Is my mother husband becoming obsessed with my DD

[IECW22]

For starters we've never really got along. Hence why I worry I am BU.

He has no children, him and my DM married about 7 years ago. He's a busy body. Will sit staring at his ring doorbell footage of an evening and moan about what his neighbours are up to. Last year he complained to the local council that a neighbour had a paddling pool out in their front garden for their DC (they have no back garden) and it overhung an inch and wanted it resolved "immediately". He reported an old boy for parking his mobility scooter which overhung slightly. Just has to be inconvenienced by everything that doesn't actually inconvenience him. We just clash. We didn't speak for some time because I just could not deal with him, until I accepted a meet when I was pregnant to make thing easier for my DM.

At the meeting he said something along the lines off "we should get along now that I'm a grandad". I just didn't say anything for an easy life during a really difficult pregnancy.

My Dd is 11 months old. And yes he loves her and that's fine. But recently things have become difficult.

He has took her for a walk in her pram a few times which I did appreciate as could get her food cooked bottles sorted ect but would come back and say how he walked down the high road with her and she would start saying "love you grandad" .... she can't even say dog yet. I asked my mum and she just stated he loves her. I said yes but it is a lie. And then whilst on a day out with me, baby, my DM and her husband someone commented on her dress and he said in the direction of baby "yes grandad bought it for you" and the lady said "oh that's nice of grandad" and he proceeded to ask "ha do you think we look alike?" .... you are not related by blood firstly and secondly you look like a different species all together.

And yes he does buy her a LOT of dresses (an insanely large amount) and I'm not ungrateful she just cries every time she's put in a dress as she can't crawl. I've explained this. But I get the demands from my DM and her husband on a bloody WhatsApp group they've created for a photo of her In said dress. Like I have nothing else to do but put my daughter in what resembles a wedding dress every day for her to cry for me to then take it off. If I don't respond to said group I'll get a phone call, and then a text from my mum saying "*** has messaged on the group and you have not responded" yes thanks mother.

The next part. So they've been asking for a sleepover with her and i'm not convinced. So I said let's trial one a few times, but I will stay also but just put her cot in your room.

Baby slept like a dream, he gets up the next morning stating how tired he is. I asked why and he said he was up till gone 4am....again I asked why, he said oh because I was watching her sleep to make sure she's okay.....you stared at her for 9 hours?

He keeps saying things like "oh when me and your mum go out people think I'm her dad" this just is not the truth. Unless they're incredibly short sighted. I just wouldn't be surprised if he tells people he is.

So it's all kicked off the other night when I told my mum some truths and I got a nasty message from him which I only skim read. So I blocked him on WhatsApp, phone/text. I then got an EMAIL from him so blocked that too. Just checked out my next door app.....and have a message on there. I've not said they can't see baby anymore I just said I need some space from him as we clash, but basically. It's all gone off. But is my general dislike for him clouding my judgment? My mother seems to believe so but my partner (who wants him and baby to be separated for a while) doesn't. I just have a feeling.

I have a couple of friends that worked in child services during their career's and I would call the the most protective, proactive of parents.

They have mentioned how the ordinary person really has no idea of what some children endure from family and those known to familys.

I don't know of any cases personally but I still think it is unbelievably weird for any man to be sending dresses and demanding pictures, relative or not.

Likewise the wanting overnights.

My inexperienced radar is in complete overdrive at the complete abnormality of this.

@Darkandstormynite great post.
Completely agree.

The "he's sweet" brigade make me hope to god they don't have responsibility for the safety of any child.

What "sweet" person sends abusive texts to a young mother, and threatens legal action to access a child that is no relation of theirs?

He's obviously a disgusting little creep, but its the OP's mother whom I would really despise.

So desperate for that creep, she'd pimp her own grandchild for him.

Now THAT is truly repulsive behaviour.

I agree with @Darkandstormynite . I did voluntary work for several years in a prison near me, which had a sex offender unit, and sometimes people from that unit took part in activities I was running, though you didn't know who had done what to be in prison because it wasn't relevant to the activity. Once a guy in a group gave me such serious ick for no apparent reason that I did something I'd never done before and googled his name. I discovered from public records of his appeal that his defence against conviction for making his nine year old niece fellate him was that she'd already done it for her dad so he thought she must be used to it. Trust that ick.

Ugh, I got horrible vibes from this nasty man just reading your OP. I wouldn’t want my baby anywhere near him.

The thing is some behaviour is just so heinous and unthinkable, we just don't want to consider that it's going on in front of us. The banality of evil is quite shuddering, the notion that ordinary people can do monstrous things makes us feel so vulnerable that many people cannot entertain it. It's so much easier to say its an overreaction or a misunderstanding.

It's much safer for children that we overreact than underrreact. We should applaud parents who are strong enough to place their child's welfare over social awkwardness or emotional blackmail.

I really hope going forward future generations are much more attuned to their instincts and less influenced by family pressure so the cycle of inter generational abuse is broken. I suspect the OPs mother is very much a product of this.

