/06/2023 06:23

‘Unfortunately, he’s not the type of guy you can just break up with’

What. Why not. Dump him, ghost him, walk away. You cannot change someone who wants to do drugs. Potheads are the worst. Why can’t you see what is clear to everyone — he’s a loser and you’re nuts to stay particularly as it’s been 2 months. 2 months. You’re this emotionally invested at 2 MONTHS. Get real!

Oysterbabe · 19/06/2023 06:28

If you're worried about his mental health then don't set him up to fail then let him blame himself for the end of the relationship. Tell him the truth, you're not compatible and you aren't feeling it then move on. Stringing him along like this is cruel.

hattie43 · 19/06/2023 06:29

For goodness sake you're only 2 months in , far too much over thinking on a short relationship.
He sounds disgusting and you aren't responsible for his health and happiness.
Just leave and get on with your life .

JudgeRinderonTinder · 19/06/2023 06:30

You don’t make sense. If he’s not the type of guy you can just break up with then he won’t take kindly to you breaking up with him whether you have a valid reason or ultimatum or not, is he? If he’s the type to get angry, then it doesn’t matter what reason you give for breaking up, he won’t take it well.

Just break up now, rip the plaster off and get it over, make sure you’ve got some good support around you if possible in case of a bad reaction.

NeverDropYourMooncup · 19/06/2023 06:35

crabtheway · 18/06/2023 22:24

CONTEXT:

The reason why he’s not the type of guy you can just breakup is because he was previously in an abusive relationship where he contemplated life a lot. Once he became free from their relationship, he isolated himself from his friends and became very depressed.

He’s very insecure and paranoid. I constantly have to reassure him he looks good and I only have eyes for him. If I breakup with him without warning he will question why, accuse me of being with someone else, and will go off on one about how I wasted his time by building him up to kick him back down again (it’s happened in the past when I tried to end things suddenly). I fear he will do something silly or threaten too. He holds me responsible for a lot of happiness and said I’ve improved his life. I feel a lot of pressure to be there for him because of things he has said.

I’m not scared of him but I’m scared of what he could do or threaten to do.

Show quote history

Unless the context involves him hurting you physically, whatever this stinking, filthy, whining, manipulative little turd does or doesn't do isn't your fucking problem.

whydoesitalwayshappentome · 19/06/2023 06:46

He sounds utterly revolting. Why on earth would you want to be with him? There appears to be no redeeming features. At the end of the day he is responsible for his own actions, if he harms himself as a response to you breaking up with him, that is on him alone.

Bogeyes · 19/06/2023 06:49

He managed before you met him. No doubt he will manage afterwards. Smoking weed is not the answer to his mental health problems. You need to leave him or you will remain unhappy. You are not the solution to his problems.

Jifmicroliquid · 19/06/2023 06:53

Playing stupid little mind games and then dumping him is far worse than just dumping him.
You’ve only been together for 5 minutes!

Bananalanacake · 19/06/2023 06:55

Whatever you do, don't let him move in with you, that is what this type often tries to do

LolaSmiles · 19/06/2023 07:04

Women are not support animals for men.
It's not women's jobs to fix men's issues.

Some men like to emotionally manipulate and guilt trip women to position their latest girlfriend into saviour meets mother role.

The guilt tripping increases if they sense that the woman is about to put boundaries in place. Often this will happen in the form of stories about awful ex partners who damaged them, suggestions that they might harm themselves or take their own (but rarely strong enough to be an open threat, just enough to make the woman feel bad about leaving in case she becomes 'responsible' for any harm).

You don't need to give him an ultimatum. He'll turn that into victim story fodder (eg waaaah you're so mean, you knew how my exes built me up and kicked me when I'm down and now you're doing the same thing. How could you expect me to sort myself out when you know I need you to do it. It's really your fault I....)

MargotBamborough · 19/06/2023 07:13

If he's the kind of guy who will threaten to top himself if you break up with him, waiting two weeks for him to fail to get his act together will make zero difference.

