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AIBU?

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Original poster

Is my mother husband becoming obsessed with my DD

312 replies

IECW22 · 18/06/2023 22:12

For starters we've never really got along. Hence why I worry I am BU.

He has no children, him and my DM married about 7 years ago. He's a busy body. Will sit staring at his ring doorbell footage of an evening and moan about what his neighbours are up to. Last year he complained to the local council that a neighbour had a paddling pool out in their front garden for their DC (they have no back garden) and it overhung an inch and wanted it resolved "immediately". He reported an old boy for parking his mobility scooter which overhung slightly. Just has to be inconvenienced by everything that doesn't actually inconvenience him. We just clash. We didn't speak for some time because I just could not deal with him, until I accepted a meet when I was pregnant to make thing easier for my DM.

At the meeting he said something along the lines off "we should get along now that I'm a grandad". I just didn't say anything for an easy life during a really difficult pregnancy.

My Dd is 11 months old. And yes he loves her and that's fine. But recently things have become difficult.

He has took her for a walk in her pram a few times which I did appreciate as could get her food cooked bottles sorted ect but would come back and say how he walked down the high road with her and she would start saying "love you grandad" .... she can't even say dog yet. I asked my mum and she just stated he loves her. I said yes but it is a lie. And then whilst on a day out with me, baby, my DM and her husband someone commented on her dress and he said in the direction of baby "yes grandad bought it for you" and the lady said "oh that's nice of grandad" and he proceeded to ask "ha do you think we look alike?" .... you are not related by blood firstly and secondly you look like a different species all together.

And yes he does buy her a LOT of dresses (an insanely large amount) and I'm not ungrateful she just cries every time she's put in a dress as she can't crawl. I've explained this. But I get the demands from my DM and her husband on a bloody WhatsApp group they've created for a photo of her In said dress. Like I have nothing else to do but put my daughter in what resembles a wedding dress every day for her to cry for me to then take it off. If I don't respond to said group I'll get a phone call, and then a text from my mum saying "*** has messaged on the group and you have not responded" yes thanks mother.

The next part. So they've been asking for a sleepover with her and i'm not convinced. So I said let's trial one a few times, but I will stay also but just put her cot in your room.

Baby slept like a dream, he gets up the next morning stating how tired he is. I asked why and he said he was up till gone 4am....again I asked why, he said oh because I was watching her sleep to make sure she's okay.....you stared at her for 9 hours?

He keeps saying things like "oh when me and your mum go out people think I'm her dad" this just is not the truth. Unless they're incredibly short sighted. I just wouldn't be surprised if he tells people he is.

So it's all kicked off the other night when I told my mum some truths and I got a nasty message from him which I only skim read. So I blocked him on WhatsApp, phone/text. I then got an EMAIL from him so blocked that too. Just checked out my next door app.....and have a message on there. I've not said they can't see baby anymore I just said I need some space from him as we clash, but basically. It's all gone off. But is my general dislike for him clouding my judgment? My mother seems to believe so but my partner (who wants him and baby to be separated for a while) doesn't. I just have a feeling.

OP posts:
QueenBitch666 · 19/06/2023 15:30

Grim as fuck. No way would I leave her alone with either of them

Darkandstormynite · 19/06/2023 15:38

This man sounds unhinged and potentially a real threat to your daughter. Unfortunately your mum is putting her husband before her DD and GC, so you really can't trust her judgement anymore.

Stop contact now. Get this man as far away from your family as possible. Your DP is right on this.

There's no way a court would award visitation to a guy who wasn't even related to the child. She is also a baby so there's no meaningful relationship that they could argue.

He's a bully trying to get access to your daughter. It's a really scary thought as to what's actually going on in his head. It's just too creepy. Protect your child at all costs from this man.