My skin was prickling reading this OP. His behaviour is so abnormal it’s frightening to read how much this has escalated. He can’t be trusted and neither can your mother. You are doing the right thing by cutting contact altogether.

@Darkandstormynite is absolutely right.

and neither can your Mother - OP heed this warning

Good for you OP. I hope that you enjoyed your dd's birthday.

You sound so like my friends.

They never went into details but they said the burn out is huge in child social services, such is the horror that people come across.

Both left and went into academia 15 years ago.

Another friend of mine is involved with the dregs via the courts and again has said we really have no idea what some children endure and dhat goes on in some familys.

Covid has been shocking on that score.

Well done OP. He's an unpleasant controlling liar and it's all about him. The vast majority of danger to children is from family members and he screams red flags. Protect her from him.

At best he's a controlling narcissist who has suddenly realised he likes having a cute baby around and thinks he can control everything. At worst he's a potential groomer/abuser.
No solicitor will take him seriously. Stick to your guns OP and trust your gut.

Everything @Darkandstormynite said.

I’ve been wondering who the hell are these “friends” in Clacton …

They both sound very controlling and seem to believe they have a right to have access to your daughter and take her wherever they like (i.e on holiday). I'd definitely cut all contact for good, they don't sound like either of them can be trusted and I definitely don't think they have your daughter's best interests at heart.

So many red flags here OP. Thank God you have taken appropriate action. This man sounds creepy as hell.

Sadly, it’s not unusual for women to be in denial when in your mother’s position. My DD had a friend whose “Frank” abused her sexually until she was 5, when it all came out in a story she wrote at school. Her grandmother sided with her DH and said the little girl must be lying. It was so horrific for the girls parents.

You just can’t afford to take the risk. Keep her away from him. There’s no way he would get legal access in the situation you have described.

I would actually contact the police and tell them the whole story. He may well be known to them, he may not. But it’s worth having a chat, and seeing if you can check him out via Sarah’s law. It won’t hurt having it on record that you were so concerned about his behaviour you went to the police. And the police should be able to give you sound advice about other measures you can take.

But I think as well you need to go NC with him. And with your mother. She continues to defend him and I wouldn’t put it past her to take sneaky pictures of your daughter for Frank…. Again, the police should be able to give you guidance.

Hopefully, your health visitor has got back to you. She should be able to provide good advice too.

Nope weird and creepy. And I'd tell your mum why. She should be protecting her granddaughter.

Op I hope you've made some steps to disassociate with them given the advice on here x

Your mothers been groomed by him. He’s a nasty bugger. Avoid

Here's what I would do:

Make an appointment with baby's GP to have her (visually! Obviously...) checked over to make sure there are no signs of 'physical interference' as sickening as this sounds. I know this won’t prove he hasn't touched her inappropriately but the GP will be able to confirm if she's physically ok or not at least.

I would then have a telephone conversation with your mother and very bluntly tell her what you are beginning to suspect. That her husband could be a sexual predator. I know many will say this would be pointless but IF all our suspicions are correct then doesn't this woman deserve to know? OP will also be able to tell from her reaction whether she already 'knows' or suspects it.
Yea it would no doubt end with DM screaming down the phone, but when you're already at the point of going no contact, then there's nothing to lose. Even if DM refuses to listen to it, that seed will have been planted in her mind........ After all, up until now, she may well have just thought her husband was being the greatest step-grandfather ever. Now she'll start to think...

Sarah's Law - how to make enquiries to discover if 'Frank' is known to the police.

This would seem a wise and sensible step for OP to take.

A 'no' result would not of course be proof of no bad intentions.

https://www.met.police.uk/rqo/request/ri/request-information/sarahs-law-beta/sarahs-law-child-sex-offender-disclosure-scheme/

@AlfietheSchnauzer I wouldn't make an appointment with the GP unless you want flags and social services all over you - which isn't needed yet. My daughter had a "period" at 7 months which turned out to be linked to a bleeding disorder. We had to go through various investigations in case something inappropriate had happened to her. You don't want this at this stage. Make the police check first OP.

@IECW22 Hi op, how's things? Are you & your girl ok?

@AlfietheSchnauzer thank you for asking. I'm okay. It's been an adjustment period and been quite emotive but me and baby are all good. Nursery has today been finalised.

My mum was the one to come round and help me while I prepped my little girls meals ect but I'm just adjusting to managing my time better. I am shattered. I've found the whole experience very isolating. All my friends are obviously at work as is my partner when I'm home.

I've just been taking my girl out of the home, took her to soft play yesterday and swimming today. She has her 12 month health assessment Thursday and her jabs tomorrow and both doctor and health visitor have been briefed and don't feel I need to go in sooner as she has no symptoms but they've offered me a baby check so I'll be going into the doctors half an hour earlier tomorrow. Like I said I do feel quite isolated and don't feel I speak to any adults between 7am and 6pm. But I'd rather speak baby language and know she is safe. So me and baby are enjoying each others company at the minute