Is my mother husband becoming obsessed with my DD

[IECW22]

For starters we've never really got along. Hence why I worry I am BU.

He has no children, him and my DM married about 7 years ago. He's a busy body. Will sit staring at his ring doorbell footage of an evening and moan about what his neighbours are up to. Last year he complained to the local council that a neighbour had a paddling pool out in their front garden for their DC (they have no back garden) and it overhung an inch and wanted it resolved "immediately". He reported an old boy for parking his mobility scooter which overhung slightly. Just has to be inconvenienced by everything that doesn't actually inconvenience him. We just clash. We didn't speak for some time because I just could not deal with him, until I accepted a meet when I was pregnant to make thing easier for my DM.

At the meeting he said something along the lines off "we should get along now that I'm a grandad". I just didn't say anything for an easy life during a really difficult pregnancy.

My Dd is 11 months old. And yes he loves her and that's fine. But recently things have become difficult.

He has took her for a walk in her pram a few times which I did appreciate as could get her food cooked bottles sorted ect but would come back and say how he walked down the high road with her and she would start saying "love you grandad" .... she can't even say dog yet. I asked my mum and she just stated he loves her. I said yes but it is a lie. And then whilst on a day out with me, baby, my DM and her husband someone commented on her dress and he said in the direction of baby "yes grandad bought it for you" and the lady said "oh that's nice of grandad" and he proceeded to ask "ha do you think we look alike?" .... you are not related by blood firstly and secondly you look like a different species all together.

And yes he does buy her a LOT of dresses (an insanely large amount) and I'm not ungrateful she just cries every time she's put in a dress as she can't crawl. I've explained this. But I get the demands from my DM and her husband on a bloody WhatsApp group they've created for a photo of her In said dress. Like I have nothing else to do but put my daughter in what resembles a wedding dress every day for her to cry for me to then take it off. If I don't respond to said group I'll get a phone call, and then a text from my mum saying "*** has messaged on the group and you have not responded" yes thanks mother.

The next part. So they've been asking for a sleepover with her and i'm not convinced. So I said let's trial one a few times, but I will stay also but just put her cot in your room.

Baby slept like a dream, he gets up the next morning stating how tired he is. I asked why and he said he was up till gone 4am....again I asked why, he said oh because I was watching her sleep to make sure she's okay.....you stared at her for 9 hours?

He keeps saying things like "oh when me and your mum go out people think I'm her dad" this just is not the truth. Unless they're incredibly short sighted. I just wouldn't be surprised if he tells people he is.

So it's all kicked off the other night when I told my mum some truths and I got a nasty message from him which I only skim read. So I blocked him on WhatsApp, phone/text. I then got an EMAIL from him so blocked that too. Just checked out my next door app.....and have a message on there. I've not said they can't see baby anymore I just said I need some space from him as we clash, but basically. It's all gone off. But is my general dislike for him clouding my judgment? My mother seems to believe so but my partner (who wants him and baby to be separated for a while) doesn't. I just have a feeling.

Just tell your mum grandparents have no rights and step grandparents definitely don't but stop her having your daughter from now as he could ask her to apply and go to court on his behalf and if she can prove a previous strong relationship and where she us having her alone the court could grant her access so best to stop it all now

Op, this is one of the most disturbing threads I’ve ever seen here. Your mother is enabling her weirdo husband, she is flat out unhinged and her husband is a creepy predator demanding that he get hold of your baby. Now he sends his wife to threaten you with a lawyer so that you will bend to his demand that he take the baby away on a trip! Do you see what’s going on?

I felt a dread when you said they had the baby today. No, op, you cannot allow him anywhere near her. What if he’s already done something? Please listen to your intuition. They are trying to manipulate you with guilt “I’m your mother, I’m the baby’s grandmother, you’re keeping the baby from the Creep, how dare you, Frank and baby need bonding time overnight alone (that’s basically what they’re saying 😳😱) etc etc’, don’t let them do it. Is staring at her all night which is over the top creepy really all he did? You don’t know.

Every single thing your mother says and does is an order straight from her weirdo husband.

After her threat and continually grooming your child for her husband, I would go full no contact totally. A groveling apology from her wouldn’t he
p at this point and she is far away from doing that anyway. She is threatening a lawyer. To do what exactly?? Is that in reference to a law that prevents parents from keeping relatives away from their children (with good reason in this case).

Op, please protect your child, I would even have a pediatrician give me assurance that your baby hasn’t been bothered by that creep. This is a very serious situation. Explain you have concerns over his behavior and that you’ve stopped all contact. Your mother has no right to your child after what she’s done and said. It is you who should be contacting a lawyer and the police for harassment.

Disentangle yourself and your daughter from these two demented weirdos right now.

Exactly! That’s precisely what they’re doing by trying to keep her all the time and overnight and a trip away. And he also wants to have her alone overnight for his own weirdo purposes. This has been upsetting to read.

@MysteryBelle completely agree.

I think this absolutely is a police matter.

He's a freak and her mother is his pimp.

Yikes at your update OP. Solicitor what the actual f? A trip with friends and your baby? They must be insane? Going NC probably doesn’t sound like a bad option.

Honestly - one of the scariest things in everything you have said is his delusion that he has a RIGHT to your child - getting a solicitor involved is ludicrous but I see that as incredibly dangerous behaviour.

