Is my mother husband becoming obsessed with my DD

[IECW22]

For starters we've never really got along. Hence why I worry I am BU.

He has no children, him and my DM married about 7 years ago. He's a busy body. Will sit staring at his ring doorbell footage of an evening and moan about what his neighbours are up to. Last year he complained to the local council that a neighbour had a paddling pool out in their front garden for their DC (they have no back garden) and it overhung an inch and wanted it resolved "immediately". He reported an old boy for parking his mobility scooter which overhung slightly. Just has to be inconvenienced by everything that doesn't actually inconvenience him. We just clash. We didn't speak for some time because I just could not deal with him, until I accepted a meet when I was pregnant to make thing easier for my DM.

At the meeting he said something along the lines off "we should get along now that I'm a grandad". I just didn't say anything for an easy life during a really difficult pregnancy.

My Dd is 11 months old. And yes he loves her and that's fine. But recently things have become difficult.

He has took her for a walk in her pram a few times which I did appreciate as could get her food cooked bottles sorted ect but would come back and say how he walked down the high road with her and she would start saying "love you grandad" .... she can't even say dog yet. I asked my mum and she just stated he loves her. I said yes but it is a lie. And then whilst on a day out with me, baby, my DM and her husband someone commented on her dress and he said in the direction of baby "yes grandad bought it for you" and the lady said "oh that's nice of grandad" and he proceeded to ask "ha do you think we look alike?" .... you are not related by blood firstly and secondly you look like a different species all together.

And yes he does buy her a LOT of dresses (an insanely large amount) and I'm not ungrateful she just cries every time she's put in a dress as she can't crawl. I've explained this. But I get the demands from my DM and her husband on a bloody WhatsApp group they've created for a photo of her In said dress. Like I have nothing else to do but put my daughter in what resembles a wedding dress every day for her to cry for me to then take it off. If I don't respond to said group I'll get a phone call, and then a text from my mum saying "*** has messaged on the group and you have not responded" yes thanks mother.

The next part. So they've been asking for a sleepover with her and i'm not convinced. So I said let's trial one a few times, but I will stay also but just put her cot in your room.

Baby slept like a dream, he gets up the next morning stating how tired he is. I asked why and he said he was up till gone 4am....again I asked why, he said oh because I was watching her sleep to make sure she's okay.....you stared at her for 9 hours?

He keeps saying things like "oh when me and your mum go out people think I'm her dad" this just is not the truth. Unless they're incredibly short sighted. I just wouldn't be surprised if he tells people he is.

So it's all kicked off the other night when I told my mum some truths and I got a nasty message from him which I only skim read. So I blocked him on WhatsApp, phone/text. I then got an EMAIL from him so blocked that too. Just checked out my next door app.....and have a message on there. I've not said they can't see baby anymore I just said I need some space from him as we clash, but basically. It's all gone off. But is my general dislike for him clouding my judgment? My mother seems to believe so but my partner (who wants him and baby to be separated for a while) doesn't. I just have a feeling.

So odd, isn’t it?

They think that threat will make the IP acquiesce to their wishes.

Um, no - it will only convince them ten-fold to stick to their guns!

So strange - and if it wasn’t feeling sinister before, then it certainly does now.

And not to mention withholding childcare as a means to bring the OP into line - oh, but we want to take DD on a sleepover…!?!

Absolute nut jobs, the pair of them. Sorry OP - I know it’s your Mum, but she’s behaving completely inappropriately.

What a nightmare for you

Ive nothing to add to the advice you've got here, except maybe make some notes about everything
One, to help clear your thoughts and two, you might need it if he and / or your mum escalate it

After all OP’s updates about “Frank’s” escalations and her mother’s enabling, there are still “not a nonce” posts!

Very, very strange his entire behavior, and your mum for enabling him! You’re doing great though protecting your DD, very pleased to hear about the support you’re getting from work, nursery and other places.

Don't ever trust this prick again. Least of all with your daughter.

Your mum sounds fucking mental.

But good for you, OP, you are absolutely doing the right thing. I hope you can get all the support you need to avoid this utter creep your mother seems to be shilling for.

Well done for standing up for yourself and your daughter, you've tried to reason with them and they've either ignored what you've said or retaliated with threats.

If it boils over, don't be afraid to contact police to report harassment, abusive messages or anything else they try.

I hope you enjoy your daughter's birthday.

