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AIBU?

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Original poster

To expect DH to get any job to contribute financially

230 replies

Sazzle2012 · 18/06/2023 09:25

My DH was made redundant just over 2 years ago. He got a large payout as he'd worked there a long time. That money helped go towards mortgage and bills but it ran out a year ago and DH is still unemployed and hasn't contributed anything financially.
In those two years though he's spent most days job hunting, he's had a handful of interviews for a variety of roles related to his career area which haven't gone anywhere. He's had career coaching, help from the job centre, help from me with his CV and getting him in for a chat with my boss for potential opportunities, and still nothing.
For context, after I'd had both DCs I didnt have a job to return to (I had been on a fixed term contract) so found some online work, and studied for a qualification while they were both preschool. This led to bigger contracts and I have worked full time in this industry for the past five years. The initial money wasn't great but enough for me to contribute, pay for holidays (basic UK ones) and stuff around the house. I paid for a new kitchen (old one was falling apart), carpets, beds, furniture for kids room, all of which he said we couldn't afford on his (then) salary.
Since he was made redundant, I have paid for most of the bills, plus a new bathroom and sofa. I've had to move jobs recently due to stress and will now earn a bit less.

Bills and mortgage have all gone up and I'm starting to stress about money.

I'm starting to feel really resentful about this situation. He says he's trying his best to find work but I have told him enough is enough and just find anything to bring in a bit of extra money to take the pressure off. I found work and a new career for myself from scratch while bringing up two young kids, so what's his excuse?!

AIBU to ask him to find any job now just to help us financially?

OP posts:
Coulditreallybe · 20/06/2023 06:16

um @Sazzle2012 why would you need to ask your family for help with your kids over summer if he’s off and not working…..?

Willmafrockfit · 20/06/2023 06:33

can you affored for him to learn to drive now?

Willmafrockfit · 20/06/2023 06:33

plenty of cleaning jobs around
i feel irritated on your behalf op

NeonSoda · 20/06/2023 06:36

CalistoNoSolo · 18/06/2023 09:37

There are vacancies everywhere atm, it not all minimum wage. The tesco delivery drivers are every age range so he could easily get a job doing that. Even £500 a week is going to be a massive help I should think. And no, yanbu to expect him to get a job.

Had to chuckle at this. £500 per week is a substantial salary and more than most people are paid!

Twiglets1 · 20/06/2023 06:38

YANBU it's not fair on you to shoulder all the money earning burden on your own when he is perfectly capable of working. I have seen the same thing with friends of ours. The husband used to be a high earner then got made redundant. He can't get another job in the same or a similar field and he is too proud to apply for jobs at a much lower level. So they are living off her inheritance and have been for years.

Meepme · 20/06/2023 06:39

Is this a reverse?

Meepme · 20/06/2023 06:46

I think people can fall into a difficult pattern after 2 years of looking for jobs. They just lose enthusiasm and the job hunting process becomes monotonous. My ex would sit with his laptop going through so many roles, spend ages applying, then logging them, day after day but nothing. He thought he was driven but i think his spirit was shot. We ended up going down the speculative route and eventually something came up. I think you need to say to him that this method isn't working and look for alternatives

Lisapop1 · 20/06/2023 06:55

You're not unreasonable, you've done amazing.

It could be putting recruiters off that hes not work for so long. After 2 years of being out of work he will need to fill that gap on his CV. Could he say he been doing some building work on your house/took some time out. The longer he's out of it the more he will struggle.

wheresmymojo · 20/06/2023 07:04

He absolutely needs to be out there doing any job.

I was a high earner who was out of contract just before COVID - then the pandemic hit and the recruitment market dried up completely.

I did whatever was needed which included packing COVID tests into little packets for several months.

Beautiful3 · 20/06/2023 07:08

Agreed, he needs to take any job going, locally. Stay I it until he finds another job. My friends husband is going through the same thing, it's been 5 years now. He refuses to look at lower level jobs. But the truth is, he's been out of work too long and needs a foot in the door, for future promotions. Your husband cannot keep doing this, because you're going to resent him.

ANiceBigCupOfTea · 20/06/2023 07:10

I'd be annoyed too. I don't drive either (Dyspraxia) and what that means for me is that I've had to go take some really basic service jobs in my time that are within public transport distance. I'm in a career now and am working my way up the ladder, but you don't get to not have a job when you have bills to pay and your spouse is working their arse off trying to keep the house ran.

BanditsOnTheHorizon · 20/06/2023 07:12

You're absolutely right OP, he should get any job whilst finding one in his industry. My dp started driving a lorry when he was made redundant from a director level job to fill the gap whilst he looked for something more suitable.

Twiglets1 · 20/06/2023 07:16

wheresmymojo · 20/06/2023 07:04

He absolutely needs to be out there doing any job.