He's not going to say, "Oh well, you gave me a chance to stop living in squalor and doing drugs but I didn't clean up my act so I guess I deserve this."

GrannypantsMagee · 19/06/2023 07:14

I'll make a guess that you don't know he was in an abusive relationship before he met you. That's the explanation he has given you to explain the sorry situation he is in. You feel sorry for him and you wanted to rescue him.

It's likely he is in this situation due to his own actions, that's why his life is this way. You're not being totally unreasonable to give him an ultimatum, although calling time on this several months ago would have been much better. Danger is he'll do just enough that you feel sorry for him again, you waver in your resolve and feel maybe it's worth another go.

FlamingoQueen · 19/06/2023 07:14

He is not your problem. Just walk away and don’t look back. You owe him nothing.

Thoughtful2355 · 19/06/2023 07:18

well november isnt a couple of months as a couple means two.
so 7 months, to be honest i would just cut him loose, anything that happens after that is his own fault not yours, i would just tell him all the reasons why you cant be with him but the biggest reason is that not only is he unable to change, He is using you as his hero, That isnt fair on you.. he cant just use you like that and then emotionally blackmail you to stay with him too.

Gettingbysomehow · 19/06/2023 07:21

For God's sake just end it. Tell him straight you can't go out with someone who lives like this and smokes weed all the time.
His mental health is NOT your problem. This is how people like him hang onto girlfriends.
If you want a happy life you are going to have to harden up and stop wasting your life on people like this.
There is a bloke like him on every street. A complete loser, two for a penny. Set your sights higher.
If he wanted to change he would have done so already.

jeaux90 · 19/06/2023 07:23

He's addicted to weed, he lives in a pigsty just finish it JFC.

Women are not support humans for useless men.

AlligatorPsychopath · 19/06/2023 07:28

Christ alive, you aren't his wife of ten years, you're a girlfriend who's been around for five minutes. You're hardly the foundation of his wellbeing and contentment. Just dump him, and then you need to ask yourself some hard questions about why you enmeshed yourself like this and why you like thinking he "needs" you so much instead of doing what any sane person would have done and fucked him off.

Sapphire387 · 19/06/2023 07:30

I would say surely nobody is this naive, and then I remember what I was like when I was young.

Please take it from myself and the many posters who have posted. This man is no good. No good can come of this relationship. He is not your responsibility. Please leave. No games necessary, just leave. If he kills himself, that is not on you. But my bet is that it's just an empty threat.

Donotshushme · 19/06/2023 07:31

You've been together 2 months. 8 weeks.

leopard22 · 19/06/2023 07:40

You're not there to be his saviour or to make him change, if he wanted to he would.

Yerroblemom1923 · 19/06/2023 07:40

@crabtheway would you stay with him if he did actually do as you've asked and clean up his act/ house? Bearing in mind it sounds like he's been stoned for the duration of your relationship, do you even know him?

AgentProvocateur · 19/06/2023 07:52

Dump him and get some counselling to raise your self esteem and learn how to put in boundaries.

bonzaitree · 19/06/2023 08:11

OP, I mean this gently but he sounds like the opposite of someone you should be in a relationship with.

i suggest you get a counsellor and talk through why you have accepted someone into your life who does not meet even basic standards for a relationship.

You deserve someone who doesn’t take drugs, who lives in a decent environment, who is reasonably mentally stable etc.

Nordicrain · 19/06/2023 08:15

Urgh he sounds awful. You are only a couple of months in, dump him and don't look back. You've nothing to feel bad about.

TitoMojito · 19/06/2023 08:15

We’ve been together since November

Okay well that's eight months not a couple.

Anyway, you are not responsible for him. I had an ex who also said he would hurt himself if I left him. He didn’t. Ultimately, you are not his keeper and you don’t need to stay with him because he’s in a bad place. Just leave.