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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I gave my boyfriend an ultimatum I know he will fail, so we can breakup?

173 replies

crabtheway · 18/06/2023 22:12

My boyfriend and I have been together for a couple of months but over the last couple of weeks it’s become transparent we’re not compatible.

He’s addicted to weed and his home looks like a squatters den. Time after time he said he would change and cut back on his consumption and clean his home. I’d post pictures of the worst room if I could but I fear he’ll somehow find this thread.

I have tried to help my boyfriend. I have cleaned his home but within a couple of days it was worse than before, and the mouldy bottles with fruit flies I bagged are still by his front door (weeks later) waiting to be brought to the bottle bank.

I’ve organised all of our trips away, I pay for most of our trips away and dates, and I am more than loving toward him. He’s financially stable and more well off than I am, but has had lived life having everything handed to him on a silver spoon.

I enjoyed our relationship initially but now I want out. Unfortunately, he’s not the type of guy you can just break up with, so I have given him an ultimatum I know he will fail. He has two weeks to clean his house entirely and reduce his weed consumption. I haven’t told my boyfriend this but I did flush one full bottle and the remaining liquid he had (THC liquid) down the toilet (unsure if he has more) to try and help.

He knows I’m unhappy and who he is right now is not the person I want to be with long term. During these two weeks we will not meet but do our own thing with our own friends. I want him to get into a routine and build habits within these two weeks that he can continue to build on until they become concrete and apart of his routine.

The thing is, I know he’s not going to change because he has said he will and then proves he won’t. AIBU for giving him an ultimatum even though I will be breaking up with him regardless? The ultimatum was more for his benefit than my own and to encourage him into good habits, but also to prepare him for a breakup. As I said, he’s not the type of person you can just breakup with so this was my only real way out.

OP posts:
whatausername · 19/06/2023 00:33

The sheer fcking drama of this. Dump him and work on your values & boundaries. Jeez.

Begonne · 19/06/2023 00:35

Why are you playing rescuer with this guy?
Is there someone in your past that you are subconsciously wishing you could have helped?

There are healthier and safer ways to navigate these feelings. But when it comes to relationships you always need to aim as high as you can imagine.

FelisCatus0 · 19/06/2023 00:36

Weed is infamous for causing depression. As well as early onset Alzheimers. I wouldn't want to be associated with him.

PandorasMailbox · 19/06/2023 00:44

He's an adult and you aren't responsible for him. Walk away.

misssunshine4040 · 19/06/2023 00:51

Regardless of HIS issues, he's still the kind of guy you break up with.
You need to do the freedom program and really look deep into why you feel responsible for something that is not your responsibility.

You don't have any "power" to fix him or change his ways. Why are you attracted to a man who can't control his own life, pay his way and has no respect for himself ?
That's the biggest question.
Block and move on

JudgeRudy · 19/06/2023 00:57

Why are you playing silly games. You don't want to be with him so don't. Do you fear he'll stalk you or be violent? Stoners are usually that way inclined.
He's more likely to either think about showing you he can change coz he's heartbroken, or he'll think about what a judgemental cow you are and how he'll show you he can get a better girlfriend. He'll ruminate for a day .....and do neither, coz he'll roll a joint instead.
Leave him to it.

LifeExperience · 19/06/2023 00:59

Don't manipulate him. Tell him directly that it's over. He deserves that dignity.

slore · 19/06/2023 01:14

You are not responsible for his life or happiness. You are not responsible for his mental health. You are not responsible for his suicidal ideation. You are not responsible for him feeling built up then knocked down. He is entirely responsible for himself. All of this is shameless manipulation to keep you, as such a loser can't keep a girlfriend any other way. Given what a useless spoiled stoner he is, I'd take his account of his previous relationship with a pinch of salt. She probably left him for the exact same reasons you are.

JauntyRedShoes · 19/06/2023 01:28

A couple of months is 8/9 weeks although I see that you have amended this to dating since November. Regardless of time trying to manipulate a situation is really unhealthy for everyone. If it works are you going to manipulate your next parter to get the result you want? What will happen if he
manages to achieve the task? The only way to behave is to be clear, direct and deliver your message briefly and respectfully. A simple “this isn’t working for me” will suffice. You are responsible for you and not for him. Don’t make it more complicated than it needs to be.

3487642I · 19/06/2023 01:44

@crabtheway it's natural to feel the way you do with someone who is manipulative and emotionally abusive like this guy is. He sets you up to be responsible for it all and will then blame you for everything he doesn't want to take responsibility for (and by the sounds of it he won't take responsibility for anything).

It's understandable you are trying to get out of the relationship in the best way you can and it is smart to end it in a way you think he'll accept, many abused women have done this. Needing to break up in this way is a reflection of his psychologically/emotionslly abusive behaviour - if he was not abusive it would be straightforward to end it.

The best indicator of the likely danger you are in will be your own fears - so don't brush them off. Get the two weeks away from his destructive behaviour and get any support you can to keep yourself safe and end to relationship completely. You can reach out to Women's Aid. He is likely using threats of harming himself too keep you feeling guilty, responsible and trapped with him. It is not your job to stop him harming himself your priority is to keep yourself safe.

suburbophobe · 19/06/2023 01:55

He says I’m responsible for a lot of his happiness

Oh, fuck him right off. That's manipulation.

I smoke weed (it's legal). I still manage to keep a clean house, hold down a job, bring up my child single-handedly, have a social life.....