Op, your mum also seems to think she can do or say what she likes with your baby. What liberties she and 'Frank' are taking.

Don't be afraid of her. Stand up to her and these abnormal demands she and her husband are making.

So so creepy and weird.

Thinking about Frank's previous behaviour of harassing other people, it would suggest he has an obsessive personality. Picking up on what other posters have said, he may have internally convinced himself that your daughter is actually his. He could be very dangerous. He doesn't sound very rational in his behaviour.

I would seriously consider taking advice from the Police if there are anymore incidents, which I'm guessing there will be. They are a lot more experienced in stalking and how to support victims these days. Getting support early on could really help in the long run.

Well done for taking the steps you have. Going NC is absolutely the right thing to do for your daughter, she really needs protecting right now.

Agree with this

This completely and with bells on. Protect her from this creep

At the end of the day this man has sent a young mum horrible messages, posed as her babies father, pushed to have the baby alone and overnight, threatened legal action and generally just isn’t very nice to the babies parents. WHY would anyone facilitate their child having a relationship with him?

Now what don’t you RTFT?

From your update... screen shot ALL messages, those demanding pics, the phone calls and the mean messages and emails. If this ever gains any legs (it won't come to fruition but might gain a little traction in the beginning) you need proof of the weird and strange behaviours presented. Also the messages (if you wrote it anywhere) where you tell them she doesn't like wearing dresses and gets upset as she can't crawl. Do this before he thinks to delete them from the group. Ultimately, she is your child and your her protector, they don't have a leg to stand on with trying to demand access... your mom might have the slightest chance at an argument, but not him!

How some people are still seemingly ok with this behaviour is beyond me, the demanding she be put in the dress he brought and to have a photo - like she's a doll - ontop of the fact she doesn't like to be put in them is just not on! That part alone is enough to raise alarm bells. Not even in a sinister way, but a strange ok, so when they have her alone do they play dress up and take photos of her? This is wrong. So fucking wrong. And so strange. It doesn't even bare thinking of what could develop as she gets older.

The whole wanting her overnight for no actual reason other than to play happy families and to take her away, without you to their friends 🤯. My brain just cannot understand these behaviours at all. My walls would shoot up too and they would not come down!

Wow wow wow.

Your mother is the definition of delusional and disappointing.
I struggle to understand how she wants to double down on all this.

Agree with creating a paper trail and documenting via screenshots all the weirdness.
I would also send him one final message via email to say your family want no more contact and will consider it harassment.
If he or your mum do anything I'd report to the police and look at steps for a restraining order. Your mum seems out of touch with reality. In what wprld are you going to agree to your baby going to a strangers house in clapton 🧐

I would also be clear with nursery thry should not hand over to anyone except you and your partner.

Sorry this is happening but you should be thankful its come to a head now.

“I've taken onboard everything that's been said and that really I shouldn't have had to be told but here we are,”.

It’s easier for us to see from the outside what’s going on. The situation probably has evolved slowly (frog in hot water situation) and gradually, and if it’s your first child, you’re navigating what’s right and wrong, usually in a sleep deprived state, and as you say, you wanted to keep a good relationship with your mother. However, you knew something wasn’t right, hence posting your post.

Well done on taking the steps you have, and protecting your dc.

WTAF!

I'm guessing you either haven't read the thread or are equally deluded.

Sweet people don't threaten legal action against parents who have healthy boundaries.

The absolute mildest thing you could say about his original behaviour was that it was all about him and his validation (people think I’m her dad, wanting the sleepovers for a young baby). As people say when the OP’s M or MIL wants overnights at an early age and tries to get the baby to call her mum, this isn’t for baby’s benefit.

It could be more sinister and the lack of family relationship and the extent of the weird behaviour rings alarm bells that you rightly have not ignored.

But the subsequent behaviour is the biggest red flag. Obsessively contacting you on multiple platforms and then threatening legal action? That is sinister stuff. Either he has become so obsessed with using your daughter for his social validation that you should steer well clear. Or he is obsessed for all the other reasons in which case you should definitely steer well clear.

I absolutely think this is a police matter.

I would want to check out his background.

It happens on every thread like this. I’m sure some people have no idea of the danger children are in, from more people out there than we’d like to think. They convince themselves the awful things won’t happen, or are vanishingly rare, or nice granddad or uncle can’t possibly be a wrongun. So they ignore clear danger signs, even when those of us who have been child victims of these people are pointing them out, and desperately trying to get parents to understand how devastating the consequences are to us.