Darkandstormynite · 19/06/2023 15:40

Oh and keep all his abusive messages. It may well escalate when he doesn't get what he wants. You may need to involve the police and get a non molestation order in place.

footballdramas · 19/06/2023 15:43

After all is said and done "me and Frank would like to take the baby to clacton in August to stay with our friends"

My god.... this is terrifying.

He is a bully and a creep. He has tried to establish himself as a doting grandfather who is deeply attached to your child - staring at her for hours, buying her dresses etc to make it harder for you to keep him away, or to perhaps feel guilty or unkind.

It's incredibly manipulative and weird, and in a way it's good that he's overplayed his hand so early in the relationship with you as a mother as your instincts have been well and truly alerted.

Your mum is being very unfair on you as well.

MrsLully · 19/06/2023 15:45

Ooof OP, I got really creeped out by reading your post. I presume your DDs behaviour hasn't changed lately right? No new UTIs or nappy rashes or disturbed sleep patterns? I would most definitely not allow him to have her alone at all, particularly not overnight. I'm sorry if that sounds overkill, but better safe than sorry.

Persiana · 19/06/2023 15:50

Yes sadly your update makes it all worse than I even thought earlier. Absolutely no contact now, don't let him build any narrative of any attachment relationship or manipulate your daughter into thinking he is loving and caring and someone she wants to see and should see. My heart sank when I saw you say your mum has her Monday mornings. He could go with her and force access when you aren't there. Definitely get her in nursery full time that day and don't let them drop or collect.

Pollyputthekettleonha · 19/06/2023 16:03

Please tell your nursery not to allow either your mum or him to collect the baby any more. This is getting really weird from your update.

BellyBeGone · 19/06/2023 16:04

Omg. Please, please, please keep this man away from your baby.

I really hope you realise how important it is that you protect her and don’t bow down to this weird man’s requests. Or your Mothers for that matter.

MeridianB · 19/06/2023 16:11

Your mother isn’t listening to you. Despite this big rift and the way you feel about this man she suggests they take your baby away on holiday without you?!

It’s so creepy and she is part of the problem. NC a with them both!

HorribleNecktie · 19/06/2023 16:12

This made the hairs on the back of my neck stand up. Especially your latest updates.

OP definitely listen to your gut and don’t give this creepy man any opportunity to be around your daughter. I second contracting her nursery and letting them know he and your mother are not allowed to pick her up, ever.

Maxiedog123 · 19/06/2023 16:17

Definitely you need to let nursery know not to allow either your mother or "Frank" to pick her up.

BMW6 · 19/06/2023 16:25

Bloody hell he's as creepy and weird as fuck and sadly your own Mum is enabling him.

Absolutely zero contact with either of them and do warn nursery about them.

In fact I'd be very tempted to move far away and leave no forwarding address.

HeadacheEarthquake · 19/06/2023 16:35

Your partner is correct and I cam imagine what he'll say when you update him about the solicitor threat and the holiday plans! The man sounds deranged and your mum is going to have to choose between you (three) and her creepy AF husband very soon.

footballdramas · 19/06/2023 16:37

I hope my last post didn't sound like scaremongering.
You have done everything right. Trust your instincts.

Okshacky · 19/06/2023 16:50

I think frank is very used to getting his own way. Your Mum is only thinking of him and I wonder how much other controlling behaviour he displays in other areas of their life. I actually think the endless pushing and inflating of his relationship with your dd is designed to goad you. Why I don’t know but it’s not kind and it definitely isn’t for your dd or you. He likes making you feel this way. What was he like before the baby?

blablabla123 · 19/06/2023 17:09

Wow well done listening to your gut feeling... look at his reactions!

It could well be he is just "obsessed" and not "creep" but this would have only gotten bigger and bigger with time and more and more boundaries crossed... now was the time to stop it.

takeachachachance · 19/06/2023 17:11

IECW22 · 18/06/2023 22:32

@Ace56 I also don't understand the constant sleepover requests, they live 2 roads away from me. There is no need for a sleepover. I did the trial to appease and the one time I hoped the baby wouldn't sleep through the night, she was solid

Sorry to point this out but you actually don't know that your baby did definitely sleep through the night when she was in this man's room. You were just told that she did.