I work for a da charity and unfortunately you will see scenarios where the perpetrator is working through the vulnerable partner. I am not at all suggesting that this is what is happening but surely if your mother was in the right frame of mind she would a; understand your social cues b; respect your boundaries. With situations like this you need to be firm with these boundaries and will have to at the moment treat your mother as an extension of Frank right now.

Sorry you are going through this, but you are absolutely right to protect your child and family.

I think you are being for too passive here. It all sounds too much, stop trying to make life easy for you Mum and focus on nice big strong boundaries. I wouldn't have him called Grandad if he hadn't bought you up and you're not close.

"I shouldn't say this but frank is thinking about contacting a solicitor"

"Mum, if a boyfriend of mine threatened legal action on you for your perfectly reasonable boundaries, I'd consider the whole relationship. Are you supporting him or me?"

An unrelated man threatening solicitors to gain access to a baby is creepy as all fuck. I wonder if he would find a solicitor to assist him. Is Frank who he says he is and if he is, Google the shit out of him and ask the police for advice.

Listen to that feeling you've got OP. It's there for a reason. I had the same feeling about my mum's partner when my dds reached a certain age. It came to a head when I honestly felt there was grooming going on. I basically cut him out completely and only saw my mum at my house.

It's now over a decade later, my dds are (almost) grown-up. I'll never know if my feeling was right or not and quite frankly I don't care. He made me (and my DH) uncomfortable in his conduct around our dds so we put a stop to it. As far as I'm concerned we stopped abuse happening.

Listen to your gut, it's screaming at you for a reason.

Yes, this! My dad has 4 grandchildren, 2 girls (mine) and 2 boys (my sister's). And in 20 years he's never once gone out and bought any of them clothes. Toys, yes, clothes, no.

Well done OP. Massive red flags from Frank.

He'll be pissing away thousands if he thinks he can get some kind of legal contact order.

I completely agree you've done the right thing, and I'd tell your mum she can see DD at your house, but cannot take her unattended.

There’s nothing wrong with a grandfather buying grandchildren clothes, per se (my Dad probably did this - my Mum died before my DC were born, and so he probably took it on himself to do this occasionally, I seem to vaguely recall).

What ‘Frank’ is doing is very different from that, and is one factor in a range of factors that is (rightly) making the OP feel very uncomfortable.

Sorry OP I didn't see your update before posting. I'm so glad you've tackled this head-on. And him escalating and threatening a solicitor for access just proves you've done the right thing. The man is unhinged!

I contacted nursery this afternoon, and let them know what's going on. They don't currently have a space for her on a Monday morning but are going to look into what other days they may be able to accommodate a full day session.

I spoke to my manager and informed him not in too much depth but with enough, and have said going forward from now I won't be able to work on a Monday morning until alternative provisions are made. I have options - either I can swap a day when nursery come back to me, I can cut the day altogether but If this is something that cannot be accommodated I will have to consider working my notice (not including Mondays). He was quite kind about it and said I was a valuable member of his team and he was sure he can arrange something that works for all parties and to give him a couple of days to think on it.

I've asked the health visitor to contact me as soon as possible also as she may be able to signpost further - I'm expecting a call first thing.
Baby has her 12m check this week also but I would rather discuss it sooner.

I've taken onboard everything that's been said and that really I shouldn't have had to be told but here we are, I think my not wanting any trouble and to keep a relationship with my mother may have clouded some judgement and I'm going to make the decision for complete no contact. I can foresee this boiling over in it's entirety

I had shivers down my spine from reading your update.
I am wondering what the catalyst for you blocking him was initially?

Your mum is being extremely naive, she unfortunately can not be trusted to be alone with your DD either.
Why is she pushing for these trips away and sleepovers?

Wow this is crazy.

He has no legal right to your child but the fact that he thinks he does, and that your mum hasn’t challenged him, are two very concerning things.

I would be very worried that they would turn up at the nursery and take her. You need to tell them that they are not to release her to anyone but you and your partner, and you need to end the childcare arrangement with your mum because sadly you can’t trust her not to let him have access to her.

Their behaviour is not normal. You need to realise this and not worry about keeping them happy or keeping the peace or being diplomatic or whatever - they need some strong clear messages from you asap.

Hmm

If Frank and Mum are of sound mind, they would understand your concerns and back off and respect your wishes

But no, on the contrary, they're making threats of legal action (joke) and asking to take her to Clacton without you?

All a bit odd

V odd.

His behaviour is abnormal. If I were you I'd tell him he is never allowed to see my daughter again. Don't think about her don't look at her nothing. If my mum had a problem with it I'd say the same to her. Don't take any risks.

You don't have to tell him anything. He's nasty when he doesn't get his own way.

Your mother can deal with him.

Saw your update, you’re absolutely doing the right thing.

I agree with all the pp. Strange and disturbing situation. And yes, make sure nursery knows not to allow anyone else specifically those two, but not anyone since they might send someone else, to pick your baby up. I think you’ve already done that. Good job going no contact and getting your ducks in a row.

He will get nowhere with a solicitor. What a bonkers thing for your mum to threaten you, does she think that’ll make you cave to his strong arm requests?! Protect your child, trust your instincts.

Does he not have dc of his own? Is he pretending to be her father?

OPs first post states he has no children x

Sorry, multitasking. It strikes me as like the grandmas who want to be called ‘mummy’. I hope that this is what he wants, as opposed to something sinister.