Not wanting to “upset” a relative shouldn’t be a stronger drive than protecting your children, but the easiest way round that is for the parent to ignore their gut feeling and deny that there is danger.

In an ideal world, a male relative doing what this man is doing (including wanting to take the child for sleepovers/holidays without her parents) could be seen as harmless, loving, and as one PP put it “sweet”. We don’t live in that world, we live in one where children are at risk from predators, and those predators don’t have warning signs on their heads. This man’s actions are so bizarre though, I’m finding it hard to understand why some people think they’re not. It isn’t just one small aspect of what he says and does that is “off”, it’s a lot, and they are VERY off. It’s notable that the OP’s mum and her husband are very determined indeed to have this child without her mum. They announce that they are going to collect her, instead of asking OP if it’s OK if they collect her. That’s a warning sign in itself. Predators are determined, persistent, they plan and they groom the child’s parents and carers as well as the child.

I really strongly agree with this.

Personally I think his behaviour is incredibly creepy (and in my book, ‘overbearing’ and ‘creepy’ are the same when it comes to the behaviour of male strangers brought into a family circle towards a child in that circle).

But I was struck by you wondering whether the fact you’ve always disliked him is colouring your view. It is absolutely fine for you to dislike him. And it’s fine for it to colour your view. All this ‘is he/isn’t he a nonce’ stuff is irrelevant in a way, because the basic facts are that you don’t like him, you’ve never liked him and you don’t owe him a relationship with your daughter.

And on top of that he’s behaving like an absolute creep.

ALL of this - and he’s not even a weird relative, he’s a stranger to the baby and one OP has already good reason to dislike! He falls squarely into the category of high risk to be a child sexual predator , and I would bet he has a very murky past.

Sexual predator or not he clearly thinks he has some kind of ownership over your DD and that's wrong.

So sorry OP.

Jesus, this is chilling.

His belief that he has a ‘right’ to your daughter is so beyond irrational as to be extremely frightening.

The obsessive behaviour is horrific.

And your mother cannot see it. She is allowing his appalling and frightening conduct to ruin her own relationship with her daughter and granddaughter, and she’s colluding with him to try to manipulate you into giving them free access to your daughter. Fuck.

Is she of sound mind?! Is she affected by learning difficulties? It’s absolutely insane.

And the week in Clacton… I mean, what the actual fuck?

I think it’s important you spell it out in simple terms to your mother, and say that you will never, ever have a relationship with that man again. He’s annihilated healthy boundaries. He’s been abusive.

And as you cannot trust your stupid mother to make good choices and not to lie to you to try to get your baby into the unobserved hands of ‘Frank’, your relationship with her isn’t looking good either.

If you do see your mother, see her alone, do now allow to her to take pictures and videos of your baby, and do not send any to her.

I wasn't going to post again but this thread has gotten under my skin.

Many moons ago I worked in a role where I had to process paperwork for someone who'd been sent to a Sex Offenders unit. The thing that was most chilling was how they manipulated other people to normalise their behaviour. They are very skilled at using triangulation to validate their behaviour and make the other person believe that they are wrong, cruel and unkind in even doubting them. There are people on this thread who are doing it!

This post has really worried me as its classic enabling behaviour to undermine a parent's instinct:

"I'll probably be in the wrong camp but I think he's probably just being sweet. He's no children of his own and something he's probably not thought would happen has come along and made his day. Lots of kids have no one looking out for them and have crap relationships with grandparents. He clearly dotes on her. He may not be your cup of tea but it does sound like he's trying"

A sweet guy would not try to isolate a child from their parents and threaten legal action against them.

The child is not there as a mechanism for self gratification. She is not a doll to be dressed up and played with. She is a human being in her own right. He also has a very poor relationship with the OP and had no role in raising her, so to cast him in the role of grandparent is a massive stretch and an entitled assumption.

Not your cup of tea is such a gas lighting term. The OP is the child's mother, her job is to trust her instincts and safeguard her child. This statement is trying to imply that the OP is unreasonable and shouldn't trust her own judgement. That is classic triangulation that predators use within families to gain access to victims.

I'm so glad the OP isn't falling for this and has her eyes wide open.

Sounds like he's quite practised as the divide and conquer routine. Bet this isn't his first time.