This whole thing is vile and your mother, I'm sorry, sounds hideous putting this man and his demands over her daughter and grandchild.

You have got this, keep doing what you are doing and protecting your little one.

The fact that his behaviour is escalating with threats tells you everything you need to know.

Tryagainplease · 19/06/2023 17:12

Wow, OP - from your last update this is getting worse! Definitely giving me the creeps so god knows how you just be feeling!

Nevermind31 · 19/06/2023 17:13

this would be an automatic - no more contact - from me.
mother, Frank is your husband but he is nothing to me or DD, and we don’t feel Frank needs to have a relationship with us. You are welcome here any time, on your own. You are not to take pictures, we don’t want any shared with Frank.
surely you must understand that anyone threatening us for access to our baby cannot be trusted to have her best interests at heart.
there will be no sleepovers, taking her to the park or on holiday. You can come and stay here, and come with us, but not Frank.

billy1966 · 19/06/2023 17:27

Darkandstormynite · 19/06/2023 15:40

Oh and keep all his abusive messages. It may well escalate when he doesn't get what he wants. You may need to involve the police and get a non molestation order in place.

This.

So to be clear, a man your mother married 7 years ago, who harasses you for photos of you child, sleepovers, has had your daughter on his own, is now threatening to contact a solicitor because you have finally woken up to the freak he is?

I would be contacting 101 making an application to check him out.

Your mother has most definitely not got you or your daughters wellbeing in her sights.

Neither of them would be entertering my house again.

He's a creep and your mother has the gall to tell you, her daughter, that her creep husband may be contacting a solicitor 🙄.

Contact the police for goodness sake.

takeachachachance · 19/06/2023 17:28

On the subject of instincts and men who push boundaries...

I made a good friend when our DD's first met in reception about a decade ago. The first time I went to her house her DH was there and he made a big show of making me feel at home - insisting that I wore his sleepers because the kitchen floor was cold even though I really didn't want to.

I know that's a small thing but he just didn't respect my boundaries when I said no, pressured me to have an alcoholic drink when I didn't want it and then told me I was offending him in his own home because I wasn't drinking it (I was actually drinking it but he was topping it up when I wasn't looking).

He was charming and friendly but really set my alarm bells off. He's from a different European country so I initially put it down to maybe a cultural difference but I remember saying to DH how weird it was that this man pushed my boundaries so much.

Long story short, he had been abusing and raping my friend for years. She left him and he's broken the non molestation order so many times he's now up in court for that (police did fuck all about the abuse). He's also due in court for DV/SA against his new partner.

People who don't respect boundaries are not good people.

Definitely trust your instincts.

DecayedStrumpet · 19/06/2023 17:29

The main question in my mind is - what would it take for your mum to say no to this man? Where would she draw the line?

Sounds like your mum's presence is no protection at all for your daughter

krustykittens · 19/06/2023 17:36

Fucking hell, it gets worse. So now this man is openly threatening you and your partner with legal action to get access to a child who is in no way related to him and your Mum doesn't bat an eyelid to this? Wants to take the child away from you with this bully of man to a strangers house? Fuck right off! I would be going NC with both of them, OP, and the nursery needs to be told that neither of them are to pick her up.

Willmafrockfit · 19/06/2023 18:00

oh dear, just read your update
i dont believe all this nonce talk but you have your uncomfortable feeling
your dm is over stepping wanting to take baby on holiday with them

that is unusual imo
and uncalled for, your baby has parents.

the solicitor will charge him, and laugh at him

Sunnydaysareuponus · 19/06/2023 18:24

Have you Googled Frank op?
He may have a dark past.

Let them waste money. But I hope you realise you can't trust dm now... She won't imo respect your wishes to keep Frank away should she have dd alone.
.