I was a high earner who was out of contract just before COVID - then the pandemic hit and the recruitment market dried up completely.

I did whatever was needed which included packing COVID tests into little packets for several months.

Respect for you for doing that & not being too proud to get the job that was available rather than waiting for the perfect job.

Kazzyhoward · 20/06/2023 07:27

@Sazzle2012

He doesn't drive

He should have used some of the redundancy money to finance driving lessons. Not driving is probably one of the main reasons he's not getting job offers.

Diymesss · 20/06/2023 07:39

NeonSoda · 20/06/2023 06:36

Had to chuckle at this. £500 per week is a substantial salary and more than most people are paid!

Show quote history

@NeonSoda thanks for saying that! I don’t earn that much over that working full time and I’m a single parent with two kids - manage fine!

Diymesss · 20/06/2023 07:42

There are so many jobs you don’t need to drive for. I learnt to drive late in life but there have been very few jobs I wanted to apply for and couldn’t get without driving.

Houseofpainjumparound · 20/06/2023 07:44

I've not read others responses but is there a possibility you can afford for him to learn to drive. That will open up options for work

I could understand 20 years ago why people didn't want to drive but life has moved on so much and things are not in nice compact little towns or villages anymore.

Is he any good with a lawnmower? Could he put himself up on Facebook to do gardening/errand runs for people. May not get him alot but will help boost his confidence with talking to people and actually doing something

Beezknees · 20/06/2023 07:50

Houseofpainjumparound · 20/06/2023 07:44

I've not read others responses but is there a possibility you can afford for him to learn to drive. That will open up options for work

I could understand 20 years ago why people didn't want to drive but life has moved on so much and things are not in nice compact little towns or villages anymore.

Is he any good with a lawnmower? Could he put himself up on Facebook to do gardening/errand runs for people. May not get him alot but will help boost his confidence with talking to people and actually doing something

Actually there's even less of a need to drive now with so many workplaces adopting hybrid working.

Gemst199 · 20/06/2023 08:05

Last time I was on maternity leave my husband worked in Macdonald's while studying for his degree. He's in his 40s and had previously worked much better paying, more professional jobs but when money is tight you do what you gotta do.

Kazzyhoward · 20/06/2023 08:12

@Beezknees

Actually there's even less of a need to drive now with so many workplaces adopting hybrid working.

Still need to get to work on the days they have to be in the office, get to training courses, go to visit client premises (if relevant to the job - which many sales jobs will be), etc. May need to take correspondence to the post office, may need to collect parcels.

A middle aged bloke not driving doesn't look good on a cv, especially in tandem with 2 years of unemployment and especially if they're not living somewhere like central London or another big city (I don't think the OP has said where they live). In some smaller cities, towns and rural areas, driving is pretty much an essential life skill, especially for shift work in places where buses start late and finish early and may not run at all on Sundays!

It's yet another box the OP's OH can't "tick".

My son spent a few months last year looking for graduate jobs, we were helping him, and I'd say at least half the jobs specified driving licence as as requirement, even for hybrid/office jobs, basically all the jobs that weren't located centrally in the bigger cities! Not a problem for him as he had his first proper driving lesson on his 17th birthday and passed his test 4 months later!

Not driving WILL limit his options and WILL influence the decision making of some employers.

QueenVerilas · 20/06/2023 08:15

Your husband is of an age where it will be harder for him to find work, and the longer he is out of work the harder it is.

He may find that if he gets voluntary work in his field ( if that exists) it helps his prospects.

I disagree that getting a minimum wage job will help his confidence. He will likely find it humiliating. However, he does need to earn and it will show future employers that he has a work ethic.

I am most disgusted that he is not taking over all the childcare/ domestic chores whilst you work. The entitlement of him!

Seeusernamehistort · 20/06/2023 08:19

My ex was a non driver so you automatically end up doing more and organising more, my sympathies! But I don’t understand how ‘you’ paid for the kitchen, surely it’s all family money, especially if times tight ? Either way absolutely he needs to pull his weight as he’s not a classic SAHP with small kids.

Cucucucu · 20/06/2023 08:31

Mid 40s and doesn’t drive , do school. Runs , shopping or housework ? Wow ! Sorry you are being used ! Sorry he had nil excuses not to work

Nobadvibes · 20/06/2023 08:34

Has he looked at recruitment roles? People that are good at sales are usually good at recruitment. Some of the basic salary is low but potential to earn more though commission

SauronsArsehole · 20/06/2023 08:51

I’ve been out of regular work for over a decade due to being an unpaid carer.

I started looking for work in January. Got my first interview in March and was given the job.

I’ve been out of work for a decade and the job I got is above minimum wage too.

you’re right OP. What’s his excuse?