I gave my boyfriend an ultimatum I know he will fail, so we can breakup?

[crabtheway]

My boyfriend and I have been together for a couple of months but over the last couple of weeks it’s become transparent we’re not compatible.

He’s addicted to weed and his home looks like a squatters den. Time after time he said he would change and cut back on his consumption and clean his home. I’d post pictures of the worst room if I could but I fear he’ll somehow find this thread.

I have tried to help my boyfriend. I have cleaned his home but within a couple of days it was worse than before, and the mouldy bottles with fruit flies I bagged are still by his front door (weeks later) waiting to be brought to the bottle bank.

I’ve organised all of our trips away, I pay for most of our trips away and dates, and I am more than loving toward him. He’s financially stable and more well off than I am, but has had lived life having everything handed to him on a silver spoon.

I enjoyed our relationship initially but now I want out. Unfortunately, he’s not the type of guy you can just break up with, so I have given him an ultimatum I know he will fail. He has two weeks to clean his house entirely and reduce his weed consumption. I haven’t told my boyfriend this but I did flush one full bottle and the remaining liquid he had (THC liquid) down the toilet (unsure if he has more) to try and help.

He knows I’m unhappy and who he is right now is not the person I want to be with long term. During these two weeks we will not meet but do our own thing with our own friends. I want him to get into a routine and build habits within these two weeks that he can continue to build on until they become concrete and apart of his routine.

The thing is, I know he’s not going to change because he has said he will and then proves he won’t. AIBU for giving him an ultimatum even though I will be breaking up with him regardless? The ultimatum was more for his benefit than my own and to encourage him into good habits, but also to prepare him for a breakup. As I said, he’s not the type of person you can just breakup with so this was my only real way out.

You realise he'll respond in the same way if he fails this ultimatum excuse don't you?

LTB, and don't look back. No one is responsible for the happiness of another.
If you are worried he will do something stupid, then contact his family or the police.

All this fuss and he is someone you have known for eight weeks?

You don't have a partner, you're babysitting (for free) a grown ass man. You're taking the role of his mother which is quite unhealthy dynamic for both. His mental health and his happiness is not your responsibility (specially when you've been together two months).

Mumsnet really is a window into another world………………….

When you say he's not the type of guy you can break up with, are you afraid of him?
The relationship is on a road to nowhere so you owe him nothing
Just text that you feel this relationship isn't going to work for you and it's best. You end it now.
I wouldn't bother meeting him again
If you feel scared in anyway Keep your phone on you at all times and phone police

So what? You’ve been going out with him for only a short while. Not your problem. What I’d be far more concerned about is your entrenched saviour syndrome. Sort that out.

I have potatoes in my fridge that have been in there longer then you’ve been with this guy.
you don’t owe him any therapy or any more of your time and effort. Just dump him and if your scared get a restraining order.

Of course he is paranoid, he smokes weed non-stop!

I'm always completely baffled when women stay with them like this. Point to the fucking fruit flies and tell him that's why you're going. Tell him you don't know what he's on about when he keeps rambling on when he's stoned.

Sorry I type slowly
His reaction to your decision is not your responsibility It's all on him

Sorry, pressed it too soon. He's not going to kill himself. He'll just have another joint.

Why can't you just dump him? You don't even need a.reason if the relationship is this new.

Hang on hang on. You’ve been together 8 weeks?

I don’t think setting him up to fail helps either of you. It gives you ‘grounds’ to justify your decision, but you have those already. And it puts blame and shame on him rather than you just owning the decision. Why not just say you’ve reflected on it, and reached the conclusion that the relationship is not right for you, and tell him not to contact you again.

Thought you seemed familiar
Book that single ticket to Australia asap

She says since November. She started cleaning his place a couple of months in. A red flag on both sides tbh.

Why are you allowing him to manipulate you to feel responsible for his happiness and his decisions? Don’t be a relationship martyr, you don’t owe him anything whatsoever. Just break it off and block him, done.

Why do people post a problem, then change name and a day or so later post the same problem in a slightly different way?

Are they really hoping for different answers?

My boyfriend and I have been together for a couple of months

Too much drama, you’ve been together for less time than his sheets have been on his bed.

Just dump him, he’s not going to top himself.

@Kilorrery So what? You’ve been going out with him for only a short while. Not your problem. What I’d be far more concerned about is your entrenched saviour syndrome. Sort that out.

I agree, meeting a guy, cleaning his apartment and throwing his drugs down the toilet is strange. Not sure who I'm more concerned with, your or the boyfriend.

Holding you responsible for his mental health is a form of abuse. You don’t owe him anything.

Good lord, he really reeled you in didn’t he? Got you to clean his filth, presumably sleep with him and now has you hanging on as long as possible with the old ‘I’m broken and you’re the only one who can save me’ line. It’s almost impressive if it wasn’t so daft.

Im trying not to judge (you) too much here. We’ve all been young and taken in by a sob story. I can only assume you’re very young and this is your ‘oh my goodness what was I doing’ moment for a few years from now. But this isn’t a Hollywood romcom. He ain’t going to turn from Seth Rogan into a Hemsworth in two weeks just from some silly ‘ultimatum’.

And quite frankly, on the off chance he’s actually mentally vulnerable, this dumping plan is probably the shittest thing you could do - make him fail in the most embarrassing way then dump them for it. If he tries to come to harm it’s not your fault, but it’s a bit like being a cheerleader at a doomsday rally here….

What does he bring to the table apart from literal filth and squalor? Time to dig deep and really work on what has attracted you to such a desperate set up. Kicking this manipulative chancer to the kerb is only the first step.
If he wants a successful relationship then he'll have to figure his shit out. As an adult. Independently. Like everyone else does.

Do not put off breaking up with someone once you know that's what you want.

This is bizarre to set him a bunch of challenges on your way out.

You don't need his permission to break up.

He is not your responsibility.

Tell him you've had a great time. You think he's a wonderful person, but you have realised he's not the person for you. You're sad and wish him well but need to end the relationship.

If you are clear and kind and honest then nothing he does afterwards is your fault.

Stop with these ridiculous games and rules. Just tell the truth.

My brother is a stoner loser too.
Has lost many girlfriends over the years because when you're constantly stoned you just can't be arsed to do ANYTHING.
No contribution to life. No cleaning. No planning. No drive or ambition.
And you can beg and plead until you are blue in the face it doesn't matter.
He's not really hearing you, he's in his own bubble of being high.
You are talking to yourself.
It won't change because they don't have motivation to actually do anything with their life.
And actually to him, you being unhappy is a you problem.
My brother can list a million reasons why these girls were to blame for their relationship failing.
(Including “abuse".)
All the stoners that I know are the same tbh.