I gave my boyfriend an ultimatum I know he will fail, so we can breakup?

[crabtheway]

My boyfriend and I have been together for a couple of months but over the last couple of weeks it’s become transparent we’re not compatible.

He’s addicted to weed and his home looks like a squatters den. Time after time he said he would change and cut back on his consumption and clean his home. I’d post pictures of the worst room if I could but I fear he’ll somehow find this thread.

I have tried to help my boyfriend. I have cleaned his home but within a couple of days it was worse than before, and the mouldy bottles with fruit flies I bagged are still by his front door (weeks later) waiting to be brought to the bottle bank.

I’ve organised all of our trips away, I pay for most of our trips away and dates, and I am more than loving toward him. He’s financially stable and more well off than I am, but has had lived life having everything handed to him on a silver spoon.

I enjoyed our relationship initially but now I want out. Unfortunately, he’s not the type of guy you can just break up with, so I have given him an ultimatum I know he will fail. He has two weeks to clean his house entirely and reduce his weed consumption. I haven’t told my boyfriend this but I did flush one full bottle and the remaining liquid he had (THC liquid) down the toilet (unsure if he has more) to try and help.

He knows I’m unhappy and who he is right now is not the person I want to be with long term. During these two weeks we will not meet but do our own thing with our own friends. I want him to get into a routine and build habits within these two weeks that he can continue to build on until they become concrete and apart of his routine.

The thing is, I know he’s not going to change because he has said he will and then proves he won’t. AIBU for giving him an ultimatum even though I will be breaking up with him regardless? The ultimatum was more for his benefit than my own and to encourage him into good habits, but also to prepare him for a breakup. As I said, he’s not the type of person you can just breakup with so this was my only real way out.

You are avoiding breaking up with him for the sake of 2 weeks by setting him to fail and then inevitably breaking up. Playing mind games is silly if you are looking out for his MH. Just have an honest conversation and walk away

Not a healthy relationship at all

His happiness and mental health is not your problem and you are not able to fix him.

You’re just prolonging the inevitable, not being kind

You've been dating for two months .

You owe each other nothing.
You've not even been together long enough to be issuing ultimatums or be in fear of what he may do.!

Just walk away. You're barely into a relationship!

You say he will do something silly, or threaten to, and hold you responsible.

But who gives a shit if he does any of that or not? Honestly, just send a quick text to say you don't want to go out with him anymore, wish him all the best, block him, and then don't ever see or speak to him again. Two months really isn't enough time to even get close to this level of worry.

I think stringing him along for two weeks is worse that a clean cut. Doing it in two weeks won't make it any easier than doing it now if that is the aim.

I really didn’t intend for it to be a mind game but I can see how it seems, and definitely don’t want to cause him anymore damage. Thanks (and to others) for your reply highlighting this!

I cannot understand why you are so fixated on helping him when within a few months of going out with an addict you have turned yourself into his house skivvy and mother, all in one.

You have huge issues yourself if you are so quick to bend yourself out of shape in a mere few months over some waster.

Dump him and get yourself in counselling pronto.

Do the www.freedomprogramme.co.uk to help you figure out what is going on with you.

If you don't, you really are vulnerable to ending up with some loser who will give you a dogs life.

Good luck.

We’ve been together since November

Why ae you helping tidy his house when you've only known him a couple of months? Sounds like you've already become his unpaid carer. Never be that for anyone, especially early on. If they need professional help then they need someone in a paid role for that. Weed smoking I like to think would be an immediate deal breaker for me nowadays, too.

This is madness. Just dump him, and let him do whatever he wants to do, it's none of your concern. For am idiot stoner, he's certainly managed to manipulate you pretty skilfully. Get yourself out, now. You deserve better.

Just end it.

You started by saying a couple of months, now it's since November, either way it 6/7 months max, you're supposed to still be in the honeymoon/romance/getting to know you stage. Not scouring his flat because it's filled with mouldy crap, being responsible for his self worth and paying for everything for him.

You're massively over invested.

What is that saying? Don't set your self on fire to keep someone else warm?
This is what I did years ago and caused myself untold misery.
Get him out of your life. He's not your problem and if he harms himself......well that's not your fault .

Sorry, lovey, but he sounds like an utter dribbler. He does deep contemplating while you scrub his toilet? Get some self-respect, this is absolutely not the man for you.

You are not responsible for anything that he does

Break up with him, walk away and block

Why have you started another thread about this absolute loser? Just tell him it’s over and block him on everything. Save up your money, go to Australia and don’t look back. He is responsible for his own actions

You're only two months in and you're cleaning his house?!!! Come on. You're totally unreasonable. Don't tie your star to this dud, he's living in dirt. Do you want your beautiful star to be dragged through dirt every day?

Pack up your Mr Muscle and your squeegee, and go look for better.

Same one?

Oh.

Did you expect different answers @crabtheway ?

It’s emotional abuse for a partner to say/imply/intimate that you’re responsible for their mental well-being and that they might hurt themselves if you leave. You need to get out and quickly. Luckily it’s only been a few months, so
should be relatively easy to do so.

Please also reflect on this before getting into another relationship. I can tell you from bitter experience that you may end up repeating patterns and continuing to make bad choices when it comes to partners if you don’t.

If a bloke claims he was in an abusive relationship then that's an immediate red flag to me because abusers will often claim that when in fact they are the abusive one. It's far more likely that a man is the abuser in a heterosexual relationship.

He's already manipulating what you feel able to do.

Or maybe his girlfriend's 'abuse' was just that she got annoyed at him and his behaviour. It was probably 'controlling' if she tried to stop him being stoned and living in a tip etc.

He’s depressed, insecure and paranoid because of the weed. Poor guy, I feel sorry for young men who end up with bugger all in life except weed, what a waste of a life.
You need to walk away though, he can’t use you as a life crutch when he’s known you 5 minutes.

How old are you both? You’re not treating him like the adult he is. It’s not your job to save him, train him, manipulate him, mother him. It’s really very weird how you think it is.

Just dump him. You’ve turned this into a mega drama where there’s no need.

At the risk of sounding patronising, you could do some work on yourself before dating anyone else.

You stated earlier that you 'don't want to cause him any more damage'. You wont as he's very competently doing plenty of that all by himself!

It has been a couple of months - this is the honeymoon period - you are responsible for nothing- not the state of his house / his mental health.

run is my advice

For goodness sake. You aren’t responsible for this man.

He’d be a lot less depressed and paranoid if he knocked the weed on the head.

Only been together a couple months? He's an adult. You can't train/teach him. He isn't your job to 'fix'. He isn't even hiding who he is from you.

Dump him, tell him why, leave him to it.