If I walked into a place you describe as your boyfriend's I would turn right around and walk out.

starfishmummy · 19/06/2023 01:56

It's been a couple of months.

Sounds like you have marched in and decided to completely reorganise his life whether he wants you to or not. Controlling much?

Do yourself a favour (as he's no catch) and do him a favour too and walk away.

JennyJenny8675309 · 19/06/2023 03:05

Didn’t you start a different thread about this weed-smoking slob?

Offensiveapprently · 19/06/2023 03:06

The whole thing sounds like games on both sides. You just need to stop messing about. Just get rid, you ate not responsible for his happiness. He sounds coercive and your behaviour sounds hard work.

JennyJenny8675309 · 19/06/2023 03:09

Oh okay I see you discussed the previous thread. He won’t change, you know that. Who cares what he does now as far as cleaning or weed habits because you’re done. Tell him now.

EllaRaines · 19/06/2023 03:09

He is a loser and a waster.

He's also a grown man and you going round to clean up his house expecting him to keep up is doomed to fails as he simply doesn't want to.

You've only been with him a short time thank goodness.

Dump and move on to be with someone who has decent standards and can manage to keep his own home clean and tidy.

azlazee1 · 19/06/2023 03:34

I voted you are being unreasonable to expect that he is going to change, He isn't. This is who he is and he's not bothered by a mess that would drive someone else crazy. I hope you will walk away from this relationship. The weed is his recreational drug of choice. Don't foresee that changing either. Don't know what's behind your comment about him not being a guy you break up with, but it doesn't sound good.

At the end of the 2 weeks just don't contact him. If he contacts you, tell him you are moving on. Good Luck to you.

captainmarvella · 19/06/2023 04:12

crabtheway · 18/06/2023 22:12

My boyfriend and I have been together for a couple of months but over the last couple of weeks it’s become transparent we’re not compatible.

He’s addicted to weed and his home looks like a squatters den. Time after time he said he would change and cut back on his consumption and clean his home. I’d post pictures of the worst room if I could but I fear he’ll somehow find this thread.

I have tried to help my boyfriend. I have cleaned his home but within a couple of days it was worse than before, and the mouldy bottles with fruit flies I bagged are still by his front door (weeks later) waiting to be brought to the bottle bank.

I’ve organised all of our trips away, I pay for most of our trips away and dates, and I am more than loving toward him. He’s financially stable and more well off than I am, but has had lived life having everything handed to him on a silver spoon.

I enjoyed our relationship initially but now I want out. Unfortunately, he’s not the type of guy you can just break up with, so I have given him an ultimatum I know he will fail. He has two weeks to clean his house entirely and reduce his weed consumption. I haven’t told my boyfriend this but I did flush one full bottle and the remaining liquid he had (THC liquid) down the toilet (unsure if he has more) to try and help.

He knows I’m unhappy and who he is right now is not the person I want to be with long term. During these two weeks we will not meet but do our own thing with our own friends. I want him to get into a routine and build habits within these two weeks that he can continue to build on until they become concrete and apart of his routine.

The thing is, I know he’s not going to change because he has said he will and then proves he won’t. AIBU for giving him an ultimatum even though I will be breaking up with him regardless? The ultimatum was more for his benefit than my own and to encourage him into good habits, but also to prepare him for a breakup. As I said, he’s not the type of person you can just breakup with so this was my only real way out.

OP, RUN. Run for the hills. Go grey rock, this man is a continent of red flags, within a few months of knowing you, he has:
Made you clean his house and become his mother
Made you feel guilty and panic at the thought that you will destroy him if you leave him
Made you feel unsafe and trauma-bonded to him, even though you did not consent to be so

This is an abusive relationship. He is a classic abuser. Please put yourself before this nutcase and escape before it is too late.

Elderflower14 · 19/06/2023 05:28

Oh my days... This is after two months? Run for the hills!!

Outofthepark · 19/06/2023 05:38

BananaSpanner · 18/06/2023 22:15

This is only dramatic in your own head. Just dump your boyfriend.

This.

Also OP, he's just some random after a couple of months. Your are zero percent responsible for his own life, mental health, shit tip of a house, life goals, etc. What on earth would make you feel you are? He's a grown ass man completely responsible for sorting his own bloody problems.

Dump and make sure you block, as he's well versed in emotional blackmail, isn't he.

NumberTheory · 19/06/2023 05:40

Your mind games aren’t going to stop him from trying to emotionally blackmail you again when he fails your “test” and you try and break up with him. His mental health isn’t good, but that isn’t because of you. Just break up with him. Tell him he’s too much of a stoner for you and not the man he pretended to be when you first met.

Then get yourself some counseling.

(Also given his abuse of you, I would be skeptical of his take on his previous girlfriend).

Shoxfordian · 19/06/2023 05:50

You do know it’s June right? A couple of months from November is January. Anyway; you can break up with anyone at any time for anything - nobody is “not the type you break up with”.

Dump the loser

Makemyday99 · 19/06/2023 05:56

You’ve only been with him couple of months & you’re cleaning his home & paying for trips away…seriously?!

Oblomov23 · 19/06/2023 06:09

You should just finish with him. You know this.

SunIsShininInTheSky · 19/06/2023 06:21

Just dump him and raise your standards. He isn't your problem. Have you got self esteem issues or something? I can't understand why you'd ever want to date this man in the first place?